Content Warning: Infertility, Infertility Shaming, Mom-Shaming
Even in 2025, there are still people who base a lot of a woman's worth and her identification as a "woman" on her following the "right path," including marriage and children.
But this path is not for every woman, and it's also not possible for those who struggle with fertility, empathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SoftSpacesx struggled for years with conceiving a baby and had to listen to her older sister make terrible comments to her about her worth as a woman and wife.
When she eventually became pregnant and had twins, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted when her sister tried to reconcile to meet her children without ever offering an apology.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not reconciling with my sister after she said my husband should find a real wife and other hurtful things about my infertility?"
The OP went no contact with her sister after being insulted about her infertility.
"My older sister, Norah (42 Female), and I (34 Female) stopped talking three, almost four, years ago after she said multiple hurtful things about my infertility."
"The finishing one was her saying my husband should find a real wife who could give him children."
"I'd let her get away with so much because I love my family, including my three other siblings, and I didn't want to make life more difficult for anyone else. But my husband told me I shouldn't destroy myself so everyone else could be happy. And her comments were destroying me."
"Examples of a handful of the things she said were that I was too old to be a first-time mom and needed to stop trying."
"I was clearly unfit to be a mom and couldn't see it, but my body was telling me."
"I should just accept my life as the forever childless babysitter."
"Nobody else in our family had trouble getting pregnant, and I was clearly the loser of the family."
"Getting pregnant is sooo easy, and even grandmothers were getting pregnant easier than me."
"The rest of my family was understanding when it went too far, and I couldn't cope with her anymore. They knew my husband was extremely bothered by Norah's comments too and he was on the verge of losing his s**t with her."
The OP and her husband were eventually, happily, able to have two children.
"My husband and I continued trying to have children together, and last year we were successful after our 'one last time' IUI (Intrauterine insemination)."
"My pregnancy was very complicated. We knew early we were having twins, but my body did struggle, and I was hospitalized on and off during my pregnancy and stayed in the hospital from seven months until delivery to keep all three of us safe."
"We now have a happy and healthy little boy and little girl."
The OP was not pleased when Norah tried to "reconcile" after the twins were born.
"It was after the birth of my children that Norah reached out and said she wanted us to repair our relationship."
"In her original reaching out message, she congratulated me on the birth of my daughter but not my son, and she talked about how exciting it was to have a little girl in the family. (Norah has six children, all boys. She originally wanted more than six but seems to have paused or stopped because she's angry that she keeps having sons.)"
"At no point did she apologize for what she said or recognize my son, other than saying 'the twins' one time."
"I didn't reply but I did mention it to my husband. He read it too and he was like, 'F**k her.'"
"Norah reached out again after two weeks with no reply, and she was like, 'I think you might have missed the message, but...' and she told me again she wanted to reconcile, and she guessed that now that I had what I wanted, we could work on being sisters again. Once again, she mentioned how she couldn't wait to see my daughter, with no mention of my son."
"I responded that I did not feel like reconciling with her, and we were better off staying no contact, and I muted her."
"My reasons aren't just because of what she said to me and because she didn't apologize, but I have a son, too. I don't want to reconcile with Norah and subject him to being left out because Norah only has boys and is obsessed with girls."
"Both of my children deserve to be treated with the same love, respect, and excitement within our family."
Norah attempted to involve the family in the reconciliation, with mixed results.
"Norah has complained to our other siblings about this, and my older brother and younger sister have told me I could at least try."
"They said after three, almost four, years, it's time to see if we can all move forward. They did admit they wanted Norah to shut up, but they say it would also be good for us all to move past this."
"My younger brother doesn't agree and has told me we're doing the right thing, and he said it's right for all the reasons I have."
"But my other two siblings believe I could communicate and be open to seeing if Norah can acknowledge where she went wrong with everything. They said I could do that for the sake of everyone."
"I am grateful that she didn't lead me on with a fake apology and mention of both twins before making her obvious preference for my daughter known. It allowed me to keep her away and make sure my children never knew such obvious favoritism."
"My brother and sister wanting me to give in for them has been disappointing. Especially when they supported me in ending contact with Norah originally. But I guess that was easier for them, and they've shown me that an easier life is more important than supporting me. Or even calling Norah out and pushing her to reflect on why I rejected her offer to reconcile."
"AITAH for not trying or wanting to reconcile?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about Norah's motives regarding her niece.
"Congratulations on having the children. I am sure they are both enormously, equally loved."
"Tell the other two siblings that your decision has been made about it. They can continue listening to Norah's rants, but you don't ever want to hear about it. If they cannot respect that and drop it, tell them that perhaps you will have to go from low contact to no contact with them, as well."
"Like your husband says, f**k her. North would have felt vindicated if you had never had children. Now that you have... she does not even acknowledge her wrong. She wants to reconcile."
"But actually, no, she doesn't... She's acting like a toddler who sees a kid with a shiny new toy that she doesn't have. She wants access to your daughter and is trying to get you to open that door so she can walk right in and continue where she left off... this time by brainwashing your daughter and mistreating your son. Do not let that happen."
"NTA." - Usual-Canary-7764
"At this point, they want to use your daughter as Norah's emotional support child. Protect both kids from your siblings." - evilslothofdoom
"I would have gone scorched earth on her! And anyone else who would condone her antics! She's showing you exactly who she is. Your precious family is better off without her."
"I'd also genuinely be worried about her motives. She clearly doesn't think OP is ready to be a mom, and is acting like she wants the girl baby. Like, she sounds like the type to try to take the girl because 'OP doesn't need two...'" - Melle2421
"Tell Norah that just as she thought your husband should get a 'real wife,' you're only looking to have a real sister in your life, one who is kind, supportive, and doesn't use other people's struggles as a way to hurt them, and alas, she's just not that person."
"You're also looking for a real sister for your twins, one who will treat and love them equally, and she's making it clear that she's incapable of that. Besides, your kids should be surrounded by people who don't think a person's value is determined by their gender and fertility, and so that again rules her out."
"She hasn't apologised, and she's only interested so she can co-opt your daughter because she doesn't have one of her own."
"You're NTA. If your brother and sister want to deal with her bulls**t, that's on them, but you don't have to subject yourself or your kids to it." - Buttered_Crumpet09
"OP, I cannot fathom how cruel and cutting she was to you. It makes me so angry on your behalf."
"Also, on top of that, her views are so regressive and filled with internalized misogyny. She's now jealous that you have something she wanted (a daughter) and wants to make up, but what toxicity would she pass onto your little girl and son? And down the road, what if your daughter isn't meeting her expectations of what is 'feminine' enough; is she going to shame her, too?"
"Tell the sibs you'll reconcile after she goes to extensive therapy and heals herself of her toxic behavior. They want you to make up for their convenience and comfort, not because it's for the greater good."
"Enjoy your beautiful little family, and make some 'Aunties and Uncles' out of your best friends." - RustbeltMaven
Others had comebacks ready for Norah and Norah's supporters.
"If they keep pushing, I'd tell them, 'I have no older sister, so there's really nobody to reconcile with.'"
"Go scorched earth with her by making those who want to support her very aware of where you stand with her." - LuxuryBeast
"To borrow Norah's (awful) words, if she were fit to be a girl mom, her body would have made one. She needs to accept that she is the loser of the family, etc., and will never have access to her niece to try and viscerally be her mother. It just wasn't meant to be!"
"And if that's not enough, well, maybe she should get a husband who can give her the girl that she wants, since the man determines the sex. See how she, and her husband, like that."
"This would all be very below the belt and not who I think you are, based on your post, OP, but if they try to 'argue' with you about cutting ties, go low." - invisiblizm
"If you want to keep your other siblings in your life, you NEED to tell them, 'You're welcome to have a relationship with Norah, and you're welcome to have a relationship with me, but you are not welcome to insist I have a relationship with Norah.'"
"'I am done being her doormat. Even if I forgave her, which I don't, my husband absolutely wouldn't. He is still livid about the lines she dared to cross. If you don't like Norah b***hing to you, then that is on YOU to tell her to knock it off. You are not a doorbell she gets to push in order to try and step back into my house.'" - Armadillo_of_doom
"Please let your siblings know to stay out of this; they weren't the ones on the receiving end of those harsh words."
"Your sister is an adult and should take responsibility for her actions and approach things with maturity. You're under no obligation to reconcile unless it's something you truly want. Don't do it just to please others."
"If they keep pushing you to reconcile just because it's easier for them to not hear Norah complain about the consequences of her own actions, then you need to cut them off, too."
"I know the idea of cutting them off is incredibly painful, and I don't take that lightly. But you deserve people in your life who truly respect your boundaries and care about your feelings. From the way things sound, it seems like they're more focused on their own comfort than your well-being."
"Maybe it's time to gently and honestly let Norah, and possibly your other siblings, know where you stand. After everything you've been through, you finally have joy and peace in your life. You should be soaking up every moment with your husband and beautiful twins. Don't let anyone steal that from you." - No-Guess4503
"That seems to be your entire family dynamic: letting bad behavior slide to keep the peace. Your sister is an abusive [c-word] who wants to use your new daughter as a dress-up doll."
"You said that you love your family, but do they love you? Did anyone come to your aid or defense when your sister was saying these horrible things to you?"
"You haven't really stood up for yourself or made a boundary for yourself. Your husband had to make you enforce one. Think long and hard about your familial relationships without rose-colored glasses. You may find that it's necessary to put them all on time-out."
"Except for your baby brother. He sounds amazing while all the others can kick rocks. It's not just your peace you're protecting now; it's your sweet babies' and husband's, too."
"Congratulations to you and your husband on your wonderful babies. May they know peace, and may you build a relationship with it." - garthastro
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP had been treated throughout her infertility and motherhood journey, and it was even worse that this person was trying to come back into her life for the sole purpose of having access to her daughter.
If an apology had been issued, perhaps at least a conversation could happen, but with the way the situation had been laid out, it was clear to the subReddit that it was best for the OP to keep her distance and to enjoy her peaceful and loving life with her husband and two children.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp