Having house guests can be stressful.
When those guests are family, it makes it even more awkward.
A parent whose son and pregnant wife are staying with them rent-free turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict over household chores.
Status-Parfait-9956 asked:
"AITA for telling my kinda daughter-in-law (DIL) she isn't giving birth to Jesus and if she doesn't clean then she can get out of my home?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My son and his girlfriend have been dating since college. They graduated last year and are 22 and 23."
"They used to have an apartment together, but soon found out she was pregnant. I was not happy when they informed me."
"I knew they could not afford it, but they wanted to keep the baby They also are doing a shotgun wedding soon."
"Soon after they asked to move into my home. It is a large home with plenty of space. They wanted to save money for the baby."
"I made it clear they will need to do chores and buy their own food."
"They agreed, but are so messy. I have talked to both of them before and they keep telling me they will do better."
"My son has been traveling for a job and it became clear that she is the one being a mess. In short, she is a slob."
"She leaves dishes out constantly; her stuff is all over the house, and her bathroom is so gross."
"I have talked to her over and over again. I have talked to my son and he has talked to her."
"She is 8 months pregnant, and her excuse is she can not clean... well, she hasn't been cleaning since she moved in 6 months ago."
"I came home with groceries and tripped over her shoes. I had enough."
"I told her that she isn't giving birth to Jesus, and if she doesn't clean, then she can get out of my house."
"She started to cry, and my son was pissed at me. I reminded him that I was doing them a huge favor and doubled down on cleaning."
"If she doesn't start cleaning now, then she will not with a baby. I can not live with that. If she doesn't shape up, she will get out."
"They had 6 months to save up money. This is literally her last chance. I don't care how close she is. My son can find the apartment for them to move in to."
"If I have to start charging rent to get a cleaning service, I will just tell them to get their own place."
"I am not going to play the game of trying to get money from them."
The OP summed up their situation.
"AITA for telling my DIL that she is not giving birth to Jesus and she can clean or get out of my house. I may have been way too harsh and could be an a** for that."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I'm going to reluctantly say NTA because technically you're in the right, but really you should have dealt with this months ago. After she has the baby she's not going to get a full nights sleep for months and she sounds like she's high risk for PPD which, yeah…"
"Not sure what your living situation is, but if I was in your shoes I'd divide the house up and put one of them or myself in an apartment and then just start charging them rent if they're so messy it's damaging your property."
"Ignore the people that are going to tell you to kick em out. Don't do that to your grandson." ~ Conscious_Hotel_5538
"NTA. There are women out there who are (or were) ready to pop, taking care of a house and toddler on their own while working. I personally know a few."
"You ARE doing them a favor. It's not your job anymore to take care of them and definitely not your job to take care of their baby."
"While it is nice to have a grandparent that's involved, that doesn't mean a grandparent that is playing maid, chef, landlord, part-time parent to adults and baby. You gave them the conditions on which you'd house them. They are no longer following them."
"If you want to completely cover your butt, because I don't know what kind of people your DIL and son are, start doing things in writing. They have until X to clean up and continue to maintain their part of the house to a minimum standard or else they can no longer live in your home."
"However, if they decide to name their baby Jesus, I would have to laugh." ~ Beneficial_Local1012
"I just had a baby 10 days ago. Know what I was doing 11 days ago? Cleaning the damn house cause no one is gonna do it for me. Oh, and guess what I did today? Yeah, I cleaned the damn house."
"She is preganant, not teminally ill. Also her hormones should be making her nest—usually that means wanting sh*t clean. NTA."
"People it's 2024. I am not hauling buckets of water or bashing clothes by the riverbank. Putting a plate in the dishwasher, moving a sweeper over the floor, and pressing the button on the laundry machine will not make me herniate."
"Also I have a perfectly good support system. In my country every woman gets a post partum nurse, for free."
"Also getting back to normal quickly is good for recovery. As long as you listen to your body you will be fine." ~ AdeptAd3224
"This is only going to get worse. Soon you will be tripping over dirty diapers and rotting formula bottles and trying to get rid of cockroaches and rodents."
"Living with your DIL will make you resentful of your grandkid. Throwing her out will make your son resent you and also interfere with you having a healthy relationship with your grandkid."
NTA. She either cleans up after herself in your home or she can hope someone will clean up after her in the nearest shelter."
"Best write the eviction notice now. If your address is legally her address, it'll be hard to throw her out." ~ sassychubzilla
"I think OP needs to be firm with her boundaries and lay out real life consequences. It may seem cruel now but kicking them out is truly the best thing. NTA."
"Yes, you may lose your son because this is how entitled people act. They get angry when you no longer tolerate their disrespect, but in the long run you are doing your son the biggest favor."
"You are teaching him actions have consequences and maybe while they're out on the streets maybe they will start to become more responsible. Right now they see you as a pushover and someone to use and abuse because you love them.
"They think it's their God given right to do what they want because you're his mother and should be taking care of his wife."
"Time for him to man the f up and start taking responsibility for his actions instead of running to mommy when life gets hard." ~ puddinglove
But some felt everybody sucked (ESH).
"ESH. While some cleaning chemicals and chores might need to be avoided while pregnant, she can certainly do the bare minimum of not leaving a mess."
"But why are you just threatening to kick her out when your son is also part of the problem? He should be cleaning up after himself and he should be helping out his pregnant girlfriend." ~ 0biterdicta
"'If she doesn't start cleaning at 8 months pregnant then she won't with a baby'—like yeah, sure. But now she's 8 months pregnant."
"Is it objectively horrendously messy, or do you have exacting standards? Not saying you can't have those standards, but standards differ."
"Is her bathroom (which I presume you don't have to go into) just a cluttered counter when you prefer to keep them bare? Or is there sh*t stains on the toilet as developed as her baby?"
"If the latter, NTA. But if the former, ESH. She should be putting dishes away after using them."
"You're well within your right to want things to the standard you want, but it doesn't mean you aren't holding someone to too high of a standard, especially if they are significantly pregnant."
"It feels kind of like you're mad at her for getting pregnant and then rushing to get married and venting it out in this way instead." ~ ardryhs
"Honestly ESH. She should take care to be more tidy, but honestly you don't care if you're an a**hole. You just came here to vent, and get vindicated for your point of view."
"If you were willing to kick out your son, the mother of his child, and unborn grandchild without any guilt or worry over the outside perception it will cause, you would have done it." ~ BassFace1026
"ESH. You can't tell me that these two had a sparkling clean apartment and suddenly changed to slobs for no reason when they moved in with you. You knew what they were and you let them move in."
"Why are you surprised? For crying out loud, you raised your son. You are shocked that he is a slob who is okay living with a bigger slob?"
"And screaming at your DIL is not a solution, and frankly, you're old enough to know that. Waiting until your son is not at home and your DIL is 8 months along to have your screaming fit really doesn't make me have much sympathy for you."
"Look, either you are willing to support them to some extent for the sake of your future grandchild, or you're not. The choice is yours."
"If you feel like they are abusing your generosity then give them a move out date and accept the pieces as they fall. Decide what you're willing to risk to have a clean house."
"Likewise your son and DIL need to decide what they're willing to do to provide for their future kid." ~ MeanestGoose
We hope that this family can find a better balance when it comes to the household chores before the baby comes because there's sure to be far more to be done around the house.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp