After a married couple divorces or separates, does the in-laws owe a relationship to the ex?
A woman wondering why she needs to meet her soon-to-be ex brother-in-law’s girlfriend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Smithsonian-2020 asked:
“AITA for not welcoming my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend (GF) into my life?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For context, my sister recently (4 months ago) left her husband (my brother-in-law), after years of his alcoholism and cheating. My husband has been friends with BIL for years (they only met through my sister and I).”
“My husband has stayed friends with him, though only just (because neither of us approve of how he is handling the separation.) BIL has spent months being nasty to my sister and making each step harder than it needed to be.”
“I have not spoken to BIL or spent any time with him since, other than twice when I saw him around town—I was polite and said ‘hi’.”
“As expected, both my sister and BIL have started dating other people. He now has a new GF of one month.”
“Yesterday he asked if he could bring the new girlfriend to our house so we can get to know each other etc… I said no.”
“He accused me of being unreasonable and immature. I find the request utterly obnoxious to tell you the truth.”
“Do people really think that is normal—to treat my sister poorly, to be separated, and then still want to be part of my family? Does that make me the a**hole here?”
“He has only been dating the new person for a month! Am I expected to meet every new girlfriend?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I said no to meeting my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend. It is possible that saying no was unreasonable and therefore makes me the a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA and honestly I’m grossed out by your husband’s handling of this. Why is he still friends with this cheater who is also legitimately and actively being awful to your sister, his in-law and family?” ~ Archivist-exe
“Maintaining the relationship with brother-in-law shows OP where her husband stands on infidelity and general douchery toward her sister. They probably laugh about brother-in-law’s behavior when they’re alone together.”
“The fact that brother-in-law is entitled to come to OP’s home—let alone bring his new girlfriend—tells me hubby tacitly approves everything that’s going on. No bueno.” ~ RandoCollision
“When my sister got divorced I was furious with her and barely spoke to her for ages for being awful to her ex-husband, and she was my own sister. I can’t even imagine wanting to maintain a close relationship in a situation like the one described, where OP’s husband literally saw their BIL mistreat his wife’s sister so badly.” ~ Sorry_I_Guess
“He’s putting his friendship with the BIL at a higher priority than his marriage, actively hurting his wife’s sister, and his wife by extension. That’s not okay.” ~ peakerforlife
“NTA. I find it disconcerting your husband is still that close to your BIL though. The man cheated on your sister—what sounds like multiple times—and he’s an alcoholic. That’s not the kind of person I would want around, even moreso given your sister was the one who suffered under it.”
“You don’t need to remain connected to your ex BIL. You certainly don’t need to invite him into your house. Since you’re not longer in his social circle, there’s no reason you’d need to meet his new girlfriend.” ~ DragonCelica
“We have a family friend (started as a nanny, but everyone became very close to her) of about 15 years. She had met someone and ended up marrying him about 10 years ago, they had a child together, and we all grew close to him and their child also.”
“She ended up cheating on him and we all dropped her over it but we invite him to everything still.” ~ Extension_Ant8691
“You are the company you keep. Even if poster’s husband never cheats, everyone knows ex-BIL cheated on his wife and your husband is going to be guilty by association.” ~ Shadow4summer
“OP’s husband in the future ‘why dont you trust me xyz’.”
“OP, ‘because you are friends with someone who has no morals, respect or loyalty’.”
“OP’s husband ‘yeah but what does BILs bad character have to do with trusting me’.”
“Unfortunately, I have met people who are that dense to not understand that we get judged by not only our own actions, but by the actions of the people we surround ourselves with.”
“Surrounding yourself with ‘bad people’ means that no matter how much you claim you dont approve, you still associate with them and actions speek louder than words.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“NTA, however I wouldn’t continue a relationship with him AT ALL. Your husband can meet him outside of your home if he wants to see his friend.” ~ dncrmom
“Though I would be VERY concerned if the husband wanted to maintain a friendship with a cheating alcoholic.” ~ StructEngineer91
“NTA. Tell him, ‘I don’t like you and I don’t want to be around you. If you bring her here against my wishes [look pointedly at husband], I will tell her all of the horrible things you have said and done over the years. I will make her so uncomfortable—and I will will tell her that I warned you I would act that way—that she will wonder why the hell you brought her here to put her through that. And I will tell her that you brought her here, knowingly, because you are a selfish little prick’.”
“And if your husband ever brings him into your house again, simply, and calmly, lay into him nonstop. ‘Hey a**hole, why are you here? I don’t want you here. Get your ugly face out of my house. You are stinking the place up. Don’t sit on my furniture. No, you cannot have anything to drink. Get out. Leave. Go away…’.”
“You really do NEED to be an a**hole to him. Stop trying to avoid conflict—he is counting on that. And let your husband know that the ‘conflict’ will be directed at him unless he chooses wisely. They both expect you to just roll over and live with it.” ~ willowviolet
“My husband has ended friendships whenever any of our mutual friends have been outed as terrible partners and cheaters, but he knows if he didn’t, he would catch the strays I’d be hurling at the other guy (so far only had dudes in our social circle come up as awful partners).”
“OP’s husband knew about the problems in their marriage before OP’s sister did if he’s so chill and accepting of the BIL being awful now openly. He knew about the problem drinking/alcohol dependence and the cheating but it was okay with him. No doubt.” ~ wildferalfun
“NTA. BIL is still friends with your husband but not with you. You no longer consider him family and there is no need for you to have a closer relationship with him.”
“BIL just sounds butthurt because the consequences of his actions are catching up to him.” ~ Tanooki07
“NTA, he’s no one to you. He is your husbands friend , not yours. You don’t even have to talk to him if you don’t want.”
“It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your husband that you’re not comfortable with him being in your home and you’re not telling him that he cannot be his friend, but that he cannot bring him to your shared home any longer, and he can meet him other places.” ~ United-Manner20
“NTA. At best he’s utterly clueless and doesn’t understand he’s now way lower down on the priority list than your sister. At worst, he’s hoping you’ll befriend the new gf and it’ll hurt your sister and your relationship with her.” ~ booboo773
“NTA. There is no way in hell, however, that your ex BIL should be setting foot in your home. The fact that your husband is staying friends with him, knowing that your ex BIL cheated repeatedly on your sister and is being a jackass through the separation does not speak well to your husband’s character.” ~ New-Comment2668
“Your husband wants to stay friends with a person who deceived, lied and disrespected someone from his family? A person who thinks cheating on your partner is A-OK?”
“‘Dime con quien andas y te diré quien eres’, basically you’re the company you keep… Do you not see ANYTHING concerning in that?”
“Your husband basically says it is fine to be a cheater and make things impossible for your ex along the way…. Do you not see any issues there? Really?” ~ Newgirlkat
“OK, the alcoholic and cheater called you unreasonable and immature—now here’s the crazy question: If you’re those things, why would he want to bring his GF around you? Trust me, he’s only trying to drive your sister crazy by ‘replacing’ her. Don’t fall for it! You don’t have to invite trash like him into your home.” ~ BatDance3121
“Who is asking? Your use of he is confusing. Is he the BIL or your husband?”
“NTA, either way because there is no way I would entertain someone who is actively nasty to my sister, particularly when it’s likely to be used as a way to further hurt her.” ~ concretism
The OP gains nothing by maintaining a relationship with her soon-to-be ex brother-in-law. Severing that tie eliminates any reason to meet his current and future girlfriends.