When a person is really into a relationship, they’re typically pretty obvious about it. They might talk about it a lot, blush when the person they’re with comes up in conversation, and generally make a lot of plans with their partner.
They might even try to get their hands on some family heirlooms, gasped the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Artistic_Contact_338 had a good relationship with her ex-husband’s new girlfriend and was impressed with how well she came into the family and was even respectful of the daughter she was co-parenting with her ex-husband.
So when the new girlfriend started to push for access to family heirlooms, including the ones the Original Poster (OP)’s daughter inherited from her late mother-in-law, she was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not letting my ex-husband’s new girlfriend have a piece of his mother’s jewelry?”
The OP had a great relationship and co-parenting strategy with her ex-husband.
“I (40 Female) and my ex, Joe (41 Male), were high school sweethearts, started dating when we were 17, married at 19, and divorced 20 years later, so going on two years ago now.”
“We have an amazing daughter, Sara, who is eight, and has adjusted really well to the separation.”
“Joe and I get along great, the divorce was amicable and we’re still good friends. Not like we hang out alone or anything, but we don’t argue or fuss at each other, help each other out, and just overall have each other’s backs because, at the end of the day, our number one priority will always be Sara and doing what is best for her.”
The OP even had a good relationship with her ex’s new girlfriend, Lily.
“We’ve both moved on and are in serious long-term relationships with other people. His girlfriend, Lily (46 Female), is great and really good for him.”
“I have never had any conflict with her and enjoy spending time with her when we all get together for holidays and other important events or celebrations.”
“Until last week.”
The family had recently been dealing with the passing of both of Joe’s parents.
“Joe’s parents passed away within a month of each other last summer, and it was devastating for all of us. Even though Joe and I had already been divorced for about a year, they still treated me like family, and I loved them dearly.”
“Joe and Lily hadn’t started dating yet, so she never met them, which is a shame. They were incredible people.”
“Last week, Sara got a box in the mail from her Aunt who was responsible for dividing up my late mother-in-law’s jewelry amongst the kids and grandkids. She had a huge collection of both costume and more expensive fine jewelry.”
“I let Joe know about it, and he explained that some of it was left to me so when he would come over, we could sort through it together. Lily came with him, which was fine. It was extremely difficult and we were both very emotional, so I’m glad she was there to support him.”
Lily clearly had her eye on one of the sets of jewelry.
“Here’s where I think I may be the a-hole. As we were going through the jewelry, we pulled out a couple of cheaper pieces of costume jewelry for Sara to have now, and I picked out a couple of rings, a necklace, and three pairs of earrings to keep, knowing that they would eventually go to Sara as well.”
“Joe and I agreed that the rest of it would be put away in the lockbox, and we each have a key to my house. We would stay there until Sara was older, and then it went to her. One of the pieces being put away is a beautiful set of ruby and diamond earrings and a necklace that are obviously very real, and we believe were passed down from Joe’s grandmother.”
“Lily had been admiring the set and making comments about how well it would go with the wedding dress she had been looking at (they aren’t engaged) or even with some of her date night outfits.”
“Joe didn’t say anything to her in response, and when she put them down, I wrapped them back up and put them along with the rest of the jewelry in the lockbox.”
Lily refused to let the matter go.
“Since then, Lily has texted me multiple times asking about them and if she can just ‘borrow’ them.”
“At one point, she accused me of just wanting them for myself and pointed out that Joe and I were divorced and I didn’t have any right to keep them.”
“She has also said that when they get married, the jewelry will legally be part of their marital assets anyway, so I’m just putting off the inevitable.”
“I’m not planning on wearing them, per my agreement with Joe. I’ll wear the pieces I picked out, and the rest will stay put away for Sara. I have zero intention of taking any of it out unless it’s necessary, and even then, I’ll let Joe know what’s going on with it.”
“Joe’s has been radio silent, and I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to cause any conflict that could have an impact on Sara.”
“So am I the a**hole for not giving in and letting Lily have some of the jewelry meant for my daughter?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that there was no one to give the jewelry but her daughter.
“NTA. Jewelry handed down to your daughter from her grandmother never belonged to her father, so won’t ever be part of the marital assets. The jewelry isn’t even yours to give or lend. It’s your daughter’s now.” – Lady_Salamander
“The jewelry belongs to your daughter. End of story. You cannot loan or give away something that belongs to someone else. That the Aunt gave you the jewelry and not her own brother (your ex-husband) speaks volumes. This jewelry is intended for your daughter and was given directly to you OP for safekeeping.”
“You can honestly say to this future bride, ‘Sorry, but I am not allowed to loan out this jewelry as it belongs to my daughter.'” – Altruistic-Text3481
“She is a pushy thing, isn’t she? It is a big red flag, and I hope your ex sees it as such. The greed is really disgusting. This isn’t about her, and it isn’t about anyone else. It’s about the relationship your late mother-in-law had with your daughter, and this was one way she wanted to honor that. If Lily has any class, she’ll respect that and get jewelry somewhere else.” – Novel-Sprinkles3333
“Lily is a repulsive creature who wants to steal a child’s inheritance from the OP’s ex’s own mother.”
“The OP’s ex should put his girlfriend in her place and protect his child.”
“Since when did a girlfriend assume that a child’s inheritance and the OP’s own preferences become a marital asset for the girlfriend to have? And why would a reasonable partner assume they were entitled to family heirlooms when they haven’t even been proposed to?!” – lovemyfurryfam
“Even if the OP is worried about stirring the pot, the OP’s ex-husband needs to know what a greedy person she is. I doubt very seriously if he knew what Lily has been saying to you, they wouldn’t be dating anymore… with very good reason.”
“Even if she does, perchance, marry him, I bet she’ll start working on Sarah to get her hands on that jewelry! All she’s seeing is how valuable this jewelry is and how can she get her hands on it!” – OkieLady1952
Others encouraged the OP to do something to protect the jewelry, just in case.
“I suggest that you put a note on the outside of the box stating that the contents of the box belong to Sara and that she inherited the contents from her grandmother X.”
“If something unfortunate should happen, there is no doubt that the jewelry belongs to your daughter.”
“If the girlfriend continues to harass you, I think you should forward the texts/emails to your ex.” – me0mio
“It may also be worth getting real stuff valued and documented on your contents insurance. A lot of policies exclude jewelry over a certain value unless it’s been evaluated and listed on the policy.” – Pokeynono
“She should photograph every piece, consider getting appraisals on the finer pieces, and then put in a safety deposit box.”
“This way, she not only has a visual record of what’s in there, but it’s also safe from fire or theft in her home.”
“I won’t comment much on Lily’s demands. I kind of doubt she’ll be around that much longer. Even if OP doesn’t mention any of this to her ex, I think it’s probably safe to assume that she’ll start haranguing him for the jewelry. She’s pretty persistent, and I think it’s going to throw red flags all over the place.” – definitelytheA
“She’s already talking wedding dresses and communal assets, yet they’re not even engaged. I really hope that your ex has his eyes open, or he’s going to have a rude surprise.”
“I would let your ex know what is being said because this woman is trying to get access to his daughter’s inheritance from her grandmother. They did not go to him. They went directly to the grandchild, so they would never be communal assets. The girlfriend has no right to them.”
“She is already trying to assert herself and get access to things that are none of her business.” – FortuneWhereThoutBe
“If she’s so convinced that the ex-husband has just as much right to the jewelry as OP does, why didn’t she just ask him in the first place?”
“I’d also caution OP against using the ‘It’s not mine to loan out, it’s Sara’s’ argument because an eight-year-old is going to be a lot easier to manipulate than an adult. I can definitely see it backfiring and Lily just asking Sara if she can wear it, harassing her until she says yes, then coming back with, ‘Well, you said that you don’t have a say in it because it belongs to her, and she said I can wear it! INDEFINITELYYYY.'” – autotuned_voicemails
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“So many of you asked for an update so here it is really quick. I wrote this out yesterday and figured out that it was probably better to make a new post than edit the other one with it. So yeah, here’s what’s going on.”
“Joe took an extended lunch yesterday and came by the house without Lily. I explained to him why I was reluctant to bring everything up, but I was tired of being harassed about the jewelry and that I feel strongly about it belonging to Sara, not to either of us, and certainly not to Lily.”
“He agreed immediately and was shocked to find out that she had been asking about it and then angry when I showed him the messages.”
“I figured the best course of action was a face-to-face conversation with him and being able to hand him my phone so he could see the conversation for himself and there would be no way for her to accuse me of making it up or photoshopping anything.”
“It sucked to see him so upset over it, and I have a feeling that it’s going to get worse because from what he was saying, it sounds like Lily won’t be around much longer, and regardless, she won’t be allowed back in my home and won’t be spending any time with Sara alone if he doesn’t break up with her.”
The OP had also put some of the recommendations from the subReddit into action.
“I did also go first-thing yesterday morning to open a safe deposit box at one of the local banks. It’s not the one I normally do business with and as of right now, my name is the only one on it and I have the only key.”
“I was worried about the possibility of Lily having any kind of access to the jewelry with it being in the house, and until all of that is resolved, I feel better knowing that there’s no way for her to get to it.”
“Joe and I also discussed this when he came over, and he said that he agrees completely that it’s the best course of action to safeguard Sara’s inheritance.”
“All but one of the pieces I picked out also went in, and as much as I would love to have a couple of the other pieces to wear in remembrance of her on the really hard days, I would rather know it’s safe, and I still have the one piece that brings me so much comfort.”
“All kinds of notarized documents will be on their way to me and should be here by the end of the week when I have a meeting set up with a lawyer to determine what else needs to be done to ensure that the jewelry will go to Sara without any issues or challenges.”
“I spoke to the Aunt who sent everything over the weekend after I posted this (and got so much good advice, thank you all!) and requested she send copies of everything pertaining to it along with documentation from her as the executor of what was sent to who, etc. I didn’t tell her about the issues with Lily. I don’t think that’s my place, and I’ll let Joe deal with telling his family or not as he sees fit.”
I have an appointment later today with a GIA-certified appraiser so I should be able to take all of that with me to the lawyer as well as the pictures and video that I took of each piece last night. I’m still leaning towards a trust as the best way to make sure Sara’s interests and assets are protected but we’ll see what the lawyer says and go from there.”
The OP still felt awful for having to involve Joe in the situation.
“I feel terrible for Joe. He’s a great guy, and even though our marriage didn’t work out, I still care about him and always will. He’s not just my child’s father but also one of my best friends, and I want him to find someone to be with who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.”
“It’s just that whoever that is needs to understand that Sara is always going to come first, and he and I will always work as a team to make sure that she’s happy, healthy, and successful in life. Our relationships with each other and other people aren’t going to hinder her in any way.”
“Thank you to everyone who commented and offered so much good advice and support. I really do appreciate all of it more than I can tell you.”
The subReddit applauded the OP and her ex-husband for co-parenting so well.
“You guys seem to make a great team for Sara. She’s going to grow up very well-loved.” – CosmicTuesday
“The whole time I was reading this, I was like, ‘Ahh, reasonable people, how refreshing.” – Orphanpuncher00
“Honestly, Lily’s not entitled to that jewelry, and you’re right to keep it safe. Joe’s obviously backing you up, so it sounds like you’ve handled this with both grace and smarts. Props to you, both of you.” – brmc214
“You are a good person, co-parent, and mom.”
“And Joe’s a good dad. And you’re an awesome team. Well done.” – newtonianlaws
But one Redditor couldn’t help but wonder:
“Now I’m invested and want to have Joe post about his conversation with Lily!?!?”
“Or have Lily post about how her entitled personality made it okay to try to steal from a child!?!?”
“(Sorry. It’s been a boring week in my life.)” – SerenityPickles
The subReddit was able to breathe a sigh of relief at how the OP and her ex-husband came together on this issue to resolve it, leading their daughter to be able to keep the jewelry that was rightfully hers.
If the OP’s ex-husband were serious about Lily, she would surely receive something related to the family eventually. Demanding it now, especially from a child, not only is a terrible look, but it also reeks of desperation to be accepted and ultimately proposed to. Yeesh.