It’s infuriatingly ironic when someone hurts us and we struggle to heal from it, while they have no problem not only moving on, but with forgetting what they did completely.
What’s alarming is how many of these forgetful people assume that they can remain amicable with the people they’ve hurt, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SweepBridgeEdge’s ex-husband was the perfect example of this, as they had gotten a divorce because of his cheating and terrible treatment of her, and in the years since, he’d expected them to be close friends.
But when he even expected her to essentially coparent the children that he had with his new wife and treat them all as one big, happy family, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to draw a new, firm line.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my ex-husband his newest children are nothing to me and to my extended family?”
The OP’s ex-husband treated her terribly at the end of their marriage.
“My ex-husband and I share custody of our two children (12 and 10).”
“Our marriage ended in a way that caused a lot of conflict and resentment. He turned somewhat emotionally abusive when he told me he was done, and he said he found me disgusting and repulsive, and that he had wanted to cheat so many times because the thought of ‘sticking it in me’ made him want to puke.”
“He’d been off for a little while prior to that, but the outburst was unexpected. It was unsettling because he’d brushed off his mood as work stress, and then he just unleashed all that stuff onto me.”
“He later confessed to cheating twice. Any hope for us to be friendly after the divorce ended, given how he ended things.”
“My family all hate him for how he spoke to me, but the kids don’t know. I never wanted to drag them into this, and once he wasn’t treating them the same way, I was happy they weren’t mixed up in everything.”
Years later, the OP’s ex acted like nothing had happened and expected them to be friends.
“After a couple of years, my ex-husband tried to act like nothing bad had gone down, but I put some firm boundaries in place.”
“I don’t answer social calls or texts, and I eventually got a co-parenting app in place to make communication better. I still can’t block him, but it means I don’t need to respond via text at all.”
“He attempted to act all buddy-buddy when his new wife was expecting their first child together, and he even tried to suggest my extended family could come to the baby shower.”
“None of them were ever going to go, and I certainly wasn’t.”
“But he’s had this weird expectation for a while.”
“This bubbled over recently when we were attending a meeting with our youngest child’s teacher.”
“My ex-husband complained that my parents had seen him, his wife, and all the kids in public, but they had hugged ours and kept things distant with him, his wife, and their new children.”
“He said they were already walking away, but one of his younger kids wanted a hug. He said they never make the effort to be in his younger kids’ lives, and he complained that I never make the effort, either. He said we’re all one family in some way or another.”
That’s when the OP drew a hard boundary with her ex.
“This is where I might have been an a**hole, because I told him his newest children are nothing to me and my extended family. I said that yes, they are the half-siblings of my kids, but that I am not their aunt or their kinda mom figure or their family friend.”
“I told him he destroyed any chance for friendship with how he treated me, and my family wasn’t going to forget it, either.”
“We didn’t talk again about it during the meeting or after. I left immediately.”
“But my ex-husband has texted repeatedly since then, telling me how wrong it is to consider his children nothing and how our kids must be picking up on it because they treat each other better than the younger kids.”
“That was the first I heard of it. But the repeated texts have gone unanswered by me. But I can see where I may have been wrong to say that.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had set very healthy and reasonable boundaries.
“NTA. You set healthy boundaries after being emotionally hurt, and you don’t owe him or his new kids anything, especially after how he treated you.” – LunaVeils
“He treated you terribly, and it’s clear you’re still carrying that emotional weight. But I think calling his children ‘nothing’ may have been a bit too harsh, especially when it’s about your kids’ relationships with their siblings. That being said, he shouldn’t expect you to forget the past.” – iamshashank08
“It sounds like some family counseling for OP and her two children with a family therapist would be a good thing. OP’s kids are in a difficult position and probably have a lot of questions, and usually, a few sessions with a trained therapist will give them the opportunity to talk it through.”
“I’m sure they are getting pressure from their father to love their half-siblings the same as they love each other, he is possibly bad-mouthing OP and her family, and that is all very difficult for the kids to process. They need to know that no one can demand they love someone else, and need to be given permission to feel exactly how they feel without guilt or pressure.”
“Kids have no real control over their lives and need to learn even this young that though their father has control over where they go and who they see during his custody time, no one can dictate their feelings.” – Successful_Voice8542
“NTA. The kids can have a relationship with their siblings. OP says nothing about that, about hindering it in any way.”
“She just says that she’s not looking for a relationship for herself, nor is any of her extended family… his ex-in-laws.”
“She’s not a stepmother. She’s not an auntie. She’s not anything to these children who were born after their marriage fell apart… because of his actions.”
“She doesn’t owe him anything. She doesn’t owe his children anything. The only thing she owes is to help her own children maintain their relationship, and to not hinder it… which it doesn’t seem like she is.” – Thr33Littl3Monk3ys
“NTA. Your kids are probably picking up on his expectations of you and your family.”
“Plus, no matter how much you tried to hide his past behaviour from them, kids aren’t as oblivious as we like to believe and can be quite aware even if they don’t know the nitty gritty stuff.”
“It’s on him and his wife to explain that you and your family aren’t their family to their kids, because their expectations will be passed onto the kids. All that they are owed is politeness and civility when in the same place, and that doesn’t include physical affection, like hugs.” – kindaright-ish
Others stated that the cheating ex-husband was delusional about being a nice guy.
“He’s also either delusional or super manipulative by bringing it up at a parent-teacher conference! He didn’t need to address it at all, but why the f**k did he think that was a good place to do it?” – perpetuallyxhausted
“NTA, not ever. But he chose a parent-teacher meeting about your youngest child and made it all about his new child. No one has any reason to have anything to do with him, his new wife, or their kid.”
“Your children are half-siblings. That’s it. You and your family have zero blood relation.”
“I do hope when your kids are all grown up and at an age they can handle it, you will let them know about this. I’m sure they wondered why.” – Raptor007
“NTA. He is very delusional. I can’t understand why he expects you and your family to embrace children that are nothing to do with you. Also, after the way he insulted you, he can go to h**l.” – Affectionate-Tap1967
“It’s like he’s trying to ‘level’ the field by making OP out to be the bad guy so people forget what he’s done in the past.”
“Also, don’t believe the stuff he says about the kids until you see it for yourself. Manipulation works for narcissists like him.”
“OP, you are NTA and have no obligation to make him feel better by acknowledging his other family.” – Anajam1981
“My diagnosed Narcissistic ex is STILL trying to get me to be ‘family,’ and hang out with him 25 years after he left me the day I found I was pregnant with the baby we were trying to have after seven years of marriage. He was emotionally abusive to me and to our son, but thought he and his new wife, and me and my husband should vacation together!”
“To a self-involved, immature person, when THEY feel it’s time to be ‘over’ something, they literally do not have the emotional imagination to understand that someone else may have different feelings to theirs. Don’t you see you OWE him attention! He’s important! (in his own mind!) How are you and your family ignoring him! Inconceivable!” – Laurelcanyoner
“Her narcissistic ex sounds so deluded that he can’t fathom his ‘disgusting’ ex not wanting anything to do with him.”
“He can’t understand why her family doesn’t want anything to do with him or his spawn.”
“He can’t handle it that they don’t care about him, his new wife, or his new kids. It doesn’t fit in with his grandiose delusion of himself.” – tigerofjiangdong1337
Some theorized that the real reason the ex wanted to stay connected was for his own benefit.
“I’m sure he’s pushing the OP because if he wins, then he and his wife can have alone time while he sends all the kids to OP and her family. I get the feeling he’s looking for babysitters.” – Embarrassed_Till_171
“He can get his own family or the new wife’s family to babysit. He has a lot of nerve (really censoring myself here) to expect the woman he abused and her family to be there for him. He burned that bridge. His kids with this new wife can get their hugs from their own grandparents. Clearly NTA.” – MallUpstairs2886
“I’m willing to bet that he had children with his new wife because he thought he had a super-involved support system. Then, he had the kids and realized that OP has a support system, and he has nothing. They were only his support system because he was married to OP.” – Which-Month-3907
“I’m betting ex and his wife don’t have extended family of their own, and believe yours should automatically step in and play happy family with them. Delusional, I must say. NTA.” – Ratchet_gurl24
“NTA. That’s maddening.”
“It reminds me of this lady I used to work with who had a quick temper. Whenever she lost it and then calmed down, she would never apologize, no matter how she had treated people, but instead would come over and make a point of interacting with you as though everything was normal.”
“It was like that was an apology instead, and if you interacted back normal, then it was done. Most people did because it was at work, and she always brought over work matters as the pretext for the interaction.”
“I wonder if this situation is kind of like that, with the added benefit of a ready-made extended and closely knit family for his other children once he had them and realized the disparity that would exist?” – Terrible_Session_658
The subReddit could not stop side-eying the ex-husband for how he had treated the OP and now how he was expecting the two of them to essentially coparent children from two separate relationships.
But the truth of the matter was, the ex-husband was the only one who had to coparent both families’ kids, because he was the only one related to them.
Her children being half-siblings did not make her someone else’s stepmother, and after how she’d been treated, even in the years since her divorce, she had every reason to want to stay away from her ex-husband.