Holidays with kids after a divorce can be difficult. Parents might both want to be with their children, but not with each other.
Their kids may also want to spend holidays with both parents. But if they aren’t all in the same geographic location, that can be impossible.
A mother concerned about her children’s holiday wishes turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
The AITAH subReddit is similar to AITA, but doesn’t offer a final judgment or specify voting acronyms, although some commenters will still use the ones from AITA.
Glitterycupcakes02 asked:
“AITA for accepting an invitation to join my ex-husband’s family for a family Christmas vacation, not caring about his current wife’s feelings?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My ex (33, male) and I (32, female) have been divorced for almost four years. We share two kids together, a 7 and a 11-year-old.”
“He and his now wife married last year in the middle of April. She has a 12-year-old from a previous relationship and is currently pregnant with my ex’s child.”
“Friday was my 11-year-old’s birthday, but her birthday party was hosted on Saturday at a bowling alley with me, my ex, his wife, his step-daughter, my 7-year-old, a few friends of my 11-year-old’s and some relatives from me and my ex-husband’s side all attending.”
“I was chatting with my sister and mom while having my youngest next to me, when my former MIL approached us. She asked us all basic questions like how we’ve been doing and how’s life and all.”
“She then brought up a planned week long family vacation in Florida for Christmas and asked if I would like to join. My youngest immediately jumped up begging me to accept the invite.”
“This would be the first time they ever planned spending Christmas out of town, but I said yes. My youngest was happy and ran off to tell my oldest.”
“Yesterday afternoon, I get a call from my ex saying that he was informed about his mother inviting me on the Christmas vacation. He sounded exhausted over the phone, but I told him I did accept the invitation.”
“He then went on to say that his wife wasn’t happy about it and that she didn’t see the need of me going on this trip since him and I are no longer married. I asked him if that was supposed to mean something to me.”
“He responded with she finds it disrespectful that I was even invited in the first place. I asked him ‘is there a part where I’m supposed to care about how she feels, because I honestly don’t’.”
“He asked me if I really needed to go on this trip and told me that he doesn’t want any problems or anything messing up this trip. I told him that there won’t be any problems as long as he and his wife don’t start any problems.”
“I even suggested that if she has a problem with me going on this trip, then maybe she could just stay home and that my kids are the only reason why I’m going. Not wanting to continue this conversation I made up an excuse as to why I had to hang up and ended the call.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I’m going to be in a different motel. The only time he will see me is when I will pick up my kids for some activities. It’s going to be an all week thing.”
“I’m going because my kids want me there. They don’t want to spend Christmas without me.”
“When I was invited on this trip, I wasn’t thinking about anybody else’s feelings—especially my ex husband‘s wife. I was only thinking about how my kids would feel.”
“They want me on this trip and it would make them happy. My children’s happiness and feelings come before any adult’s feelings.”
“I’m not interested in any drama. I just don’t see why I should care about this woman’s feelings and put it over my own kids’ feelings.”
Some Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were pretty divided in their opinions.
“You are probably being weaponized as the MIL does not like the new wife.” ~ dirkdiggler2011
“I’m wondering if the MIL doesn’t get along with the new DIL. Because why wouldn’t the MIL tell her son that she was going to invite the ex?” ~ Beginning-Fox9822
“I have a friend who is like the 2nd wife in this scenario. First wife had 4 kids with the husband then divorced, my friend had 3 with him.”
“For many years, Christmas was spent down south and all of them went and stayed at the same resort including ex-MIL.”
“My friend thought why should ex-wife miss out on Christmas with her kids? She was cool with it.”
“They don’t go down south anymore, but all of them spend Thanksgiving together.”
“I admire the adulting they all do, particularly my friend. NTA.” ~ Longjumping-Lab-1916
“Definitely NTA–she’s setting a great example of co-parenting and showing that it’s possible to get along even in complex family situations.” ~ bcretrtrfh
“Save everyone the drama and don’t go.” ~ Bondibouy2026
“It’s one thing if you want everyone to blend and get along. But it feels very telling that your reaction is ‘and I’m supposed to care why?’.” ~ timofey-pnin
“As a mom and stepmom, I’d say it is time to tread lightly.”
“Ex-MIL started a whole lot of drama in front of the kids for a reason, and that reason likely isn’t actually you. You’re getting drawn into something that could be really bad.”
“There’s ‘all of us blend and get along great’, and then there’s ‘second wife is always second and needs to know her place’. This reads like the latter to me, and that’s not something you want to get caught up in.”
“When my ex-MIL decided, after the years of hating me because I’d married her son and then celebrating the divorce, that she hated the next wife more than she hated me and tried to invite me on family trips, I didn’t even bother answering.”
“I just forwarded it all to the ex and told him to handle it. One of the few things he did, actually.”
“Do you have to worry about the next wife’s feelings? No, but being rude could backfire on your kids and you in weird or bad ways. It never hurts to take the high road.” ~ Greyeyedqueen7
“As a grandfather of 5 grandkids, once your ex-MIL extended the invitation in front of the 7-year-old, the die was cast. It seems like you and your kids have a good relationship with with the paternal grandparents, so enjoy.” ~ txparrothead58
“If this was written the other way and said ‘my new husband’s mother keeps inviting his ex to things to let me know I’m a replacement’, I feel like people would be siding with the new wife. I think they would be saying how the ex can have holidays with the kids separately and there is no need to invite her.”
“While I agree it is better for everyone to get along, sharing vacations with an ex—even when you have kids—isn’t necessary.”
“Hope all works out best for the kids. Good luck all.” ~ LB7154
“I think grandma just wanted to get her way and she asked in front of the kids to make it happen. Because OP may not have agreed to let them travel without her.”
“And granny wants to go to Florida. Obviously I’m filling in some blanks here, but that was not cool. It should have been discussed amongst the adults first.”
“Even if OP declined the invite she’d still have to be the bad guy if she said no to letting the kids travel. Not cool at all grandma.” ~ DELILAHBELLE2605
“What if the OP got remarried and her MIL was inviting her husband’s ex-wife on their trips? There’s no freakin’ way OP would like that. Unfortunately, way too may people don’t ever think about ‘if this happened to me, how would I feel?’.” ~ TheWhiteVeronica
“YTA. It is not unreasonable for your husband’s pregnant wife to not want to spend a week of vacation with you. For those people out there who make friends with their spouse’s ex—good for them!”
“But you can have respect for someone and also not want to go on vacation with them.”
“I found your response towards your ex to be pretty antagonistic, honestly. Suggesting that his pregnant wife not go on the trip with HER in-laws/family is pretty rude.”
“Your EX-MIL should have definitely never asked you without first discussing it with her son, but it doesn’t sound like either of you considered how the new wife might feel.” ~ International_One_44
The OP provided an update.
“My ex stated he was fine with the arrangements I came up with—different hotel, kids are with him and his family except for some activities they’ll be doing with me.”
“My former mother-in-law told me she will be giving my ex a call to speak to him and his wife. I’m not sure if she’s done it yet, but she does feel bad for upsetting his wife and says she never meant to hurt her in any way.”
While the OP is satisfied with the outcome, it’s unclear if this conflict is resolved.
I guess they’ll find out at Christmas.