Most of us have experienced messy communication tactics after a nasty breakup.
The other person might pretend we don’t even exist, and we might pine for one small apology. Or they might never stop calling us up, reminding us of how much they used to mean to us.
As hurtful as ghosting can be, constantly rubbing salt in the wound just might be worse, admitted the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ill-Breakfast-1879’s ex-boyfriend broke up with her after she set a boundary that he did not like.
But when he kept messaging her to check in, the Original Poster (OP) refused to respond, questioning what the point was of contacting a woman he’d left behind.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for not replying to my ex-boyfriend after he broke up with me?”
The OP’s boyfriend broke up with her when he couldn’t respect a boundary.
“I (29 Female) got broken up with by my ex (30 Male) about a month ago. He ended things because he said we were ‘incompatible.'”
“Basically, I had a boundary that I was clear about since day one, and he told me he couldn’t commit to it anymore.”
“He said there was no way to fix it unless one of us changed our core beliefs, and that he wouldn’t want that, either. So I agreed.”
They ended the relationship with another boundary in place.
“He said he wanted to stay friends, but I told him no. I said it would blur the lines and probably just turn toxic.”
“I told him I needed time to heal before even considering friendship in the future.”
“He said he understood, and we’ve been no contact since.”
Then the OP’s ex-boyfriend stomped on another boundary.
“Then, a few weeks later, he messaged me saying he hoped I was doing well. I didn’t reply.”
“Before we broke up, I had already made a virtual birthday card for him, and since it was scheduled, I decided to let it be sent.”
“He replied to that, thanked me for the thoughtful card, and said (jokingly) that I should reply to his earlier message. I still didn’t respond.”
“The next day, he emailed me saying, ‘I suppose you don’t want to talk. Fair enough.'”
The OP still didn’t want to talk to him.
“I just feel like it’s too soon. I still miss him, and if I reply, it’ll only make things messy and harder to move on.”
“Honestly, I don’t think we could ever get back together at this point. He’s broken up with me twice already, and I can’t help but feel resentment over how easily he let me go.”
“If he really had something important to say, I feel like he would have said it already. Still, his ‘fair enough’ hurt.”
“I want to reply because we ended on good terms and we used to communicate so well, but I also don’t want to give the impression that I’ll always be available, even after he chose to end things.”
“So… AITAH for staying silent?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed at the idea that the OP let the birthday card be sent.
“I don’t think you’re an a**hole, but I think it was not a good choice to let the card send. It’s sending mixed messages for no reason. If you really wanted a clean cut, you wouldn’t have sent it.” – princessvintage
“Pet peeve of mine. No Contact means No Contact. Not ‘No Contact, but it’s their birthday/Christmas celebration/deathbed/ whatever.’ No Contact means No Contact.” – Catfactsss
“Getting the card probably looked like an olive branch to him, so he tried to contact you again.”
“The ‘fair enough’ comment made sense. You said no contact, he tried, and you shut it down, and then you sent a card. What’s he supposed to think?” – apaczkowski
“Sending the card is the definition of mixed signals. That being said, it looks like homeboy is already starting to have regrets for breaking up. Not surprising.”
“Oh well, break up is almost never clean, but moving forward, draw a line and stick to it, OP!” – cmonnomorework
“At least you owe him an explanation for the card. Then reiterate the boundary and cut contact for good if you’re so inclined.” – Difficult-Bus-6026
“It really does look like she’s playing games, and it’s because she says one thing, does another, and then wants something entirely different.”
“She says she needs space from him. Then she purposely opens up communication by sending the card. And then she gets confused that he thought she was opening up communication, while also being upset that he understood that she wasn’t, in fact, opening up communication.”
“What the f**k do you want, OP? Do you even know?” – Bice_theProcess
Others agreed that the OP needed to be clearer about what she wanted.
“He told you his feelings, y’all broke up, and he wants to remain cordial.”
“Just tell him you need more time to find peace with the whole thing, and either text back and forth, or tell him you would rather not communicate with him.”
“No wishy-washy stuff. Either text/chat, or nicely tell him you would rather not. Forget the cards. You are sending mixed messages. It’s not easy, but s**t or get off the pot.” – twister723
“But she fudged the lines from the beginning with, ‘I told him I needed time to heal before even considering friendship in the future,’ which told him at some point she might be willing to be friends.”
“‘In the future’ means different things to different people. If she had no interest in being friends, then she should have just said no and cancelled the birthday card.” – CommunicationGlad299
“The card was confusion that neither of you needed. That aside, I wouldn’t reply.”
“I didn’t speak to an ex of mine for almost 20 years. Circumstances changed three years ago, and we have met up a couple of times. He needed an old friend, and I was there, and he was grateful. We are now distant friends.”
“What I’m saying is that ignoring him here in the short term doesn’t mean he has to be out of your life forever. Unless you want him to be. Doesn’t sound like you’re over it to me. Get to a place of indifference before you consider a friendship with him.” – purpleroller
“Soft YTA for the card. You would be more of an AH if you respond to his email.”
“I had to go no contact with a partner once. Letting that person’s birthday go by and not communicating made it more real than any breakup convo ever could have.”
“Actually go no contact now. No more cards. No replies. No explanations. Maybe even block him. Do this for yourself. Don’t tell him anything.”
“You already communicated everything that needed to be said. Anything at this point is to make yourself feel better, but it’ll actually do the opposite.”
“Don’t reopen the wound. Let your grieving/healing process continue.” – Angelily-215
“I wouldn’t apologize or give any explanation for the card. It’s making a mountain out of a mole hill (or whatever that saying is).”
“From your thought process in this post, I feel like if you, at some point, apologize for the card or even start communicating with him, OP, then you’re just going to eventually fall back into that relationship and break up again, it’ll be a cycle.”
“Just remember how you got back together with him before and how it didn’t work out that time, either.” – Ok_Charity_4991
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few clarifications and an update.
“To clarify some common points from the replies:”
“The original boundary was about having sex and the timing of it. He agreed to it when we first started talking, but changed his mind, which led to him breaking up with me.”
“We didn’t formally agree to a no-contact rule, but we did agree not to stay friends, at least for a while. After our closure talk, he stopped messaging me, which naturally turned into no contact. Later, he reached out again on different apps, but I didn’t respond to any of them.”
“Then I let the virtual birthday card send, which I now realize was a mistake. I understand how it could’ve made him think I was open to talking again, so his disappointment or hurt is valid.”
“Him breaking up with me, then stopping contact, then messaging again made things messy, and sending that card didn’t help, either. I don’t think replying now would do either of us any good.”
“I do feel I owe him an apology for the card, and I plan to send it when I’m ready, likely in a few months. I want that apology to be calm, clear, and genuine so as not to disturb his peace or create expectations.”
“Update: I sent the email apologizing for the card and clarifying that it will be my last message.”
“Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the perspectives shared here.”
It sounded to the subReddit that the OP was struggling to move on from her ex-boyfriend and was leaving some things ambiguous about their relationship in the hopes of not totally breaking things off with him, even if she didn’t want to admit that to herself.
But the truth of the matter was that if she really wanted closure and peace, she needed to cut ties with her ex, completely, or she needed to make peace with having a friendship with him while putting all romantic memories and feelings completely behind them. Since it seemed like ambiguity and past feelings were still too much to deal with right now, no contact seemed like the way to go.