The history of high school exchange programs to the United States began in the 1960s with the introduction of the J-1 visa program created by Senator J. William Fulbright as part of the Mutual Educational and Cultural Exchange Act aimed to "promote cultural understanding and education" between different countries.
My small town in Northern Maine had a history of hosting exchange students, which I found odd. In the 1980s when I was in junior high and high school—which were housed in the same building—we averaged around only 200 students in grades 9-12.
My class was tied with the class of 1961 as the largest class ever with 56 graduating seniors. But in our case, four of those kids were exchange students—one each from Brazil, Costa Rica, Germany and Mexico.
I always wondered if they felt cheated being sent to a very remote, rural area of northern Maine instead of something closer to a big city. It was a great experience for us, but I don't know how great it was for them.
They were, of course, too polite to complain.
A husband whose family is hosting an exchange student turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SweetNo6434 asked:
"AITA for not supporting my wife when she started to cry about a Swedish tradition?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (52, male) and my wife (47, female) already have three kids (13, male; 13, female; and 20, female) but a few months back we felt like we could use a breath of fresh air, so we signed up to take a foreign exchange student for a year."
"We got a 16-year-old Swedish girl that I will call Sara and that has worked very good. She's very open and honest and loves to share how things are in Sweden and how different things are here in the US."
"It was her birthday just a few days ago, so we gathered around the laptop while she was face-timing her family and they started singing in Swedish. But the song was particularly longer and more repetitive, so after the call I asked her about it."
"She explained that some families in Sweden sing a song where they talk about shooting, hanging and drowning the birthday person after they turn 100."
"My wife overheard this and started to get annoyed because in her words 'it was inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to her household' when they sang that without her knowing."
"My wife isn't naturally sensitive to bad language or words, but when she was born she had a 60-year-old dad. He died when he was 96, so she is more conscious about how elderly people can feel just before they are about to die and she felt like the song was making fun of people when they are old and sick."
"Me and the twins were embarrassed while standing there, so I asked her to calm down and that it's just a Swedish joke song that isn't even meant in that way, but she just started ranting about it was her house too and she shouldn't be afflicted with such derogatory language behind her back."
"Sara obviously felt bad and tried to apologize and said that she didn't mean to be disrespectful in that way. That it was just her family singing the song, but my wife just stormed out and yelled how she couldn't believe we had taken in a girl from such a cruel family."
"I tried to talk to her in our room—right after I assured Sara that she didn't do anything wrong and to just pay no mind."
"My wife was apparently more upset at me for not supporting and agreeing with her and started to cry about how I knew what she had gone through concerning her father, but didn't back her up."
"The house has been extremely tense—especially when all of us are in the same room—but I really don't understand how a Swedish song could make her so upset. But I'm wondering if I should have taken my wife's side and been more sympathetic."
"AITA???"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I didn't support my wife when she got offended at a joke birthday song I knew could be personally traumatic for her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
Several people shared more information about the Swedish birthday song.
"NTA. Here's the joke."
"First verse: 'May she live for 100 years—of course she'll live for 100 years!'."
"Second verse: 'When she has lived for 100 years - then she will be pushed (the swedish word for push is the same as 'shoot') .... ON A WHEELBARROW!."
"Third verse: 'When she has been pushed (shot) on a wheelbarrow—then she will be hung... UPON A HORSE!'."
"Fourth verse: 'When she's been hung upon a horse—she will be drowned (same as the word for drenched)....IN A LAKE OF CHAMPAGNE'."
"It is incredibly harmless and only becomes morbid once the person reaches their eighties, when the first verse becomes, in effect if not in fact, 'May she live for another 20 years at least'." ~ Ok_Narwhal_9200
"We always sung donkey instead of horse and it was drowned/drenched in a big glass of champagne, but yeah, this is what the song is about. It's 100% celebratory. Usually you just sing the first verse, but as a kid I loved all the extra verses." ~ WickdWitchoftheBitch
"Yeah, I wonder if it's regional because I've never heard people say horse, or a lake of champagne instead of just bottle of champagne."
"We also used an additional verse about suffocating them with hugs, but I think that might be something my school made up because I haven't heard it in other places." ~ Raemle
"It sounds like that wedding toast, 'if you have to cheat, cheat death, if you have to lie, lie with me forever' kind of thing." ~ impossibleoptimist
"Exactly. It's a play on words. First it sounds horrible, then they finish the sentence making it funny and not violent or bad at all." ~ Freudinatress
"Hopefully OP sees this and can calm his wife down by explaining it was a translation misunderstanding. And also, OP's wife needs to apologize to Sara. NTA." ~ SuspiciousZombie788
"This woman has no business hosting an exchange student if she can't understand cultural differences and traditions. This song is the Swedish happy birthday song."
"It would be like a Swede getting upset at an American and their family (!) who sang the Star Spangled Banner because it glorifies bombs or something similarly ridiculous."
"The student needs support and family traditions on her birthday, not criticism. Holy cow." ~ t1dmommy
"Exactly like having a meltdown over a child innocently singing about 'the bombs bursting in air' because it's the American national anthem. The utter foolishness of this 47-year-old woman." ~ Alternative-Quiet854
"That was my thought. It's a cultural exchange, and Sara's going to remember her time as an exchange student as stressful, because she had a rude host mom who blamed her for her own culture. Your wife is so completely rude here. NTA." ~ almaperdida99
"Translations can be tricky and no doubt young Sara's English skills were not up to explaining it well. NTA. Your wife owes her an apology." ~ Maximum-Swan-1009
"And this translation even sounds harsher than it is. It's the BIRTHDAY SONG which is so so important."
"Everyone sings this song. This is literally how you sing 'happy birthday' in Swedish."
"We sang this in elementary school, yes all the verses. It's a celebratory song wishing someone to be celebrated."
"OP, NTA, your wife lost it over the Swedish birthday song! Its not literal, it's a song!" ~ flaggingpolly
"With this translation, the song is clearly a play on words and a joke. NTA."
"OP, your wife needs to unpack the trauma around her dad. It's no excuse for her to go off on an innocent exchange student's VERY HARMLESS birthday song because your wife refuses to take responsibility for herself and her emotions."
"Mega yikes, and embarrassing that your wife did that."
"If I were Sara, I'd report you all to the exchange program. Screaming and crying at the student who is thousands of miles away from home for literally no reason is borderline abusive."
"Your wife needs help for real. She drug an innocent girl halfway across the world to liven up her own life, and now she screams at her on her birthday‽‽"
"Unhinged behavior. Step one is your wife apologizing profusely for being an absolutely ridiculous fool and treating Sara like that."
"You did the right thing at first, but you also have a responsibility acting in loco parentis [Latin term meaning 'in place of a parent'] for that girl to set things right and protect her from your wife's unhinged outrage." ~ Curious-Pea9398
"And on her birthday, too. Her one birthday as an exchange student, which should have been special, and can be difficult when you are far away from your family, will forever be marked by OPs wife's crazy behavior. Sad. Poor Sara. NTA." ~ Elmy50
"NTA. I'm sorry, but your wife makes me so mad. I'm disgusted. She is an adult who took her unresolved issues out on a 16-year-old child who is alone in a foreign country."
"Poor Sara. Can you imagine how awful and scary this must be for her? What is the rest of her stay going to be like for her?"
"The song is not cruel. It's a play on words. It's a common song, like your 'happy birthday'."
"Your wife needs to reflect on herself and seriously apologize to that poor child. Don't take in another child again. Your wife is not fit to care for children." ~ Melin_Lavendel_Rosa
The OP provided an update:
"I have read all of the comments. I was even up late at night to read them all and I'm very thankful that so many people gave their input on my situation.
"I first talked to my wife this morning and showed her SOME of the comments after last night. At first, she was pissed I wrote out our personal information, but I explained that I didn't write anything that could trace back to us, and she calmed down."
"I first want to mention that, no, my wife is not jealous of Sara in that way, and I'm not attracted to Sara since some comments said that. And also my wife is not psychotic or narcissistic."
"I agree it was a horrible way to treat a guest, and we have already talked to our organization, and they are currently looking for a new host family for Sara."
"My wife is still upset but is starting to feel incredibly guilty and has apologized. But I understand that no amount of sorry will make Sara feel safe in our home again."
"Tensions are still high, but I showed Sara some of the comments and she finds it hilarious and comforting. I again assured Sara that she didn't do anything wrong and that dark children's songs are in every culture and don't harm anyone."
"And to answer some other questions, no, my wife doesn't usually do this, and she started to panic when I talked to her about what she actually said and how Sara probably feels being trapped in our house in a foreign country."
"I also showed her the true meaning of the song by one of the comments, which caused her to almost have a panic attack that I needed to guide her through."
"We will investigate this further since I know some of you had theories about how it could be menopause, so we will look into that."
"Again thank you for for the advice on how to face this, but I want to mention that a lot of people assumed a lot of horrible things about my wife and I wanted to clear that up."
It's unfortunate that the OP's children will be deprived of the chance to learn more about another culture and that Sara was traumatized on her birthday while so far from home.
Hopefully, the OP's wife will get the help she clearly needs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp