Being owed money by friends can be an awkward situation.
If a person isn’t paid back in the agreed upon timeframe, stress can begin to mount.
Does a person ask for their money back?
Does one just let it slide a bit longer?
There is no good answer, and oftentimes, relationships fall apart over it.
Redditor Illustrious_Stage351 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for feeling like I paid for my own birthday event?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A couple of months ago, we (a group of 5 girls) went on a 30th birthday trip for my best friend, Anna.”
“I didn’t know the other three ladies very well, but we had a fantastic time!”
“Only major hiccup was that the hotel we’d all pitched in on was awful.”
“I’m talking mold, a dangerous neighborhood, weird stains on the bed.”
“Anna was crying, everyone was upset, and I offered to book a nicer hotel so we didn’t have to call the trip off.”
“I okayed the price for everyone and even used a bunch of travel points to knock down the price.”
“Basically, everyone was going to owe me around $150.”
“It’s been two months, and everyone has refused to pay me back or talk about it.”
“Noting that I have a nice corporate job and they’re more broke and ‘just can’t right now.'”
“I decided it wasn’t worth pitching a fit over $600.”
“Fast forward, it was just my 30th birthday.”
“Out of nowhere, they offered to take me out to a nice dinner!”
“I’m recently divorced, so honestly, the offer felt fun and really lovely, and I said I’d love to.”
“We went somewhere fancy, which shocked me given what they’d implied about finances, but they picked the spot.”
“We had a great time, they ordered a lot of wine and fancy appetizers.”
“I had my dinner and one glass of wine for reference.”
“At the end, I offered that I could pitch in on the check because I’m sure it’s high.”
“They giddily said that they’ve got it because they decided a while ago to surprise me by basically using the money they owed me to take me out instead.”
“I didn’t really know what to say, and probably said the wrong thing.”
“I basically said, ‘Oh… so I paid for everyone for my birthday dinner?’”
“They got frustrated saying no, it was their money, but yes, technically it was the money they owed me, and what an ungrateful thing to bring up.”
“We’re now not talking.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I being silly for being upset that they used money they owed me like this?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Not only did you pay for your own dinner, but you apparently treated them to their meals too.”
“Your friends are way out of line.” ~ Grumpy_Lurker
“NTA. ‘So you acknowledge you do in fact owe me money for the trip and have room in your budget, but refuse to pay me back?'”
“The debt and the dinner are 2 separate pools of money.” ~ GregTheTerrible
“NTA. They refused to even talk about it?”
“These ladies are supposed to be 30, give or take? My Lord.”
“And not pitch a fit over $600?”
“Girl, times are tough!”
“Everything is expensive AF right now.”
“$600 isn’t like $50 that might ‘come out in the wash’ over years of friendship.”
“F**k your friends!” ~ s_double_c
“NTA, they can’t ‘pay you back’ the money by choosing to use it to treat themselves (plus you) to dinner.”
“To pay you back, they would need to hand the money over to you, and then they would have no say over how it was spent.”
“The only way their plan would work is if they paid you back and you independently decided to use the money to pay for everyone’s dinner.” ~ kurokomainu
“NTA, they owed you $150 each.”
“That was agreed upon, and they owed you.”
“They don’t get to decide how to pay you back, and they certainly don’t get to do that by paying for their own meals with it.”
“Time for different friends.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
“NTA. They are using the logic of a 13-year-old, not a 30 -year-old.”
“’Mom, can I have $50 to buy you a birthday present?’” ~ Common-Parsnip-9682
“NTA. But drop these people, they aren’t your friends.”
“They’re users.”
“They will do this again and not bat an eye because they have all decided you make more money than they do.”
“Maybe you do, but that’s a them problem, not yours.”
“I grew up in poverty, and I wouldn’t dream of treating a friend like that just because they had more money than I did.” ~ Novel_Fox
“With friends like that, you don’t need any enemies! NTA.” ~ Silent_Morning692
“NTA, they didn’t do a nice thing for you; they did a nice thing for themselves.”
“They used your money to buy themselves a fancy meal and apps and planned to spin it so they didn’t have to feel bad about stealing $600 from you.”
“I seriously doubt your food was $600… so no, they didn’t treat you, they treated themselves again.” ~ radnan360
“NTA. That’s exactly what they did.”
“I don’t blame you for calling it out on the spot.”
“Obviously, a more peaceful/peacekeeping thing to do would have been to let it go and just write these ‘friends’ off, but outside of avoiding some potential discomfort that doesn’t make a huge difference here, and calling this out does not make you an AH.”
‘You aren’t ungrateful; you expect to be paid the money they owe you, and them deciding, without your knowledge, to pretend like paying you back is a GIFT, is super bogus.”
“You have all the info you need about these people.” ~ owls_and_cardinals
“NTA…You paid for your own birthday party.”
“Hopefully you had a good time.”
“It might be time to find different friends.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“Nope, not right.”
“They decided what to do with YOUR money.”
“It was disrespectful.”
“How can a group of people not figure out to pay you back and take you out for an affordable dinner as a thank you?”
“People have no manners or common sense.”
“YES, YOU PAID FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.” ~ FrontTelevision7261
“NTA. Do you still want them as friends?”
“I suspect you value them more than they value you.”
“But if you still want them as friends, try talking to each one INDIVIDUALLY and SOBER and see what happens.”
“Gauge your value to them as friends from how they respond.”
“I wish you a happy belated birthday.”
“No charge.” ~ ArdvarkMaster
“NTA – you’re right, these are supposed to be two different things, though the money from the trip and your birthday, at the end of the day youre still out.”
“These friends arent friends!”
“They are users.” ~ Big-Range9664
“NTA. So they essentially paid maybe $50-100 for your dinner(depending on how much the restaurant cost) of the $600 they actually owed you.”
“How generous of them /s. I wouldn’t go out with them again until the remainder is paid back, and count yourself lucky they didn’t give you this bill, too.” ~ Universal_mammal
“NTA. They’re not your friends.”
“Your finances aren’t their business, and assuming you’re ok to cover an extra $600 because they have worse jobs is insane behavior.” ~ PeachyLeeks
“OP, I need you to be petty.”
“Total, how much was your dinner divided between them, and then send a receipt of how much they still owe you, as THEY THEMSELVES told you they were treating YOU for your birthday, so they cannot use that money to pay for their dinner,s even using that f**k up logic.” ~ IvySubZero
“Funny how we think of things to say after the fact, like: I sure as H didn’t eat $600.00 worth of food.”
“Where’s the rest?”
“Or: I appreciate the gesture, but I wouldn’t have treated myself to a fancy dinner out with the $600.00, but divide my meal by 4 (or however many there are) and that still leaves each of you owing me x.”
“Instead of picking out what you want to buy me, how about letting me buy it when you pay me back?”
“BTW, when will that be?”
“I understand if you don’t have the whole amount, $50.00 a month would be fine.”
“They don’t respect you; they took advantage of your generosity and are not friends worth keeping.”
“NTA but maybe a sucker for expecting them to keep their word.” ~ cordelia1955
“NTA. They had the money, so they should have paid you back.”
“If you want to turn around and spend that on a birthday dinner, great, but that should have been your choice, not theirs.” ~ ConflictGullible392
“NTA. They still owe you for the hotel.”
“They can’t unilaterally decide the debt’s forgiven.”
“They could’ve just paid you what they owed instead of treating themselves all to a fancy dinner.” ~ Royal_Eye6517
“NTA. If you want to maintain the friendships, you had already written the money off, and had a nice dinner for your birthday.”
“But that was a crappy thing they did, and you did pay for your own birthday dinner for everyone, and reason enough to question if you want to maintain these connections or at the minimum stop being the one to book hotels or pay for dinners with the intention of being paid back.”
“One of them can book, and you can pay that person back, maybe if you feel like it.” ~ Creative-Painter3911
OP came back to chat…
“I guess I decided to let it slide because Anna is a friend I’ve had since I was like 4.”
“We’re best friends.”
“But I don’t know everyone else very well at all.”
“Maybe a handful of times I’d met them.”
“And $600 didn’t feel worth it to ruin a 26-year friendship.”
“It’s definitely not nothing, but badgering everyone was honestly just not worth all that.”
“Different perspective now, but at the time that was my logic.”
Reddit has your back, OP.
If you’d made peace with the situation, that’s great.
You have every right to be angry, though.
They took advantage of you.
Be careful with them going forward.