Being owed money by friends can be an awkward situation.
If a person isn't paid back in the agreed upon timeframe, stress can begin to mount.
Does a person ask for their money back?
Does one just let it slide a bit longer?
There is no good answer, and oftentimes, relationships fall apart over it.
Redditor Illustrious_Stage351 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for feeling like I paid for my own birthday event?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A couple of months ago, we (a group of 5 girls) went on a 30th birthday trip for my best friend, Anna."
"I didn't know the other three ladies very well, but we had a fantastic time!"
"Only major hiccup was that the hotel we'd all pitched in on was awful."
"I'm talking mold, a dangerous neighborhood, weird stains on the bed."
"Anna was crying, everyone was upset, and I offered to book a nicer hotel so we didn't have to call the trip off."
"I okayed the price for everyone and even used a bunch of travel points to knock down the price."
"Basically, everyone was going to owe me around $150."
"It's been two months, and everyone has refused to pay me back or talk about it."
"Noting that I have a nice corporate job and they're more broke and 'just can't right now.'"
"I decided it wasn't worth pitching a fit over $600."
"Fast forward, it was just my 30th birthday."
"Out of nowhere, they offered to take me out to a nice dinner!"
"I'm recently divorced, so honestly, the offer felt fun and really lovely, and I said I'd love to."
"We went somewhere fancy, which shocked me given what they'd implied about finances, but they picked the spot."
"We had a great time, they ordered a lot of wine and fancy appetizers."
"I had my dinner and one glass of wine for reference."
"At the end, I offered that I could pitch in on the check because I'm sure it's high."
"They giddily said that they've got it because they decided a while ago to surprise me by basically using the money they owed me to take me out instead."
"I didn't really know what to say, and probably said the wrong thing."
"I basically said, 'Oh… so I paid for everyone for my birthday dinner?'"
"They got frustrated saying no, it was their money, but yes, technically it was the money they owed me, and what an ungrateful thing to bring up."
"We're now not talking."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I being silly for being upset that they used money they owed me like this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Not only did you pay for your own dinner, but you apparently treated them to their meals too."
"Your friends are way out of line." ~ Grumpy_Lurker
"NTA. 'So you acknowledge you do in fact owe me money for the trip and have room in your budget, but refuse to pay me back?'"
"The debt and the dinner are 2 separate pools of money." ~ GregTheTerrible
"NTA. They refused to even talk about it?"
"These ladies are supposed to be 30, give or take? My Lord."
"And not pitch a fit over $600?"
"Girl, times are tough!"
"Everything is expensive AF right now."
"$600 isn't like $50 that might 'come out in the wash' over years of friendship."
"F**k your friends!" ~ s_double_c
"NTA, they can't 'pay you back' the money by choosing to use it to treat themselves (plus you) to dinner."
"To pay you back, they would need to hand the money over to you, and then they would have no say over how it was spent."
"The only way their plan would work is if they paid you back and you independently decided to use the money to pay for everyone's dinner." ~ kurokomainu
"NTA, they owed you $150 each."
"That was agreed upon, and they owed you."
"They don't get to decide how to pay you back, and they certainly don't get to do that by paying for their own meals with it."
"Time for different friends." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. They are using the logic of a 13-year-old, not a 30 -year-old."
"'Mom, can I have $50 to buy you a birthday present?'" ~ Common-Parsnip-9682
"NTA. But drop these people, they aren't your friends."
"They're users."
"They will do this again and not bat an eye because they have all decided you make more money than they do."
"Maybe you do, but that's a them problem, not yours."
"I grew up in poverty, and I wouldn't dream of treating a friend like that just because they had more money than I did." ~ Novel_Fox
"With friends like that, you don't need any enemies! NTA." ~ Silent_Morning692
"NTA, they didn't do a nice thing for you; they did a nice thing for themselves."
"They used your money to buy themselves a fancy meal and apps and planned to spin it so they didn't have to feel bad about stealing $600 from you."
"I seriously doubt your food was $600... so no, they didn't treat you, they treated themselves again." ~ radnan360
"NTA. That's exactly what they did."
"I don't blame you for calling it out on the spot."
"Obviously, a more peaceful/peacekeeping thing to do would have been to let it go and just write these 'friends' off, but outside of avoiding some potential discomfort that doesn't make a huge difference here, and calling this out does not make you an AH."
'You aren't ungrateful; you expect to be paid the money they owe you, and them deciding, without your knowledge, to pretend like paying you back is a GIFT, is super bogus."
"You have all the info you need about these people." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"NTA...You paid for your own birthday party."
"Hopefully you had a good time."
"It might be time to find different friends." ~ RoyallyOakie
"Nope, not right."
"They decided what to do with YOUR money."
"It was disrespectful."
"How can a group of people not figure out to pay you back and take you out for an affordable dinner as a thank you?"
"People have no manners or common sense."
"YES, YOU PAID FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY." ~ FrontTelevision7261
"NTA. Do you still want them as friends?"
"I suspect you value them more than they value you."
"But if you still want them as friends, try talking to each one INDIVIDUALLY and SOBER and see what happens."
"Gauge your value to them as friends from how they respond."
"I wish you a happy belated birthday."
"No charge." ~ ArdvarkMaster
"NTA - you're right, these are supposed to be two different things, though the money from the trip and your birthday, at the end of the day youre still out."
"These friends arent friends!"
"They are users." ~ Big-Range9664
"NTA. So they essentially paid maybe $50-100 for your dinner(depending on how much the restaurant cost) of the $600 they actually owed you."
"How generous of them /s. I wouldn't go out with them again until the remainder is paid back, and count yourself lucky they didn't give you this bill, too." ~ Universal_mammal
"NTA. They're not your friends."
"Your finances aren't their business, and assuming you're ok to cover an extra $600 because they have worse jobs is insane behavior." ~ PeachyLeeks
"OP, I need you to be petty."
"Total, how much was your dinner divided between them, and then send a receipt of how much they still owe you, as THEY THEMSELVES told you they were treating YOU for your birthday, so they cannot use that money to pay for their dinner,s even using that f**k up logic." ~ IvySubZero
"Funny how we think of things to say after the fact, like: I sure as H didn't eat $600.00 worth of food."
"Where's the rest?"
"Or: I appreciate the gesture, but I wouldn't have treated myself to a fancy dinner out with the $600.00, but divide my meal by 4 (or however many there are) and that still leaves each of you owing me x."
"Instead of picking out what you want to buy me, how about letting me buy it when you pay me back?"
"BTW, when will that be?"
"I understand if you don't have the whole amount, $50.00 a month would be fine."
"They don't respect you; they took advantage of your generosity and are not friends worth keeping."
"NTA but maybe a sucker for expecting them to keep their word." ~ cordelia1955
"NTA. They had the money, so they should have paid you back."
"If you want to turn around and spend that on a birthday dinner, great, but that should have been your choice, not theirs." ~ ConflictGullible392
"NTA. They still owe you for the hotel."
"They can't unilaterally decide the debt's forgiven."
"They could've just paid you what they owed instead of treating themselves all to a fancy dinner." ~ Royal_Eye6517
"NTA. If you want to maintain the friendships, you had already written the money off, and had a nice dinner for your birthday."
"But that was a crappy thing they did, and you did pay for your own birthday dinner for everyone, and reason enough to question if you want to maintain these connections or at the minimum stop being the one to book hotels or pay for dinners with the intention of being paid back."
"One of them can book, and you can pay that person back, maybe if you feel like it." ~ Creative-Painter3911
OP came back to chat...
"I guess I decided to let it slide because Anna is a friend I've had since I was like 4."
"We're best friends."
"But I don't know everyone else very well at all."
"Maybe a handful of times I'd met them."
"And $600 didn't feel worth it to ruin a 26-year friendship."
"It's definitely not nothing, but badgering everyone was honestly just not worth all that."
"Different perspective now, but at the time that was my logic."
Reddit has your back, OP.
If you'd made peace with the situation, that's great.
You have every right to be angry, though.
They took advantage of you.
Be careful with them going forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp