Even though we look forward to eventually fleeing the coop and living our own lives, we still want to help our family as much as we can.
Things become more complicated, however, when our family expects, or worse, demands our help.
Forcing us to prioritize their lives over our own, often resulting in excessive guilt tripping and finger pointing, that ends up benefitting no one.
The sister of Reddtior Previous_Net_1649 was born with severe disabilities, requiring a lot of help from the original poster (OP) and her family.
One particular responsibility fell on the OP.
Getting ready to move out and begin a life of her own, the OP told her father that her primary responsibility would. soon. have to become his.
Unfortunately, the OP’s father refused this responsibility, putting the OP in a tricky situation.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH For telling my dad he should bathe his own daughter?”
The OP explained how she and her father found themselves at a stalemate regarding her sister’s care:
“So I (19 F[emale]) have two sisters but only one is important to this.”
“So my sister, let’s call her A (18 F, but cognitively 9), has been severely disabled since birth.”
“She was born with a super duper rare defect in her brain and one of the many consequences of that is pour motor skills which make it impossible for her to bathe herself, among other things.”
“She is missing part of her brain, and other parts are damaged.”
‘She has impaired vision, speech, and movement as well as extremely low muscle tone.”
“My dad (51 M[ale]) has consistently refused to bathe her since she hit around 13 because he says it’s illegal (she had medical intervention to start puberty about a year ago cause she doesn’t produce the hormones so it wasn’t a puberty thing) and has told me that, as her older sister, it’s my job.”
“Now, A doesn’t care about this because I’m the only person who’s ever actually helps her with anything, but I don’t think it should be my job and only my job seeing as I plan to move out as soon as I can find a stable income, hopefully in the next six months for my own health reasons.”
“As soon as I realized her reliance on me, I started trying to reverse it, but that’s difficult when you’re expected to do all the caretaking.”
“Ever since he started brushing this job off onto me, I’ve told him he shouldn’t sexualized bathing his disabled daughter, but he just turns it around onto me and tells me he can’t because ‘she has boobs’ and ‘the courts disagree with you’.”
“I don’t want this to be another thing that A will be left to figure out all on her own.”
“I should add, my mom IS in the picture, but she goes out with friends some nights and she likes visiting her family (the’yre many provinces away.”
“Am I wrong for not wanting to bathe her?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly believed that the OP was not the a**hole for calling out her father.
Everyone agreed that the OP was put in an extremely unfair position by both of her parents, who both seemed to show a shocking lack of compassion towards their daughter who needed their help:
“You were already NTA but the fact that you say your mom is also in the picture but ‘has her own life’ is double NTA.”
“I def think the word ‘parentification’ gets thrown around too much but this is a clear example.”
‘Please save every bit of money you can and move out (preferably far away) from your negligent and irresponsible parents.”
‘Neither of them should have any life that doesn’t involve ensuring adequate care for ALL their children is met first.”- hereforthescones
“You’re NTA.”
“If he is uncomfortable with it, he needs to find another solution.”
“Like finding a way to pay for some professional assistance, rather than shoving it all onto you.”
“It’s my responsibility as the eldest to help with the younger kids.”
“For the rest of your life?”
“You have to move out and move on at some point.”
“He has to get it into gear.”- Dittoheadforever
“If he can’t bathe her, he needs to get a carer to do it.”
“NTA.”- Bluebell2519
“NTA.”
“But it’s bizarre that you didn’t mention your mom AT ALL in the original post.”
“Also, it should never ever have been your responsibility to be a caretaker for your sister.”
“Your family sounds toxic AF.”- lunazane26
“NTA, and your Dad is full of sh*t.”
“There is nothing illegal about bathing a disabled child, regardless of their age (or stage of puberty).”
“Your Dad is simply pushing his responsibility onto you.”
“Stick to your guns about moving out when you can.”
“A will be left to figure out all on her own.”
“Is she even capable of doing that?”
“If so, your Dad is doing your sister a disservice not to teach her how to bathe.”- WelfordNelferd
“Both your parents seem to be neglecting your sister and pushing the burden of care onto you.”
“NTA.”
“She is ultimately their responsibility.”- Moose-Live
“NTA.”
“Your dad should find a nurse or help if he refuses to bathe her, and it is super weird he sexualize her this way, there is something off about it.”- Riyokosan
“NTA.”
“Tell your dad to sort it out with mom.”
“She can visit her friends outside of bath time.”
“They have a disabled daughter who is NOT your child n responsibility.”
“The answer is NO you will not bathe or be an unpaid caretaker.”
“If your mom has money to go out n dilly dally, then they have money to hire someone who is a carer to specifically come in n shower your sister.”- untakentakenusername
“NTA.”
“It isn’t your job to care for your sister this way.”
“What does your dad think is going to happen when he’s gone?”
“Are you expected to take her in?”
“Quit your job if her needs demand it?”
“It’s time for your dad to explore in-home support like a nurse to help.”
“He also needs to set up a trust for her care when he dies.”- BethJ2018
“NTA.”
“My maternal grandpa had no sons, so it was his daughters who changed his diapers in the final stage of his life.”
“Ask your father who’s going to change his diapers when the time comes.”- GreatMarta
“NTA.”
“Its not your job to look after your sisters, its your parents responsibility.”
“Appreciate your mom may want to go out but she has a daughter she needs to care for so needs to reign it in, not saying shouldn’t go out, more the frequency.”
“Your dad tho, should grow a pair.”
“He needs to step up for his daughter and bathe her, there’s nothing illegal in it, bet if the time comes and needs his family to help bathe him he wouldn’t say its illegal for you to help.”- mooroonic
“NTA.”
“Your dad’s her parent, this is his job not yours.”
“Bathing a disabled teen isn’t ‘illegal’, that’s just him dodging.”
“You’ve done a lot for your sister already but you’re still a teen too you can’t be her caregiver forever.”
“Your parents need to step up or get real help in place.”- CustardGlad9454
The OP later returned with an update, clarifying her mother’s involvement in this situation, as well as a bit more information on her family’s long term plans.
“I worded the thing about my mother absolutely atrociously.”
“To clarify, my mother does the bathing when she is home, however she is home about 80% of the time, and A still needs baths in that extra 20%.”
“Example: my mother is the only person who can take care of my 9 and 4 yo cousins while their mother is on a work trip, and so I was in charge of bathing this morning.”
“She doesn’t go out Willy nilly, she goes to her sports things two or three times a week, and goes out for dinner with her friends a few times per month.”
“She does suck, but not cause of this.”
“She sucks for other, unrelated reasons.”
“…for the ppl saying to get an at home nurse: That’s the future plan, but my parents have an ‘our family is so perfect and nothing is wrong and we’re so loving and the ideal suburban family’ persona that would most definitely make that impossible.”
“The end game plan is for A is a group home with 24/7 nursing staff, but they’d never let in a home health nurse.”
One can at least sympathize with the OP’s father in that bathing an adult daughter is an unexpected responsibility.
Nonetheless, she is his daughter that needs his help, and he would not be the first one ever put in this situation.
Nor should he and his wife force the OP to become a third parent, when they are both more than capable of handling this themselves.