Even though it's generally regarded as part of life, a college education is a luxury to the majority of people.
Indeed, many people are unable to go to college simply because they don't have the financial means to do so.
Those lucky have parents who can and are willing to cover their tuition.
Something that many young students might take for granted.
Redditor RangerRemarkable3 had put aside money to pay for his daughter's college education.
However, the original poster (OP) was disheartened to learn that his daughter wasn't being completely honest about her studies.
Making him consider if she was even worthy of receiving the money he put aside for her tuition.
Wondering if he was too extreme, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not paying for my daughter's college housing and campus fees next year because she misled me about her summer classes?"
The OP explained why he felt it might be necessary to revoke his daughter's college housing fees:
My (55 M[ale]) daughter (19 F[emale) is taking three online summer classes this summer."
"Back in April, she told me that all her classes would be in-person, so I paid for her summer housing and meal plan so she could live on campus."
"I didn't think much of it at the time because I trusted her."
"Two of them are general education classes (English and physics), and one is a major-specific class, so I figured that she would want to get her generation requirements out of the way and I'm sure the major-specific class is important for her major."
"However, I just found out that her classes are actually all online."
"There is a 3rd-party website that has information about classes each semester at her college, and I was just scrolling through it out of curiosity and happened to see her classes are all online, with no in-person component."
"I was very shocked about how I was misled for the last 2 or 3 months."
"I know that she really likes campus life, but things do tend to tone down over the summer, and she probably is aware of the campus housing fees and whatnot."
"This means I spent a good amount of money for housing and meal plans that she didn't actually need."
"I'm paying for her education out of her college savings, which we've been saving for many years, and I want to teach her the value of money and the importance of honesty."
"I was on the phone with her, and I told her I decided that I'm not paying for her housing or any of her campus fees next year."
"I emphasized that she needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions."
"However, she is really upset and says that I'm being too harsh."
"She says that in April the classes were listed as in-person but they moved it to virtual at the very last minute, after the deadline for housing withdrawal and refund stuff."
"I don't know if this is actually true since I never bothered to check the class listings at that time and I didn't see a reason she would lie about it."
"I told her I'm very skeptical that they would move all classes to online at the very last minute because it would certainly disrupt some people's plans (especially those who lease off-campus)."
"My wife said that what I told her was way too harsh, and that unexpected things do happen."
"So AITA for not paying for my daughter's college housing and campus fees next year because she misled me about her summer classes?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who all agreed that he was very much the a**hole for revoking his daughter's housing fees.
Everyone agreed that the OP was way out of line. Most found that the dishonesty of the OP's daughter was not at all worthy of such an extreme punishment. Many pointed out that if he had the money saved for her education, there really wasn't much of an issue here.
"YTA."
"It's definitely possible the college moved all the classes online at the last minute."
"As a professor, I've been hired to teach classes literally a week before the semester started."
"Things in academia are way more chaotic than we'd like them to be."
"I've also had this happen to fellow professors where classes were canceled or moved online last minute."
"Yeah she should have told you when they moved online but it seems like you never made it clear her living on campus was only an option if classes were in person."
"Choosing to not pay for an entire year of housing as a response, putting her in debt most likely, is a huge overreaction."- 40feralhogs
"Your 'punishment' would make her future harder (assuming she'd have to take on loans to continue schooling)."
"Why would you want to do that to your daughter?"
"Putting aside whether or not she lied, choosing to make her future more difficult is not loving."
"Especially when it isn't a matter of whether she cost you money from your pocket, it's her college fund!"
"Your actions make it seem like you don't truly care for your daughter."
"No matter your intentions, that is what your 'punishment' suggests."
"YTA."- itwillhavegeese
"YTA."
"This is money already saved and earmarked for college."
"It did not stretch your annual budget."
"She didn't lie and use the money to go on vacations or shopping sprees."
"She used the money for its intended purpose - college."
"You are just offended that she stayed on campus instead of coming home for the summer."
"And, yes, it is entirely plausible that the classes were switched to online post-enrollment."
"Especially if they didn't get the enrollment needed to hold them in person."
"But taking away her housing for the fall semester - which you know she needs - is just a cruel power move on your part."
"No wonder she picked summer school over coming home if this is the way you 'parent'."-PurpleStar1965
"College Advisor here, and I'm actually going YTA for a couple reasons:"
"The money you're using is from her college savings account, so the money is in fact being used for its intended purpose."
"You're not spending extra here, anything she gets done over the summer is less that she needs to do in a future semester."
"The only way this money is 'wasted' is if she fails her courses, and you don't give any indication that she will, nor that she's failed anything previously."
"It's ABSOLUTELY FEASIBLE that her college could have changed the class mode (aka method of how it's offered)."
"Here are the most common reasons why:"
"Faculty suddenly quit or take sabbatical."
"Now the Dept Chair has to find someone else to cover it, and that new faculty might insist on online instruction to accommodate whatever else they already have going on."
"The assigned faculty just change their mind."
"At the time of signing, most teaching contracts only state the number of credit hours (CTE) an instructor will be working in a given semester; rarely does it explicitly say whether you're teaching in-person, online, or sometimes even what class you're teaching because the Chair has to figure out coverage as they go."
"Student demand."
"Very broadly speaking, in a post-COVID world we've seen that online courses are actually the most popular/in-demand."
"For example a university could have both in-person and online sections of a PSYC 100 course, and the online one will typically fill up first (and fast)."
"If her college was seeing that enrollment was lagging when offered in-person, they may have flipped it to online to ignite more interest/enrollment."
"Believe it or not, being faculty in a college/university can actually have some similarity to a food/retail position: if you are out and/or your circumstances change, then your fellow coworkers have to figure out how to make it up (assuming the Chair doesn't/can't cancel the course)."
"You mention 'consequences to your actions', and sir let me tell you that this is the nuclear option here."
"A rational consequence might be to say, 'Well we paid for this thing you don't need, and since you're living under my roof I'm giving you a curfew of X o'clock because I know how much you cherish your socializing'."
"What YOU'RE doing is forcing her education to come to a screeching halt because education is freaking expensive and her only option at this point will be to take on predatory loans that will burden her for a good portion of her natural life."
"Like, you see the disconnect here, yes?"
"One semester of financial inconvenience does not equal a punishment of thirty years inescapable financial debt."
"Sorry, the more I type the more heated I get by what you're doing to your daughter here."
"And speaking frankly, it's because of over-controlling morons like you that I see so many students in my line of work never finish school and achieve their full potential."
"Whenever I hear about a student who's financially dependent on a parent and therefore beholden to the parents' every irrational whim, I want to claw my eyes out."
"A choice was made that dips into the college savings just a little bit more."
'Intentional or not, we may never know nor does it really matter."
"Unless you want to tell us otherwise, it sounds like you have a child who's achieving and getting her stuff done."
"Get over yourself."- wickedwiccan90
"Except there is more to a college class than just watching a screen."
"There are study groups, meetings with professors, trips to libraries or research facilities, and the quiet of her own space for studying."
"YTA, because you somehow think she shouldn't be at college for college classes."-MerelyWhelmed1
It's understandable for any parent to want to know where exactly their money is going.
However, rescinding his daughter's housing fees for online classes seems extreme and ludicrous.
For as she was, in fact, still taking courses, the money was still going towards her education, making it questionable if she even lied in the first place.
On top of that, as many above have pointed out, anyone who was in school in March of 2020 knows all too well that classes can indeed go virtual at the very last minute.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp