Grieving the loss of a significant other is undoubtedly a difficult and emotional journey.
Once the pain subsides - if it ever does - some choose to move on and find happiness with another person, and some choose to forego a new relationship and instead find happiness in memories.
Ultimately, though, the choice is up to the person who lost their partner.
But others do meddle.
A bride-to-be on Reddit wants her fiancé to cut ties with his late wife's family after his former sisters-in-law threatened her and vandalized her car, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor cutofffamilytaway asked:
"AITAH for forcing my fiancé into cutting off his late wife's family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I, 25/f[emale], am getting married to my fiancé, 29/m[ale], in May."
"When we first got together, he told me that he was married from 20-22 years old to his high school sweetheart (we met when he was 25), but she passed of sepsis from a botched surgery."
"He didn't cope well and stayed in contact with her family, namely father and two sisters, 19 and 24."
"It was a soft spot for me for a while at the beginning because they had so much history that we would not have, and it was tough knowing that she was all around him."
"I never told him and decided to work through it on my own, especially with the fact that he would often spend time with her family during our relationship."
"Her birthday, their anniversary, and anniversary of her death, he'd spend the day with her family."
"It was uncomfortable at first knowing the man I loved was reminiscing about the love he had with someone else, but I kept trying to see it from his perspective, In the last couple of years, I have been completely secure in our relationship, and it doesn't bother me much anymore."
"Well, he proposed this time last year, and I was over the moon."
"I love this man with all my heart but recently learned that he never told them we got engaged."
"I've been trying local coffee shops the past few months rather than my usual run and tried a new one."
"His L[ate]W[ife]'s sister worked there and other than being awkward, she did a double take of my engagement ring and looked really unhappy."
"I didn't mention it and left."
"My fiancé told me that she kept messaging him on social media about it, and I wasn't happy that he kept it a secret."
"He apologised and was very depleted by it all."
"He said that he didn't want to hide me but he didn't want to hurt them either and that both of us were a huge part of his life."
"I understand that and let him off the hook slightly, just told him to be upfront with them from now on."
"That was that."
"At least I thought so."
"A week ago, on Sunday, I got a message from the 24-year-old asking if I was happy with myself, that I would never replace his LW, and that if she was still alive, he'd chose her over me every time."
"She even said that he only kept me around for me money..."
"I ignored it but I can't say that it didn't effect me."
"When you're in my position, all these points are ones you have to work through and it's not easy to get over those insecurities."
"It feels like a knock in the teeth when they're used against you."
"I mentioned it to him and he comforted me and reassured me."
"He said he'd set boundaries with her and I'd never have to hear from her again."
"Fine by me."
"That was until i found my car with 'wh*re' and 'grave robber' smeared in red paint."
"I had saved for this car for a year, and it was expensive, very expensive."
"The tires were slashed, and the windows cracked."
"I asked the store a few doors down for their CCTV camera footage of that night, but it was blurry and didn't catch much."
"It did manage to catch half a license plate, though, and the color and make of a car."
"It was his LWs youngest sister's car."
"I told him I was filing a police report, and he asked me to hold off until he talked to them first."
"I told him no, but I would if they paid for the damages and apologized to my face."
"He set up the meeting for last night, and it didn't go well, to say the least."
"Everyone was shouting."
"The sisters told me they, yes both of them, had nothing to be sorry for and that I should leave their family alone, including my fiancé in their family."
"He told them that it wasn't fair to him to be lonely forever and that he'd hoped they'd be supportive of him finding love again."
"They told him he was betraying LW and that he never loved her if he'd marry someone else."
"They didn't have a problem with him having a new gf because he'd 'realise she was the only one for him' and get tired of me."
"Now that hadn't happened, they were putting their foot down."
"The youngest told him to tell me that they were right and that he'd never love anyone like LW."
"My fiancé broke down at the table."
"I picked him up and made us leave."
"I told them I'd be filing a report and suing for damages, and the next time they saw us would be in court."
"When we got back and calmed down, I gave him an ultimatum."
"Either he cuts contact, or we call off the wedding and go our separate ways."
"I wasn't going to live my life with this harassment and someday subject my children to their bullying."
"He said they would never bully a child, but I shot him down and said he didn't expect any of this either."
"He called their father, who was fairly chill about it all but still defending his daughters."
"They say I shouldn't control him and that I'm horrible for cutting them off."
"I don't know what to do."
"I can't live like this, and I don't think I should have to just because we're getting married."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation, and most agreed OP was "not the a**hole" (NTA).
"NTA. I understand why he keeps in touch with them and views them as family, but if my family treated a partner this way I'd go no contact until they could treat us both with respect."
"He may be dealing with some guilt about moving on but if you can work through your hang-ups regarding this, so can he." - ReflectionSweet7222
"NTA"
"What they did is completely unacceptable, and I'm glad you're standing your ground and filing the police report."
"Look into a restraining order as well since you must still have all the proof of the messages and such."
"As for your fiancé, I understand why he kept in touch with them, but he messed up big time by not telling them he's moved on and loves someone else."
"He's hid you from them, which is stupid as what did he expect?"
"He needs to grow a backbone and put them in their place." - Caspian4136
'"…that I would never replace his LW and that if she were still alive he'd choose her every time.'"
"Well she's not so they can f**k off."
"Press charges! Sue! And try to get a restraining order."
"If he doesn't stick to no contact, move on."
"Definitely NTA" - NUredditNU
"NTA, This isn't a healthy relationship for any of them."
"They don't respect him as his own person, just as some sort of talisman for the life their sister could have had." - 1568314
A few even suggested OP get out of the relationship.
"NTA."
"File the police report, give back the ring."
"If they're willing to be so unapologetically mean to your face, then suing for damages and getting them in trouble with the police will only be the first step."
"The drama between them and your part time partner will never stop and as long as you're in a relationship with him, you'll be dragged in too."
"And I say "part time partner" because he's just as busy defending them as he is defending you."
"Even when faced with absolutely horrendous behavior towards you, he still tried to defend a relationship with them."
"To me, that says he's either still putting them first, or he's so conflict-avoidant that you will never truly be first for him."
"You'll be asked time and time again to "be nice" or "keep the peace" while having to endure abuse after abuse after abuse."
"So, file the police report and give back the ring." - virtualchoirboy
"Nta.... but this isn't going to end well."
"If he's not willing to cut them out after their behavior, you should walk away."
"Good luck" - FunStorm6487
Many feel that OP's ultimatum was very reasonable.
"NTA - That is a very reasonable request given what has happened to this point."
"You need to file that police report ASAP."
"It has been 7 years since her death and he needs to move on and cut ties."
"If he cannot cut ties, he is not ready for another relationship; he is till living out the fantasy of the last one through her family." - Fit_Reason7319
A couple even suggested one of the sisters may have a thing for OP's fiancé.
"Wouldn't be surprised in the 24 yr old is hoping for a romance with [him]... that way they can still keep it in the family." - SpiritualDay778
As it turns out, they would be correct.
In a series of updates filling in followers of this story, OP shared she stuck to her guns... and her fiancé agreed that cutting the family off would be for the best.
Of course, it wasn't as simple as that.
OP said her fiancé first apologized for not being more assertive with his former in-laws. He also told OP he didn't tell them he was engaged because he thought it would make them sad... not vindictive.
Also, as it turns out, the 24-year-old sister did try to make a move on her former brother-in-law less than a year after her sister's death... and apparently all these years later, she still felt the same way, as discovered by ignored Facebook messages.
Ultimately, the couple decided it would be best to move.
But first, OP wanted to file a police report.
After taking her car to a mechanic, OP learned of the following damage to her car:
"Shattered windshield"
"4 slashed tires"
"Two broken windows"
"Paint (obvious, I think)"
"Unknown substance in the engine oil"
"Battered bodywork"
That added up to a whopping $60k, and after considering market value, the insurance company re-evaluated the damage at $75k.
OP's fiancé met with his former in-laws one last time, but it did not end well.
In fact, it ended with his former SIL's making more threats.
So, OP filed police reports, warrants were served the day before the couple's moving day, and the sisters were in custody the day they finished packing up and left town.
OP is now a happy wife with a happy life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp