Couples combining finances… that is a rough topic.
It’s inevitable that everyone will not walk away happy.
Even when you think money isn’t an issue… it becomes an issue.
Case in point…
Redditor GiGiGi3 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for saying that my daughter inherits my house ‘no matter what?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a single mom in my 50s with one daughter.”
“I got very lucky in that I bought a home in the Bay Area nearly 30 years ago for around $230K before the tech boom and now the house is worth about $1M.”
“I have a 23 year old daughter Camila who grew up in that house and she moved out last year to go live with her boyfriend.”
“I’ve never explicitly told my daughter ‘the house will be yours’ nor has she asked anything about it, but just sort of common sense – that’s my daughter.”
“Who else would I give it to?”
“One important note – There are 2 homes in the neighborhood that are owned by lower middle class people (me and a neighbor who’s been here as long as I have).”
“Otherwise, our neighbors are engineers and software developers.”
“The Bay Area is simply un-affordable if you’re not in tech.”
“My daughter is a hair stylist.”
“My fiancée Steven and I have been together for 2 years.”
“He has 2 young children (elementary school) he has joint custody of who I adore and I’m excited to help raise them.”
“Steven and I don’t have a ton in the bank so a pre-nup seemed silly if it weren’t for the house.”
“I told him that I’m ready to combine finances and plan long term with him, but I wanted a pre-nup agreement just for the house.”
“It’s a non-negotiable for me that my daughter inherits the house.”
“He wasn’t happy with this.”
“He said that $1M split 3 ways is enough for all 3 kids to get a headstart in life.”
“I disagree, I paid 80% of the mortgage by myself and Camila is my only child.”
“She can have her dream life (working as a hair stylist, living in the Bay Area) with this house but will be unhappy (have to move out to a less desirable area) if it’s split.”
“I spoke to Camila about this and she agrees that she should get the house and said she always planned on inheriting it, just like I always planned on giving it to her.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You have been with this man 2 years and he is demanding that his kids receive an equal share of the home you paid for and raised your daughter in decades before he even existed for you?”
“That’s absurd.”
“If you’re going to marry this man and merge finances with him, you need to speak to an attorney first and make sure your wishes you YOUR home will be followed in the event that anything should happen.”
“But first you should ask yourself, if you have to go to great lengths to protect your child from his greed and entitlement, if marriage and merging finances is something you really want to do with this person.” ~ SnakesCantWearPants
“Agreed. My mother in law had a similar situation and didn’t get it sorted before she remarried and unfortunately they split up.”
“She still hasn’t fully recovered financially.”
“My wife wasn’t counting on anything from her mom, but I wish things had worked out differently for my M[other] I[n] L[aw]’s sake.” ~ QuicksandGotMyShoe
“NTA, OP. That said, I understand both points of view – IF we are not assuming that the fiancée is a golddiger.”
“I totally get OP – my mom was fiercely protective of me, and if she ever had a house, I would have inherited it, no matter what.”
“OP paid for the house herself, it’s the daughter’s childhood home – it’s a lot.”
“In my most charitable view of the fiancée, I assume that he is looking into the future – when he and OP are very old.”
“They raised his kids together, built memories with them, perhaps they called OP ‘mom,’ loved her as much as her daughter loved her – and, in the end, they inherit obviously less.”
“And on the day when they lose their parents, they are reminded that OP didn’t consider them as worthy of inheriting from her.”
“To be honest, one solution would be to let the daughter have the house now, since it’s the fruit of OP labors alone and was meant for the daughter.”
“OP and finacée start together with a clean slate and whatever they build together will be inherited by all 3 kids in the end.” ~ uglykitten2020
“I commented earlier, but I wanted to piggy-back a little off the most popular response so that hopefully OP will see this.”
“Speak to your attorney about putting the house into a trust for your daughter.”
“If you know you will not change your mind, then you may want an irrevocable trust.”
“It will separate the house from any potential challenges to your will or to your prenup.”
“It may not be the best option for you, but there are a lot of advantages to it (including possible tax advantages), so you should at least look into it.”
“Good luck OP!” ~ sra19
“This!!!! Seriously OP, get that house in a trust that takes it out of communal assets.”
“Also, California just is in the process of changing the rules on Prop 13 and inherited property, re taxes and property tax assessments, so lawyer NOW.”
“If you don’t have one who deals with this, PM me – I’m in the Bay and we have a lawyer who does trusts regularly (we’re ex-pats, trusts are standard because of the estate tax laws).”
“I’m happy to share our lady and you could at least get a consult.” ~ Sashi-Dice
“NTA… and I second speaking with an attorney.”
“A good prenup should address any divorce issues, but things could be tricky if something happens to you.”
“I don’t practice law in California, so I have no idea what the rules are there, but some places have elective share rules that give a spouse the option to take a part of the estate even if it was not in the will.”
“There are probably things you can do to ensure your wishes are honored, but check with an lawyer to be sure.” ~ qrpc
“NTA. The house was purchased 30 years ago, long before you met Steven, and it is your separate property.”
“I would not add him to your house deed.”
“But I certainly would consult an attorney versed in estate law.”
“I have my eyebrows raised that a fiancée of 2 years thinks his two children should get an equal share of your house that is your separate property.”
“And that you have paid the mortgage on for nearly 30 years.”
“Please, protect yourself and contact an attorney.” ~ Babybleu
“NTA, that’s your house.”
“I think the prenup is a fantastic idea as it is your investment, you shouldn’t risk losing it if things go south.”
“I am just floored he thinks his kids are entitled to 2/3 of the value. WTFF?!?” ~ JakBurten
“My mom made the mistake of trusting my first stepdad.”
“She actually agreed to put his name on the deed of her house (this was in the 70s), and when they divorced after 4 years, HE WAS AWARDED THE HOUSE.”
“All she got was away.”
“Don’t make my mom’s mistake, OP.” ~ kraftypsy
“Lady, you’ve been with that man all of two years.”
“You better stop playing.”
“This isn’t even a question.”
“That house belongs to YOU and should go to YOUR daughter.”
“All due respect, f**k them kids. NTA.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. Why does he think his kids should get so much when it’s your house.”
“That’s crazy to me. Proceed with caution.” ~ Livvylove
“NTA. Don’t marry him if he refused to sign a prenup and get that desire in writing with your will or he and his kids will have grounds to contest it later.”
“Please don’t marry without a prenup and if you have to make it a long engagement.”
“Don’t even set a date until he agrees and signs.” ~ dragoneggblaze
“This guy is basically just paying rent and he wants to control 33% of your assets?”
“Regardless of his intentions, that house is YOUR property and a prenup is a reasonable request in this situation.”
“Don’t back down, at the end of the day that house is for your daughter and you need to stand your ground. NTA.” ~
ogrizzle2
“NTA – it’s your house to do with as you please.”
“But, if you are positive that you will not change your mind about this, you may want to consider putting the house into an irrevocable trust for your daughter.”
“It would keep your house from going through probate and would keep it from being part of any challenges to your will or to the prenup.”
“I’m not saying it’s definitely be a better option for you, but it might be worth discussing with an attorney or financial planner.” ~ sra19
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Your house, your rules.
Finances are difficult to decipher.
Good luck.