More often than not, there is at least one thing about one's partner with which they disagree.
It could be something fairly minor, such as pineapple on pizza, or city life over country living.
Sometimes, however, the differences are more fundamental, such as political or religious views.
For many, their love might be so strong that they don't let these differences get in their way.
Others might find it an unavoidable barrier which they will never be likely to break.
Redditor throwaway-thewedding knew that his fiancé came from a family whose upbringing was very different to his.
And as a result, the original poster (OP) knew that they didn't see eye to eye on several issues.
But the OP found himself surprised by a demand she made for their upcoming wedding.
A demand so extreme, it led him to question if he wanted the wedding to proceed.
Wondering if he was overreacting, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I called off my wedding because my fiancé does not want my son to bring his boyfriend to the wedding?"
The OP shared how even though he became a father at a younger age than he expected, his son is none the less hands down his proudest achievement in every way.
"My son was born when I was only 15 years old, and I’ve been a single dad since I was 18."
"It was hard living for a long time money-wise but I always tried to do best by my son."
"Today I own my own gym and my son is now 22 and going to college and works at my gym full-time."
"He came out to me when he was 14 years old and I’ve always been supportive of him and his identity."
Sadly, the OP discovered that his fiancé was less accepting than he was about his son's sexual orientation, leading him to question their future plans.
"I’ve been with my fiancé now for about 2 years and while she does come from a very deep religious and conservative family, she has never had any issue with my son."
"At least nothing she has ever expressed to me."
"My son has been dating his boyfriend since he was 18 and I’ve gotten to know him really well."
"However my fiancé told me recently that she does not want my son’s boyfriend to come to the wedding nor does she want her parents to even get the inclination that my son is gay."
"That if they found out, they would have a complete fit."
"This really bothered me because I refuse to ask my son to go back in the closet."
"What is going to happen in the future?"
"When my son gets married himself?"
"Will they want him and his husband barred from other family events?"
"He’s my son and will be the best man and it would be unfair to deny him a plus one because her family has an issue with gay people."
"When I told her this, she got very angry with me and told me that I was being selfish and over-dramatic."
"That it would just be for this one day, that she wants the perfect wedding."
"I told her that this was unacceptable and that I was not going to ask my son not to bring his boyfriend."
"It’s my wedding too and I was his boyfriend there."
"After that I got the silent treatment for a day and since then it hasn’t been discussed again."
"However, it has left an extremely bad taste in my mouth and has me contemplating calling the wedding off."
"I do not want to marry into a family that would potentially discriminate against my son."
"I love my fiancé very much but my son will always come first."
"I told my brother and he said that I was being the a**hole here."
"That it would just be for one day and that since my son is an adult, it’s unlikely that he would have that much interaction with his 'step grandparents' in the future anyway."
"I still don’t feel comfortable about the entire situation and am really thinking about calling the wedding off."
"Would I be the a**hole if I did this?"
"Am I being unreasonable here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where the believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole if he decided to cancel the wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was doing the right thing by standing by his son, and was correct in questioning if he wanted to marry into a family who wouldn't accept his son and his boyfriend.
"It’s not one day, it’s the rest of your life, unless you never plan on hanging with the new in-laws again."
"Does she EVER plan on telling them?"- TheVue221
"NTA."
"This also applies for you."
"She's being selfish and over-dramatic."
"It is just for one day and you want the perfect wedding."
"She should be upset with her parents."
"If they make a stink at the wedding, then her family is who ruined the wedding."
"If they can't handle a man just being himself, then they aren't well adjusted."
"I would also be reconsidering things in this situation."
"I wouldn't want my kids being worried about if they're being treated differently by family."- SelfANew
"As a straight man with a gay son this brought a tear to my eye."
"Don't let her create this rift between you and your son!"
"Don't! I have little doubt your son may forgive you but it will hurt and it is completely unnecessary!"
"Clearly, your SO thinks this is HER wedding and not OURS."- RusticSurgery
"NTA."
"As a gay man I agree that you shouldn't ask your son to go back in the closet."
"I believe you're also right that it wont just be one day, it will be an issue during any family event that your future in laws and son would both be attending."
"You care about your son's well being and your wife wants her family's bigotry to trump his well being."
"F*ck that."
"Ultimately it's your decision on what to do, but I only hope you continue to be a good father."- fersure4
"NTA."
"This is what we call an impasse."
"I hope you can resolve it."- iamduh
"YWBTA if you allowed your fiancee to win on this."
"It's really gross and disgusting that she isn't willing to accept your son and his partner into her/ your new family, especially at your wedding."
"NTA if you ended things."
"Not accepting your gay son, and all that comes along with it, is a deal breaker, absolutely."- 4evercreatureteachin
"NTA."
"She wants the perfect wedding."
"So it should be with the perfect man who would love his son unconditionally."
"She’s right, it won’t be the perfect wedding."
"So you should tell her to find someone who will give that to her."
"Kids come first."
"Always."
"I don’t want you to call off a wedding but man."
"His could definitely be a big red flag."
"Like you mentioned, when your son finds a husband, is he banned from family events?"
"Gotta hide him in the family photos?"
"This woman should love all of you and part of you is your son."- OFFICIALMichi
"She needs to realize that she came into your life with your son already present, and that her relationship with you isn't going to take priority over your relationship with him."
"She can't expect the dynamic of your relationship to change to fit her needs."
"I understand wanting a hassle free wedding, but when you marry, you marry into a family."
"Your son is you family."
"You love your son entirely, and she and her family can't behave around someone they may disapprove of for a day, I may reconsider joining her family."- polichomp
"NTA."
"Ahe is choosing her families bigotry over your son’s happiness."
"This will be a common theme."
"Due to her upbringing she most likely has some prejudice against gay people and her 'perfect wedding' is pretending your son is straight."- DeathBahamutXXX
"Holy cow NTA."
"You should also seriously reconsider marrying this person."
"Your son's feelings take obvious priority of the feelings of your in laws, who aren't even related to your son."- WitchWithDesignerBag
"NTA."
"She did you a big favor and saved you a bunch of heartache and money by showing you her true colors."
"Who would ask their future spouse to do that to their son."
"You deserve better and your son is lucky to have you as a father."- gopaddleout
While weddings are primarily about the union between two people in love, they are also about two families coming together.
If the family of the OP's fiancée can't welcome his son into their family with the love he deserves, then it is fair for the OP to question if moving forward with the wedding is a good idea.
Their future is ultimately in the hands of the OP's fiancé, and if she's really willing to end this relationship to appease her bigoted parents.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.