Getting sober can be along and complicated process. Pushing forward and doing everything you can to not relapse takes time, effort, and the support of people close to you.
Redditor MaterialTooth5120 is trying to provide that support for his friend. The original poster (OP) even promised their friend they could come see OP’s baby if they could stay sober.
However, OP was forced to uninvite their friend from the party, and feels horrible about the situation.
He isn’t sure if he did something wrong and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about uninviting hisfriend.
Is OP just doing what’s right for his child?
“AITA for not being able to invite my best friend to my daughter’s first birthday?”
Or is there more to the story?
“My(25 Male) daughters first birthday is on Saturday and my husband(27Male) and I are throwing a big party for her. My best friend(25 Male) will also be 1 year sober on the same day.”
“When my daughter was born via surrogate, my best friend came to the hospital to see her and my husband and I decided that if he wanted to see our daughter, he had to get clean. That also meant that he could no longer stay at our house which he did so very often.”
“So before He came in I went out and told him he had to get clean before he ever came face to face with her. And since that he turned his whole life around.”
“My friend and I grew up in foster care together and started using drugs from a young age. We were even homeless together.”
“I got sober when I met my husband at 21 and I tried to encourage my friend to get sober with me and he did but he eventually relapsed. I’ve also become my friends sponsor.”
“I started talking to my husband that my best friend is really excited to come to the party and how he has a nice gift for her, a nice outfit picked out for the day and is beyond excited to finally meet her (he’s only met her through FaceTime).”
“And that I’m excited because I get to celebrate my daughters fist birthday and my friends 1 year mark on the same day.”
“[My husband] tells me that he really doesn’t think that my friend should be around our daughter just yet even with being a year sober. He says he could still have wild behavior.”
“It breaks my heart especially because he’s been looking forward to this for a while and my husband said a few weeks ago that it was ok if my friend came.”
“It hurts telling him that he can no longer come but promise to face time him from the party. He’s upset but he understands my husbands decision.”
“I feel like an a**hole because he’s been looking forward to this forever and I can’t even celebrate his 1 year mark with him. I’m so proud of him and coming to this party was a real reward for him, and getting to stay in my house was something he really looked forward to because he feels apart of my family.”
“I know it wasn’t my decision to not let him come but I still feel horrible. So AITA?”
OP promised his friend that he could come over to see the baby for her birthday if he was sober, but OP’s husband doesn’t think it’s been enough.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for disinviting his friend after promising he could come by including one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP set a standard that his friend met. However, OP changed the rules, even if it was only at his husband’s request.
But it is OP’s responsibility to support his friend as his sponsor and this punishes him unnecessarily.
The final judgement for OP was that he was TA.
“ETA clear judgment: YTA”
“Yes. 100%. You are absolutely, irrefutably the a**hole and your husband is even more so.”
“Your best friend hit rock bottom the moment he realized his addiction would keep him from having a relationship with your child, who he probably sees as a nibling. He pulled himself out of that toxic spiral, worked HARD to work through his addiction and got sober….. and that isn’t enough for you or for your partner.”
“Your partner doesn’t like your best friend. This isn’t about safety. This isn’t about ‘wild behavior’.”
“Your partner is happy to have an excuse to why he can not be there. When will his sobriety be enough? Two years? Three? Ten?”
“You are a terrible friend and an absolute a**hole. I have been ashamed for so many people on this reddit but never quite as much as I am right now of you.” – JustASplendaDaddy
“Definitely YTA. Is your husband threatened by your relationship with your friend? Have you forgotten your initial struggles with sobriety?”
“Or do you not really want your friend there for some reason? Are you ashamed of him? Are you scared of your husband that you would let him make this decision unilaterally?”
“If you are also your friend’s sponsor, I would say you are a toxic one.” – Sewasmiles
“A year is a big deal and quite an effort. I’d ask your husband to reconsider. This is the time your friend will finally have benefits for his good actions.”
“Taking it away makes it seem like it’ll never be good enough.” – Own-Difference-8674
While OP was the one who disinvited his friend, he did it because his husband said so. Which made a number of commenters wonder why the husband had such an issue.
If OP’s friend had been sober for a year, why couldn’t he come to the party?
“YTA. A year of recovery isn’t enough? You can’t dangle something so important in front of your friend and then take it back, especially when he’s met the standard y’all set.”
“Also, I think your husband might be jealous of the relationship you have with your best friend, given that hubby seems to be the one pushing the no visit thing even after a year of sobriety. – Huntress_of_the_Moon
“I know it’s bad, I’m like teasing with him and it’s incredibly unfair. I think my husband is jealous and has control issues.” – MaterialTooth5120 (OP)
“YTA, and so is your husband. You asked your friend to get sober for your daughter. He did.”
“He deserves the chance to be there, it’s her first birthday and his year of sobriety, it isn’t like he’ll be alone with her. If there is any strange behavior from him, y’all can shut it down and baby won’t even know what’s going on.”
“Your husband needs to give him a chance, and you shouldn’t move the goal posts.” – 2n1spook
“ESH but mostly your husband.”
“Your friend will NEVER have enough time sober for your husband. Your husband doesn’t want your friend around and is using that as an excuse to keep him away.”
“You’re friend has been sober for 1 year and your husband says he could still have ‘wild behavior.’ Yes, that’s possible but also the chimney could explode and lava start pouring out.”
“Your friend needs the benefit of the doubt after 1 year.”
“OP needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his husband’s unilateral decision based upon no facts.”
“Your friend is the decent one here and good on him for turning his life around. That should be celebrated and not punished by excluding him from the birthday party.” – Ducky818
“Also, why does husband get final say?? It must be ‘his’ house. Dang, what a good friend, to go a whole year getting sober just to meet your kid.”
“I wish I had a friend like that.” – Withamoomoohere
“Not to mention OP wasnt sober until he met his husband and they had a child together when OP was only 3 years sober. My understanding is a lot of thought/planning goes into surrogacy so how long were you sober when you started talking about having your own kids?”
“And your friend being 1 year sober isn’t good enough just to attend a public birthday party?”
“God imagine being 1 year sober just to follow through on this promise to meet this kid and then finding out even your sponsor doesn’t even believe in you. I hope OPs friend has a broader support system right now.” – avril-the-bean
“I was thinking the same thing. How devastating after working so hard to have your ‘best friend’ turn you away as if he hasn’t put in enough effort to be good enough to finally meet OP’s kid.”
“I could see this refusal being something that could trigger someone in recovery into a downward spiral. Both OP and his husband are complete assholes.” – Resting_Beauty_Face
OP made promise, one that he failed to keep. This is especially painful since his friend worked so hard to get sober for OP’s baby.
OP needs to find out why his husband has such an issue, and how to make this right for his friend.