There are so many precise elements that go into planning an event.
And when it's a special event, like a wedding, birthday, or baby shower, there is the extra stress of striving for a perfect time.
When it comes to surprises though, one of the things people don't want to worry about is the guest list.
A guest list has certain numbers for a reason.
Case in point...
Redditor babyshoweraita23 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my friend's boyfriend to leave my baby shower?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'll call my friend Lucy, and call her boyfriend Joe."
"I've never met Joe, but he and Lucy have been together a year or so."
"Lucy is the type who is never single."
"She is also beyond obsessed with her men and makes them her personality - if her boyfriend is into hunting, she likes hunting."
"If they're into the gym, she's into the gym. Etc."
"Lucy is never without Joe (she goes with him to the barber shop, etc)."
"Yesterday I had my baby shower."
"Lucy arrived in tow… with Joe."
"My baby shower was at an event center, and we received RSVPs."
"We told the staff we had X people coming, and now it was X+1."
"Joe was also the only guy in attendance, and I've never met him."
"I took Lucy aside and told her, 'I'm happy to have you here, but the invite was only for you.'"
"Lucy said, 'We're leaving then' and stormed off."
"I got texts from her last night saying I should understand they are a package deal, and it wasn't a big deal that he came."
"She said she brought him because she 'didn't want to be lonely,' and if I was a true friend, I'd understand."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - If she doesn't want to attend events without her B[oy]F[riend] then she should RSVP no to events he is not invited to." ~ Forward_Squirrel8879
"NTA. Lucy and Joe are weird."
"And any relationship that doesn't have boundaries or personal space is (at best) cringe."
"If not toxic." ~ Impossetgf
"Also, the jab at OP (and possibly other mutual friends) when she said she doesn't want to be lonely."
"As if OP isn't fun company."
"Why are you friends if you don't think the other isn't fun to hang out with?" ~ EatThisSh*t
"Not to defend Lucy, she was definitely the AH here."
"But it was OP's baby shower, so she's going to be busy playing hostess and chatting with everyone at the shower."
"Which I assume would be friends, family, and possibly some co-workers."
"In other words, people that Lucy may not know."
"I don't think that was a jab at OP, necessarily."
"When I've gone to baby showers in the past, I have just sort of assumed that the mom-to-be won't exactly have time to sit and entertain me."
"Now, that doesn't mean that I've just brought a surprise plus one."
"I'm an adult and I find it fairly easy to sit quietly in a room full of people I don't know and ooooh and aaaaah over baby sh*t for a few hours, then go home."
"Lucy needs to put on her big girl pants, it sounds like." ~ BelkiraHoTep
"This yes... I went to a shower where I knew no one. I sat quietly while they hosted gifts."
"I was excited that they didn't play those baby games everyone talks about."
"Either way, would I have liked someone I knew, yeah... BUUUTTT I still came alone."
"OP is not the AH." ~ yogilove2017
"Same here! I bring my gifts, maybe chat with grandparents-to-be and mom-to-be but don't monopolize their time."
"Put down a guess for when the baby will actually arrive on the game sheet."
"I have some snacks, cake, and punch and then go home."
"Doing this alone is called being an adult and being there for a friend even if you know no one else at the party." ~ Accomplished-Dog3715
"NTA-Traditionally baby showers are a women's only event. I've been to one where the father-to-be and grandfather-to-be were there."
"The only men that are at baby showers are immediate family members, if any."
"Otherwise if the host is married and it's at their house, the husband will get food or a beer out of the fridge and retreat."
"I've asked my boyfriend too, just out of politeness but not in sincerity, and the answer is always the same as the one you got."
"Lucy needs therapy for her codependency addiction." ~ catsnglitter86
"NTA, the princess got a reality check."
"She'll get another one in 6 months when she's single and looking for the next person and personality to assimilate into becoming." ~ Cannabis-aficionado
"NTA. He wasn't invited."
"And he was the only guy there."
"Traditionally, only women are invited."
"So unless your invitation specified 'Lucy and Joe' or 'Lucy and Guest' then it's on them for making a false assumption that he'd be welcome."
"You're there to celebrate your pregnancy and your wee one with those you love and that love you."
"You don't know this guy from Adam, so he wasn't there for the purpose of showing you love and support."
"He was there because they're ridiculously attached at the hip."
"NTA. Lucy and Joe are weird."
"And any relationship that doesn't have boundaries or personal space is (at best) cringe."
"If not toxic." ~ No-Actuary-9388
"NTA. It is peak rudeness to bring someone to an event when they haven't been invited."
"Even if she would've been 'lonely,' your shower wasn't about her!"
"Lucy sounds codependent and obnoxious." ~ twelvedayslate
"God, reminds me of my ex-boyfriend."
"He adopted his first girlfriend's personality during their relationship then just kept it."
"If she hated a food, he had to hate it too."
"If she liked a band, then they were his favorite band."
"Basically everything she did was perfect; therefore, that was what he had to do and think also."
"Come to think of it, I wonder if he didn't actually choose his college major because that's what she was studying."
"It was exhausting, it was like being in a relationship with him and his ex-girlfriend (and also his freaking mom) and whatever they said was correct and should be followed religiously." ~ scarletnightingale
"I used to be just like this woman, and it makes me cringe."
"I invited myself on my ex's outings, I invited him to my outings."
"We were together 4 years and only spent maybe 3 full days away from each other."
"We worked together, lived together pretty instantly."
"He went on a work trip, and I cried because I was going to be alone."
"I realized it was a problem after we broke up (you'd think those actions would be the reason for the break-up but nope)."
"I have grown with age, so I don't do stuff like this anymore."
"I think his girlfriend is the same way I used to be but won't even let him have female friends." ~ zephyrlilly
"NTA! How entitled do you have to be to bring someone to an RSVP event without invitation, without asking!"
"Not to mention that baby showers are traditionally all women/girls only so they can talk about stuff like breastfeeding and how to deal with postpartum issues without feeling uncomfortable."
"Adding male guests just changes the entire mood and the type of event it is!"
"Even if she was genuinely uncertain if her BF is included in the invitation, Lucy should have asked rather than assumed!"
"Good for you for standing up for yourself." ~ Bubble_Wyvern
"NTA. Lucy should have declined the invitation."
"I've been married quite some time so I presume most people see my husband and myself as a 'package deal' but if the invite is to me for a girl's event it's just me that shows up."
"I would resume that the father of your baby wasn't there nor were the husbands of other attendees."
"I agree with the poster above that responding invites are for the invited and if she wants to add someone she reaches out ahead of time or declines."
"Her actions were rude." ~ Abcdezyx54321
"Lucy sounds like a very insecure young woman who needs help to find her center."
"But this was your baby shower and her ability to spend a few hours away from her BF should not be your problem or your baggage."
"Having a baby on the way is quite enough to deal with."
"NTA, but I hope you encourage your friend to get help." ~ Right_Bee_9809
"This is my mother, in a nutshell."
"She's on her third marriage."
"This incantation involves her completely transforming from a very liberal, progressive, tolerant, atheist to a religious whack job, who's anti-choice, 'obeys' her latest doofus of a husband, and is the antithesis of the person who raised me."
"If he kicks the bucket, she'll transform again to suit whoever she ends up with."
"Chameleon with no personality."
"NTA, but don't expect better from Lucy. It won't change." ~ Shabbah8
"NTA. Lucy sounds entitled."
"I think she could've at least asked you in advance if it would be okay if her BF tagged along."
"I had a friend pull a similar stunt on me once. Needless to say, we aren't friends anymore." ~ rc3wondereftw
"NTA. Sounds like you could replace Lucy with an Etchasketch."
"Get a guy to tweak the knobs until he gets his desired result, a bit of a shake-up and pass to the next guy." ~ Livid-Flan
Well, OP, Reddit seems to be on your side.
Your party, your rules.
It's rude to bring surprise guests to a party.
Focus on yourself and your baby.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp