Content Warning: Body-Shaming, Weight-Shaming, Self-Confidence, Body Confidence, Mentions of Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphia
One of the most troubling subjects any parent will likely have to address with their children at some point is the subject of their body, what it can do, what it might look like, and unfortunately, what others might shame about it.
But while teaching a child about body positivity, healthy choices, and finding a healthy balance, too much emphasis on this subject could have an adverse effect, as well, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Whole-Football5455 was present when their wife’s best friend was visiting the house and made a comment to their daughter about being thin while young compared to later in life.
Immediately viewing this as a problematic comment, the Original Poster (OP) yelled at their wife’s friend and forced her to leave the house.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife’s best friend she wasn’t welcome in our home anymore after she mocked my daughter’s weight?”
The OP was trying to help their daughter be as confident as possible.
“My daughter (15) has been struggling with body image.”
“She’s athletic, healthy, and beautiful, but she’s not rail-thin like a lot of girls in her school. We’ve worked hard to build up her confidence.”
The OP did not share the same views as their wife’s best friend.
“My wife’s best friend, Carla, has always been… blunt. I tolerate her for my wife’s sake.”
“But last weekend, I overheard her say to my daughter (who was in a swimsuit for our backyard BBQ): ‘Enjoy it now, sweetie, because it only gets harder to stay skinny after 20.'”
“I saw my daughter’s face fall.”
The OP was not having it.
“I told Carla to leave immediately. She laughed like I was kidding.”
“I wasn’t. I said she was never welcome in my home again.”
“My wife says I overreacted and ‘humiliated’ her best friend. She thinks an apology from Carla should’ve been enough.”
“But my daughter cried that night. And I don’t want someone like that around her again.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they were NTA and that their wife should have had their daughter’s back.
“NTA. Your wife is worried about her adult friend being humiliated, but not her daughter? Your daughter is still a child and learning to navigate assholes like your wife’s friend. Nice to know where her priorities are.” – Temporary_Storm_2288
“Most likely, the wife shares the same thoughts and may be the root cause of the daughter’s insecurities. It’s sadly common for women to put each other down in that department.”
“And mom will wonder why, in a few years, she and her daughter aren’t close, or her daughter is low or no contact with her but not dad.” – Go-Mellistic
“NTA. It may take your wife time to come around, but as long as she knows how it’s affecting your daughter, she ought to come around. I wish my parents had done that for me. Good job, dad.” – peonyleg
“NTA. So when I was a teen. My mams friend went to me, ‘Oh, you’ve put on weight.’ My mam ignored it and i just felt so crappy.”
“But my mam was a person who needed a minute, so her friend said that, and we got back in the car and started to drive away. Then she went, ‘Hold on, did she say that to you or me?'”
“I said, ‘Me,’ and she spun that car around so fast, I thought the tires would come off, got out, and had this huge argument with this woman.”
“Looking back, it hurt, but I was more impressed that I had someone in my corner. to some people it’s a little silly comment but when it’s being said to you it’s a lot more.” – Alert_Bid1531
Others agreed and pointed out how detrimental this could be to the daughter’s self-image and confidence.
“Children get a complex early with anything negative you tell them, and they may or may not always remember…”
“If they do, it affects them later on in life at any age. Trust me, I know…It may not bother them for years, or they just choose to ‘block it out’ for a long time because they don’t want to remember those comments and how it makes them feel.”
“Then suddenly, that memory of those negative comments and feelings comes back after years and affects them because of something that happens. They aren’t helpful at all.” – Exotic_Benefit7688
“People can remember that one single comment the rest of their lives.” – datadrone
“I was 19, four or five months postpartum, and my mother’s best friend’s sister (who I’d known since I was five) said, ‘We’re all just so worried about you, because you’re still so fat! We just don’t want you to die before you’re even 20!!'”
“She said this in front of my then husband, who proceeded to use my weight to bully me for the next 15 years until I tried to off myself.”
“Comments like that are not only directly harmful, but they can embolden bullies and make them feel justified in their bullying because they have backup and support.” – DiscordiaHel
“I will forever remember my friend pinching the skin on her thigh and scream-crying about how fat she was when we were in second grade, meaning we were only seven or eight years old at the time.”
“Her mother was a horrible woman who hounded her daughters over their weight, though she wasn’t exactly a skinny model herself. When looking back at my memory of her, my friend was a perfectly healthy weight, if not a touch underweight.”
“Our class went to that friend’s family farm for a field trip, and sometime during that day, I grabbed a strawberry to snack on. My friend’s mother was nearby, and she looked at me, pushed her nose up, and oinked loudly like a pig at me. To a seven-year-old child who wasn’t overweight, or even her child, over a strawberry.”
“My mother has done her own damage to my sense of self and my body image over the years, but I do believe she ripped into that woman back then, which I’m grateful for. Some adults, man…”
“I have looked up my old friend over the years, and she has at least looked healthy and beautiful since her teens and well into adulthood. I sincerely hope she is doing well and has a more positive self-image. My heart still breaks for her second-grade self.” – moonlit-soul
“OP is obviously NTA but also very much legendary. My 10-year-old was invited to a swim party last weekend, and I saw her hesitation in getting into her bathing suit… We immediately had a chat, and it turns out, she was feeling weird about body hair. We had a discussion about grooming, and that’s what we will do in the summer.”
“My husband, when I told him her hesitation and the follow-up conversation, said, ‘Oh man, I’m glad it was that and not weight. I just had to tell Shelly’s mom to shut the f**k up because she was body shaming the poor girl.'”
“On what planet is it okay for an adult to body shame a child? And we shouldn’t body shame anyone, but like… you’re gonna body shame your own kid?? Ugh, I hate everyone. Good job on OP.” – RockNRollMama
But some Redditors thought that the OP misunderstood the comment and overreacted.
“First off, I think I’m misunderstanding the comment. While I don’t believe it is EVER appropriate to say something about someone’s weight, I don’t see where she said something negative about your daughter.”
“It was almost like she was complimenting her that she was fit and, perhaps out of jealously, “warning” her that it’s harder to stay thin after 20 (not really true. Maybe more your 30s). It was absolutely passive-aggressive nonsense, but I don’t see that she insulted her weight.”
“I think you heard it to be an insult because YOU don’t consider your daughter to be ‘rail thin,’ but Carla was essentially telling her she was thin.”
“Again, this was inappropriate indeed and perhaps worth discussing with Carla. However, no, I do not think you can ‘ban’ her for this, and if your daughter ‘cried’ about this, it likely more because of these giant scene that was made. You reacted like Carla called your daughter fat, and so she reacted like someone called her fat.” – DoreyCat
“As someone with zero body image confidence and an eating disorder, I’ve had since I was in middle school… I get why you reacted the way you did, and I agree that Carla needs to be told that she should not comment on weight or appearance to young women…”
“That being said, if I were your daughter, I’d be mad at you. It’s great that you wanted to defend your daughter, really, but it sounds like you overheard something, and then made that situation into a whole thing, highlighting what was said, and making it much larger than it needed to be.”
“If I were your daughter I’d be p**sed off that you had to make it a huge thing, that you couldn’t just pull her aside and tell her to knock it off or there would be consequences. I would feel that you embarrassed me at the BBQ by making it a scene.” – Subject988
“I think it was an overreaction. While I do think it was a somewhat rude thing to say, it wasn’t worthy of kicking her out of your house. Maybe this woman has a history of being rude, and this wasn’t her first offense.”
“I wouldn’t say it to a young teenager. Your wife could have jumped in there and said, ‘Isn’t this a cute suit she got? I think she looks so good in it.’ Or something. I understand your intention, but I think you overreacted.” – gingerjuice
“YTA. This is the equivalent of an old guy looking at an athletic male teen and saying, ‘enjoy the physique because it gets harder to maintain as you get older,’ which is good life advice and also a compliment and also not inappropriate.”
“Why is your kid crying at getting compliments, and why are you exiling your wife’s best friend for giving your kid a compliment… I’m so f**king confused.” – LilDingalang
“I do think you overreacted. Your whole post screams you are the one worried about your kid’s weight. Terms like ‘rail thin’ and comparing your daughter to other girls in her class in a defensive posture tell me you are the one one that has the worry, so to compensate, you are overly protective of your daughter’s feelings.”
“Kids are mean, and people say stupid things all of the time. Your daughter needs to know how to ignore and move past ignorant comments, not how to let them crush her. You making a big scene in her defense because some middle-aged, jealous woman who struggles with their weight made a comment about your daughter being fit now and enjoying it only reinforces that your daughter needs to be concerned with her looks.”
“You could have just looked at your wife’s friend and said ‘not all people struggle, just the ones who aren’t at peace with themselves so as long as your not like your moms best friend, your going to be okay,’ and then laughed and enjoyed the rest of the day instead of making a dramatic scene that just shows your daughter she should react when people say dumb things.”
“Teach her to be resilient and do a deep dive into your own hidden biases with weight because odds are you are the one who inadvertently taught her to be self-conscious by ‘working so hard to build her self-esteem.'”
“I know this sounds mean, and I know you love your kid, but it’s really important that as a parent you self-reflect and look at your own behaviors and how they shape your child.” – Playful_Ad2961
What the subReddit could all agree on is that it’s inappropriate to comment on other people’s bodies and weight, but it’s especially inappropriate to comment on a child’s. The issue was in how to address those who do comment.
While some were on the OP’s side and thought what the wife’s friend had said was completely inappropriate, and made the wife complicit by not commenting on it, others were concerned that the OP had turned this into a larger concern and visual attraction than it needed to be.
If the OP wanted to help their daughter, the best thing to do would be to discuss what had happened, why they’d been so upset on their daughter’s behalf, and what they would do better if they had a chance to repeat it. This could teach their daughter who hard and emotional situations like this could be, while also striking the balancing act of recognizing a serious issue without placing too much pressure on it.