The rules for refunding money for canceled plans are made and spelled out by the businesses where reservations are made.
But what about refunds between friends?
If a trip is planned and one person cancels, are their friends obligated to refund their money if the travel businesses won't? And does it matter why the friend canceled?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on this question.
Ok_Mind9160 asked:
"AITA for not refunding my friend $600 after she bailed on our group trip?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My friends and I (19, female) all decided to go on a ski trip for 12 days over winter break. We found a place to stay and all in all it was around $600 per person for the rental."
"We decided it was just easiest to have one person (me) put all the money in upfront and just everyone pay me back before the actual trip, which everyone did."
"In my friend group, we have a girl—let's call her Sarah. She comes from a comfortable family and was even one of the people who suggested the trip and was one of the leading forces to finding the Airbnb."
"Literally, in the weeks leading up to the trip we were all fine, sending outfit ideas, restaurants to book, etc..."
"The Tuesday before we left (Saturday) Sarah starts sending texts to the group chat like 'guys, Jacob's (her boyfriend) family is going to xxxxx next week, ' basically sending us a LOT of details about where his family is going for winter vacation that we didn't really need to know."
"Then on Thursday (again we leave on Saturday) she texts the group chat saying how she couldn't go because she had a family emergency, said her grandma had gotten admitted to the hospital."
"We were obviously bummed, but family comes first and I told her that I would send her the money back that she sent towards the rental."
"We go on the trip and everything is OK until one of my friends who has Sarah's location on Life360 (roommates) sees that she's in a beach town and we put 2 and 2 together. We spend that night pissed and we call her out the next day where she admits everything."
"She had been last minute invited on her boyfriend's vacation and decided that she wanted to go to that instead, but didn't know how to tell us. We were all obviously hurt and upset that she would choose a boy over us, but at the end of the day she's a 19-year-old girl, so I guess it's just immaturity."
"The part that I'm wondering if I'm the a**hole with is, that after finding out that she voluntarily pulled out of the trip, I had told her I wouldn't be refunding her the $600 she had sent me for the rental."
"She pulled out so last minute that we couldn't find anything cheaper and I said I was OK just wasting that money because, again, I thought she was having a family emergency."
"After finding out that she wouldn't be getting back, she went insane and started calling me a bad friend and everything."
"My parents think I should send it back to her, but I don't see why I should. She pulled out because of her boyfriend and expected us to all just absorb the cost."
The OP later added:
"My parents would send me money if I needed it, but I haven't had to ask them for it in all of college or really any time."
"I wouldn't be 'broke' broke if I lost the $600 by just paying for her portion, but it would alter my lifestyle quite a bit."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole because I'm keeping over $600 from my friend and refusing to refund her it back."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She voluntarily bailed on the trip and lied to everyone saying that her grandma was in the hospital. She could have told the truth but she may have known she wouldn't get the money back or she'd be judged by all of you."
"Either way, you paid solely for that Airbnb expecting everyone would chip in. In this sense you're only expected to pay 600, not 1200 because she lied and went on a different trip instead."
"The Airbnb was already paid for and she knew it. If she really is from a comfortable background, she should have no problem paying the 600 for a choice she made." ~ umpaloompababy
"NTA. And she's calling you a bad friend! Tell her it's a 600$ Deception Fee for lying to her friends and trying to stick them with extra costs, but the genuine worry you had for the health of her grandma she got for free." ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
"Honestly, if they were going to excuse her and refund her, the 600 dollars extra would be devided by how many other people were on the trip. If there was 7 people, and she backed out, is each person okay coughing up and extra $100 to cover the costs?" ~ QuantumRiff
"My thoughts exactly. When she asks each person individually to refund their portion of her cost and they each tell her no, then she might actually learn instead of trying to bully one person into giving her what she wants." ~ AfterPoopZoomies
"Yeah, it should either be a group decision on whether to all pay extra to share the cost of 1 fewer person coming, or each individual person can choose to send the bailing friend the extra money."
"For example, if there were 4 total people, each of the 3 that actually went on the trip could send the bailing friend $200 to cover the cost of her not going. It should absolutely not be OP paying the full share of the bailing friend." ~ PettyYetiSpaghetti
"They maybe could but why should they? If it was truly a family emergency then, of course you would want to show her a little grace and refund her the funds."
"But she just bailed to go someplace nicer with her boyfriend and then lied about it as well! NTA. I definitely would not refund her anything!" ~ PurpleBeast27
"She probably did not have to pay for the trip with the boyfriend, so friend is trying to get a vacation for free. NTA. Keep the $600!" ~ hookedonnaturr
"For me it's the lying and still expecting to be refunded. If she had told them earlier in the week maybe they could have found alternative accommodations."
"And even if not if she had just been honest about it the other friends would have probably been more likely to be okay with covering what would have been her portion." ~ WolfDaddy1991
"NTA,OP. Even if you thought Sarah should be refunded, you wouldn't be responsible to reimburse her on your own anyway."
"Just send a text to the group chat, inform them that Sarah wants her money back, break down the $600 per person that did attend, and let each person decide if they'd like to reimburse Sarah for what would be their additional amount."
"Sarah isn't entitled to a refund anyway, as she voluntarily pulled out last minute for what was, in her mind, a better offer. But in any case, under no circumstance should this be your problem alone."
"Put it to the group and everyone can chime in with their opinion and those who feel Sarah should be reimbursed can go ahead and reimburse her for their %." ~ Baldassm
"NTA. She lied and got caught. Technically you didn't need to refund even with a family emergency, but I understand doing so (if you can afford it) because they'll most likely have unexpected expenses to cover.
"That's not what happened. She chose to go on a different vacation instead."
"'Friend, I was willing to take a financial hit and refund you when you said you had a family emergency. You lied. You chose to go on vacation with your boyfriend instead'."
"'Which is your decision to make. Just like not taking a financial hit due to your decisions is my choice to make. You will not be refunded anything'." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
"The only mistake you made was ever offering to refund her the money in the first place."
"Emergency or not, she pulled out at the very last minute and left everyone else hanging. That's on her. She should not have been refunded one penny."
"She should just eat that cost... even if it had been an emergency. It's not your place to fund her emergencies... or her 'emergencies'."
"NTA. Oh, and by the way, she's a bad friend and a big, big, fat liar." ~ LawyerDad1981
"Agreed. Being the friend who organizes the group trip and makes the bookings can be irritating, exactly because of people like Sarah who flake and change plans at the last minute."
"The fact that she ditched this trip for her boyfriend and lied about it makes it both annoying and hurtful. NTA." ~ PandaEnthusiast89
While it may cost a friendship, OP had full support to not refund her friend's vacation costs.
Since this friend lied about a sick grandmother to get her money back, is the friendship really a great loss?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.