There is quite a lot of power in the hands of a couple as they assemble the guest list for their upcoming wedding.
They who gets to go, where they all sit, and, as one Redditor recently caught the brunt of, who close friends are allowed to bring along.
The Redditor posted about her recent experience with a wedding-bound friend to the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Educational_Stable80 on the site, used the post's title to outline the thrust of the issue.
"AITA for not going to a wedding after my platonic SO ('Boston Marriage') of 18 years wasn't invited?"
OP began with her initial reactions to wedding invites.
"I am currently [a 42-year-old female], as is platonic soulmate Betty."
"Now that weddings are happening here however with guest limitations the invites are coming in."
"I currently have an issue with a friend of mine who has opted to extend a plus one to another friend Lora, who has only been with her boyfriend for <6 months but not to myself so I can bring Betty who I've been living with for the last 18 years."
"It would have been fine if Betty had gotten a separate invite as she is friends with the bride too but she didn't."
Then an unexpected development occurred.
"When I received the invite with no plus 1s I was a bit hurt because we've always had the invite extended to us ever since we purchased a house together 16 years ago."
"So when I was catching up with Lora, she mentioned that she was bringing her boyfriend to the wedding so I asked if she got a plus 1 and she said yes and then asked me I got one for Betty or if Betty was invited."
"I said no, there was an awkward pause so I just said, it's hard with guest limits and we moved on."
OP felt the appropriate response was clear.
"I ended up RSVPing no however because it's her wedding and I wasn't going to make a fuss. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal but I got a call from the bride asking me for a reason."
"I kept deflecting but she starting asking if she had offended me or was it because we hadn't kept in touch much during lockdown so I thought I would be honest and tell her it was because Betty hadn't been invited."
"She pointed out that Betty wasn't my SO and I told her Betty is my platonic SO and had been for 18 years where as Lora had only known her bloke for less than 6 months so he hardly counts as an SO."
A back and forth ensued.
"She said I was being unreasonable because the SO title was for romantic relationships and weddings are to celebrate romantic unions but I told her I felt it was unreasonable that Betty hadn't been invited."
"She told me I couldn't dictate her guest list and and I could tell things weren't going to be resolved..."
"...so I finished the call by telling her that under no circumstance was I wanting her to extend an invite to Betty if she felt her guest list couldn't accommodate it but she should respect that I had RSVP'd no."
"I also wished her all the best for her wedding day. She was still not happy but accepted the outcome of the call (or so I thought)."
Then Lora became more involved.
"I think she's gone and vented to Lora because Lora reached out to me."
"She said gently, I should go because the bride had basically escaped an abusive marriage and found love so her first wedding didn't really count."
"I told Lora though that I'm a little over my relationship being 2nd tier all the time when it's outlasted most of my friend's marriages."
"Lora said she understood and agreed Betty should be invited but it was a shame because the bride is torn up because we've been friends for nearly 20 years and she felt she didn't have my support."
But OP had an obvious rebuttal to that.
"I told Lora though that I also felt after 20 years of friendship, I didn't have support for my relationship either."
"So AITA for not going?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
By far the most common response from Redditors was NTA.
"NTA. It is extremely bad form not to invite an SO or spouse to a wedding and to expect the other to show up alone. The fact you two are platonic is irrelevant. You are a couple in this case and it's the bride who owes you an apology."
"Aces and Aros can have SOs!" -- Cat_in_an_oak_tree
"NTA. Platonic relationships are as valid as romantic relationships and if after 20 years of friendship (18 of those you were with Betty) she didn't understand that, there maybe is a problem in your friendship and in how she sees your relationship with Betty."
"You didn't even try to make Betty invited, you just said no and that was it but she is the one who said you couldn't dictate her guest list when that's not what you did. So yeah, NTA, OP." -- lexa166
"NTA; an invitation is not an order, choice is choice. Sorry they don't understand the spectrum of relationships; marriage is oversold." -- UncleFredP00P
"NTA. The bride had no real reason to not invite Betty and her 'logic' regarding your relationship is flawed. That yours has lasted longer is worth noting. At the least, she should have simply accepted the 'no' and been ok with it."
"I won't call her the AH for the guest list, though, as it is her decision in the end. I will say she is being unreasonable though." -- Anthissa21
A few people did recommend keeping perspective.
"NAH, go or don't according to what you feel is best, but don't expect people to understand what a Boston Marriage is (sounds like a roommate to me)." -- TigerDude33
"NAH I don't think the bride likes Betty and doesn't want Betty at her wedding. Her choice. You can stay home in solidarity. That's your choice. 🤷🏼♀️" -- pizzamartini
"NAH She can invite whomever she pleases to her wedding. You are free to decline her disrespectful invitation. Good job holding your boundaries while being polite." -- wrytit
So if the Reddit comments have any influence at all, it looks like OP just got herself a free weekend.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.