There is quite a lot of power in the hands of a couple as they assemble the guest list for their upcoming wedding.
They who gets to go, where they all sit, and, as one Redditor recently caught the brunt of, who close friends are allowed to bring along.
The Redditor posted about her recent experience with a wedding-bound friend to the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Educational_Stable80 on the site, used the post’s title to outline the thrust of the issue.
“AITA for not going to a wedding after my platonic SO (‘Boston Marriage’) of 18 years wasn’t invited?”
OP began with her initial reactions to wedding invites.
“I am currently [a 42-year-old female], as is platonic soulmate Betty.”
“Now that weddings are happening here however with guest limitations the invites are coming in.”
“I currently have an issue with a friend of mine who has opted to extend a plus one to another friend Lora, who has only been with her boyfriend for <6 months but not to myself so I can bring Betty who I’ve been living with for the last 18 years.”
“It would have been fine if Betty had gotten a separate invite as she is friends with the bride too but she didn’t.”
Then an unexpected development occurred.
“When I received the invite with no plus 1s I was a bit hurt because we’ve always had the invite extended to us ever since we purchased a house together 16 years ago.”
“So when I was catching up with Lora, she mentioned that she was bringing her boyfriend to the wedding so I asked if she got a plus 1 and she said yes and then asked me I got one for Betty or if Betty was invited.”
“I said no, there was an awkward pause so I just said, it’s hard with guest limits and we moved on.”
OP felt the appropriate response was clear.
“I ended up RSVPing no however because it’s her wedding and I wasn’t going to make a fuss. I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal but I got a call from the bride asking me for a reason.”
“I kept deflecting but she starting asking if she had offended me or was it because we hadn’t kept in touch much during lockdown so I thought I would be honest and tell her it was because Betty hadn’t been invited.”
“She pointed out that Betty wasn’t my SO and I told her Betty is my platonic SO and had been for 18 years where as Lora had only known her bloke for less than 6 months so he hardly counts as an SO.”
A back and forth ensued.
“She said I was being unreasonable because the SO title was for romantic relationships and weddings are to celebrate romantic unions but I told her I felt it was unreasonable that Betty hadn’t been invited.”
“She told me I couldn’t dictate her guest list and and I could tell things weren’t going to be resolved…”
“…so I finished the call by telling her that under no circumstance was I wanting her to extend an invite to Betty if she felt her guest list couldn’t accommodate it but she should respect that I had RSVP’d no.”
“I also wished her all the best for her wedding day. She was still not happy but accepted the outcome of the call (or so I thought).”
Then Lora became more involved.
“I think she’s gone and vented to Lora because Lora reached out to me.”
“She said gently, I should go because the bride had basically escaped an abusive marriage and found love so her first wedding didn’t really count.”
“I told Lora though that I’m a little over my relationship being 2nd tier all the time when it’s outlasted most of my friend’s marriages.”
“Lora said she understood and agreed Betty should be invited but it was a shame because the bride is torn up because we’ve been friends for nearly 20 years and she felt she didn’t have my support.”
But OP had an obvious rebuttal to that.
“I told Lora though that I also felt after 20 years of friendship, I didn’t have support for my relationship either.”
“So AITA for not going?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
By far the most common response from Redditors was NTA.
“NTA. It is extremely bad form not to invite an SO or spouse to a wedding and to expect the other to show up alone. The fact you two are platonic is irrelevant. You are a couple in this case and it’s the bride who owes you an apology.”
“Aces and Aros can have SOs!” — Cat_in_an_oak_tree
“NTA. Platonic relationships are as valid as romantic relationships and if after 20 years of friendship (18 of those you were with Betty) she didn’t understand that, there maybe is a problem in your friendship and in how she sees your relationship with Betty.”
“You didn’t even try to make Betty invited, you just said no and that was it but she is the one who said you couldn’t dictate her guest list when that’s not what you did. So yeah, NTA, OP.” — lexa166
“NTA; an invitation is not an order, choice is choice. Sorry they don’t understand the spectrum of relationships; marriage is oversold.” — UncleFredP00P
“NTA. The bride had no real reason to not invite Betty and her ‘logic’ regarding your relationship is flawed. That yours has lasted longer is worth noting. At the least, she should have simply accepted the ‘no’ and been ok with it.”
“I won’t call her the AH for the guest list, though, as it is her decision in the end. I will say she is being unreasonable though.” — Anthissa21
A few people did recommend keeping perspective.
“NAH, go or don’t according to what you feel is best, but don’t expect people to understand what a Boston Marriage is (sounds like a roommate to me).” — TigerDude33
“NAH I don’t think the bride likes Betty and doesn’t want Betty at her wedding. Her choice. You can stay home in solidarity. That’s your choice. 🤷🏼♀️” — pizzamartini
“NAH She can invite whomever she pleases to her wedding. You are free to decline her disrespectful invitation. Good job holding your boundaries while being polite.” — wrytit
So if the Reddit comments have any influence at all, it looks like OP just got herself a free weekend.