If "the truth shall set you free"—but it's "rude to speak ill of the dead"—is it better to be free or be rude?
22-year-old Reddit user AutomaticYak3618 found himself facing off against some of his family members after he opted to speak freely about his uncle at his funeral. It sparked drama, but drama doesn't necessarily mean he was wrong.
So he asked the AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") subReddit for their thoughts.
"AITA for not pretending someone wl: as a good guy just because he died?"
Before we get into it—and yeah, it's a lot—let's go over what the AITA subReddit is and how it works.
AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") is a sounding board where people can talk about those morally grey area moments in life where they're not sure if they were the bad guy or not.
People tell their stories as posts. Other reddit users respond to the original poster (you'll see them called "OP" quite often) in the comments and cast their votes.
Voting Options Are:
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Now that you understand how it works, I would normally just get straight back to OP's story.
In this case, though, I want to take a moment and caution readers some of the conversation ahead might be triggering. It centers on lecherous older family members—the "creepy uncle" trope—younger relatives feeling sexualized, etc...
It may be an uncomfortable read for some people.
Now back to OP choosing truth and keeping the funeral real.
"My uncle (48) had a habit of leering at my younger cousins (late teens/early 20s). They're his nieces."
"He always initiated hugs with them (they never initiated), and when hugging them his hand just always looked a bit too low on their backs. And once I saw him staring at his niece's cleavage."
"On Facebook, he was always posting about how much money he made on some deal (he worked in finance). He would also post pics of him with women from his workplace--all attractive, much younger than him."
"It's a finance job, not a modeling gig. It's obvious he purposely only hung out with the attractive women."
"As far as I know, he didn't do anything more than that - just made girls feel like this older, overweight dude is eye-f*cking them."
"He never seemed to do anything in his free-time that didn't put him near some younger women/girls. It was always a girl that was 18+, by the way, just much much younger than him."
"He died a couple weeks ago from diabetes and the funeral was last week. The service went smooth and the eulogy / anyone who talked about him, mainly focused on his work accomplishments."
"Then people gathered around and had snacks/drinks."
"I was in a group of about 7 people, including some cousins, and an uncle and aunt. The uncle and aunt were talking about how selfless he was, telling a story about how he helped people he barely knew."
"They gave the example of my cousin's 19-year-old friend; he assisted her by helping her move furniture."
"I remember this incident."
"The girl had a housewarming and invited my cousin (her friend), and some friends over for. She told my cousin she could bring some friends."
"On the night of the party, my cousin told me about it and said she wanted me to come because I was studying too hard lately. She invited me in front of some family, including the uncle who died."
"The uncle invited himself over because my cousin said she could bring friends. He came with us because no one felt like telling him no."
"At the party, he was the oldest one there."
"The host mentioned she needed help to move furniture around and make things look better. My uncle's ears perk up and he says he has a professional interior designer friend, and he'd love to help her."
"He then asked 'How's Saturday? I'm supposed to see her then anyway. You'll love my friend. She's great'."
"The friend said 'yeah... that works'."
"I got the feeling like he used his female friend to make the 19-year-old feel more comfortable about him coming over."
"Later, I heard that after the interior designer left, he stayed back to talk with her for a long while before she finally got the guts to say she had to go and couldn't talk to him anymore."
"After my (living) uncle and aunt tell the story about my (deceased) uncle helping someone he barely knew, I said 'Well, I mean, I think he was just trying to hit on her'."
"Everyone gave me a shocked look, except my younger cousins. They looked like their day just brightened up because someone finally said it."
"Everyone else just walked away and didn't say anything."
"Later, my parents called me and said I was inappropriate."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Reddit had some passionate opinions on this one.
"NTA. So many people 'don't speak ill of the dead' but when it's true it's true."
"My mom died a while back and I watched so many people do the same as you describe - 'so selfless...' , 'so full of light...' "
"Yeah, no my mom was a selfish b*tch. She was a hardcore alcoholic who drove drunk and hurt people."
"She was abusive and only cared about herself and she was found in a ditch on more than one occasion passed out drunk, but I digress."
"NTA because you're realistic. Sorry for rant about my Mom." - Electric_Tampons
"Ick. I think ESH."
"This wasn't really the right time or place, but it clearly needed to be said."
"Did you ever speak up about it while he was alive? That would have been the right time." - GoddessArtemis85
"It sounds like the family knew full well what he was like - a revolting, slimy creeper."
"'Everyone gave me a shocked look, except my younger cousins. They looked like their day just brightened up because someone finally said it. Everyone else just walked away and didn't say anything'."
"Sounds like OP confirmed what a lot of people were thinking here. It certainly doesn't sound like anyone came to his defense or didn't agree."
"'Later, my parents called me and said I was inappropriate'."
"Again, it doesn't sound like the parents disagreed. 'Inappropriate' is the highest they could put it."
"Besides, what OP said was an honest opinion in response to the uncle being painted as something he wasn't."
"For all OP knows, the uncle actually did overstep when he was alive and OP's courage to be honest in that moment will lead others to come forward about their experiences."
"NTA, just maybe a little blunt considering the setting." - cdizzle516
"Did you call out any of this behaviour when he was alive?"
"From OP's submission, he knew what was going on already. This is the line that prompted my question:"
"'They looked like their day just brightened up because someone finally said it'."
"He's so proud that he 'called out' the old guy, but couldn't be bothered to do it while the behavior was ongoing."
"Yeah, don't speak ill of the dead; do it while they're alive and actively misbehaving." - Cent1234
"NTA, it's complicated because you were at his wake and whilst many of your family didn't like him, there were some there who clearly did."
"To be honest the worst thing is (as far as I can tell) no-one stood up to him or told him off for his behaviour whilst he was alive." - PixelUnicorns
"NAH"
"The OP didn't say anything overly harsh. He didn't attack anyone there. He really didn't even attack the dead uncle."
"No one was excoriated. The comment doesn't rise to the 'don't trash the corpse at the funeral' level. Not AH behavior."
"The people who remember him fondly have fond, if incomplete, memories of their family member. They didn't say anything at the OP's comments, they didn't cause a scene, they haven't called up the OP threatening to disown him, they just walked away."
"That's also not AH behavior." - ExitingBear
"YTA. You do realize that your entire basis for this uncle of yours being a pig is pure speculation?"
"Like, 0 evidence other than things you believe you observed. The comment was an a**hole comment."
"Regardless of your true feelings you can let people try to remember someone happily. You're selfish and an AH." - Jicle123
"NTA."
"My father just passed from the pandemic, he was a physically abusive a**hole my entire childhood and teens and then I moved out of the family home."
"The domestic violence was so bad that I still can't remember some of the events that happened. Each of my siblings has filled in different gaps in my memory, each of us shares and remembers different stuff."
"In the few weeks since he's been dead one of my siblings has mentally rewritten our collective history. In separate conversations she has referred to him as a saint, a prophet, the kindest man who did no harm, you get the gist."
"Hearing him spoken about in this way has made the grieving process more difficult."
"I'm not even grieving for him, I'm grieving for the lost childhood, the emotional trauma I'm having to undo everyday for the rest of my life and the father daughter relationship I never got to have."
"I was spared having to attend his funeral because of the lockdown, but I couldn't avoid having to attend via Zoom call."
"He was not a good person, he is in fact the worst person I've ever had the misfortune of having in my life. I wanted to scream it out and let everyone know, but it's not the done thing."
"I wish someone had said something like 'it was ok not to love him because he was a shit father.' "
"Your cousin's will appreciate you validating what they couldn't articulate because of that rule that we shouldn't speak ill of the dead. You did a good thing for your cousin's, you didn't owe that sleazy uncle anything." - talkabi
Pretty much nobody was thrilled about the uncle's alleged behavior. The dividing line for readers seemed to be whether the funeral was the time to say something.
Should OP have called out what he was seeing while the uncle was alive? If he had, would his funeral comment have gotten a pass?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp