Imagine discovering a massive bombshell that reorients your understanding of the last seven years of one of your closest relationships.
That’s exactly what one Redditor just went through. She posted about it all in the “Am I the A**Hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Deep_Jackfruit9719, unveiled the truth in the post’s title.
“AITA for blowing up on my mom for lying about having cancer?”
OP kicked off with some backstory.
“Ok so this is going to sound crazy, i know. i can’t really believe it myself.”
“when i [20-year-old female] was 12, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. it was a huge shock for me and a pretty rough time.”
“my mom needed very aggressive treatment the first year (chemo and multiple surgeries), after that it got better at first, but there were still a lot of times i thought she’s not going to make it. but thank god she did!”
But there have been struggles.
“nevertheless the last 8 years have been a lot of ups and downs and there were many scares, where i thought she was going to die because the cancer came back.”
“i tried to help her where i could and even moved back in with her when the pandemic started, so she’s not alone and i could support her with houswork and other things.”
Recently, things have ramped up a bit.
“now the last few days she’s been telling me that she felt worse again and needs to go to the doctor again, as maybe her cancer got worse.”
“ususally she always makes her doctors appointments for herself and goes alone or with her best friend. i offered many times to drive her, but she said she doesn’t want me there as it would be too much of a burdon for me.”
But then OP made a discovery.
“but since the last few days she’s been feeling worse and was sleeping a lot i wanted to do her a favour and called the doctor’s office to make an appointment for her.”
“the secretary at the office got really confused and said my mom hasn’t been a patient there for 7 years.”
“i thought it has to be an error, so i spoke to the doctor on the phone and he confirmed, that he had treated my mom 8 years ago for 1 year, but she’s been in remission ever since.”
“i couldn’t believe what he said because i thought my mom hasn’t been stable in these last 7years and has never been in remission for a long time.”
then came the confrontation.
“i went to my mother and asked her about it, as i thought it has to be a misunderstanding.”
“well turns out, she’s really been in remission for 7 years now and is perfectly healthy. she just faked still having cancer the last 7 years because according to her it is her coping mechanism for almost dying.”
For OP, that was a lot to hear.
“After she told me all of that, i completly lost it.”
“i said some things i didn’t really mean and made her cry, which i now regret. but she put me through hell the last 7 years, as i thought so many times i’d loose my mom and was worried sick.”
“i mean, i get that having cancer and needing chemo is very traumatic, but i don’t think it’s an excuse to lie 7 years about it to your own child!”
“and i don’t really know how to proceed with our relationship from this point on.”
“there’s just no trust anymore and i feel kind of robbed of 7 years of my childhood, because it was all on me to care for her (my father left before i was born and i have no close relatives).”
Once Redditors’ feedback began to come in, OP felt the need to clarify a couple things.
“to all people asking about HIPPA violation: my mom singned a document (not a release that expires, but a patient decree that is valid until you change smth, revoke it or die), which states that the doctors are allowed to discuss medical info with me.”
“(i have the same thing for my mom, that the doctors can discuss my medical info with her, i probably should change that now). i don’t even know if these things exist in the US, but i live in Europe so there are probably some differences.”
OP expanded on those details.
also, the doctor can access my moms file digitally when i give him her health insurance number. the file can be updated by all doctors she goes to (she went to her primary care doctor for check ups). that’s why the doctor was so surprised i asked for an urgent appointment, because in his file it was noted that my mom was in remission for 7years.”
“(it’s also noted in the file, that i’m allowed to recieve medical info). i don’t know if the doctor made a mistake by telling me this on the phone without identifictaion…”
“….i haven’t really thought about that, but he did call my mom a lot of times do discuss some test results when she actually was sick, and she never had to identify herself. (or maybe telling them her health insurance number was enough of identification? i really don’t know)”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors totally understood why OP was so angry.
“NTA. This is a huge form of betrayal and manipulation. There is literally no excuse to pretend you are on the verge of dying for 7 years, and she likely did this for the attention. A coping mechanism? Unlikely.”
“I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. You might want to consider going NC for a while and letting all of these emotions you’re rightfully feeling work themselves through.” — Warriormuffinhed
“Its like saying coping with the war is to have your room filled with guns. I feel like your mom had more motives than just a ‘coping mechanism.’ I see a lot of ways she could have used her fake cancer to manipulate you, and take advantage of other people.”
“NTA OP, for 7 years she lied straight to your face and made you worry like hell.” — RatPoisonCupcake
“NTA- Your mom’s siituation is light-years beyond Reddit’s paygrade. She needs a therapist ASAP. Like none of what you’ve just said indicates that she is okay mentally even though her cancer is in remission.”
“You are totally okay to be pi**ed about being lied to like that. You made major life decisions to take care of your mother, to be sure you were supportive and there for her… Only to find out that she’s been lying to you about what’s going on for seven long years.”
“You may also need some therapy. Not because you’re wrong but because that is damaging as hell to go through and you deserve space to be angry and sad, and yes happy your mom doesn’t have cancer but deeply upset about the way you’ve been manipulated and lied to.” — JetItTogether
“NTA Wow. I’m a little bit at a loss for words with this story. I’m sorry your mom did that to you.”
“She sounds like she needs to talk to someone about this to get a better coping strategy.” — theonlycreepycat
“There is no scenario here where you can be TA. This is wild to say the least. I can’t even imagine telling a lie that big for so long. You should probably post in another sub for advice because this is insane Obvs NTA” — PeachNena
But while OP can apparently rest assured that her outlook is rational given the circumstances, we do hope that things between her and her mother improve after the dust settles .