Empty nesters—parents whose children have left home—often downsize afterward.
Who needs extra bedrooms anymore?
But for people who don't, those extra rooms can be repurposed into home offices or hobby/craft rooms.
But what happens when they have houseguests?
A father who repurposed the guest room and his daughter's empty bedroom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his daughter came to visit.
LoveAndHappiness75 asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my daughter's fiancé stay in our guest room because I use it for my hobby?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (49, male) might be in the wrong here, but I honestly don't think I am, and would love to hear outside perspectives. I'm French, and I grew up in a large family."
"I learned English when I came to the U.S. when I was eighteen, so I sometimes make mistakes with some words. Sorry for the inconvenience!"
"I often slept on sofa beds, in places that weren't designed to host guests. There's also less guest rooms in French houses, generally speaking. I don't think that there's a major difference besides that."
"My daughter (23, female) got engaged recently and came to visit us with her fiancé (24, male). We live a few states away, so I get that traveling is tiring, but we were happy to host for the weekend."
"Now, I've had my guest room set up for my miniature Wargaming for the past few years. It's my space, where I go to decompress after work, and it's honestly the only spot in the house that's fully mine."
"The hobby 'took over' the room quite recently, and the situation of having houseguests didn't present until now."
"There are three bedrooms (the shared office was originally one), a large living room, a kitchen, a sunroom, two bathrooms, a basement and a dining room."
"I have Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) so I sometimes need to lay down while working on my figures, and the king size bed was already there. We just moved it to the corner of the room recently."
"My wife has the sunroom, and the rest of the house is kind of communal. I've got thousands of dollars of models in there, custom terrain, a 3D printer setup, etc... It's not just a hobby, it's an investment, and frankly, a form of art."
"Anyway, when they arrived, I had the office couch made up for them, pull-out, memory foam, decent blanket, very clean. My daughter seemed fine with it, but her fiancé kind of made a face and later asked why they couldn't just sleep in the guest room."
"I told him plainly it wasn't available because it's not a guest room anymore. It's my studio."
"Later that night, my daughter confronted me privately and said I was being selfish and ridiculous and that it's just for two nights. She said they felt unwelcome and like I was prioritizing plastic figurines over family."
"I told her that's not fair, they have a place to sleep. It's not like I made them sleep on the floor."
"Now my wife is giving me the cold shoulder and said I could have just packed it up for a weekend, but again, it's not like these are toys you throw in a box. Some of them are fragile. Some are half-painted."
"I don't want to spend days reorganizing and then undoing all that work just because they didn't like the sleep setup."
"They left a day early, and now I'm getting texts from my daughter about how I chose my hobby over her happiness, which just seems dramatic to me."
"I might be the a**hole because maybe I could've moved some stuff around for a few nights, but I really don't think it's fair to expect me to dismantle my entire setup just because someone didn't want to sleep on a perfectly good pull-out."
"I have a right to my space too, right?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I might be an a**hole because I don't want to strain my relationship with my daughter, and she seems really angry, and she's often quite right."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors had mixed reactions to the OP's situation.
"NTA. They had a designated place to sleep. A pullout couch may not be glamorous, but it is a valid sleeping arrangement."
"Expecting you to dismantle your personal space, even temporarily, shows a lack of respect for boundaries. You offered a solution, they just didn't like it."
"Your wife has a sunroom that's recognized as her space. The guest room is where you unwind and work on your miniatures, it's yours."
"In my home, my husband and I each have designated areas. We have two matching 'c' shaped desks and chairs on either side of the wall. One side of our room is pink, and the other black."
"Even though we share everything else, those personal spaces are important for our mental well-being. My side of the room is my safe haven for when I'm anxious or overwhelmed, and his is where he decompresses after a long day."
"It's about more than just 'stuff', it's about feeling like you have a corner of the world that's yours. It's perfectly fair to want to preserve that, especially when you already made arrangements to accommodate your daughter and her boyfriend."
"Wanting more comfort doesn't make them wrong for asking, but getting upset that you didn't inconvenience yourself further crosses a line."
"It's your house. Your space. They had somewhere perfectly fine to sleep."
"I'd never ask for more, even from my Dad, when visiting when someone has already gone out of the way for me. It's rude." ~ Ill_Painting9442
"NAH. I think reasonable people can disagree about who's right and wrong here."
"What's really important is what happens next. This is presumably the first of many visits from your daughter and her partner (and maybe eventually grandchildren)."
"Your daughter, her fiance, and your wife are all annoyed by the room arrangements this trip, and your daughter and her fiance cut their visit short."
"So how do you want to handle it? If I were you, I'd sit down with your wife and come up with a plan you can both live with to ensure that overnight guests in your home feel comfortable and welcome." ~ Dazzling_Suspect_239
"YTA. You made them sleep on a pullout couch when there was a perfectly usable king-size bed going unused."
"My husband is in the middle of painting his first 40k army, so I get it. It can be a lot. But you still need to balance it with your interpersonal connections."
"You likely just assured that your daughter will deprioritize spending time with you."
"Be prepared for the fact that she'll likely spend time with her in-laws over you and your wife on holidays, since you lack the care to make them comfortable. Also be prepared that that fact is going to make your wife resentful of you."
"I couldn't imagine putting a hobby before my kids being comfortable." ~ Hot_Store4097
"NTA. You have a space setup for hobbys, and I know what that looks like as I have a similar hobby, but not the room."
"Putting everything away when you have hundreds of figures, some of which it sounds like are being painted, along with paints, and a 3D printer ... that's not a small ask."
"I have been the boyfriend coming over to meet parents. In a house like you have, and actually in general, I would have gotten a hotel room."
"That way, I could have done a visit and had someplace quiet to go and sleep. It would be showing respect to you, regardless of your house setup."
"It sounds like this is a case of 'oh, look at this guy's silly hobby!'. It's something that's pretty common."
"I have had some relationships with parents with hobbies I don't share, and I was always polite and didn't complain. Any time you plan on having a long-term relationship with someone, you would be wise to not complain and be insulting to them."
"So even though it looks like the consensus is going to be that you should have packed up your stuff and deferred to your future son-in-law's wishes, I'll say it: NTA. And next time, have them get a hotel." ~ cibman
"YTA. The 'guestroom' has a king-sized bed that you do let other guests use, and it's far enough away from your projects that they don't damage them."
"And let's be honest here, you could put away a lot of that for the weekend and drag it out the next week. Those of us who do war gaming or painting models/minis understand there's always too many projects out at once."
"It would have been one thing if there was no room in the guestroom, if the bed was small or not present, or if it was in use as a bedroom by someone else (some married couples sleep apart for reasons)."
"If it was really a studio, you'd not have a bed in there, especially a KING-SIZED BED. You'd have a couch (at best for your naps), or some comfy recliners, and the rest should be shelves, table space, and storage."
"My mom has turned their guestroom into a private office, and the first thing to go was the double bed they had in there, and she replaced it with more storage for her crafts. Now it makes sense that it's not a place for sleeping because there's no bed in there at all."
"But you just didn't want your private room let out to your daughter and her fiancé. That's a real d*ck move. Your daughter is correct: you chose your hobby and personal feelings over her happiness and comfort."
"Look, you have a right to your space, sure, but not when guests come over that you invite to stay the weekend. As a host, you have an obligation to provide them with the best you can, and that includes letting them use your mancave with a king-sized bed instead of a pull-out couch in an office space."
"You should apologize to both of them." ~ Kiyohara
"NTA from me, he has thousands of dollars worth of stuff, and it's not like it takes 5 minutes for him to pack and unpack."
"Also the fiancé seems rude as hell, no one in this family seems to respect his hobby and his space. What happens if they stay there and stuff gets messed up?"
"What are the chances that the fiancé will own up to it? Figures are delicate, and so is the printer. All it takes is 1 'oops,' and it's weeks' worth of hassle/thousands of dollars. NTA." ~ ImanormalBoi
Maybe a hotel is best.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp