Many people unfortunately go through a terrible transition with their families when they come out about their sexual orientation.
But even some who think everything is okay will discover judgments lurk beneath the surface, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Holigaythrowagay realized at this year's family Christmas party how his aunt really felt about his homosexuality when he shared the truth with his young cousin, her daughter.
When he was pressured to take this information back, the Original Poster (OP) began to question how his family really felt.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my seven-year-old cousin that I'm gay at the Christmas party?"
The OP had very few problems in his family regarding his sexual orientation.
"I'm (19 Male) super gay. I've been out publicly for four years now but to be honest, it wasn't hard for anyone to tell before that."
"My family has all been chill about it and I never had any issues dealing with homophobia."
"Well, almost no issues. My mom's brother and his wife give me the 'that's nice' while trying so, so hard to force a smile whenever it's brought up."
"It's not so much my uncle as it is my aunt. She's super Catholic. And super Irish. That's about all the details I'll give here."
An issue arose at the family Christmas party this year.
"We have Christmas with my mom's side the weekend before each year, and this year I was sitting next to my brother and sister-in-law's seven-year-old daughter."
"My other cousin was there with his girlfriend. He's my age."
"My little cousin says in her adorable seven-year-old voice to me, 'Why don't you have a 'gillfwend' like my brother?'"
"Honestly without really thinking anything of it, I said, 'I won't ever have a girlfriend. I like boys. I'm gay.'"
"Cue the hardcore stare from my aunt while my uncle tried to tell a story to distract her."
The OP was later called out by his family.
"It didn't start a big fight then and there, but today, I heard all about how my aunt called my mom and really gave it to her."
"She said I had zero right to tell their daughter what gay was. They're the parents and they will decide when she can know about it. Etc."
"After my mom told me all this, I questioned why they need to be secretive about it. I asked if they think it's shameful."
"Mom assured me no, but they claim that 'as parents, it's up to us to teach our child about that.'"
The situation continued to escalate.
"My uncle has since called me, basically begging 'for his sake' to call my aunt and apologize, and to, GET THIS, try to walk back the comment next time I see my cousin!"
"He's giving me the, 'You know how she is, just apologize so she can stop annoying me about it.'"
"So Reddit, am I the a**hole for doing this?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were all for the OP being honest about his orientation.
"NTA. You just said I like boys and not girls. Nothing complicated or inappropriate about that."
"I'm calling homophobia on the aunt." - clutteredshovel
"You've got a healthy mentality and have nothing to worry about but the bigots like your aunt. Be the guncle (my niece's term for her other uncle who is gay and a bro to all) your niece deserves, and apparently needs to balance out the bigotry she gets." - GenitalFurbies
"NTA. It isn't bad for the child to know you as your authentic self. If your aunt can't handle you being authentic, she is the AH."
"Both of my girls are gay, and they wore suits and ties to a family wedding because pretty much everyone in that family is like your aunt. I was proud of them for having that strength."
"I hope your mom doesn't try to get you to backpedal or apologize." - deaprofessor
"I'm sorry she's like that with you."
"My Gramma was Irish Catholic and born in 1910. Her best friend was a lesbian and she had no trouble explaining to me when I was maybe 4 (1985) that Aunt Alice didn't have a husband because she liked ladies. It wasn't confusing for me at all and I learned very early that love is love."
"You are NTA and deserve all the love and support." - menabella
"Hi, fellow queer and many other letters under the rainbow. My cousin asked me a similar question a few years ago when he was about ten. Can't remember the exact conversation but here's the gist:"
"Me: I'm not interested in boys. I like girls."
"Him: looks confused."
"Me: Could you imagine yourself kissing a boy?"
"Him: Ew, no!"
"Me: Me neither."
"Him: Oh OK! That makes sense."
"That's literally all it is to it. Kids are surprisingly receptive and understanding to this, and you definitely explained it in an easy way to understand."
"NTA, OP. Your aunt is a homophobe and is the one who should apologize. Keep being you!" - cheddarnatasha
"My daughter at eight years old told me she's not going to marry, she is going to live with her female best friend and breed cats when she's older."
"I was like, 'But... You're allergic to cats?!'"
"She answered, 'They'll have breeds I'm not allergic to by then!'"
"Maybe she wants a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or both. Or neither. Or both and neither at the same time, ain't my place to tell her."
"I'm queer myself. She has like three men she calls stepdad. And one of them on her biological father's side."
"I think the Aunt would get a heart attack by all the gay energy in our household." - Gold-Carpenter7616
Others agreed and were actively side-eyeing the OP's aunt.
"As an Irish person, I just want to say f**k your aunt, she doesn't speak for all Irish people, we're not all homophobes. She's well behind the times anyway, Irish people voted to allow gay marriage some years back so she can't hide her bigotry behind that." - bibliophile14
"Ah, I see, her faith dictates judging others, holding onto petty grudges and anger, disrespecting family behind their backs, creating discord because someone was honest to a child about a non-issue with age-appropriate language, and lying to children when you don't want to talk about a subject."
"She's doing a great job representing Catholicism and Christ-like love. NTA." - driedoldbones
"Hey, Irish here. My mom is super faithful (reads at mass on a weekly basis and has done so for 30+ years, etc.). She also has zero percent problem with anyone's sexual orientation and has stepped in on multiple occasions to go to bat for kids where she teaches getting bullied for this and gender identity reasons."
"Your aunt is full of it. NTA." - Atlanteanson
"It's so stupid of the aunt as well because you can't hide your child from facts. You can try as hard as you like in your own house but it doesn't matter because the world still exists. There could be kids at school with same-sex parents." - BritishHobo
"NTA. It's homophobic to think that gayness is an inherently mature or adult topic. If the kid knows boys sometimes have girlfriends, it's very reasonable for them to know that some boys have boyfriends instead."
"'I like boys' is a very age-appropriate way of saying you're gay."
"If the kid had followed up with, 'How does that work,' and you'd gone into sex details, it would have been as inappropriate as giving her the birds and the bees about straight sex, but you didn't. I'm sorry that she can't understand." - EliannaRys
"Funnily enough, your niece probably would have been like 'okay,' and changed the subject anyway because kids don't dwell on things for very long. Like she's curious. Kids ask questions and 'I like boys' is a totally normal, fair response."
"The problem is that your aunt thinks 'I'm gay' is exactly the same as telling her seven-year-old your wildest sex fantasies in graphic detail."
"She doesn't recognize the legitimacy of non-straight relationships so it's a 'kink' or 'perversion' to her. She can get f**ked, and your uncle's the one who married her. He can deal with her homophobia." - sukinsyn
"It is perfectly age-appropriate for any child to know about orientation. Aunt is a bigot, and there's no other way around it. You don't have to navigate that. If she wants to sulk, she can sulk."
"Tell uncle his wife is a bigot, you don't have to deal with that, and he should get his wife under control at family functions or not bring her."
"You're not being inappropriate by being out and gay. Being gay is not disgusting to children, and she is horrible for suggesting that." - Agreeable-Celery811
The subReddit was supportive of how the OP had handled the situation and how he simply explained his preferences to his niece, who would have likely found out about the LGBTQ+ community soon anyway, though likely not because of her mother.
They were upset, however, that the family was not as accepting of the OP as he had once believed. With his aunt behaving in such a problematic way, her husband wanting to appease her, and their daughter being raised by them, there were at least a few less-than-welcoming members of the OP's family tree.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp