Friendships, unlike romantic relationships, shouldn’t be complicated.
An LGBTQ+ man realized where he stood when a straight friend for whom he had repeatedly done favors snubbed him from a major life event.
When the so-called friend suddenly reached out for another favor, our Redditor responded in a way that caused disappointment.
Seeking judgment from strangers online for his actions, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor EntertainerKey8563 asked:
“AITA for refusing to help a friend who didn’t invite me to their wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For about 11 years now, I’ve (37 M[ale]) been pretty close with [let’s call him] John (38 M[ale]). We met at a job in my mid 20s and were pretty regular company up until the pandemic, where our hanging out (including a circle of mutual friends) has taken a decline but isn’t extinct.”
“John and his partner [let’s call her] Jane (36 F[female]) have been together for about 8 years now, engaged for a little under 2 years, both with a child from previous relationships, so they have taken trips with their kids near-yearly, and I’ve been happy to help visit John’s (now their) home and check on things, take care of their animals, etc while they’re gone.”
“I’ve helped them out with other projects/tasks over the years and most recently picked up Jane from the airport returning from a work-trip and got her home this past winter during a snowstorm because my vehicle could handle it. Generally, I have been present and helpful on top of our base friendship.”
The OP continued:
“About 5 weeks ago, I find out from a mutual friend their wedding is coming up, and invites went out a while ago, everyone in our circle but me invited. As a gay guy, I’ve experienced being iced-out of some of my straight friends’ lives and events in ways minor and pronounced, but this one has definitely been something that has had me thinking about my time and energy with people. I decided I would take the hint and begin to distance myself.”
“Three days ago, John texts me asking if I am around in early-to-mid August. I say I am. John asks if I wouldn’t mind visiting like I have before to look after the animals and property, I said ‘sorry, I can’t.’ He calls to talk about it.”
“We run through the same conversation, polite but a bit tense, so I finally say ‘I just won’t be visiting your home.’ After a moment of silence, I bring up that I’m disappointed that I appear to be the only person in our group of friends not invited to his wedding, and that I can’t be helping like I have before if I’m just a background friend at this point.”
“I wrap up the call positively and sincerely with me wishing them a good wedding and trip, and that maybe we can grab drinks soon.”
The OP later discovered the consequences of his previous conversation with “John.”
“Jane reaches out two days ago sending follow up texts saying John is upset about what I said and with her because she made the final calls about friend invites, and that I am taking this the wrong way, there is only so much capacity and that the others in our friend group have partners that took up space.”
“She adds that she hopes I’ll change my mind and help out them out because it would put John’s mind at ease.”
“I’m not entitled to the company of others or invitations to anybody’s events, but am I wrong for setting my own boundaries in response to theirs?”
“I try not to frame my friendships as transactional, but they obviously want something out of me here despite their not inviting me and then avoiding even bringing it up with me until they needed help with covering their honeymoon.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
‘Jane reaches out two days ago sending follow up texts saying John is upset about what I said and with her because she made the final calls about friend invites, and that I am taking this the wrong way, there is only so much capacity and that the others in our friend group have partners that took up space.’
“What a bogus excuse. If your ‘friends’ need someone to check up on their animals and property when they are on their honeymoon after a wedding you weren’t invited to they can ask another friend or family member.”
“The audacity of some people astounds me. I am believer in putting the same energy into a friendship as you experience.” – Peony-Pony
“I don’t pretend to be super savvy about wedding etiquette and I realize every wedding is different and lines have to be drawn about who can come or not, but yeah, my mutual friend reaching out to me to coordinate plans for our friend group during the weekend of the wedding to find out I wasn’t invited definitely stung and felt awkward, and my friend was in disbelief as well.” – OP
“You were measured in your response and polite. You wished them well and suggested you meet for drinks in the future. It should have been the end of it. Miss Thing reaching out and asking you to reconsider to put the groom’s mind at ease is beggars belief.” – Peony-Pony
“It’s absolutely wild to me that you’d look at a list of potential wedding guests and go ‘this guy here, the one who always helps us out with anything we ask, including picking me up from the airport in a snowstorm not too long ago, we’re not inviting him. But we’ll still expect him to help us out while we’re on our honeymoon.’ ”
“Who does that? And to then tell him he’s taking it the wrong way, like they expect him to believe they consider him good enough to be invited to their wedding when he is not, in fact, invited to their wedding.”
“From John’s reaction, and the fact Jane made the ‘final’ decision on the guest list, I almost find myself wondering if John realised OP wasn’t invited. Either way, the audacity on the pair of them is next level.” – Outrageous-Ad-9635
“Yes, it is in no way OP’s responsibility to “put John’s mind at ease”. It doesn’t matter who made the final decision, they are both on the hook for it. They have shown OP how little he means to them, he is wise to limit any future investment in this relationship.” – Outrageous-Ad-9635
“John’s mind could be put at ease by paying a pet sitter, instead of taking constant advantage of a friend. How offensive and entitled these two sound – the kind of people who say ‘it doesn’t hurt to ask’ when in fact it does. At least, it hurts the person you asked, the OP, who is caring enough to wonder if He perhaps offended. They’re the AHs here.” – thimbleshanks59
“You are someone I would love to have as a friend, and I would have reacted the same way you did (although probably not so graciously, since I can be a hot head)”
“In my opinion, proper wedding etiquette, is that you invite circles. There’s the close family circle, extended family circle, close friend circle etc. Not inviting you as the only person from the friend circle, is not ok. It will most likely cause some kind of rift between the members of the group.”
“As for Jane’s excuse about capacity, that honestly shouldn’t be an issue. Always make the list of invites before booking a venue. But at least you can throw it back at her, that you only have so much capacity to help other people, and you are fully booked those weeks. As for putting John at ease, that’s her job now.” – CrazySeacreature
“NTA. This sounds like a really one sided friendship and that they are taking your friendship for granted. Why would you keep putting time and energy into them?” – Handknitmittens
“Like I said, we’ve been pretty close up until now, and I’ve happened to have the availability when they need it often enough where we’ve been close enough before that I didn’t mind or feel taken advantage of.”
“John’s helped me as well in the past, and try not to hold other people’s lives and familial commitments against them, but I was trying to paint a concise picture (given the character limit) of being (I thought) close.”
“This situation, like I said, definitely changed my perspective given the other friends invited, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t making their wedding about me. They approached me after excluding me. So far people seem to agree, which I’m relieved about.” – OP
“NTA. You’re good enough to be their house sitter. But sure, everyone else’s “plus one” took up all the slots. Right. And I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale.”
“We all know what Jane’s issue is. And we know John has zero backbone for going along with it.”
“But don’t be surprised if an invite suddenly appears. ‘Oh, look, someone dropped out and we really do want you to come. You’re only on our D-list. Don’t forget the gift! And you can still watch the house now, right?’ “ – FuzzyMom2005
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was not in the wrong for declining John’s request to help him after notably omitted him from the wedding list.
They thought that John reaching out to the OP only when he needed something was telling and audacious.
In an update that included a link, the OP wrote:
“Yesterday afternoon, a few days after John made the initiating contact that led to this altercation, he reached out by text telling me the following: ‘I want to take you up on that drink tomorrow if possible, and I want to apologize for my royal fuckups in person.’ I agreed to meet.”
“After we kicked off with a round of shots John’s first line was that he failed me as a friend in this situation. With non-family invites, Jane apparently seemed very preoccupied with a philosophy of “couples over singles” at the wedding, and he had previously voiced that he felt it was exclusionary and silly, but I guess Jane prioritized couples on the first round of friend-invites and told John that it will be easier to fit in others after receiving RSVPs.”
“John backed out and says he felt that going along with her initial plan of inviting the rest of our circle (who are, god bless them, coupled up), and not me, and had faith the rsvp thing would materialize. She ended up using the bit of space to plug in some more family.”
“John admitted he basically folded and felt ashamed enough that he could not find a way to tell me. He knew reaching out to me about that favor was a risk but took it anyways because he wanted someone he could trust, and my response was a materialization of everything he feared would happen, and in his words, deservedly so.”
“He told me a wedding should be a gathering of your family and company who have been a part of your lives and who you want to be part of your lives, and I fit that bill to him by any measure. He, trying to accurately paraphrase, said I’ve done more than most of the people on the guest list for him and his family over their relationship, including help making memories with trip coverages and helping build their back-deck with him to share meals and host events over the last 6 years.”
“He got visibly upset when he said (with the shot and the drinks we were sipping on kicking in) that he can’t believe Jane even considered holding my single/dating status against me after I got her home safely during a snowstorm earlier this year, and that he did not more adamantly confront that bullshit reasoning the instant she voiced it. He is even more pissed for Jane reaching out to me in the manner she did after my original phone call with him.”
“John acknowledged it would come off as hollow at this point, but after a few “exchanges” with Jane said there would be no more nonsense and I would at least get a proper invite and +1 if I wanted, and they would make it work if it was even desired by me at this point.”
“He said he is not going to try to do panicked damage control but will be upfront with our circle (one has already dropped the wedding and I guess another couple has said something else, by his reporting) like he was with me for his faults, because he and Jane deserve the blowback and he needs to earn trust back, if it’s at all possible. He has also made it Jane’s problem to find a friend who can come out 9 days in a row to care for the home and pets. With a smirk, he said she’s having a hard time securing it, and may likely have to hire help.”
“I told John I really appreciated his owning up to this, and it was good to see the friend I had shine through here. I told him that I have always appreciated him and Jane’s friendship, so it hurt when I was excluded and not even addressed, I felt that close enough anyways, and I obviously don’t mean to complicate his wedding, I’ve always thought him and Jane were great for each other (earnestly), I have supported them as best as I can, and I’ve been confused about what I have done or haven’t done to be iced out.”
“I also admitted it’s hard to trust Jane again if she has been weighing the validity of my presence based on my relationship status, and added (with some humor) it’s not like I haven’t been trying and you guys haven’t met some of my previous long-term partners. He said he doesn’t get it either, and she has at least one good friend who is single that she may have burned a bridge with as well over the wedding philosophy she had.”
“I said the friendship is going to be changed and informed by this, at least very different for a while, and I know that you and Jane had a disagreement leading to this but that I hope that the wedding goes on to be a good celebration. I informed him it feels best to take a pass on the invitation, but he said if there was a change of mind, up to the last minute, to let him know, which was kind and he wasn’t desperate/pushy about it.”
“John said the fault is his for not stepping up on my behalf, that he is sorry, and while he feels (I wouldn’t expect otherwise, and I agree) he is very lucky to have her in his life and thinks their marriage is a positive development for them, he even told her this whole situation will have him questioning and second-guessing her judgment on social matters with his friends for the foreseeable future. By his reporting, but a credit to their relationship, this was quite a blow to her to hear from him but one she accepted and apologized for after their argument(s) about the subject.”
“Before we parted ways in the parking lot, we gave each other a bro-hug, and John’s voice broke a bit when he said he is sorry one last time, and I think mine did too when I forgave him. It was legitimately surprising and therapeutic to have John be so frank and accountable, but not unlike the friend I’ve known for most of my adult life. It was bittersweet, being all-things-considered a makeup but also a breakup of sorts to what was previously an unquestioned and assumed strong trust and camaraderie. Maybe we can get there again. It seems possible, and it’d be nice.”
“I’m sitting here after weeks of big feelings stewing on a different shade of big boy feelings now. Thanks for processing with me, reddit.”
“A lot of people had good things on the range of the spectrum to share with me, and I’ve done my best to respond to people without getting too consumed and doing other things that need to be done.”
“I was happy for John to talk with me. Maybe commenters are right and they see me as something else than I thought we were as friends. And maybe I’ve got some work to do to assert myself, and that I have been a doormat up to this point.”
“I know I’ve got some soulsearching to do about me as a person and how I see myself with John and Jane, and maybe my other friendships as well. This relationship felt a lot closer and authentic in a different time, but its hard to paint a fuller picture of that after a situation like this. Things change.”
“As tempting as it is to accept the invitation and be there for John, I think I trust my instinct to let this be, and if John meant what he said (and if Jane comes around), they’ll make the effort to follow up. I will be putting some distance for a while, and time will tell. I’m glad we got a chance to talk, because if it is the end, I feel good about giving him a chance to own it, and as I’ve gotten older I appreciate the hard work of taking on uncomfortable stuff.”
“I made some plans for that weekend with a couple other friends which I’m looking forward to.”
“I find repeated updates on an initial post a bit messy and tacky, so if anyone wants my thoughts on particulars just click my profile and look at my comments/responses.”
“Thanks for words and insights, Reddit.”
Reddit was pretty clear! The audacity of some people to expect everything and give nothing, especially something as little as an invitation.