Platonic, opposite-sex friendships are totally normal and healthy, and for some people, they're the best friendships they'll ever have.
But they can be really hard for a partner to accept, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor PearCool6017 learned just how hard a fellow woman could take her relationship with her life-long best friend when it was time to pick costumes for Halloween.
But with the new girlfriend called her friends for backup, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for matching Halloween costumes with my friend despite his girlfriend asking me not to?"
The OP's life-long best friend recently started dating someone new.
"I (21 Female) have been friends with 'Josh' (21 Male) since we were kids. Our moms were friends growing up and we were pretty much raised together."
"We have continued to stay best friends through all these years, and both attend the same college."
"A year ago, Josh started seeing a girl, 'Lydia' (21 Female), and it eventually developed into a relationship. They have been officially dating for six months."
"I never met her when they were just talking because he didn't know where the relationship was going and obviously the times they were hanging out, it was a no-clothes party, and I didn't want to be a c**k block."
It was clear early on the girlfriend was not supportive of their friendship.
"When they did start dating, he introduced us as soon as possible, because I'm his best friend."
"At first, I thought it was just shyness because I am a close friend of his, so you obviously want to get along with your partner's friend, but it became clear very quickly that she just had a problem with our friendship."
"This past Saturday there was a Halloween party at our friend's place."
"Lydia was bringing a friend and told Josh that she and her friend would be doing a matching costume."
"So, Josh asked me if we wanted to do a costume together. We decided to go as Steve and Robin from 'Stranger Things.'"
Josh's girlfriend came up with a new plan after that.
"I guess on Friday he told her this was happening and suddenly her tune changed, and she wanted to do a couple's costume."
"He saw what she was doing and told her no."
"So, she then texted me, asking if I would change my costume. I said no because I already spent my money and didn't know If I could return it. Plus, I'd have to scramble for another costume."
"All of a sudden, I started getting SPAMMED from random numbers (probably her friends) calling me all sorts of names."
"The whole time Saturday, she was sulking, and one of her friends seemed to be consoling her the whole night. It just felt awkward."
"Josh is telling me we didn't do anything wrong, but I feel like he's biased because he's my friend."
"I want a third party's opinion. AITA?"
"Also, I don't plan on telling him about the texts. None of them were malicious or scary, just mean-spirited. I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that this was a random act that was totally out of her typical character."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP would be wrong to not share the text messages with her friend.
"NTA."
"I hope he knows about her friends and their bullying. Blowing up your phone like that… That is unacceptable!"
"Also, show him this thread if you can. Everyone is on the money with her being jealous and having double standards, as well as not being accepting of you as his best friend." - Ancient_TeacherMom20
"NTA."
"Also, tell him about the texts."
"None of this,'I won't do it because they weren't too bad' bull s**t."
"She got her friends to harass you."
"She will never approve of your friendship."
"She is overly jealous and childish in an effort to manipulate him into feeling guilty."
"He would want to know."
"Do it before he gets too serious." - Status-Pattern7539
"NTA."
"'I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that this was a random act that was totally out of her typical character.'"
"Don't. She'll see this as you being compliant to her bulls**ttery and come back harder the next time something happens that she doesn't like." - TinyManatees
"NTA, ummmmm, she called in a bunch of random strangers, gave them all your number, and had them all harass you because she's possessive over a guy who she's been in a relationship with for less than a year?"
"I think you need to let go of this being about costumes, and about the fact that this gal rustled up a posse, and gave them your contact information entirely for all of those people to harass you."
"Even if she did have some sort of divine claim to Josh where his sentence no longer matters because he decided to date her, there's a real issue here with the fact that she got people together to bully you."
"You should talk about this with Josh and question whether or not he's going to stay in a relationship with someone who is willing to harass you and get other people together to harass you. Cuz it's not right." - JCBashBash
"Well, here comes the old woman."
"NTA."
"She's out of line and immature. She's also vindictive as can be. Honey, you need to tell him about the texts."
"If she didn't instigate it, then one of her friends did. But if she did, do you want this dear friend hooked up for life with a woman who hates you just because you're his friend, who has her friends sending horrible messages?"
"He's your friend. Don't even say you think it's her. In front of her, tell him about the texts and let her hear his opinion of who would do such a thing." - Misty-Far
Others thought this sounded like a typical jealous girlfriend.
"NTA. She seems jealous of your close relationship with your friend. Your relationship sounds clearly platonic, especially considering you went as Steve and Robin from 'Stranger Things' for Halloween."
"However, one thing I would consider is, even though you two have been friends for a long time, displaying that close relationship to a new partner could potentially invoke feelings of jealousy."
"It seems alarming to me that she has other people calling to harass you about it, so some personality issues may have been brought to his attention early on, so maybe it helped him dodge a bullet."
"I would try to take a back seat approach with your friend when either one of you gets into a new relationship." - ooohSHINEY
"Well, Josh is right, you guys didn't do anything wrong, she just sounds immature. If telling Josh she and her friend were planning costumes together as a test to see if he would recommend doing a couples costume, she should have just outright asked instead of playing games."
"Otherwise, if she can't accept that you two are good friends, which I admit would possibly be a hard pill for the girlfriend to swallow depending on how you two act around her, their relationship just isn't going to last long unless she comes to terms with you two."
"What you don't want is her actively excluding you from his life out of jealousy, she sounds kinda toxic already but that's what you need to watch out for. Luckily Josh sounds like he is level-headed." - Gideonn1021
"NTA."
"I feel like there'll always be that stigma attached to best friends of the opposite sex and their significant others will always assume there is something more. It's SO clear you and Josh are platonic, dressing up as Steve and Robin!!??? C'mon bro, they're textbook besties."
"Lydia sounds insanely insecure and comes off as a mean girl bully. Sending your number to her friends so they could attack you??? What a loser, bro. Tell Josh to keep an eye out because she seems vindictive." - homemadecustard
"Honey, mean texts are malicious. Most likely, she is toxic to your best friend and jealous, or he is toxic in private, so she is toxic in public type of thing."
"I'm not gonna pry, because I could be wrong, but if you feel for whatever reason he is being biased, you could be right but on a deeper level now what her friends did was wrong, and possibly her if she told them to do it or if it's just her with burner accounts/phones, but I'm saying kind of mostly NTA."
"100% but the situation feels weird. It could be her, but I have a feeling this type of situation is gonna go somewhere to where you might end up being TA, because that's how it happens most of the time unless you aren't toxic." - Brilliant_Fee6380
"So SHE said she's doing a matching costume with a girlfriend and not her SO (significant other)."
"Then HE calls you and is like, 'This is what's up,' and you go, 'Oh no, it ain't,' and do a matching costume."
"Then DAYS before the party, she is like, 'Oh no. How could he dare do a matching costume with his girl-friend.'"
"AND THEN she tries to pull the girlfriend card (with no matching costume idea to do with 'Josh')."
"AND THEN she sics all her friends (who you probably never heard of or met a day in your life) on you, THUS MEANING that she's giving your number out to relative strangers, if not complete strangers."
"AND THEN SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD EVERYONE YOU'D DO?"
"Next time, go as something 'deemed a couples costume' like a PB & J sammich or something and be like, 'Well... You didn't learn your lesson last time. Time to be put in YOUR place. Calm down, because the only one freaking out is you.'"
"AND YOU?"
"YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ASK IF YOU'RE AN AH?"
"NO. NO, BABY. NTA, AT ALL." - raedyn_greatdyn
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few brief updates.
"1. After reading some of your comments, I plan on telling Josh after class today when we meet up for lunch."
It was clear after telling him that more needed to be discussed.
"2. I told Josh. Of course, as many of you predicted, he is unsurprisingly really upset with her."
"3. Josh is gonna come over so we can talk about the texts more since I showed it to him very quickly because I have a lecture after lunch."
The subReddit agreed with Josh that he and the OP had done nothing wrong, especially after choosing a "couple's" costume that featured two characters who were clearly in a platonic friendship, rather than a romantic relationship that these paired costumes often insinuate.
They also agreed that Josh and the OP needed to discuss what had happened, what it meant for their friendship, and even if it was a reasonable thing for Josh to put up with in a relationship. Best case scenario, Lydia acted on impulsive jealousy, but the worst case scenario would be that she's a controlling girlfriend, prepared to distance Josh from the other people in his life, starting with his best friend.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.