Platonic, opposite-sex friendships are totally normal and healthy, and for some people, they’re the best friendships they’ll ever have.
But they can be really hard for a partner to accept, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor PearCool6017 learned just how hard a fellow woman could take her relationship with her life-long best friend when it was time to pick costumes for Halloween.
But with the new girlfriend called her friends for backup, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for matching Halloween costumes with my friend despite his girlfriend asking me not to?”
The OP’s life-long best friend recently started dating someone new.
“I (21 Female) have been friends with ‘Josh’ (21 Male) since we were kids. Our moms were friends growing up and we were pretty much raised together.”
“We have continued to stay best friends through all these years, and both attend the same college.”
“A year ago, Josh started seeing a girl, ‘Lydia’ (21 Female), and it eventually developed into a relationship. They have been officially dating for six months.”
“I never met her when they were just talking because he didn’t know where the relationship was going and obviously the times they were hanging out, it was a no-clothes party, and I didn’t want to be a c**k block.”
It was clear early on the girlfriend was not supportive of their friendship.
“When they did start dating, he introduced us as soon as possible, because I’m his best friend.”
“At first, I thought it was just shyness because I am a close friend of his, so you obviously want to get along with your partner’s friend, but it became clear very quickly that she just had a problem with our friendship.”
“This past Saturday there was a Halloween party at our friend’s place.”
“Lydia was bringing a friend and told Josh that she and her friend would be doing a matching costume.”
“So, Josh asked me if we wanted to do a costume together. We decided to go as Steve and Robin from ‘Stranger Things.'”
Josh’s girlfriend came up with a new plan after that.
“I guess on Friday he told her this was happening and suddenly her tune changed, and she wanted to do a couple’s costume.”
“He saw what she was doing and told her no.”
“So, she then texted me, asking if I would change my costume. I said no because I already spent my money and didn’t know If I could return it. Plus, I’d have to scramble for another costume.”
“All of a sudden, I started getting SPAMMED from random numbers (probably her friends) calling me all sorts of names.”
“The whole time Saturday, she was sulking, and one of her friends seemed to be consoling her the whole night. It just felt awkward.”
“Josh is telling me we didn’t do anything wrong, but I feel like he’s biased because he’s my friend.”
“I want a third party’s opinion. AITA?”
“Also, I don’t plan on telling him about the texts. None of them were malicious or scary, just mean-spirited. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that this was a random act that was totally out of her typical character.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP would be wrong to not share the text messages with her friend.
“I hope he knows about her friends and their bullying. Blowing up your phone like that… That is unacceptable!”
“Also, show him this thread if you can. Everyone is on the money with her being jealous and having double standards, as well as not being accepting of you as his best friend.” – Ancient_TeacherMom20
“Also, tell him about the texts.”
“None of this,’I won’t do it because they weren’t too bad’ bull s**t.”
“She got her friends to harass you.”
“She will never approve of your friendship.”
“She is overly jealous and childish in an effort to manipulate him into feeling guilty.”
“He would want to know.”
“Do it before he gets too serious.” – Status-Pattern7539
“‘I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that this was a random act that was totally out of her typical character.'”
“Don’t. She’ll see this as you being compliant to her bulls**ttery and come back harder the next time something happens that she doesn’t like.” – TinyManatees
“NTA, ummmmm, she called in a bunch of random strangers, gave them all your number, and had them all harass you because she’s possessive over a guy who she’s been in a relationship with for less than a year?”
“I think you need to let go of this being about costumes, and about the fact that this gal rustled up a posse, and gave them your contact information entirely for all of those people to harass you.”
“Even if she did have some sort of divine claim to Josh where his sentence no longer matters because he decided to date her, there’s a real issue here with the fact that she got people together to bully you.”
“You should talk about this with Josh and question whether or not he’s going to stay in a relationship with someone who is willing to harass you and get other people together to harass you. Cuz it’s not right.” – JCBashBash
“Well, here comes the old woman.”
“She’s out of line and immature. She’s also vindictive as can be. Honey, you need to tell him about the texts.”
“If she didn’t instigate it, then one of her friends did. But if she did, do you want this dear friend hooked up for life with a woman who hates you just because you’re his friend, who has her friends sending horrible messages?”
“He’s your friend. Don’t even say you think it’s her. In front of her, tell him about the texts and let her hear his opinion of who would do such a thing.” – Misty-Far
Others thought this sounded like a typical jealous girlfriend.
“NTA. She seems jealous of your close relationship with your friend. Your relationship sounds clearly platonic, especially considering you went as Steve and Robin from ‘Stranger Things’ for Halloween.”
“However, one thing I would consider is, even though you two have been friends for a long time, displaying that close relationship to a new partner could potentially invoke feelings of jealousy.”
“It seems alarming to me that she has other people calling to harass you about it, so some personality issues may have been brought to his attention early on, so maybe it helped him dodge a bullet.”
“I would try to take a back seat approach with your friend when either one of you gets into a new relationship.” – ooohSHINEY
“Well, Josh is right, you guys didn’t do anything wrong, she just sounds immature. If telling Josh she and her friend were planning costumes together as a test to see if he would recommend doing a couples costume, she should have just outright asked instead of playing games.”
“Otherwise, if she can’t accept that you two are good friends, which I admit would possibly be a hard pill for the girlfriend to swallow depending on how you two act around her, their relationship just isn’t going to last long unless she comes to terms with you two.”
“What you don’t want is her actively excluding you from his life out of jealousy, she sounds kinda toxic already but that’s what you need to watch out for. Luckily Josh sounds like he is level-headed.” – Gideonn1021
“I feel like there’ll always be that stigma attached to best friends of the opposite sex and their significant others will always assume there is something more. It’s SO clear you and Josh are platonic, dressing up as Steve and Robin!!??? C’mon bro, they’re textbook besties.”
“Lydia sounds insanely insecure and comes off as a mean girl bully. Sending your number to her friends so they could attack you??? What a loser, bro. Tell Josh to keep an eye out because she seems vindictive.” – homemadecustard
“Honey, mean texts are malicious. Most likely, she is toxic to your best friend and jealous, or he is toxic in private, so she is toxic in public type of thing.”
“I’m not gonna pry, because I could be wrong, but if you feel for whatever reason he is being biased, you could be right but on a deeper level now what her friends did was wrong, and possibly her if she told them to do it or if it’s just her with burner accounts/phones, but I’m saying kind of mostly NTA.”
“100% but the situation feels weird. It could be her, but I have a feeling this type of situation is gonna go somewhere to where you might end up being TA, because that’s how it happens most of the time unless you aren’t toxic.” – Brilliant_Fee6380
“So SHE said she’s doing a matching costume with a girlfriend and not her SO (significant other).”
“Then HE calls you and is like, ‘This is what’s up,’ and you go, ‘Oh no, it ain’t,’ and do a matching costume.”
“Then DAYS before the party, she is like, ‘Oh no. How could he dare do a matching costume with his girl-friend.'”
“AND THEN she tries to pull the girlfriend card (with no matching costume idea to do with ‘Josh’).”
“AND THEN she sics all her friends (who you probably never heard of or met a day in your life) on you, THUS MEANING that she’s giving your number out to relative strangers, if not complete strangers.”
“AND THEN SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD EVERYONE YOU’D DO?”
“Next time, go as something ‘deemed a couples costume’ like a PB & J sammich or something and be like, ‘Well… You didn’t learn your lesson last time. Time to be put in YOUR place. Calm down, because the only one freaking out is you.'”
“YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ASK IF YOU’RE AN AH?”
“NO. NO, BABY. NTA, AT ALL.” – raedyn_greatdyn
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few brief updates.
“1. After reading some of your comments, I plan on telling Josh after class today when we meet up for lunch.”
It was clear after telling him that more needed to be discussed.
“2. I told Josh. Of course, as many of you predicted, he is unsurprisingly really upset with her.”
“3. Josh is gonna come over so we can talk about the texts more since I showed it to him very quickly because I have a lecture after lunch.”
The subReddit agreed with Josh that he and the OP had done nothing wrong, especially after choosing a “couple’s” costume that featured two characters who were clearly in a platonic friendship, rather than a romantic relationship that these paired costumes often insinuate.
They also agreed that Josh and the OP needed to discuss what had happened, what it meant for their friendship, and even if it was a reasonable thing for Josh to put up with in a relationship. Best case scenario, Lydia acted on impulsive jealousy, but the worst case scenario would be that she’s a controlling girlfriend, prepared to distance Josh from the other people in his life, starting with his best friend.