Everyone has had the experience of having to listen to an inappropriate joke. But some jokes are so inappropriate they cross way, way over a line.
A woman on Reddit found herself dealing with the latter situation when her parademic boyfriend told a truly appalling story from her job as if it was a funny anecdote.
He got angry when she didn't laugh, so she wasn't sure about how she'd handled things. So she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by adventurous_or_bored on the site, asked:
"AITA for reacting with disgust to my boyfriend sharing an experience he had as a paramedic?"
She explained:
"Hi, I am 23f dating a 33m. I'm feeling super conflicted right now after my boyfriend just shared a story with me about an experience he had while working as a paramedic."
"Basically, he told me this with the preface that it was a funny but extremely messed up story. He has a twisted sense of humor and his partner at work does, too… but I felt this was too far."
"On to the story: he arrived on scene of a 25 year old dead girl who had drowned and part of his job is to pronounce people dead and obtain a time of death. His partner and he unzipped the mesh bag that her body was in, and his partner said 'turn her over. I wanna see that ass. Did you see the way her back was arched when she was laying flat?'"
"My boyfriend proceeded to flip her over to see her ass (she wasn't naked, but wearing a bikini), and then flip her back and put her back in the bag. The police officers on the scene looked at them in disgust."
"My boyfriend expected me to laugh, but I think this is too far, and violative, and frankly a little gross. He says it's not that serious and regrets sharing it with me.
"AITA?"
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
As you might guess, the Redditors were appalled by this story and firmly on OP's side.
"NTA"
"If I were in your shoes, I'd break up with him because there's no way I'd be able to look at him the same way. I'd probably go a step further and report them."
"It's creepy that your boyfriend and his partner sexualized the corpse of a girl who tragically lost her life. It's so disgusting and so disrespectful. It makes me wonder if they do the same with live unconscious people."
"They shouldn't be allowed to work with vulnerable people or anyone for that matter. So gross." --SnooTomatoes6167
"Honestly, I'm 100% for reporting him and his trash partner. I feel like anyone who can do that to a girl who just drowned in front of a group of cops is going to do a hell of a lot worse behind closed doors." --no_rxn
"Also, if this is the story he shares for a laugh with his girlfriend that paints a pretty damning picture of the things he might say or think in private or with his buddies." --TheRulerT
"There's a line between gallows humor and straight up predatory behavior and this dude leapt across it with this little stunt. So gross even the cops thought he went too far."
"This is definitely an instant dump." --DiTrastevere
"This is creepy and disrespectful behaviour and it really shows his character. I would end the relationship. NTA." --VegetableCulture126
"It's also creepy that a 33 year-old is dating a 23 year-old."
"INB4 'eh, ten years isn't that bad, when my mom and dad got together-' no, ten years is a big gap with those ages. I'm 32, and there's no way I'd wanna date someone in their early 20's, and I can't think of a good reason someone in their 30's would wanna spend a lot of time with the person I was at 23."
"And okay, hypothetically, maybe that gap can work if the older partner is extremely empathetic and compassionate and has a good sense of boundaries, but he obviously does not."
"He sexualized a fresh corpse and passes it off like a funny anecdote rather than a dark secret from his past. I'd be worried he's developed other concerning coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of this job. OP, RUN from this man." --VisualCelery
"The best part about it for me is that the BF included the part where the responding cops on the scene didn't find it funny either. He already got feedback on the awful joke about the dead girl and couldn't take the hint." --Jesoko
"Honestly, AITA surprises me sometimes but this is a level of depraved that would seriously freak me out. They thought it was FUNNY to sexualize a woman who had died tragically, and the implied necrophilia… Jesus fu*king Christ. Id break up with him and report him and his partner, in that order." --orangeandpinwheel
"...First of all: NTA. Not at all."
"OP, I'm a former nurse and I'm in medschool (in 5th year out of 6, in Europe) right now. I'd say my sense of humour is quite messed up. I believe most of people working in medicine have a very unique sense of humour."
"Not because we find it funny when something bad happens, but because sometime it helps us getting through the day. But one thing is to make jokes, speaking them out loud. Another thing is to actually do something to a patient or someone."
"This girl's corpse's still a patient and is still a human being. One thing that we learn working in medicine is that human beings still have the right of human dignity after death. And by doing what he did he actually lost all respect for this poor girl."
"He took away her dignity. And that's 100% not okay. If someone told me something like this, I'd not only look disgusted and speak up, I'd report this person."
"Also: maybe, by turning over her body, he erased some evidence, like a hair somewhere on her body. This guy definitely shouldn't be working as a paramedic. This guy is a perv who should rethink his life choices."
"I'm disgusted and I'm mad for this poor girl who not only lost her life, but her dignity. It was taken away from her from the person who should have protected it the most. Please overthink this relationship. Your bf had no right to do what he did and he has no respect for others." --babsibu
Here's hoping OP finds a different boyfriend, and fast.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.