When it rains, it pours, and this can be true of events and obligations piling up, as well.
It can be really hard to decide which events and obligations to attend to when we feel too overwhelmed to deal with them all, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
That was how Redditor throwawayaccount_64 was feeling when she was the Maid of Honor at her sister’s wedding and helping her sister prepare for the big day.
All was well until her boyfriend told her the terrible news that there were multiple deaths in his family, and he wanted her to attend the funeral with him.
When she thought about the timeline for the funeral and the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t know if she could do it all.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not going to a funeral with my boyfriend because of my sister’s wedding?”
The OP was preparing to be the Maid of Honor (MOH) at her sister’s wedding.
“My sister, Ellie (28 Female), and I (26 Female) are very close. Ellie’s getting married in about three weeks, and I’m her Maid of Honor (MOH).”
“It’s all very exciting but also stressful, especially so close to the wedding, making sure it all goes as smoothly as possible.”
Her boyfriend needed her to be there for a funeral around the same time.
“My boyfriend Jack’s (25 Male) family is Canadian. We’ve been together for five years.”
“They’ve recently had a family tragedy, his brother and future-sister-in-law passed away in an accident, so Jack is flying out next week to attend the funeral.”
“Of course, I have no issue with him going, but he asked me to come as well.”
“I said, ‘Sorry, that’s really not possible since Ellie’s wedding is coming up not long after, and it’s just a lot on my plate right now (and it’s not like a simple drive, it’s in a whole other country).”
The OP’s world was divided.
“I’ve been helping with a lot of the planning and generally being there for her, and Ellie doesn’t want me to go now, either.”
“Jack’s been pretty upset and not talking to me much.”
“People that know of this are torn. Some are saying I’m right, but a couple of people are telling me I’m being selfish.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were shocked by how the OP was handling this.
“At first, I was gonna say NTA. But you are a huge a**hole. I didn’t realize it was his BROTHER. I’m all for celebrating, but your sister is alive and well, you can celebrate their wedding every single day if you want. But your boyfriend just lost someone VERY close to him.”
“Turn the tables around. If you were in his shoes, how would you feel? If you had a huge loss and you reached out to the person whose supposed to be there for you, through thick and thin, and they said nope sorry my sisters having a wedding, how would you feel??” – Hour-Peak-12
“I cannot imagine EITHER of my sisters giving me a hard time to go to a funeral to support my boyfriend (of FIVE years!) and his family.”
“The wedding is in three weeks and in no way impacts your ability to be there. The MOH doesn’t have anything to do in that timeframe. If you do, there are other issues. Your sister can deal without your presence for a few days.” – iceprncss5
“I was going to go with NTA, as I’m a pretty lazy person myself, and if I have an event, especially as important as my sister’s wedding, I will spend three weeks to prep for it. I’d tell my boyfriend to just go alone.”
“But you’ve been with this guy for five years, and he’s going to a funeral for his BROTHER and SISTER-IN-LAW???”
“Girl, even someone like me would haul a** and be there. That’s not just some funeral, that’s a young funeral, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re single by the end of this month. If you can’t make time for your boyfriend in your ‘busy’ schedule (it’s three weeks away for god’s sake) at a time when he needs his partner the most, please stay single.”
“So yes, YTA, big, big time.” – ThrowRA-missssssy
“Wow YTA! Absolutely massive AH behavior. ‘Being there for the bride as the MOH 3 weeks in advance of the wedding’ is not a real excuse.”
“I’ve been married, we’ve never leaned on our MOH or Best Man like that. Plus you can send a call or email from Canada if there is last-minute planning needed.”
“YTA, and your sister is TA as well for good measure for agreeing that you shouldn’t go.” – Mountain_Affect-2
“Your long-term partner lost his brother and future sister-in-law, and you can’t miss a few days for the funeral?! Even if you fly at different times so you’re not there as long as he is, you absolutely should be there to support him through this!”
“My MOH helped choose her outfit and the menu. She held my flowers during the ceremony and gave a speech and toast at the reception. My sister was my MOH and if her husband had lost his sister, I wouldn’t have cared if she missed the WEDDING day.” – OkConsideration8964
“YTA assuming your relationship with your boyfriend is serious and important to you. It sounds like this funeral is very important to your boyfriend. I am sure it would have been a lot, but yes, you could have gone and supported him for the funeral and then flown back home well before the wedding festivities.” – christina0001
“First, Jack’s family had a family tragedy (that’s not just a funeral), his family is in crisis, and he wants you to be there with him. Second, the wedding isn’t for about three more weeks, and you have a week’s advance notice to get things done and prepare.”
“The message you’re sending is that Jack isn’t someone you care about all that much. Based on the info you have given, you’re being selfish and unsupportive. YTA.” – Pink_RubberDucky
“YTA. Yes, it’s close to the wedding. Yes, it’s a whole other country. But your long-term boyfriend is asking for your support at what will be a very tricky event for him.”
“If it was the day before or the day of, that’d be different. But it’s three weeks before. You can attend, even stay there to be with his family for a couple of days, and still be back in time for your sister’s wedding.”
“Most of the planning should be done by then, and another bridesmaid can always step in to help whilst you deal with a family emergency. Bachelorette events can be adjusted if necessary, rehearsal dinners are usually much closer, and bridal showers have usually already happened. You shouldn’t be missing anything.”
“If you don’t attend this funeral, you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. Because, who prioritizes the couple of weeks before the wedding over their serious boyfriend grieving and needing support?” – tiaallyce23
“YTA. One of the clearest and biggest YTAs I have ever seen on this site.”
“If anyone didn’t see the comment from OP, the family tragedy was her boyfriend’s brother and brother’s fiancee both dying. And OP has been with her boyfriend for five years.”
“The funeral does not conflict with the wedding as they are a couple of weeks apart. I can’t even imagine how OP thinks it is ok to not go with her boyfriend. Any wedding prep that needs to happen can certainly be handled by bridesmaids.”
“If I was OP’s boyfriend, this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me, and the relationship would be over.” – poeadam
“To the OP’s statement that, ‘it’s just a lot on my plate right now,’ another Redditor asked, ‘I have a question for OP, could you tell us what wedding-related tasks require your undivided attention for three full weeks?'”
“I loled (laughed out loud) at this. Even without the answer to this question, OP is YTA.”
“Her boyfriend has a lot on his plate too, and when you’re in the US (which I assume here, otherwise OP would have mentioned it because cost and time are legitimate reasons), a flight to Canada doesn’t take that long.”
“She can fly in the day before the funeral, be there for her partner, pay respect to the deceased, fly back the day after, and be there for her sister for TWO WHOLE WEEKS before the wedding.”
“Even if she goes to Canada the whole week, the bride is still a bridezilla if she demands OP to be around all the time. A week is enough time to travel back in time before the wedding.” – EatThisStuff
Others had a great time mocking the OP’s priorities in a comment thread.
“Oh my god, you are a HUGE a**hole.” – happywhateverday
“No, you do not understand. OP needs to support her sibling who is making a promise of a lifelong commitment to love.”
“It is not equivalent to her boyfriend who is mourning his sibling who died before he could fulfill his promise of a lifelong commitment to love.”
“They are not the same at all!” – the_rabble_alliance
“No, you don’t understand, OP needs to focus on dresses, and hair and makeup and flowers and stuff, and can’t be distracted by serious things that would be a real downer.” – Reasonable_racoon
“The sudden deaths of his brother and fiancee are bumming out her happy thoughts of the wedding, you guuuyyyys!!!” – emergencycat17
“The vibes don’t check out.” – djn24
“Guys, they have a lot on their plate, okay??” – unbelievablefidelity
“The OP is like, ‘Jack, I know your brother and his wife just died, but they’re, like, totally killing the vibe and s**t.'” – bzawk
“I seriously can’t believe this person. I just don’t even understand how she would not go.” – candb82314
While the OP thought she had a lot on her plate, the subReddit was appalled by her priorities and her sister’s support of her not attending this important funeral. It was clear the OP’s boyfriend needed her right now, and with multiple weeks left before the wedding, the OP could easily handle both.