A lot of brides and grooms plan their weddings around an aesthetic.
There are usually very specific colors and looks they want.
This is especially true for the wedding party.
The wedding party is tasked with adhering to special details.
And certain requests don't always go over swimmingly.
Redditor Careless_Half_9377 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA I refuse to grow out my hair for my sister wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister is planning her wedding, and I am someone who doesn’t wear dresses or makeup."
"I have really short hair."
"My sister told me that if I don’t wear a dress, I won’t be part of her wedding, and it has to be a certain type of dress."
"I told her I would wear one just for her and possibly makeup (I don’t like the feel of makeup)."
"Now she wants me to grow out my hair."
"I told her that I would just wear a wig."
"She says it’s dumb and wouldn’t look right."
"I told her once again I won’t grow out my hair."
"She thinks I could grow it out to my shoulder for a compromise, but I told her no."
"It’s something I won’t do."
"Now she's mad and says it’s her special day."
"I got mad (which is something I probably shouldn’t have done), told her that her special day is only a couple of hours for one day."
"For me to grow out my hair would take months, something I won’t do."
"She ran to my parents, and now my mom is trying to convince me to grow it."
"My parents and her told me we should come back to this conversation and hope I change my mind before the wedding in a year."
"I don’t want to be an a**."
"Should I just grow it?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, flip the question, ask if she’d seriously have a buzz cut for your wedding if you insisted on it, and how ludicrous a suggestion it is." ~ Urbanyeti0
"I doubt the sister will answer that."
"She'll probably turn the issue back to her."
"OP, you already agreed to wear the dress and make-up as a compromise, but your sister was pushing too hard with your hair."
"She's being greedy. Only made it worse when you dragged your parents into it to gang up on you."
"They don't respect you at all. Which is even more reason to stand your ground." ~ IceSeeker
"I would tell my sister that she has two options: either the dress and light make-up (light is usually better and more natural anyway) with the current hair, or longer hair, no make-up, and no dress."
"If she goes the hair then tries to pull a stunt with hair and make up on the day, play along but have a change of outfit, and duck to the toilet to remove the make up before the ceremony starts, then join the rest of the guests." ~ Environmental_Art591
"NTA. You’re not a prop in your sister’s wedding, and it’s ridiculous for her and your parents to expect you to change months and months of your life just for her wedding."
"Also, your hair probably isn’t going to get to shoulder length that quickly." ~ Outrageous-Tour-682
"NTA, but step down from your role."
"Just go as a guest, don't be in the wedding party. Her request won't stop at your hair, clothes, and makeup."
"It will be much more ridiculous entitled things if she believes that growing out your hair is a valid request." ~ Midiusa
"This. Imagine all the money saved when you don't have to go for a full-blown bachelorette weekend and all the other stuff that she'll expect from you."
"Or when you can pick your own outfit, within your own budget, to your own comfort."
"All the drama that you will watch happening from the sideline."
"Chances are she's gonna be a zilla sooner or later, if she's already so involved in your looks and the wedding is a whole year from now." ~ EatThisSh*t
"This. Staying in the wedding means struggling for the next months (?) year(s)? to keep your boundaries. "
"They might push back on you dropping out of the wedding party, but at least it’s just the one battle to fight, and then hopefully you’ll be done." ~ glib_result
"No. She is body-shaming you."
"Tell her you’d be happy to come as a guest."
"I think you are more compromised by offering to wear a wig!" ~ TheSilliestMoose
"NTA. This is weird."
"I would never ask my sibling to change a part of themselves just for my wedding???"
"Because I like them the way they are." ~ bananacowlady
"NTA, 100%".
"I prefer to keep my hair short, but I'm really bad at actually going to get haircuts, so I usually end up getting the winter growth chopped off in April."
"When my sister got married in a June ceremony, she asked me if I would consider holding off my haircut until after the ceremony, because she liked doing my hair and wanted to French braid it."
"But it was just a request, not a demand."
"I wasn't even in the wedding; she just wanted to have a moment together as sisters."
"She wouldn't have been mad if I'd said sorry, dude, I can't deal with this for another 2 months." ~ Dali_Laa_Laa
"NTA. You're trying to be reasonable, and she keeps moving the goalposts."
"This is extremely manipulative."
"If she doesn't want you in her wedding, fine."
"That's entirely her decision."
"It's a shame she's so petty and focused on minor nonsense instead of on her upcoming marriage, but unfortunately, a lot of brides get sucked into this weird controlling mindset where they start believing that if every single detail doesn't conform perfectly to their imagination, their wedding will be 'ruined.'"
"And the more people agree to do, the more they demand as proof of devotion."
"The only people truly capable of ruining her wedding are herself and her fiancé, if they make bad choices."
"I hope for the sake of your relationship that she makes good ones." ~ FewRecognition1788
"NTA. Just decline to be in her wedding party."
"She's trying to turn you into someone you're not."
"Why be a prop when she can find someone who already meets her photo standards?" ~ CatsMom4Ever
"NTA. If you’re in her wedding, she can choose the dress, but that’s as far as it goes."
"If you’re a guest, she can’t dictate anything, and it’s honestly really rude that she’s trying to."
"I would never try to change my sister’s looks for my wedding. "
"Frankly, it’s weird she cares so much." ~ manic_popsicle
"NTA, I mean, you already compromised her by saying you’ll wear a dress and makeup, which isn’t your cup of tea."
"As well as a wig, which in my opinion is a great option!!!!"
"The problem I fear is that she doesn’t seem to understand your boundaries."
"I won’t say she doesn’t care, cuz I don’t know her, but I think you could set some baseline with her next time if you're uncomfortable with the idea." ~ Grand_Landscape_8874
"NTA. I would probably decline being in the wedding party."
"It might be easier to be a guest." ~ Present-Assignment99
"NTA, forcing someone to change their haircut (especially a seemingly completely innocent one that you wear on a normal basis) is completely unreasonable, especially given that it would be asking you to change your own fashion preferences for over a year."
"They're being silly." ~ Animaloffear56
"NTA. You don't owe it to your sister to change your appearance for HER day."
"You're not marrying her fiancé, she is."
"A nice wig is a good compromise; she's being controlling, and your parents are encouraging this bullsh*t."
"Tell them you'd be happy to just be a guest and read a poem or contribute to the ceremony in some other meaningful way."
"Since you would rather maintain your autonomy, it's best to sit this one out as a bridesmaid, and just be a guest." ~ dazednconfusedxo
"NTA. She asked, you said no. Her trying to cajole you into changing your mind and running to your parents makes her the wrong one here."
"You already offered to wear a wig, and wigs today can look fantastic. No need to revisit this in a year when you've already said no." ~ NeedsMoreYellow
"NTA, Body Boundaries."
"Literally kid sh*t, you can ask someone to wear something for an occasion, but asking them to either grow or cut their hair (unless you have insanely unkempt hair) is unreasonable." ~ ScrimmularBingular
"NTA Brides and their 'perfect aesthetic' are pathetic."
"Seriously, what is more important, having people you love that support you in your wedding or having some shallow Instagram post?"
"You have offered to wear the dress and get the makeup... that is more than nice."
"IF, and it sounds like a big IF, she truly wanted YOU in her wedding, she would be accepting of who you are."
"She doesn't want you; she wants the perfect image without the questions of why she didn't include her own sister in the wedding party."
"Call her out for what it is... her wanting to project an image and not truly wanting you."
"She can take you with a wig (which is way too much to ask, honestly) or not at all."
"Don't let them browbeat you."
"Good luck, she is going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun during this wedding planning."
"Personally, I would take the out as soon as it comes." ~ Odd-End-1405
Reddit with you, OP.
This is an outrageous demand.
Your sister doesn't get to control your hair growth for a year.
Stay strong and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp