We never want to curtail people's passions.
As if something brings someone endless amounts of joy, one of the worst things we could possibly do is tell them to stop.
That being said, sometimes we can't help but wish some people were ever so slightly less passionate about something.
Particularly when it gets in the way of what should be basic functioning.
Redditor Particular_Bit_7728 was very happy in her relationship with her girlfriend.
Except, that is, during any car trip.
During car trips, her girlfriend had a habit that was slowly growing on the original poster (OP)'s nerves.
Wondering if it would be wrong to do something about this, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my girlfriend to stop singing in the car?"
The OP explained why she was less than enamored when her girlfriend sang in the car:
"I (20 F[emale]) have been dating my girlfriend, let's call her Angie (21 F[emale]), for about nine months now, and I genuinely adore her."
"She's kind, smart, funny, and just overall a wonderful person."
"I really do feel lucky to have her in my life."
"That said… she loves to sing."
"Like, all the time, but especially in the car."
"And to be clear, she's incredibly talented."
"She's done choir throughout school, she's a musical theatre major, and she truly has an amazing voice."
"Most of the time, I love hearing her sing and perform."
"It's something I admire about her, cause god knows I can't hold a tune to save my life."
"However, when we're driving together, it honestly gets on my nerves."
"I don't mean every now and then, it's constant."
"For example, the other night we were driving home from a mutual friend's place."
"I put on some music in the background and started talking asking her about her day."
"As soon as there was a lull in the conversation, she turned the music up and started singing."
"I let it go for a song or two, but when I turned it back down and tried to resume the conversation, she gave me a one-word answer, turned it up, and went right back to singing."
"This kind of thing happens all the time."
"I try not to be overly sensitive about it, but it makes me feel like she's not interested in talking to me."
"I've brought it up a couple of times, but she usually brushes it off and tells me that it just passes the time, which it does, for her."
"Meanwhile, I'm driving next to what feels like a brick wall."
"Sometimes I try to sing along, but she'll say something like 'It's not a duet' in a joking way but I know she means it."
"I really do love her, and I don't want to make her feel like she can't be herself around me, but I also don't want to feel ignored every time we're in the car together."
"So am I the a**hole for wanting her to dial it back a bit in the car?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting her girlfriend to stop singing in the car.
Everyone agreed that the OP's girlfriend was clearly just looking for attention, with many even finding this behavior something of a red flag, leading them to wonder how healthy the OP's relationship was:
"'Sometimes I try to sing along, but she'll say something like "It's not a duet" in a joking way, but I know she means it'."
"This here makes you NTA 100%."
"She isn't singing to have fun or bring joy to the world. She just loves to hear her own voice and wants a captive audience. That's not cool."- rememberimapersontoo
"'Sometimes I try to sing along, but she'll say something like "It's not a duet" in a joking way, but I know she means it'."
"WOW."
"OK, based on the title I was ready to condemn you for hating joy but she just became the a**hole in a major way, is she like this about other stuff?"
"I love to sing in the car & get sad anytime someone starts singing with me then stops again, makes me feel like I threw them off key."
"NTA."
"Also, this has the energy of a girl in middle school who heard me singing & asked, 'Oh, who sings that song?' I told her & she said 'oh let's keep it that way'."
"F*ck her especially'."- lycrashampoo
"Oh boy."
"NTA."
"She cuts you off when you try to sing along by using the excuse 'it's not a duet'?"
"A song doesn't have to be written as a duet for people to enjoy singing together!"
"People do it all the time, whether it be on a road trip, at a concert, while cooking dinner, etc."
"Your girlfriend seems oblivious or really self-centered."
"I'm thinking the latter as you've tried to communicate your needs and concerns."
"I'm sorry, but you two might not be compatible for the long run."- Lorrjones
"NTA."
"Your girlfriend is giving life to the phrase 'she loves hearing the sound of her own voice'."
"She sounds self-centered."
"She needs to learn to read the room."
"Just because she has a nice voice doesn't mean that you or anyone else wants to hear it all the time."
"If it's your car, you control the radio."
"No radio when you drive."
"The options are silence or conversation."
"If she reacts negatively, then she's not such a 'wonderful person'."
"Please think about what you wrote."
"'I really do feel lucky to have her in my life'."
"I hope she feels luck to have you in her life."
"Don't ignore bad or rude behavior because you think a person is a great catch."-Ok_Tonight_3703
"Total high school choir diva."
"I should know, I was in choir and musical theater in high school and college."
"And you got these semi-talented amateurs who make that their thing."
"And the one thing they love the most is turning a car into a karaoke booth."
"Especially with a captive audience."
"Which is why it's 'not a duet', because SHE is the singer here and you are the person who just sits there and 'enjoys' her singing."
'Eventually they keep doing it way too much and either get talked to about it or realize that people find them annoying instead of cool and talented and then they start singing like normal people."
"Depending on how much of her self-esteem is wrapped up in the idea of people thinking that she is an amazing and talented car singer, calling her out on it could tank your relationship."
"NTA."- ClaraClassy
"'It's not a duet'."
"That just about sums up your relationship."
"You are superfluous to her."
"Move on."
"She doesn't need you."
"She is in love with herself."
"NTA."- ImportantOnion9937
"NTA."
"Her 'not a duet' comment flips the whole situation and she is TA."
"Have you had a conversation with her fully explaining what you said here?"- Business_Case_7613
"I am an unrepentant car-singer and I even understand the frustration of really wanting to jam a song out when someone else wants to talk (my husband is a BIG talker)."
"But still: NTA."
"That said-- I would be very specific to frame it around your feelings, not what you think she intends, wants, or means."
"'Sometimes when you turn on the radio and sing in the car, you feel distant and unapproachable, and that makes me sad'."
"Or something like that."
"Not accusatory, not assuming anything, just how you feel."
"If your girlfriend cares about you, she'll care how she makes you feel."
"She might still get a little defensive to start with-- don't let her use rhetoric to back you into a corner where you have to apologize and soothe her hurt feelings."
"It's okay if you guys have to come back to the conversation later after she has a little time to cool off and think it through."
"'I've told you how I feel and I won't apologize for that, but we can come back to this later when we've both had time to think about it more'."
"But don't not have this conversation."
"You do not want to hold off until you explode and leave her wondering how you went from zero to 60 on this."- oliviamrow
"NTA."
"And I'm cringing at the thought of someone doing that while I'm driving, or anywhere for that matter."
"I don't care if it's Barbra Streisand is sitting next to me!"- AryaStark1313
The OP's girlfriend isn't the only person on earth who enjoys singing in the car.
However, she seems to view singing in the car as an opportunity to perform for the OP, not just for the joy of singing
One also can't help but wonder if she doesn't want to share a duet with the OP, what else might she be unwilling to share down the line...
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.