Content Warning: Late Family Members, Car Accident, Coping Mechanism, Survivor’s Guilt
No tragedy is kind or forgiving, but there are some tragedies that derail a person’s life much more than others.
Sometimes, the grief is just too much to handle alone, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No_King4450 had been in a terrible car accident with his brother-in-law and father-in-law and was the only survivor in his car.
But when his wife distanced herself from him, blaming him for their deaths, the Original Poster (OP) struggled to grieve his late family members and imagine how his marriage could survive.
He asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) if I get a divorce because my wife won’t stop blaming me for my father- and brother-in-law’s deaths?”
The OP was in a terrible car accident with several family members.
“A couple of years ago, I was out with my father-in-law and younger brother-in-law on a guys night out when a freak accident happened. A seventeen-year-old kid lost control when his brakes went out, and he crashed right into us.”
“My brother-in-law died on the spot while my father in law fought for a couple of days in the hospital before he too passed.”
“I broke my arm and leg and almost died too but somehow I made it.”
The accident ruined the OP’s wife’s life.
“This has destroyed my wife completely. The woman I knew and loved and married isn’t here right now.”
“She was a huge daddy’s girl, she loved him, and they used to talk on the phone every single day, and everytime he’d see or talk to me, he’d always tell me to take good care of his girl.”
“She also loved her younger brother. He was 14 years younger than her, so he was like her first baby.”
“Her mood changes every other day now. Sometimes, she’s her old caring self, and other times, she can’t even look at me, and she’d scream and cuss at me all day long, and she’d blame me for everything.”
The OP wasn’t sure how much more he could take.
“It’s so hard for me, because I loved them too. I loved her dad more than my own absent father, and her brother was like a little brother to me too.”
“I still see my father-in-law in that carseat next to me with blood coming out of his mouth and with cuts all over him, and I still see my dead brother in the back. Her blaming me for it all the time makes it a million times harder for me.”
What made the situation even worse was that the OP’s wife refused any help.
“She doesn’t wanna go to couples therapy or any sorts of therapy with or without me, but I’ve been going but with her blaming me it’s basically not doing anything to help me at all.”
“I still love my wife to death, and I wanna keep my promise to my late father-in-law to take care of his little girl, but I just can’t do it anymore; it’s too painful.”
“I believe it’d be better for her to not live with who she blames for destroying her family, and I think it’d be better for me too and it might finally let me move on.”
“Should I do it or should I give her another chance? I don’t wanna put her trough even more pain, but I think this would be helpful for both of us.”
“WIBTA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some Redditors were concerned by the fact that the OP’s wife was refusing help.
“NTA. We know she’s hurting, badly. But to blame you, and refuse to go to counseling, is completely unfair. Even without that, the way her moods are all over the place shows she needs it.”
“Ultimatums are usually a bad idea, but not always. Have you considered telling her it’s counseling or divorce?” – carmelfan
“Tell her the promise you made her dad. And tell her if SHE won’t let you help her, then you’ll be breaking that promise, and you dont want to do that.”
“Tell her HE would want her to get help.”
“If she still refuses, avoid her while home a bit. Do you have a separate bedroom or man cave? You can try to spend most of your time there. Try to keep out of her line of sight so she isn’t reminded.”
“If need be, you can do a trial separation. Go live somewhere else for a bit, but keep tabs on her.”
“No need to jump right to divorce.” – Charlie24601
“She MUST know what she is doing is wrong, borderline evil. That’s why she won’t go to therapy. I respect your commitment to her, but you may need to get a separate place for your own mental wellbeing.”
“She’s punishing you a second time when you’re already suffering by being the survivor. Sadly, I don’t see a happy marriage in your future with her.” – MeatofKings
“At this point, it’s not even an ultimatum. It’s what OP has to do. If the wife is refusing therapy, she will constantly be dealing with the resentment towards OP. It’s bad enough he is likely already dealing with his own survivor’s guilt but to be constantly blamed when it was not even his fault is something I can’t see him withstanding.”
“OP, it’s time to let your wife know that you have to think about yourself and your own mental health in this situation, and leave. If she’s refusing help, it will never get any better.” – BizarreCujoh
“She SHOULD be hating the person who CAUSED the crash that killed her dad and brother, but she’s constantly reminded that OP was the only SURVIVOR of the crash.”
“It’s so painful to OP’s wife to be reminded, but she is refusing any kind of therapy to come to terms with her loss.”
“OP is entitled to seek therapy for his own mental health. He is dealing with PTSD and anxiety issues related to the deaths of his father in-law and brother in-law.” – Feeling-Invite7953
One Redditor advised what the OP should tell his wife if she continued to refuse help.
“OP, if it were me, I would say something like this, ‘I love you, but I cannot live the rest of my life being hated and blamed for a freak accident, something that was not my fault. You treat me as if you would rather I had died in the car rather than survived.'”
“‘I’m so sorry the accident happened, but it was not my fault and you hating me is not going to bring your father and brother back. I do not want a divorce but I cannot live with your hatred any longer, so I will be moving out. If you want to continue to be married to me, you will need to get therapy. If you choose not to in the next six months, I will be filing for divorce.'”
“‘Maybe we can both be happier if you don’t have to look at me daily and be reminded of your loss. I really do love you so much and wish the accident had never happened, but neither of us has any control over that. All we can do is control how we move forward, and if you are not willing to get help, then we need to move forward separately.'” – Successful_Voice8542
Others thought it might be better for the OP and his wife to go their separate ways so they could both heal.
“Hate is the poison that kills only the hater. She should learn forgiveness, even if her husband caused it. If she does blame him, justly or unjustly, she needs therapy. And she may not be able or heal with him still in her life.” – MetaPlayer01
“You can frame it a few ways… I’d suggest something like, ‘You seem to hate me sometimes, and I seem to be a constant reminder of what happened. That’s hard for me to be around, especially as I’m grieving them as well. If we can’t go to counseling together, maybe we shouldn’t be together.'” – BodaciousVermin
“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. Don’t divorce her now, don’t make big decisions at a time like this, but separation for a time might be good for both of you.”
“Get a short term rental, three to six months maybe, and keep up your therapy. Being the one left behind is harder than most people think, and you need to keep talking to someone, but not her.” – Beth21286
“Tell her that you are considering divorce, and unless she’s willing to go to counseling this relationship is on its last legs. She goes to counseling or she can expect seperation to start soon.”
“You need to be firm. If she doesnt know she is going to lose you by doing this, and doesnt feel like she will (for example, empty threats to leave) she wont ever snap out of it.”
“The longer you take to impress this, the more obstinate she will be.” – Grimwohl
“This is beyond salvageable OP marriage-wise.”
“She’s unwilling to accept that it was not your fault that freak accident that occurred and had it been possible to turn back time in a time machine and she still wouldn’t have been able to change the devastating outcome because of the other driver that lost control of the vehicle and crashed into you.”
“Best to get your divorce papers in order and served to her then try start living the best you can.” – lovemyfurryfam
Grief after such a loss can be difficult for couples.
We wish them both well as they navigate these turbulent waters.