Redditor Face-Abstract7679 is a 30-year-old woman who has taken some time to become confident about her looks.
That confidence was shattered when she felt betrayed by the person closest to her, who publicly humiliated her at a recent celebratory gathering.
When confronting the issue didn’t end well, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for going off on my husband after he made a joke during his groom speech?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m prefacing this by saying that I (F30) always struggled with self esteem. I’m an introvert, anxious, socially awkward type of person which makes it worse.”
“I got introduced to make up during my late 20s and it’s now become both a source of income & a source of self confidence and esteem.”
“My now husband always teased me about it, mind you he’s a jokester and is a bit on the sarcastic – brutally honest side.i didn’t have an issue as long as it was done privately, meaning private teasing.”
“At our wedding I went a bit out of box when it came to makeup, but it looked matching and fitting obviously. My husband didn’t stop commenting on it during the wedding.”
“I was beginning to get annoyed but when it was time for his groom speech. He looked at me and then said ‘…and my wife here who looks like a department store mannequin with that makeup on her face…’ I was dumbfounded.”
“Guests started laughing at me loosely. I felt so much rage I didn’t know how to contain it.”
“I waited til his parents were around then I went off on him about what he said. He said it was just a joke and I took it too personally.”
“I argued with him about how I felt regarding his teasing in public but he insisted I blew this out of proportion and ruined ‘the atmosphere’ for the wedding as well as humiliated him in front of his parents when I scolded him like he was a kid.”
“He sulked about it for 3 days then told me that I needed to apologize for this negative vibe I brought upon him and for reacting so insanely over a joke.”
“I wonder if I really overreacted here. AITA?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
“NTA. You expressed hurt and he turned the tables and said you need to apologize??? He is not off to a good start when he can not emphasize with how such comments are hurtful and embarrassing.” – Voidg
“NTA. He has the emotional intelligence of a soggy cloth.”
“Making fun of his new bride in front of all her friends and family is just peak stupidity, as well as just being cruel.”
“Even if you didn’t have self esteem issues and anxiety that would’ve been a dumb move.” – CrystalQueen3000
“NTA, and brace yourself for a lifetime of this bullsh*t. It’ll always be him kicking you and then getting all hurt when you yelp.” – Ribbon-
“God I hate this. It isn’t a joke if the other person is hurt and it’s on the joker to apologise, especially if they know the person well and should have know better.”
“The ‘it’s just a joke’ ‘don’t be so sensitive’ shows he’s never learnt to take any responsibility for his own words. NTA but you’re either going to have to teach him this, suffer it or leave.”
“Edit: to add, it isn’t a joke full stop. He insulted her. And she’s the punch line. Comedians always say if you’re going to go after people punch up.” – opheliasdinosaur
“I think you have to have a really strong sense of empathy and boundaries to be able to tease people.”
“What you’re essentially doing is saying, I know you so well that I know you’re a little insecure about this trait/hobby, so I’m going to act out a little bit of what you’re afraid of someone saying about it but in such a goofy or over the top way that you recognize I don’t actually think less of you for any of your insecurities and in fact understand how they make you feel so that you feel safer with me, knowing that I’d never actually bully or insult you in order to make you feel like sh*t.”
“It’s also crucial that the joke be FOR the subject, not other people.”
“It’s like when someone misspeaks and says a word in a silly way and so you mimic them. There’s a world of difference between just repeating that word or phrase to make the point that the word/phrase itself is funny, not the person for saying it, and taking the pressure off that person where silence would have allowed them to spiral into anxiety about it versus calling out to other people and being like, look at this mush mouth who can’t even speak properly!” – scrapsforfourvel
“You’ve got it. A key part of the reason I take teasing from my friends is because i know without a shadow of a doubt, if I said ‘hey, that’s not funny. Please don’t say that’. They never would again.”
“I know this because it’s happened! Only once or twice, but it has, and they’ve said the same thing to me on occasion. I don’t get why you’d joke about something you know the subject of the joke wouldnt appreciate, unless you’re just trying to be mean.”
“And I can’t fathom doing that to my spouse at our WEDDING.” – Frosty_Mess_2265
“And this nonsense will bleed into other areas of their life. Letting kids do whatever they want despite the reasonable boundaries and expectations Mom set, then treating her like the bad guy when she gets mad that they (including her dumb husband) didn’t listen.”
“Probably talking smack about/making fun of her behind her back, to the kids, because he thinks it’s funny to get them on his side. She’s going to be treated like she’s a naggy AH for the rest of her life if she doesn’t get away from this clown.” – bowyamyshoobs24
“Ah classic Darvo.”
“D – Deny (He didn’t do any wrong)”
“A – Attack (You’re taking this to personal, its a joke)”
“R V O- Reverse Victim Order (How dare you humiliate me, and you now owe me an apology)”
“Don’t fall for it. Its a tactic and a way to manipulate you. He knew about your anxieties and still choose to make sucha public statement about something you struggle with.”
“NTA”
“Edit: Someone pointed out its RVO is Reverse Victim & Offender!”
“Also, thank you for the awards.” – inRodwetrust8008
“NTA. He is only going to get worse now that he has you ‘hooked.’ He thinks because you are married he can say and do what he wants and he expects you to take it.”
“Triple up on the birth control, get yourself some therapy and an attorney to get an annulment.” – Puppiesmommy
“Bears repeating: ‘OP’s husband doesn’t want an equal partner in life, he wants to watch the expressions on OP’s face change when he says awful things to her.’”
“OP, is this what you want for the rest of your whole life? Being alone is better, more fun and less stressful than being with someone who could make a comment like that about your appearance on a day that a woman’s appearance is more important than almost any other day. To the entire wedding.”
“There are better men out there than your new husband. Being alone would be better than being with someone who would crap on you that enthusiastically and then try to make it out that you need to apologize to him. Can you get an annulment?” – SadderOlderWiser
Exactly this, if he has the balls to say this kind of shit at your wedding in front of everyone. When wouldn’t he be willing to say this type of shit IDC if he’s a jokester, it’s not funny or appropriate unless everyone, including the “victim” is laughing at the end. He knows you’re self conscious and have issues with your esteem and stuff, a good partner would be supportive of this, understand, and treat you respectfully.
“I’m not the type to immediately jump down breakup or divorce. But I will say, take a long, hard time to yourself to think about if you’re willing to put up with this for the rest of your lives. You think you can now, but in 10, 20, 50 years time are you going to be ok with it? I hope not.”
“The fact he has so little respect for you makes me wonder what other signs and issues are popping up that you havn’t noticed, seen or are ignoring that you should take into consideration as well.”
“Please, have a long hard think. If you do choose to continue the relationship though, therapy, you’re going to need it. Couples therapy where you’re able to discuss this issue in a non-biased environment, where the therapist can help you explain your perspective and help him understand (hopefully) where he went wrong.”
“If he still refuses to admit a d accept he did anything wrong after that, and his behaviour doesn’t change. Please leave, you don’t deserve this.” – throwaway1294944
Overall, Redditors saw red flags in their marriage based on the husband’s behavior on their special day.
Should the OP choose to remain in the marriage, Redditors strongly suggested the couple seek professional counseling together so he understands how insensitive he’s being with his brand of humor.