Content Warning: Mentions of Sexual Assault
In theory, people should be able to be friends with anyone they want to be friends with, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
But some people cannot wrap their minds around a man and a woman being friends without suspecting that the guy wants a little bit more, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor LlamaThrustUlti was marrying the woman of his dreams, but when his old college roommate came into trouble, he and his future wife did not hesitate to take her in.
So when one of their bridesmaids made drunken comments about his commitment to his future wife, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should still be present for their wedding day.
He asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for asking my fiancée to remove someone as a bridesmaid because of something she said while inebriated?”
The OP was helping out an old friend while also planning his wedding.
“I’m lucky enough to be engaged to the woman of my dreams. She’s perfect in every way and the wedding is currently scheduled for next June.”
“Right now along with my fiancée, I have a very close friend living with us. She was my roommate in college and basically family.”
“Five months ago, she found out she was pregnant when she was told her entire life she couldn’t have kids. She was ecstatic but her boyfriend (also my roommate and basically family) wasn’t and begged her to have an abortion.”
“Basically, she thought she’d never have another chance, but they were absolutely not in any position to raise a kid at the moment. Their relationship got very strained and she ended up having a miscarriage.”
“One week after that, she found out her boyfriend was having an emotional affair with a coworker. They broke up and she ended up also getting into a massive fight with her family.”
“Obviously, I moved her into my place as soon as possible, and while she was definitely struggling for a while, I’m glad to say she seems to be slowly healing. She’s been at our house for a little over a month.”
During a party, one of the OP’s bridesmaids revealed her feelings about the OP’s friend.
“A few nights ago, my fiancée had some of her friends over, all of which are bridesmaids. My friend joined them and all of them ended up getting pretty drunk.”
“My fiancée falls asleep pretty fast when she’s drunk so I carried her up to our room and tucked her in so I could take care of everyone else.”
“My friend at that point had started drinking really heavily and looked kind of sick so I walked her up to her bathroom and held her hair for about 20 minutes while she puked. When I figured she had enough out of her system, I left her to go check on the other girls and get them home.”
“I was walking down the steps and heard one of her friends make a comment about me helping my friend up ‘because I wanted to get in her pants.'”
“The other girls around her immediately told her off (they’re all aware of my friend’s situation, by the way), and I just stood obstructed on the stairway trembling in anger.”
“I managed to calm down temporarily, come down, and send them all home in Ubers (I had offered to drive them before but in all honesty, I felt so angry, I did not want to be in that position).”
The OP was struggling to process the joke.
“Three days later, I’m still angry. I genuinely don’t ever want to be in the same room as this woman ever again, let alone have her eight feet away as I say my vows.”
“I haven’t told my fiancée any of this yet, but I was planning to do so tomorrow as well as request her friend at least be removed from having a role if not flat out be uninvited to the wedding.”
“So would I be the a**hole for asking to remove her for something she said when she was drunk?”
After receiving the initial wave of feedback, the OP a few clarifications.
“First, my fiancée and her friends do not ‘have problems with alcohol.’ My girl is a lightweight and none of her friends were blackout drunk or anything that far. The only person who puked was my friend. Passing out because you drank too much and falling asleep after having a couple of drinks are too entirely different things.”
“Second, At absolutely no point have I ever indicated I was going to take action or demand (my particular wording was request above, not demand) before talking to my fiancée about the whole story and the issue. I now intend to talk to the bridesmaid as well before I request anything.”
“Third, I understand I’m being a little overly sensitive. The reality is this whole situation has been harsh and shitty for everyone involved. In particular, I know I’ve been very defensive of my friend given her current situation with her family and it is entirely possible some of this anger towards her bridesmaid was redirected from things my friend’s sisters have said and done to her in recent history.”
“All this being said, there is absolutely positively nothing more between me and my friend besides a deeply PLATONIC relationship. I do not have romantic/sexual feelings for my friend at all, nor am I ‘insecure about society telling me I can’t have women friends without wanting to sleep with them.’ I’m just worried about my friend who’s still in a pretty bad place and feel like very insulted someone would insinuate I would be taking advantage of her in such a state.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that what the bridesmaid said was insensitive and problematic.
“If your boyfriend’s friends were making comments about you probably cheating, you would want that person at your wedding? No way. I would be livid too. It’s rude. It’s disrespectful.”
“And for all you know, it may not have been the first or last time. It’s not a crime to be upset that someone is talking s**t behind your back. Drunk or not.” – prettymix
“I don’t know if she thought of it that way, being drunk herself, but that other word was the way I took it. Drunk or not, making a casual accusation of a moral failing of that severity is pretty far over the line. If she apologized, I think I could stomach her at the wedding, but I certainly wouldn’t want someone who all but called me a -ist up there participating.”
“And frankly, even assuming that wasn’t what she meant and she only meant it as said, someone who thinks so low of me that they believe I can only be kind and caring for someone if I’m anticipating sex, is not someone I want in my life period.” – jamescon8016
“I didn’t understand it to be just about cheating, either. I took the comment about trying to get in her pants as the fiancé being accused of trying to take advantage of his drunk friend. Inappropriate in or out of a relationship, I’d be pretty angry if I was accused (even jokingly) of taking advantage of a drunk person, cheating or not.” – imkeepingsummersafe
“NTA. This is not something to joke about. The bridesmaid insinuated you were willing to not only cheat on your fiancé, but more importantly, were willing to take advantage of your friend. Look, I’ve said some stupid crap in my day, that I didn’t mean the way it came out, but I tend to realize quickly when I say something THAT inappropriate, and I certainly notice when I’m called out on it. Doesn’t sound like this person noticed.” – Adhdqueen_5000
“Honestly, if my friend had implied my husband was going to take advantage of an inebriated woman in our home with me in the next room, we would never speak again.”
“You should talk to your fiancee first. NTA.” – BiddyInTraining
Others were concerned by how intense the OP’s reaction to the bad joke was.
“The OP said, ‘I heard one of her friends make a comment about me helping my friend up ‘because I wanted to get in her pants.'”
“It’s a drunken remark albeit in very poor taste.”
“The OP also said, ‘The other girls around her immediately told her off (they’re all aware of my friend’s situation, by the way), and I just stood obstructed on the stairway trembling in anger.'”
“Why are you still so angry three days later? It sounds like the others recognized she was being a total id**t.”
“It’s up to you if you talk to your fiancee; it’s your wedding.” – Apart-Ad-6518
“It’s a really terrible joke but the kind of joke that’s made without taking the reality of sexual assault into consideration. But the fact OP is still p**sed about it days after and hadn’t even brought it up to discuss with his fiance comes off as a bit unhinged and sounds like he just wants to be p**sed for the sake of being p**sed.” – EnceladusKnight
“There’s something about this post that just isn’t sitting right with me. The guy says his fiancée is perfect in every way. And then he goes on to be very descriptive about rescuing his female friend after she went through a hard time, and then being just the perfect gentleman when the girls all came over to drink.”
“I don’t know. If you’re that great of a guy, why are you still ‘seeing red’ three days later? Why haven’t you already talked with your fiancée about this? I just feel like there’s something off.” – Mistyam
“One thing I don’t think is particularly fair in this thread is that we’re given a ton of backstory about this friend of OP’s so she’s sympathetic, but we don’t know one single thing about the girl OP is mad at.”
“What’s her history with the fiancee? With old boyfriends? What’s the fiancee maybe be through that she witnessed? She’s just a Girl Who Said Something Mean. But presumably there’s context for her thoughts and opinions, too.” – narlaRT
“I get why you are so upset; the friend was feeling out whether you were going to try to take advantage of a close friend. This, of course, is offensive to you. But can you hear me out for a moment…”
“I had a good friend, a friend of over 10 years, do this very thing. It is a reality that people, especially women, face. The woman who made the comment may have been checking in with the others to make sure you were trustworthy; as you said, she does not know you well. They shut her down immediately, and it was dropped.”
“It sounds to me like this woman was being a protector for other women, and that is something a lot of us are thankful for. Whether or not you are a woman OP, I hope you might be able to see that angle.”
“Where you are now, you have a fiancée who has friends who all know they can trust you. My question to you is, why was your reaction so emotionally intense? ‘Seeing red’ implies that you are violently shaken by this. Have you felt that your kindness has been taken advantage of?”
“I would not talk to the bridesmaid; I would talk to your fiancée. Tell her what you overheard and ask if she thinks all of her bridesmaids support your marriage. It is important to have a wedding party that supports you both. If she tells you that this bridesmaid badmouths you, then that is a problem. But if they don’t, then you should think about what you need to feel less hurt by the bridesmaid.”
“Talk to her, talk to your friend, etc etc. And maybe everyone could cut back on the heavy drinking.”
“Best of luck to you and congrats on your marriage!” – moreKEYTAR
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“She explained it, she was drunk, had the thought pop in her head, and just said it. I talked to my little brother while I was trying to figure out how to respond to all of this and besides calling me hot-headed, he said something I really thought about when forgiving her: ‘Your first thought is what you’re conditioned to think, your second thought is what you actually believe.'”
“In my opinion, her second thought was what she showed me in her apology. Her first thought was dumb, she thought it would be funny and said it without filtering or thinking about how it would be perceived by others, especially given she did not have all the pertinent information.”
“When she apologized for everything, she told me she had never once actually questioned my faithfulness to my fiancee. She definitely never thought I would be capable of sexual assault, even if that’s not how she meant her comment. She told me she considered me a friend and hoped that despite this if I could forgive her I would consider her one back.”
“These to me are the words of someone whose second thought, her true feelings, are not reflected in her dumbass comment. That’s why she and I are good.”
“I’ll clarify she herself told me she didn’t want to use drinking as an excuse and she took full responsibility for what she said. I’m not taking it as an excuse at all, rather an explanation for why she said her first thought and not her second.”
The subReddit understood why the comment was inappropriate and why it would be upsetting for someone to hear about the person they love most, but the sub was more torn over how the OP was responding to that comment.
Some found the joke to be deeply inappropriate, period, and stated they wouldn’t want people who would make jokes like that in their lives at all. But others thought it was more telling that the OP was still stewing over this three days later without once bringing this up to his future wife in an attempt to resolve it.
Clearly, the OP was experiencing a complex range of emotions about a complicated situation, and for that, adults would need to have an adult conversation to move past it.
You can reach the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline by calling 1-800-656-4673, use their Live Chat tool: https://www.rainn.org/get-help, or visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.
In Canada, help is available through the Ending Violence Association of Canada website.
International resources can be found through the Rape Crisis Network Europe website.