As much as we may love our closest friends, there's a distinct possibility that we will not love their significant others.
In some cases, the strain can be so terrible, it can ruin the original friendship, or at least lead to spending far less time together, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwawaylefty56 tried to be understanding when his best friend wanted him to attend his wedding but decided to respect his wife's wish to not invite him.
When it came time for his own wedding, the Original Poster (OP) decided he would handle the situation a little differently: to invite his best friend but not his wife.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not giving my married friend a plus-one invitation to my wedding?"
The OP did not want his best friend's wife to attend his wedding.
"I (33 Male) am getting married next summer."
"I invited a friend from university to my wedding but intentionally did not give him a plus-one invitation for his wife."
"His wife and I do not get along. She attended university with us, and we had our fair share of fights then and a rather large fuss some five-odd years ago."
Previous events put a serious strain on their relationship.
"She cheated on my friend at university, and they broke up. I was not as warm to her after that but not outwardly mean."
"She wanted him back, he asked for advice, and I said don't do it. He took her back anyways (obviously, his right to do so), but I remained more distant from her."
"Not sure if my friend told her that I advised they remain broken up (would not be surprised) or if it was just me not being as friendly, but she turned nasty on me."
"Five years ago, I called her out for her b***hy behavior after she hurt me with multiple rude comments. Alcohol was involved, and admittedly, I could have handled the situation with more finesse."
"Our interaction ruined a wonderful evening. Once we sobered up the following day, I apologized for my part and expected the same in return. Instead, she not only refused to apologize or accept any blame, but she also entirely rejected my apology."
The OP rarely saw his friend's wife, including at his best friend's wedding.
"We live on opposite sides of our country and only see each other a couple of times a year (if that) for special occasions like other friends' weddings. His wife and I can be generally cordial now but mostly avoid or ignore one another."
"They got married around four years ago, and I was not invited to their wedding."
"My friend told me (in no uncertain terms) that he wanted me there, but his wife did not, and that he chose to respect her wishes on her big day."
"I was disappointed but understanding and never let it affect our friendship."
The OP decided not to invite his best friend's wife in return.
"I am having a big wedding and all guests with spouses, fiancés, and serious boyfriends or girlfriends are getting plus-one invitations, except for my friend."
"It is not a numbers issue, I simply do not want his wife in attendance."
"I have considered the likelihood that my friend will RSVP no given the lack of a plus-one, but I am okay with this outcome."
"I have no intention of telling him ahead of time that most others are getting a plus one, but I'm aware that he is most likely going to find out."
The OP's other loved ones were torn over how he was handling the situation.
"My fiancé and I obviously discussed this matter, and she is fully supportive of this decision."
"Other friends that I have spoken to tell me that I'm being ruthless and basically should not have even invited my friend if I wasn't going to give him a plus one for his wife."
"So… am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was his wedding, and he could invite who he wished.
"NTA. The only thing OP maybe could have done better is to be even more transparent with his friend, something like:"
"'Look, you know the situation. I don't know how you feel, but I would love for you to come to my wedding. But since it's my wedding and I want people there that I'm comfortable with, that unfortunately means I'm not comfortable extending you a plus-one invitation. It's not an act of revenge and I don't want to be disrespectful. I just want my friend there and for everyone to have a good time. I'll be happy if you come, but I'll also understand if you decide not to.'"
"But maybe I'm biased because I'm usually surrounded by pretty mature people who can take this level of honesty." - West-Leopard-3094
"NTA. You have direct evidence that she feels the same as you do, and it prevented you from going to a good friend's wedding. It's not like you're shocking her with the fact that your feelings aren't reciprocated. I would communicate with your friend, though, that she is not invited and that only his name on the invite wasn't a mistake." - DragoBrokeMe
"NTA... If she didn't want you at her wedding, then it's reasonable to not want her at yours... I don't think your friend will be hurt or surprised that his wife isn't invited..." - Queen_Queen420
"I was prepared to say OP is the AH (because normally you should always include spouses and serious significant others as plus-ones, even if you don't like them) UNTIL I got halfway down and saw he was not invited to the friend's wedding at the wife's request."
"Honestly, she is not gonna want to OP's wedding anyway. This is justified under the circumstances."
"NTA, OP." - firefliesfly80
"OP is NTA with his current plan, but inviting her as well is a good olive branch, especially if you want your friend there."
"It's your wedding, so like there's more than just this couple there. You give them a 'hey, thanks for coming' comment and hang out with your buddy, and his wife can sit off to the side and get to know Uncle Jerry or something."
"But yeah, I think solely inviting his friend has the possibility to ice out the friendship. The friend already put one nail in the coffin by not even inviting OP to his wedding, but they've moved past that."
"Up to you really, OP, you've got a good plan either way." - Thatsaclevername
"NTA. I get it, but just understand that your friendship may not be the same."
"Also, consider that inviting her allows you to keep the moral high ground. If the friendship survives, she'll now be able to throw the 'but he didn't invite me, either!' card."
"If you don't care about that or that the friendship possibly being damaged, then go for it." - No-Investigator-6528
Others thought the OP was the AH for sending an invite without a discussion first.
"Mild YTA. You are under no obligation to invite her, and as you've said you're expecting him to say no and you're ok with that, so you're not acting entitled."
"However... You said, 'I have no intention of telling him ahead of time that most others are getting a plus-one invitation, but I'm aware that he is most likely going to find out.'"
"This is where I think you're in the wrong. Giving him a heads-up rather than him finding out either on the day or from somebody else makes it seem deceptive. I think a quick heads-up to explain the situation would be best."
"Also, do you really want him to find out on the day itself and potentially cause a scene? Or for him to look/act annoyed the whole day and ruin the vibe? Surely it's best to give him the full information up front and he can make an informed decision." - UncleSnowstorm
"I'm going to say YTA, mainly because you invited him."
"In this situation, I would have left them both off. I don't care what the reasons are, but if you invite someone who's married to a wedding, you invite their spouse. Period."
"You just should have never extended the invite to either of them. Especially after you weren't invited to their wedding. It wasn't just her who didn't invite you. It was his wedding too, and he went along with it."
"Not sure what your intent was to invite just him. Just create more issues?" - djjsin
"NTA for not wanting someone you dislike at your wedding. Your big day, your big choice."
"YTA for sending an invite to a married couple without the plus-one invitation."
"As your friends stated, it would have been better to not invite him at all. Your invite can cause your friend headaches about how to handle you and your request (he will know for sure your friends have a plus-one) and troubles in his marriage."
"You can dislike someone but you don't have to cause trouble in their marriage. It's petty."
"Did you already send the invites? Sounds weird to mail invites a year in advance. Wedding invites are usually sent a few months before the wedding."
"If the official invite was not mailed yet, don't mail it. They made the right call by not inviting you to their wedding as you and his spouse don't like each other. Return the favor." - PunkYak
"You are right and I understand the thinking, but still unfortunately YTA. I wouldn't want her there either, but by not inviting her, you are not recognizing your friend's wife and someone who is important to him."
"I had a somewhat similar situation where my friend's wife did not like my wife (they had a history before we all got together but were cordial with each other and just didn't interact)."
"I was invited with no plus-one invitation. I really wanted to go for my friend, but because my wife was not acknowledged, I declined. After that, it did affect my relationship with him since he wouldn't stick up for me as his friend." - sc61723529129
"YTA (softly because I understand why you are doing what you are doing)."
"This is an impossible situation you are in. You were hurt by your friend's wife and do not want her at the wedding, but they are married, which means if you invite him, you invite her."
"Probably the best course in an impossible situation is to not invite your friend. If/when he asks, just tell him you know how his wife feels about you, and you did not think she would want to attend... Not perfect, but better than not giving your friend a plus-one invitation and making it so clear that this is a vendetta issue that would force your friend to choose his wife and perhaps end things with you." - TracklessTinder
The subReddit could completely understand why the OP didn't like his best friend's wife, and even why he didn't want her to attend his wedding, especially after she specifically didn't invite him to hers. That said, they were much more divided over the OP's wedding invitation plan.
Not inviting the wife would certainly make a statement, but in the best case scenario, his friend wouldn't attend his wedding, and in the worst case scenario, it might ruin their friendship for good, all in the opening of one piece of mail.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.