Anyone who has lived with a roommate or partner can attest to how annoying the arrangement can get when two people both want to get their way but cannot seem to come to a compromise.
But maybe sometimes, even if there’s a “house war” on, maybe the place will smell better than usual, shrugged the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor pizza_col_cazzo and his wife hilariously could not come to an agreement about the use of “fancy soap” in their bathroom, as his wife wanted to save them for the occasional guest.
In response, he bought other fancy soaps that he did not share with his wife, and in the process, the Original Poster (OP) started an all-out soapy and good-smelling war in his home.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for not respecting my wife’s fancy soap policy in our bathroom and accidentally starting a soap-based arms race in our home?”
The OP’s wife bought soap that was for “guests only.”
“So, my wife (30 Female) bought this absurdly expensive soap from some little shop. It came in a tiny frosted glass bottle, wrapped in twine, with ridiculous branding like ‘hints of pine, regret, and artisanal disappointment’ or something like that.”
“She placed it on the bathroom counter and told me, ‘This is for guests.’ But we don’t have guests. Ever. Okay, maybe once every two months.”
“I told her that, but apparently, the idea of a guest potentially seeing that we use commoner soap is too horrifying to bear. So the fancy soap was enshrined like the Mona Lisa, untouched.”
When the OP ran out of soap, he did the most reasonable thing: not buy more.
“Fast forward: I run out of my regular cheapo soap, which came in a cracked plastic bottle with a pump that wheezed like a dying guinea pig.”
“So, in a moment of desperation and dirty hands, I dared to touch the holy grail.”
“I was halfway through using a single pump of the fancy soap when she walked in, looking at me as if I was defiling the sacred artifact or microwaving the Fabergé egg.”
“She said I was wasting it and that it’s not for everyday hands. I was p**sed.”
Then the OP did the next most reasonable thing: he bought even fancier soap.
“Then I did the unthinkable: I went out and bought my own fancy soap. $30. Grapefruit and cedar, and it smells like if a lumberjack went to therapy.”
“I put it proudly on my side of the sink. I declared that this is my new soap and only I have a right to use it.”
“Suddenly, it’s the Cold War: Soap Edition.”
“That evening, I saw over her shoulder that she was searching for more soap bottles on Etsy. Like she wanted revenge!”
“At this point, I now want to invite some guests over to make sure they use my fancy soap and not hers, haha!”
“Now she’s mad I’m mocking her and says I’m turning cleanliness into a competition.”
“I told her she started the soap caste system; I just refused to be born into the lower class.”
“She hasn’t spoken to me in two days. But I smell amazing.”
“Tell me, AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Instead of helping, some suggested ways to keep the bubbly war going.
“Please, OP, put your soap in a clear box with a small lock… Bonus points for fancy ribbon or dressing around the box… Wear the key on a long chain around your neck.” – Pseudo-Data
“Ironically, I have a fancy soap bottle with crappy soap in it. People are fooled by the packaging and think they’re getting quality, when in fact they could well be getting dish soap.”
“Escalate the war with cheapness. Don’t be around when she realises she’s been secretly using your expensive soap on the down-low and it’s a con.” – RecognitionNew3122
“Now get a towel and tell her she can’t use it, but never use it yourself. It’s decorative.” – EvoSP1100
“At least you won’t have any problems thinking of a Christmas gift this year… Get her the most fanciest schmanciest expensive soap you can find at, like, 100 bucks a bottle. She can’t even get mad that you only got her soap!” – ButterscotchHour7359
“NTA.”
“I enjoyed your writing style.”
“It sounds like you’re in a happy relationship.”
“You need to get a custom soap made with millions of nouns and adjectives describing it to win the great battle of soap. You could even start a new war of who leaves whom the best ‘insults.'” – Big_Taco
“Go one step further… you have your cedarlicious soap, she has her hints of artisanal soap, get a third bottle… the ultimate posh soap some tears of angels s**t for the never seen guests. Rank it up a notch!” – Pale_Guarantee_2622
“I think you need some hard soaps in fancy shapes or cut soaps that create pictures that you’re not actually supposed to use.”
“I really hated those as a kid. What the f**k do you mean, the soap is decorative?”
“And my mom wouldn’t let me light the decorative candles, either. I swear, we could have had a week-long blackout and she would have had us sitting there in the dark instead of using the stupid animal-shaped candles.”
“But I would make an exception and say they’re necessary for this occasion. Practical, even.” – rainingmermaids
“I foresee a handcrafted Amish egg basket filled with an assortment of cleansing products.” – MidwestNormal
“I’m thinking custom towels. He’s got to go full Monty. Embroidered: ‘Courtesy of (OP’s name),’ and hire a logo designer. High thread count 100% terry cotton. Toilet paper dispenser to match, complete with the ‘good’ toilet paper.” – Educational_Salad
“You need to offer mints or gum, for sure. And hire a restroom attendant for your side only, OP.” – -K_P-
“You had me at ‘hints of pine, regret, and artisanal disappointment’!”
“My cousin once got really mad at me, his sister, and wife because we ate the ‘fancy crackers’ with our wine during our girl chat after he went to bed that apparently he was saving ‘for company.’ (Mind you, his sister and I were both visiting from out of state, but that doesn’t seem to rate as ‘company’ because we’re family!)”
“Note that my cousin is a collector of wines and is always very generous in sharing with family and friends, bottles that often cost hundreds of dollars. However, the seven-dollar box of artisanal crackers broke the bank!”
“So hold firm on your fancy soap principles. Without fancy soap, we’re just people… with… soap! NTA.” – BayAreaPupMom
Others simply sat back and enjoyed watching the drama unfold.
“It’s always heartwarming to see two psychopaths find each other and fall in love. God speed to the both of you!” – OhThatOneGuy1
“NTA. I’m just glad to see other people are as immature as my husband and I are. Thank you for that!” – happymomma40
“Soap wars are clean fights. Just don’t get it in your eyes!” – grayblue_grrl
“At some point, OP and his wife are going to have that moment amongst their petty and pretty bathroom where they realize they’re even more deeply in love with each other, or they hate each other and must divorce, lol.” – vikio
“My parents started a war about who got to open the peanut butter first. No idea how it started, but it became a whole thing of who would get to the peanut butter jar first and put their initial in the top.”
“There were even times that my parents insisted on going shopping together, knowing that there was peanut butter on the shopping list and them racing each other to the aisle and opening the jar to get their initials on it.”
“It was all harmless fun, and they had a brilliant relationship. I could totally see them having ‘soap wars.'” – Aracaria2024
“NTA.”
“Background. We almost never buy chips. We both love ’em but don’t think they are good for you.”
“My partner bought chips and hummus for a girls’ night. She would not give me any before she went.”
“Soooo I went and bought a bag for myself. Not to eat but to taunt. I left them in the cupboard where she’d find them. When she did, I told her that these were mine and not for sharing. She laughed! Laughed and opened ’em without my permission and helped herself despite my protests.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“Next time I’ll get a kind she won’t eat.” – ProfessionalVolume93
“Your wife has always secretly wanted fancy soap for herself, but she is a wise, thrifty woman and does not spend on the soap with abandon.”
“She bought the soap she’d always wanted and justified to herself that it was okay, because it was for guests. Not for her.”
“What is the point of your smelling amazing if your wife won’t speak to you? Please bring peace to your household by buying some beautiful, luxurious soap for your wife.” – AnnaPhor
“Can I just say, I hope you and your wife have many, many more issues you want to write about. This is SO hilariously well written! I am in tears. Literally. Thanks for giving me a laugh! NTA.” – corvus_corvus_corvus
“Real talk… I would buy expensive soap labeled as ‘hints of pine, regret, and artisanal disappointment’ in a second.”
“Next, I’d leave a calligraphy note on absurdly extensive linen paper saying, ‘Please wash away your filth with my bougie aspirations. You are most welcome for my thoughtful generosity.'” – MuntjackDrowning
“I’m invested in this. Please update weekly. Add a fancy hand towel and perhaps a little bottle of some kind of freshener your friends might like to dab on after they wash their face.”
“Beard oil or something for after a meal, and maybe a scented witch hazel and some cotton balls.”
“And a pretty photo of the forest.” – sassychubzilla
“OP, we’ll be expecting weekly updates in this soap-opera.” – ErikOxff00000
Fellow Redditors were tickled by the dilemma that the OP found himself in with his wife about the soap. While this might be a headache for the two of them for now, they’ll undoubtedly work it out, laugh it off, and of course, smell great.