No matter how awesome a family unit might be, there are still going to be little family spats and maybe even a family feud or momentary no-contact situation.
Emotions tend to run high among family members, so it only stands to reason that angry emotions could be pretty intense.
Just because it’s a normal occasional occurrence doesn’t mean that family members shouldn’t apologize to each other, though, discerned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Potential-Judgment-9 was a lawyer who made a practice of not offering legal advice to family members and friends because of the possible hurt feelings that could arise.
When he not only was pressured to advise his sister-in-law, but his sister-in-law later ridiculed him and called him an id**t for giving her advice she didn’t like, the Original Poster (OP) needed her to apologize before he was willing to spend time with her again.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for banning my sister-in-law for Christmas?”
The OP did not have a great relationship with his sister-in-law (SIL).
“I (35 Male) and my wife (39 Female) have been married five years now.”
“I get along with her whole family except her younger sister. Her younger sister has always spoken bad about me since we started dating.”
“Mostly, I get the sense she thinks I am not good enough for her sister and I shouldn’t be trusted. Never have I shown her anything to not be trusted, but she feels that way regardless.”
Their relationship worsened after the family coerced the OP into giving his SIL legal advice.
“I’m a lawyer, and a few years ago, she was having some legal issues and needed advice.”
“I told my wife that I would not give her advice because first, the type of legal advice she was seeking was not my specialty, and second, I did not want to get involved with providing legal advice to family members or friends; that’s a personal boundary of mine.”
“I offered to connect her to a colleague who could better assist, but my wife pressured me, and I eventually gave in.”
“I sat with her and heard her issue and gave her my opinion, all of which turned out to be pretty straightforward.”
“But she did not like my opinion. She cussed me out, called me an id**t, said I didn’t know s**t, and flipped me off.”
“I was livid as I was disrespected for just trying to help, after not even wanting to get involved to begin with.”
“I let my wife know I wanted nothing more to do with her.”
“As it turns out, my legal opinion turned out to be true (imagine that), and she got f**ked over for not listening to me (karma).”
“In any case, now when I see her, I’m cordial, but I can never forget the disrespect.”
The OP would never extend his boundaries again, even for Christmas.
“My wife told me last night that her sister and her family are coming over for Christmas.”
“I told her in no way is her sister welcome in my house until I received a genuine apology. I told her I was not going to pretend like nothing happened.”
“My wife says that it was a long time ago. She then said I needed to get on with it and accused me of being vindictive. She even said I’m keeping her from being with her family for Christmas.”
“But I’ve already broken my boundaries for her family before. I won’t do it again for Christmas.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that he deserved an apology from his sister-in-law (SIL).
“NTA tell your wife, does she want the blow up now and to resolve it or does she want to wait for Christmas for that to happen.”
“You don’t resolve issues on holidays. It’ll bring disaster. Make it less about the I don’t want her in my home part and more (because it’s true) your unresolved blow-up between you and her.”
“I think you need to explain to your wife you need her on your side in this conflict because her behavior dictates how her family treats you. And what she tolerates from their bad behavior without calling them into check gives them permission to continue.”
“Recommend a neutral place, make it casual over coffee. Have someone with SIL and make sure your wife knows she’s NOT an unbiased third party in this, she needs to have your back. And straighten this out, definitely before Christmas.” – Cranky70Something
“Nope. NTA.”
“I wouldn’t let SIL in my house, either. Your wife can spend Christmas with your SIL or you, her choice. If she chooses SIL, I’d suggest she take a bag big enough to hold all her stuff, because locks will be changed and papers will be served as quickly as possible.”
“In my mind, this is a divorce-able affront by OP’s own wife…” – BonuyMomSays
“NTA. I wouldn’t have anyone that cussed me out in my house for Christmas either: family or no family. Your wife should be defending you not her AH sister. It sounds like your wife and her sister don’t respect you at all. You should rethink your whole relationship.” – Endora529
“He’s not even keeping her from seeing her family. He’s just asking for an apology. That takes one mildly difficult phone call and possibly a meeting in person. That’s how little she values seeing her family; she can’t even spend a tiny bit of time and pride.” – LawfulNice
“NTA. I’m also a lawyer, and you did what my colleagues and I always do. I don’t take cases that aren’t my specialty because I DON’T KNOW.”
“I also don’t advise family and friends because 1. You are expected not to charge them, 2. They expect you to always be at their disposal, no matter the time or the day, 3. They don’t always listen to you and, if you win, it’s because it was easy and they did it perfectly, if you lose it’s because you’re terrible and you know nothing.”
“There is no way I’d be nice to a family member who behaves like your SIL if she doesn’t apologize. I haven’t studied as much as I did to stand AH. Your wife is completely out of reality, and hasn’t had many interactions with lawyers if that’s what she thinks.” – CartographerEasy1576
“NTA.”
“Your wife needs to step up, but she clearly isn’t. If I were you, I’d take up the matter directly with the sister-in-law.”
“I’d write something like, ‘Hey SIL, we have an issue that I hope we can work out. My wife would really like you to spend time at our house for Christmas, but to be honest, even though we have been cordial, I’m having some difficulty with hosting you because of how rude and disrespectful you were that I time that I tried to help you with [whatever that was]. How can we resolve this?'”
“Let her suggest an apology. If she goes off, forget about her coming over. She’s feral.” – Curious-One4595
Others agreed but also felt that the OP’s wife was the biggest problem in the equation.
“NTA. People in a relationship should never tolerate, let alone support, disrespect of their partner like that.” – Haikus_For_Freedom
“The wife has no respect for the OP. She forced him when he said no and when the sister acted like a spoiled brat she didn’t do anything about it. OP needs to take a better look at his relationship.” – National-Platypus144
“NTA.”
“I can’t imagine even your wife thinks this is a toss-up. She’s definitely just avoiding conflict. If your sister-in-law can’t accept your marriage and respect you in your own home, she has no right to be there. Setting these types of boundaries is key for your partner to respect you, and upholding them helps you respect yourself.”
“Your wife, on the other hand, is a complete AH. Let’s take a look at the list, shall we? She owes you an apology for forcing you to give advice to someone whom you disliked and who didn’t respect you, she owes you one for not supporting you when her sister behaved inappropriately, one for inviting her sister over without telling you, and one for disregarding your boundary thereafter.”
“I would have a serious talk with your wife, both about her family and her respect for you. Best of luck.” – jakekara4
“NTA. Tell your wife she can go to her sister’s place for Christmas. Then you aren’t keeping her from her family who is more important to her than you.”
“It’s probably a good thing that your advice was true, and she didn’t follow it. She seems to be the type that if you were wrong and she followed it she would have sued you.”
“I don’t know about lawyers, but I’ve had a few healthcare personnel mention how they can get sued for giving advice if something goes wrong. Your boundary is a good one to live by.” – Sensitive_Note1139
“NTA. Incidentally, it was your wife who caused the issue because she forced you to give SIL advice when you clearly said that doing so crossed your personal boundaries. Now your wife is forcing you to allow SIL into your home.”
“I’m seeing a lot of red flags with your wife. Maybe she and her sister really aren’t that different after all.” – Bulky_Specialist9645
“NTA. Lawyer here. First, your wife talked you into giving legal advice to a family member (the sister), which breaks one of your only boundaries. Then you are completely disrespected by the sister because (shocker) she didn’t like to hear the truth of her situation. Why is this always the lawyer’s fault?”
“And somehow, even though this apparently happened some time ago, no one in the family has ever stood up for you and made the sister apologize for her crappy behavior? I wouldn’t accept her in my home either. You are not keeping your wife from her family. YOU are her family. She, however, is not supporting you.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
The subReddit couldn’t help but side-eye the situation that the OP found himself in and wonder if he deserved better. Not only had his boundaries been stomped on before, which led to his sister-in-law stomping on his profession and intellect, but now his wife, who should support him more than anyone else, was trying to stomp on his boundaries again by inviting the sister-in-law into his home.
Everyone deserves to receive apologies when they are wronged. The person they’re married to should support them and make them feel prioritized, and a person’s home should feel like their safe space. But right now, it seemed the OP was striking out, zero out of three.