No matter how awesome a family unit might be, there are still going to be little family spats and maybe even a family feud or momentary no-contact situation.
Emotions tend to run high among family members, so it only stands to reason that angry emotions could be pretty intense.
Just because it's a normal occasional occurrence doesn't mean that family members shouldn't apologize to each other, though, discerned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Potential-Judgment-9 was a lawyer who made a practice of not offering legal advice to family members and friends because of the possible hurt feelings that could arise.
When he not only was pressured to advise his sister-in-law, but his sister-in-law later ridiculed him and called him an id**t for giving her advice she didn't like, the Original Poster (OP) needed her to apologize before he was willing to spend time with her again.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for banning my sister-in-law for Christmas?"
The OP did not have a great relationship with his sister-in-law (SIL).
"I (35 Male) and my wife (39 Female) have been married five years now."
"I get along with her whole family except her younger sister. Her younger sister has always spoken bad about me since we started dating."
"Mostly, I get the sense she thinks I am not good enough for her sister and I shouldn't be trusted. Never have I shown her anything to not be trusted, but she feels that way regardless."
Their relationship worsened after the family coerced the OP into giving his SIL legal advice.
"I'm a lawyer, and a few years ago, she was having some legal issues and needed advice."
"I told my wife that I would not give her advice because first, the type of legal advice she was seeking was not my specialty, and second, I did not want to get involved with providing legal advice to family members or friends; that's a personal boundary of mine."
"I offered to connect her to a colleague who could better assist, but my wife pressured me, and I eventually gave in."
"I sat with her and heard her issue and gave her my opinion, all of which turned out to be pretty straightforward."
"But she did not like my opinion. She cussed me out, called me an id**t, said I didn't know s**t, and flipped me off."
"I was livid as I was disrespected for just trying to help, after not even wanting to get involved to begin with."
"I let my wife know I wanted nothing more to do with her."
"As it turns out, my legal opinion turned out to be true (imagine that), and she got f**ked over for not listening to me (karma)."
"In any case, now when I see her, I'm cordial, but I can never forget the disrespect."
The OP would never extend his boundaries again, even for Christmas.
"My wife told me last night that her sister and her family are coming over for Christmas."
"I told her in no way is her sister welcome in my house until I received a genuine apology. I told her I was not going to pretend like nothing happened."
"My wife says that it was a long time ago. She then said I needed to get on with it and accused me of being vindictive. She even said I'm keeping her from being with her family for Christmas."
"But I've already broken my boundaries for her family before. I won't do it again for Christmas."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that he deserved an apology from his sister-in-law (SIL).
"NTA tell your wife, does she want the blow up now and to resolve it or does she want to wait for Christmas for that to happen."
"You don't resolve issues on holidays. It'll bring disaster. Make it less about the I don't want her in my home part and more (because it's true) your unresolved blow-up between you and her."
"I think you need to explain to your wife you need her on your side in this conflict because her behavior dictates how her family treats you. And what she tolerates from their bad behavior without calling them into check gives them permission to continue."
"Recommend a neutral place, make it casual over coffee. Have someone with SIL and make sure your wife knows she's NOT an unbiased third party in this, she needs to have your back. And straighten this out, definitely before Christmas." - Cranky70Something
"Nope. NTA."
"I wouldn't let SIL in my house, either. Your wife can spend Christmas with your SIL or you, her choice. If she chooses SIL, I'd suggest she take a bag big enough to hold all her stuff, because locks will be changed and papers will be served as quickly as possible."
"In my mind, this is a divorce-able affront by OP's own wife..." - BonuyMomSays
"NTA. I wouldn't have anyone that cussed me out in my house for Christmas either: family or no family. Your wife should be defending you not her AH sister. It sounds like your wife and her sister don't respect you at all. You should rethink your whole relationship." - Endora529
"He's not even keeping her from seeing her family. He's just asking for an apology. That takes one mildly difficult phone call and possibly a meeting in person. That's how little she values seeing her family; she can't even spend a tiny bit of time and pride." - LawfulNice
"NTA. I'm also a lawyer, and you did what my colleagues and I always do. I don't take cases that aren't my specialty because I DON'T KNOW."
"I also don't advise family and friends because 1. You are expected not to charge them, 2. They expect you to always be at their disposal, no matter the time or the day, 3. They don't always listen to you and, if you win, it's because it was easy and they did it perfectly, if you lose it's because you're terrible and you know nothing."
"There is no way I'd be nice to a family member who behaves like your SIL if she doesn't apologize. I haven't studied as much as I did to stand AH. Your wife is completely out of reality, and hasn't had many interactions with lawyers if that's what she thinks." - CartographerEasy1576
"NTA."
"Your wife needs to step up, but she clearly isn't. If I were you, I'd take up the matter directly with the sister-in-law."
"I'd write something like, 'Hey SIL, we have an issue that I hope we can work out. My wife would really like you to spend time at our house for Christmas, but to be honest, even though we have been cordial, I'm having some difficulty with hosting you because of how rude and disrespectful you were that I time that I tried to help you with [whatever that was]. How can we resolve this?'"
"Let her suggest an apology. If she goes off, forget about her coming over. She's feral." - Curious-One4595
Others agreed but also felt that the OP's wife was the biggest problem in the equation.
"NTA. People in a relationship should never tolerate, let alone support, disrespect of their partner like that." - Haikus_For_Freedom
"The wife has no respect for the OP. She forced him when he said no and when the sister acted like a spoiled brat she didn't do anything about it. OP needs to take a better look at his relationship." - National-Platypus144
"NTA."
"I can't imagine even your wife thinks this is a toss-up. She's definitely just avoiding conflict. If your sister-in-law can't accept your marriage and respect you in your own home, she has no right to be there. Setting these types of boundaries is key for your partner to respect you, and upholding them helps you respect yourself."
"Your wife, on the other hand, is a complete AH. Let's take a look at the list, shall we? She owes you an apology for forcing you to give advice to someone whom you disliked and who didn't respect you, she owes you one for not supporting you when her sister behaved inappropriately, one for inviting her sister over without telling you, and one for disregarding your boundary thereafter."
"I would have a serious talk with your wife, both about her family and her respect for you. Best of luck." - jakekara4
"NTA. Tell your wife she can go to her sister's place for Christmas. Then you aren't keeping her from her family who is more important to her than you."
"It's probably a good thing that your advice was true, and she didn't follow it. She seems to be the type that if you were wrong and she followed it she would have sued you."
"I don't know about lawyers, but I've had a few healthcare personnel mention how they can get sued for giving advice if something goes wrong. Your boundary is a good one to live by." - Sensitive_Note1139
"NTA. Incidentally, it was your wife who caused the issue because she forced you to give SIL advice when you clearly said that doing so crossed your personal boundaries. Now your wife is forcing you to allow SIL into your home."
"I'm seeing a lot of red flags with your wife. Maybe she and her sister really aren't that different after all." - Bulky_Specialist9645
"NTA. Lawyer here. First, your wife talked you into giving legal advice to a family member (the sister), which breaks one of your only boundaries. Then you are completely disrespected by the sister because (shocker) she didn't like to hear the truth of her situation. Why is this always the lawyer's fault?"
"And somehow, even though this apparently happened some time ago, no one in the family has ever stood up for you and made the sister apologize for her crappy behavior? I wouldn't accept her in my home either. You are not keeping your wife from her family. YOU are her family. She, however, is not supporting you." - Lazy-Instruction-600
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye the situation that the OP found himself in and wonder if he deserved better. Not only had his boundaries been stomped on before, which led to his sister-in-law stomping on his profession and intellect, but now his wife, who should support him more than anyone else, was trying to stomp on his boundaries again by inviting the sister-in-law into his home.
Everyone deserves to receive apologies when they are wronged. The person they're married to should support them and make them feel prioritized, and a person's home should feel like their safe space. But right now, it seemed the OP was striking out, zero out of three.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp