Content Warning: Mental Health, Self-Sabotaging, Infertility, Infertility Guilt
As easy-going as we might like to appear, we all have standards when it comes to relationships and friendships, and some of those standards can be resoundingly high.
But there are some standards, like expecting someone to keep up with their personal hygiene, that generally make sense, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ElectricalCookie4231 loved his wife, but he had noticed in recent months that she had started to change her appearance and also how frequently she practiced good personal hygiene.
When she broached the subject of her appearance, the Original Poster (OP) felt like he had no other choice but to be honest with her, much to her chagrin.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for giving my wife my honest opinion?”
The OP had recently noticed some changes in his wife.
“I (39 Male) have been with my wife (38 Female) since we were in college.”
“My wife lately started a new lifestyle, I guess you could say, in which she believes in no deodorant, no shaving, showering only if she gets dirty, no makeup, and no wearing nice clothes.”
“She doesn’t have depression or anything. It started when she joined a new yoga class.”
“I never commented because she is a grown woman and can do what she wants with her body, but the change has been noticeable for me.”
When his wife asked for his opinion about her new appearance, he decided to be honest.
“She asked me today how I felt about her ‘new me.'”
“I told her it didn’t matter how I felt as long as it made her happy.”
“She kept asking, ‘But I wanna know how you feel?'”
“Eventually, I said, ‘You really wanna know how I feel? I miss the woman I fell in love with! She used to dress nice, smell great, shower every day, wear makeup, and brush her hair. I really don’t like this whole all-natural thing, but again, it’s not my decision so I have no say in it.'”
The OP’s wife did not appreciate his honesty.
“She started crying and called me an insensitive, vain jerk and now doesn’t talk to me.”
“Was I a jerk when she wanted my opinion?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said she shouldn’t have asked the question if she wasn’t ready for the answer.
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to.” – shammy_dammy
“Extending that, if you do some extreme natural body thing, you need to be able to handle how people react to it. If you break down crying when someone says you stink, then it’s not the lifestyle for you.” – horselover_fat
“You’d be the jerk if you lied to her. She asked for your opinion; you didn’t just give it unsolicited. If she didn’t want you to be honest, she shouldn’t have asked.” – Momma-Fish10
“NTA. She wanted your honest opinion, and you gave it. She should take into account that her hygiene decisions do impact you, to an extent, because this is the person you’re having sex with, sleeping next to, and sharing a household in general.”
“Of course, as you said, it’s still completely her decision, but I feel as your wife she should take into account how you feel as well. And unfortunately, she got an answer she didn’t expect. It’s not your fault for being honest.” – Longjumping-Bet5293
“She didn’t want his honest opinion. She wanted validation.” – n9neinchn8
Others agreed and also thought the OP’s wife might be taking the lifestyle too far.
“NTA, and I’m going to chime in as someone who lives as crunchy granola earthy as possible: she’s being gross, man. There’s a difference between shunning consumerism and living outside of beauty standard norms, and being unhygienic.”
“There’s a middle ground here and she’s choosing to hang out on the extreme side. It sounds like she gave up a lot of practices that weren’t serving her but didn’t replace them with something else.”
“Giving up deodorant and changing your showering routine doesn’t magically make you not stink. And for the record: you’ve handled it very gallantly; well done.” – SickSwan
“I knew a few very hippy-type folks, and they were always clean at the very least. They usually wore organic cotton and ate veggie or vegan, but there’s a big difference between being natural and being unhygienic.”
“On a deodorant front, I actually found the salt deodorant sticks very good. I still sweat, but I never smelled using them, and they are all natural.” – Party-Walk-3020
“It’s funny because I’m a regular (one to two per day) shower, but I don’t wear deodorant. It clogged my pores, and I smelled so bad for years. I stopped using it ten years ago, my underarms are no longer bumpy and sore, and I (objectively) don’t smell or really have any body odor. I wear natural fibres, and most of my clothes don’t cling to my underarms, so I think that helps…”
“Not shaving isn’t a huge deal, in my opinion. But not being well groomed (hair, nails, skin, teeth, clean clothes) is gross. YOU CAN CATCH TOOTH DECAY. Yuck yuck yuck.”
“And not showering is REALLY unhygienic. I would have to wash the sheets every day/second day if I was in OP’s position. NTA, OP.” – AdFun2309
“I do a LOT of yoga. At least four classes per week, but most weeks, it’s five to six. Now and then, someone comes in who has embraced the full-on hippy lifestyle.”
“I couldn’t care less about shaving. You do you. I wish I could embrace that part myself sometimes, but I’m a creature of habit. Some classes are so packed we’re definitely sweating on each other.”
“It’s gag-worthy when people come in already stinking, and it’s clear they haven’t showered for a while, but then they’re doused in essential oils or whatever, so it’s body odor and patchouli.” – LunaLovegood00
“You can’t expect people to like that you don’t shower.”
“I’m always very visual, and I’m already imagining her wanting to have sex with her husband…but haven’t showered in days.”
“‘But I’m wearing perfume/cologne/oils that smell nice!’ Like, we know. Body odor is not a coverable smell, and half a bottle of headache juice won’t fix it.”
“Don’t ask questions if you’re not ready for the honest answer. NTA.” – Accomplished_Fee_179
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a positive update in another post.
“Some people asked if she ever sought therapy after our failed fertility journey. No! She didn’t. It really hit me, and I never noticed how it affected her. She still gets upset over pregnancy announcements from even strangers and avoids baby showers.”
“I decided to have a chat with her, and she said she has been watching a lot of videos and thinks all the chemicals caused her infertility.”
“I was 100% wrong; it wasn’t the yoga class. She was following some stuff she watched online about detoxing her body from ‘chemicals.'”
“She said she feels like she is not a woman because she can’t give me kids.”
“I told her I don’t want to have kids anymore and that I’m content with our decision.”
“I’m not sure why she thought doing that to her body could help. She said I have been distant and not affectionate anymore.”
“I laughed and said it has nothing to do with not having kids; it has to do with her detox. I told her, ‘You have done nothing wrong; why are you punishing and detoxing your body?'”
“We are going to meet a counselor soon. For now, yes, she showered and brushed her hair, and we went for mini golf and brunch”
“And yes, I was a mega a**hole, I admit it.”
Some sympathized with the OP’s wife and were grateful the OP was being supportive.
“Sometimes with a truly bitter pill like infertility, people will look for any explanation at all, because ‘no one caused this and sometimes sad things happen’ is really discomforting. They’ll even accept explanations that make them the bad guy, because at least it’s better than no understanding at all.”
“It’s sad, and I’m glad you are a supportive guy. She’ll need you as she recovers and hopefully learns to accept that no one is to blame; not her, or anyone else.” – chillanous
“Infertility can really mess with a woman’s whole self-image and self-worth. My experience with it was I could get pregnant with no problem but could never get past the five-month point. I couldn’t even bear to watch babies on TV shows without crying.”
“I had to go into therapy because my avoidance of anything pregnancy or baby-related was taking over my life, and I could deal with it. It was drilled into my head from a young age that women were life-givers, and we were the ones that gave new life to the world. And here I was unable to, and people were so judgemental always asking no children yet?”
“Even from the ones that knew my issues. Or the looks of pity, don’t know which I hated more.”
“We both got checked out, and there was no medical or genetic reason why we shouldn’t have them. With therapy, I just learned to accept it, and we quit trying.”
“Two years and eight pregnancies later, we had our baby! My therapist said sometimes the stress of trying too hard throws things off, and once the stress is gone, it can happen.”
“OP, I truly hope that it can happen for you both, too.” – Misa7_2006
“This makes me sad too. Somehow I completely missed your mention of infertility in the original thread. I’m so sorry OP, I’m so glad she opened up to you and you now know what is going on, and that she showered (yay).”
“My heart goes out to her, she’s not less of a woman if she doesn’t have children. She didn’t do anything wrong to cause her infertility (she didn’t cause it!!).”
“I’m glad you’re so supportive OP, and I think therapy is a wonderful idea (I started therapy myself a couple of months ago for completely different reasons and highly recommend it).”
“I just want to say she can live a beautiful and fulfilling life without kids and have more money and freedom than those of us who do. Thank you for the update, and I wish you both the best.” – OldLineLib
“I’m sad for her. I didn’t read this update as someone eliminating chemicals to increase the likelihood of getting pregnant… more that she didn’t deserve to feel attractive or kept because she wasn’t successful in getting pregnant (because how would not brushing your hair impact your chances of fertility?). NTA to both of you, OP. I wish you healing.” – ReferenceHere_8383
“That made me sad to read too, but oh my goodness, this was so very wholesome!!”
“I’m really happy that you two are going to get therapy and that you discovered the root of the problem. So many things can be hashed out and better understood if more people would just talk about them with each other.”
“And don’t let her fall down the rabbit hole with this stuff. She needs to get off the internet for a while.”
“I’m really rooting for you both, and I’m happy that you’re being there for your wife. Hope you two had fun on your date!!” – DarthOswinTwin2
The subReddit was both relieved and saddened to discover the explanation behind the OP’s wife’s new lifestyle, and they were grateful the OP supported his wife during this transition.
With a supportive partner, therapy, and trying out different hygiene products to see what worked best for her, the subReddit rooted in union for the couple and hoped for the wife to lead a fulfilling and happy life, no matter what.