Guy Considers Breaking Up With Girlfriend After Her Late Boyfriend's Dad Calls Him 'Unmanly'

Content Warning: Adult Child Loss, Partner Loss, Grief, Grieving Process

Grief is often a terrible, ugly thing, and it impacts everyone differently. How we process will be different for each person, from how we behave to how long it takes for the healing process to begin.

But lashing out at someone for not being the person we miss is completely unreasonable, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, no matter how much we miss the other person.

Redditor throwawaydhdj6582 was surprised when his girlfriend wanted him to meet two very special people in her life: her late boyfriend's parents.

But when they openly criticized him and compared him to their late son, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure if he could stay in the relationship if it meant continuing to be in touch with the late boyfriend's parents.

He asked the sub:

"WIBTAH (Would I be the a**hole) for breaking up with my girlfriend because of what her late boyfriend's dad says to me?"

The OP's girlfriend recently introduced him to her late boyfriend's parents.

"My girlfriend's last boyfriend died in a car crash some years ago. My girlfriend told me about this when we became official."

"Now, she's still close to her dead boyfriend's mom and dad, and she wanted to introduce me to them."

"I thought it'd be awkward, but I decided to go along with it. After all, she mentioned that she considers them just like her own parents."

The late boyfriend's parents were endlessly critical of the OP.

"We've visited them a few times, and the dad made comments."

"One time, the dad talked up how 'manly' his son was, how he used to work on cars, how you could always tell he was a real man because his hands were always dirty."

"He asked me what I did for work, and I said I work as an accountant. He said, 'Yeah, I could tell it was something like that, your hands haven't seen any real work.'"

"It's been like this every time we visit them. He mentions how great his son is at something, and asks me something and then says how 'unmanly' I am."

The OP's girlfriend was not ready to listen to his concerns.

"I've talked to my girlfriend about it, but she says I'm just being insecure, and I shouldn't feel threatened by it."

"I told her I don't want to visit them anymore. And we got into a pretty big fight. She said that maybe the dad was right and that I needed to be more manly."

"Would I be the a**hole if I broke up with her?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some couldn't imagine trying to live up to the expectations the OP had in front of him.

"The OP's girlfriend and the late boyfriend's father have, understandably, bonded through grief. The girlfriend is a reminder of their dead son, and the parents are a reminder of her dead boyfriend."

"The Dad will never accept a new man in her life because their existence is a reminder that his son is dead."

"The OP will never, ever win. NTA." - Overall-Stop-8573

"NTA. If you get married and have kids, just wait for dead boyfriend's parents to tell you how much cuter the kids would be if they were their son's kids instead of yours. And to name the first son after the dead boyfriend." - jam7789

"If your girlfriend is taking the dead boyfriend's dad side when he disrespected you, then it's time to walk away."

"You will never be number one; the dead guy is. You can make billions of dollars and he will always have her heart."

"Just move on. NTA." - ncjr591

"You can never live up to a deceased person. If she can't let go of the past, there is no future." - hiimlauralee

"There was a post here about a guy who was in a similar situation with his wife. His wife still kept in contact with her late husband's parents."

"They come over to visit the baby OP had with the wife often and talked about how the baby is pretty but imagine how pretty the baby would be if the wife had a baby with their late son."

"I can't imagine the pain of losing your own child. But it's not nice to be insensitive like that even in your grief." - Pizzacato567

"So… This is about as weird as it gets, man."

"Tell her it's over unless she decides to get a major reality check. You don't deserve to have some guy making passive-aggressive comments about you because you're living the life he wishes his son could live."

"It's not fair from her, even, to keep torturing them with the daughter-in-law they'll never actually have. Any therapist would 100% side with you, and if y'all are in any way serious, I would recommend you go see one ASAP because that's the most unhealthy thing of all time."

"Gotta move on from this one if she doesn't see the light." - EhhhhhhWhatever

"She is still dating her dead boyfriend. OP is merely the warm body meant to integrate into her perfect life living in the past with her dead boyfriend and his parents." - starktargaryen75

"NTA. The OP said, 'She says I'm just being insecure.' She has to be a fully paid member of the Reddit brigade."

"Any time a man expresses any standard, boundary, preference or doubt, he is accused of being 'insecure.'"

"The minute your girlfriend said you needed to be more manly is the moment you should have kicked her ass to the curb."

"As you are throwing her out, tell her you decided to 'man up.'"

"Your girlfriend is a huge a**hole." - BlueGreen_1956

Others agreed and couldn't imagine having two sets of in-laws to deal with. 

"It's like having an extra set of in-laws that don't approve of you."

"Who the h**l needs that? I had what I called in-laws, ex-laws, and outlaws. It was h**l. Nobody likes you and you don't even know these muthas!" - danddroid126

"NTA. You are saving yourself from a lifetime of miserable visits and unnecessary comparisons." - sine_denarios

"NTA. Why does she want you to have a relationship with these people?"

"She's free to maintain a relationship. Insisting on introducing you, and continuing to take you around there, independent of the disrespect and lack of understanding, is just creepy." - SharkWeekJunkie

"If she can't see how disrespectful the father is being to you, and instead takes his side, it sounds to me like they both can't move on from their loss and trying to force you into becoming the dead boyfriend."

"They choose not to move on, but you definitely should. They are being the AH to you. Find someone who respects you and loves you for who you are." - Foxbythesea247

"I'm sure if his ex's mom was always droning on about how pretty and perfect her daughter was and that she could never even hope to live up to her memory OP's (hopefully ex) girlfriend would lose her mind."

"If she wouldn't accept that kind of treatment, OP shouldn't, either. It takes all kinds of people in all kinds of positions to make life work. It's great he was 'manly' and could work on cars. Could he sell one, though? Could he work out financing for someone? Would he be able to forecast whether someone could even afford to finance the vehicle he worked so hard on?"

"I understand people like to glorify the dead but it's such a small-minded, prejudiced thing to say to anyone. And honestly, if that's their 'family' dynamic, I'd reflect on what a family with this woman would look like if that's acceptable to her."

"Would any future son be able to be emotional? Take interest in more 'brain than brawn' education or pursuits/hobbies? There's a lot more to consider than the slight against OP." - z00k33per0304

"The first mistake was agreeing to meet the ex's parents. I would have had a hard, fast 'hold on' moment."

"Move on, leave her with the dead ex's parents, and find someone not carrying a torch for the past." - kevtay1969

"Your girlfriend needs to stand up for you and demand that they respect her relationship. She's not doing that. In fact, she's putting you down. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings. No one would be ok with this."

"Maybe you should take her to an ex-girlfriend's house and have those set of parents tell her how much better their daughter is. Or maybe she should find someone "manly" and you should find someone who is a decent person and a good partner." - Away-Understanding34

"You tried, and that's more than most people would do. The dad obviously misses his son and is in pain. This does not give him the right to treat you as he does."

"Tell your girlfriend that you don't mind if she goes but it's obviously very painful for the dad to see you in his sons' place, so it's better if you do not go and visit them. She's free to visit as she likes, you'll never stand in the way of that."

"If she cannot handle that or thinks less of you, you have a tough choice."

"Also, I hope you know, if you marry her, they will be invited, she will likely treat them as grandparents if you have kids. Yes, it's a long way off, but it will eventually happen. So grow a thick skin, or protect yourself another way." - ph_ph-photobomb

"Take their advice. Man Up. Dump this whole toxic, cold-hearted group of id**ts." - HasOneHere

The subReddit felt that the OP was in an impossible position and completely understood considering leaving the relationship. It was clear that the late boyfriend's parents were still processing their loss, but it seemed likely that the OP's girlfriend wasn't ready for a new relationship, either.