While it’s easy to think about the excitement of inviting a new baby into the world, a lot of people forget how hard and dangerous the journey to the baby’s arrival can be.
Pregnancies are inherently complicated, and the situation can change at any time, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor mneis927272 was conflicted about her husband going on a work trip toward the end of her high-risk pregnancy.
But when he seemed reluctant to cancel his plans, the Original Poster (OP) felt guilty about telling him how she felt.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for making my husband feel bad about going on a trip while I’m 33 weeks pregnant (high-risk)?”
The OP was excited about her husband’s upcoming work trip.
“My husband is planning to go on an all-expenses-paid celebratory trip with his colleagues to Europe soon (and is adding a couple of days to see his family).”
“At the time of his travels, I will be 32/33 weeks pregnant with our second child.”
But she had her reservations.
“Although I really would love for him to go and have some fun, there are several reasons why I’m not feeling good about him going on this trip:”
“This is a high-risk pregnancy. Our first child was born at 32 weeks and was severely growth-restricted (weighing less than a kilo).”
“For this pregnancy, the same issue has been found, but I am taking medication that seems to be working so far. But as of 28 weeks and onwards, the risks will increase, and therefore we are having a growth scan every two weeks.”
“These scans are important, and though it all seems to have gone okay so far, there is a risk that the baby will stop growing and will need to be born before the scheduled c-section at 38 weeks.”
“Having said that, all looks okay so far and we are optimistic about making it to the 38 weeks.”
The OP also didn’t feel like she had very much support at home.
“I am the caretaker of our toddler, but due to this pregnancy, I was told to take it really easy and not lift anything (including my toddler).”
“With my husband away, all of the care would be on me, and it would be very difficult to take it easy.”
“We have recently moved to another continent and have no social network or backup in place. If something were to happen, I have no idea who to call to look after our toddler. I would literally be on my own.”
“He would be away for 10 days in total, which I think is too long.”
“He would be two flights away, a total of 15 hours in the air, excluding layover.”
The OP was also nervous about this birth being like the previous one.
“The 32-week mark will be an emotional time for me, as that’s when our first child was born through emergency c-section after a very scary pregnancy in which we were never sure if he would make it.”
“He spent 2 months in hospital before coming home. Hitting the 32 weeks will be a milestone, but at the same time brings back memories. I’m just not feeling very confident, the further along I get.”
“I’m at a higher risk of getting pre-eclampsia and last week’s blood test showed heightened values. Nothing concerning yet, but something to keep checking up on.”
“Also, my husband’s event will be at a destination famous for its party scene. There will be a lot of alcohol and whatnot involved, making a potential ’emergency’ flight home impossible. I feel this is inconsiderate and irresponsible considering the situation.”
The OP was conflicted about telling her husband how she felt.
“Although I don’t want to be the one telling him he can’t go, I have mentioned to him that I feel uncomfortable with him going on this trip.”
“He says he feels bad for going but does not want to consider canceling.”
“Am I the a**hole for making him feel bad for going on this trip?”
“Or is he the a**hole for putting this trip over his wife and children’s wellbeing?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely agreed with the OP’s concerns about her husband’s travel plans.
“What the f**k happens when the toddler takes off running towards traffic, the way they do? She can’t chase him. If she manages to grab him, his momentum will pull her over.”
“What happens when he has a screaming meltdown that he’s not allowed to fling himself into traffic? She can’t put him in the car. She can’t even put down the diaper bag and get a snack out of it because she can’t carry the diaper bag.”
“Speaking of diapers, what happens when he needs his diaper changed? Is he gonna levitate up onto the changing station?”
“I mean, we’ve already found three showstoppers and we haven’t even gotten to lunch on the first day. This guy is out of his mind.” – onmyknees4anyone
“How do you go 10 days without picking up a toddler? Like typically you have to pick them up to put them in the bath, put them in their crib, etc?? It’s impossible!!”
“What the f**k is this guy thinking leaving her like that?” – suspicioussoup404
“The worst-case scenario, OP dies, and I’m not being dramatic, it’s a very real possibility with normal pregnancies and birth, much more so high risk.”
“The best-case scenario is that he has an awesome time and OP is stressed out of her gourd, anxious as f**k, and p**sed, all great things for a high-risk, expectant mother and unborn baby.”
“He’s an a**hole for even thinking of going.” – HauntedPickleJar
“OP should spell this out for him because he’s being selfish. The worst case is something happens at home and she and the baby die on the floor in front of a toddler who can’t call for help.”
“It’s extreme, but if she slips? Falls in the shower? Maybe it won’t happen, but it could.”
“ALSO! [The pandemic] is still a thing! He could easily bring something back with him.”
“There isn’t a support system or plan in place in case of emergency. NTA.” – hufflepunkk
Others suggested making a plan with the husband to help open his eyes to her concerns.
“She should not be the primary one caring for the toddler now let alone at 32 weeks.”
“NTA OP, this trip shouldn’t even be on the table without there being a nurse and nanny scheduled full-time to be with you while he’s gone.”
“I really hope you and the new sprout get through this OK, but your husband is NOT being a husband or father right now.” – Throwawayhater3343
“I would have him make a plan. What is your plan for our toddler if I give birth while you are gone? What is your plan for childcare for our toddler while you are gone? What is your plan if, God forbid, something should happen to me while you are gone or there are complications with the delivery?”
“Is our toddler supposed to wander the hospital until you return? What is your plan for me getting to and from the hospital? What is your plan for our toddler if our newborn has an extended stay at the hospital? What is your plan for returning? Do you even care about our family?”
“He is BEYOND selfish! I would take him to the next OB appointment, explain to the doctor what he wants to do, and let the doctor call him an idiot.” – melibel24
“OP needs to sit down and go through a list of things that need an emergency plan.”
“Including babysitting, transport to a hospital, signing stuff in case OP is not able to consent to a procedure, major complications, how long would it take him to get back to OP’s location if needed, and emotional support for OP and the other child (seeing your mom going into labor and /or being stressed out is not easy on a child).”
“To be honest, the fact that he is even considering going on a trip considering everything OP said is in AH territory for him. He is not being a good parent or spouse. I really hope he wakes up.” – onlytexts
“I’d be fuming even with a support system in place considering the circumstances. But without!!?? Just wow, OP.” – NatZaJu
Some were angry enough to end the marriage over this.
“The toddler that she can’t pick up is the part that is making me crazy. Like, has her husband even provided any ideas on how to take care of their child for 10 days when she’s alone and isn’t able to lift him?”
“I’d rethink my whole marriage if my husband left me in this situation to go party.” – topania
“I needed surgery when my kids were tiny and put it off for years because I knew I wouldn’t have the support there to take care of them while I recovered. It turned into an emergency, and I had no choice.”
“It was a really hard couple of months, made worse by an ex who decided it was a good time to try and have me declared unfit because of it (because there’s no way in h**l he would have helped me).”
“I also had surgery last month and can’t lift anything over 2 pounds until at least my appointment next week. I can’t even fill up my sugar bowl because the bag is on the top shelf and I can’t get a chair to climb up on. I have to wait for help to have a coffee.”
“The OP needs to let him know that he can’t go because she’s 100% going to need him. And if he does anyway, she needs to ditch him.” – Tatterhood78
“I’d tell him, ‘Make sure to take all of your important documents and anything you don’t want to lose with you, because if you walk out that door, I’m changing the locks. I am physically unable to provide basic care for our toddler, I am on bed rest, and I am about to pop at any moment. If you decide to leave the country to party while your wife and child need you here, you will no longer have a wife when you get back.'” – PlsHelpHowDoIDoThis
“If my husband left for that trip, I’d pack up me and my toddler and go to my sister’s. He’d be lucky if we ever came back. That would be the end of the relationship for me.” – Lothadriel
The subReddit not only agreed with the OP’s concerns about her husband going on a trip at that point in her pregnancy, but they were furious with him for prioritizing a work trip over safety.
So many things could happen at that point in any pregnancy, but with it also being high-risk and a toddler being involved, it seemed like a trip that was just asking for trouble.