Even though we're at the end of 2021, many of us are still struggling with moments of sexual harassment in our day-to-day lives, like catcalling on the street.
The best thing we can do is stand up for each other when these moments happen, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor d0vahkiit went so far as to kick her boyfriend's brother out of her car after he behaved inappropriately in her car.
But after seeing her boyfriend's reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was too harsh.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for leaving my boyfriend's brother on the side of the road?"
The OP offered to give her boyfriend's brother a ride.
"Not long ago, I (21 [Female]) was in the car with my boyfriend (25 [Male]) who I'll call 'Rick' and his older brother (27 [Male]) who I'll call 'Jay.'"
"I was the one driving and owner of the car. Rick was sitting in the passenger seat next to me, and Jay was in the back."
"I had agreed to give Jay a ride somewhere since he has no car or license, and Rick had tagged along."
The brother started making comments from the backseat.
"Everything was going fine until I drove up to a red light."
"We're sitting there when Jay noticed a woman walking on the sidewalk, who he proceeded to start catcalling."
"He was yelling things like, 'Hey sexy, nice a**, come over here,' etc, and whistling at her."
"This immediately made me annoyed, since I can't stand when guys talk to me or other women this way. It's degrading and was obviously making the woman feel uncomfortable."
"So I told Jay I wasn't going to have catcalling happening from my car. Either he could stop right away or get out and find another ride."
"He started arguing that he was allowed to say what he wants and women like to be complimented anyway."
The OP heard enough.
"We went back and forth for a little bit when finally I just pulled over and told him to get out of the car."
"I said that since he wanted to harass someone so badly, then he could do it from the sidewalk but not my back seat."
"Then I drove off. I didn't just leave him stranded, as he had a phone and money."
The OP's boyfriend was not pleased.
"But Rick was upset, saying I went too far and that kicking him out of the car was petty."
"He didn't really talk to me the rest of the drive home."
"Jay is still angry and hasn't talked to me since, and he's telling his family about what a jerk I am for ditching him."
"Most of them have taken his side and say I am in the wrong for overreacting, but I don't think so."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP undoubtedly did the right thing.
"NTA. If more of these jerks were brought up short every time they did this sort of thing, maybe they'd learn to be more civil. Also, you gave him an opportunity to stop, and he didn't."
"It was your car and you were giving him a ride as a favor, and he took it upon himself to act like a total tool? And he tried to 'explain' how women felt about catcalled? Gross."
"Good for you, OP. Keep polishing that nice, shiny spine!" - Arbor_Arabicae
"NTA."
"1. It's not hard to be a decent human being, and his mansplaination of what women like is obnoxious."
"2. Even if he hadn't done he above (which he did), it's your car, your rules." - QuiestestDesperations
"NTA"
"He could've just... stopped. Like it would've been so simple to just NOT scream harassment out the window. But somehow he thinks you're petty?" - personofpaper
"Absolutely NTA, catcalling is deplorable and by letting it happen you're facilitating it. Kicking him out sets a clear message on where you stand and allows Jay a hard learned lesson." - CustomerComfortable3
"NTA. You were doing someone a favor."
"They did something offensive in your car, refused to stop, and had the nerve to argue with you, stating he is entitled to behave that way."
"In short, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your bf and his family aren't any better." - holisarcasm
Others agreed and cautioned the OP to take a hard look at her relationship.
"NTA."
"Catcalling is not a compliment - it's harassment."
"Also - seriously consider the sort of person your BF is if he's okay with silently sitting there while his brother harasses women." - Zestyclose_Meeting_8
"Your boyfriend and his family are showing you the kind of behaviour he and they find acceptable."
"If you're planning to one day have kids, these are the behaviours they will teach them. Up to you to decide if that's what you want long term or not." - dude_wheres_the_pie
"NTA but it looks like your BF is ok with this behaviour, and you gotta ask yourself if you want a BF that is more angry with you than his brother for acting like that." - divinateofshadows
"NTA - if his family honestly believe he did nothing wrong, and don't say to him that his getting dumped on the side of the road is a consequence for his action... then dump the whole family on the side of the road." - LackVegetable
"That's how your boyfriend and the rest of his family behave in private. Practically a guarantee from their reaction and defensiveness. You are young, intelligent, and can do much better." - Jessg3985
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a potential update in the comments.
"I'm leaning towards ending things.. He seemed more upset that i 'caused family drama' instead of being upset at his brother for embarrassing me."
"We've been together for 4 years (I was 18 and he was 21), but the older I get, the more I feel like he's not what I want in a partner."
The subReddit was all for the OP standing up for what can happen in her personal spaces, including her car, even if her boyfriend's family couldn't appreciate it.
Growing up can make us question our priorities and how we can do better, and unfortunately, it sounded like the OP was ready to do that work, even if her boyfriend's family wasn't.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.