Redditor AdDismal9445 is a 19-year-old male named Sebastian who grew up with parents who had a specific rule about how to refer to each other in the family.
All that changed when his little brother was born six years ago.
When he recently upset his father for challenging the rule, he visited the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for going against the family rule of 'no nicknames'?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"If you ask me why we have that rule, I can't answer you, my parents never gave a nickname while growing up, never gave me an endearment way of saying my name and neither called me 'son'."
"I was always 'Sebastian' [my name], they also never called each other 'love/darling' anything. Only by names."
"When I was 6 they told me I had to stop calling them 'mommy/daddy' and I had to call them 'mom/dad' or by their names."
"My parents had a surprise baby 6 years ago, my little brother Pietro. I don't have the words to explain how much I love that child, I find him the prettiest baby in the world and I try to show him love in ways I know our parents never will."
"Since he's still a small child, they let me call him whatever I want but said that I had to stop once he turns 6, well since his name is 'Pietro' I call him 'Pea', this started as 'sweet pea', first it was 'Pi[etro] sweet pea', then 'Pietro Pea', 'Sweet Peatro' until it landed on just 'Pea'."
"He actually loves it, even says his name is 'Pea Pietro' when introducing himself, I guess because it's the only real nickname in our family, once he turned 6, my dad said no more, but I said f'k it since I don't live at their place and continued to called my brother Pea."
"I only use his real name when I need him to get serious."
"Well, my dad called me a few days ago and said that Pea is refusing to come when they call him because he wants to be called 'Pea' at home too, he says he likes it, and he doesn't understand why our parents refuse to call him something he loves."
"I talked to him, because it was never my intention to get Pea to act out, he kinda got it, but he's a kid and got sad. Our mom ended up agreeing and calls him Pea now, I guess she's tired of that sh*t too. But not my dad."
"He completely refuses and blames me for 'causing this mess'. He said that if I had stopped when they asked me to, Pea wouldn't be like this, but man, it's just a kid, chill out."
"My mom says that for her the matter is settled but I should talk to Pea again and explain him how names are a big deal to our dad and he should at least listen to him when he calls him Pietro."
"For my dad I'm a complete and total AH so I had to ask."
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors saw nothing wrong with the OP going against the family rule.
"NTA."
"What a weird flex of parental power." - bunnyball88
"Exactly this. Why would you mis use your parental power for something so stupid as a NN. I personally think OP's parents enjoy their parental powers a little too much by misusing it for unnecessary things. Parental powers should be used to for example set a curfew or something, not sh*t like this." – RedRoseSapphire
"NTA"
"If the kid wants a nickname let him have it."
"I also have one for your dad. It's part of the name of this sub. You have three guesses and the first two don't count." – Velocityg4
"NTA. It's not up to you, your father or your mother; it's up to Pea." – Hegemonic_Smegma
"Pietro is such an adorable name by itself, I love it and it just exudes this kind of cuteness, he's going to be a handsome young man and with a brother like you you'll be two peas in a pod!"
"Let Dad be a grump, having personal qualms is okay until it gets forced on others. I'd definitely still respect Dad not wanting to use a nickname but yeah, the rule for everyone has got to go and Dad can just accept that he'll be left out of the fun."
"NTA, i call my brother Andrew Drew Drew to this day and we're almost in our thirties." – PrincessofSharks
"Honestly I'm always using shortened names for everyone."
"My youngest I even managed to make a song up for him. His name is Dominic but we shorten it to Dom."
"So it's 'Dim dam dommy dommy dommy dommy dim dam dim dam doooo, stinks of poooo' which as a 6 year old he finds hilarious because poo is funny ofc."
"My neice has out of control hair exactly like mine. It's curly and has a mind of its own. My sister used to call me cousin It when we were kids. I call my niece swamp rat but only me and my husband are allowed to call her that according to her."
"My sister had a wee baby so her nickname is swamp mouse as she's a smaller version 🤣"
"Literally no one cares and the kids all love it. My Grandma will not use our shortened names because she likes our full names. But she always calls us 'sweetheart' or 'beauty.'"
"Or in the case of my youngest who's a complete suck up to his Great Grandma 'my little lamb' cue everyone's eye roll because hes far from a little lamb. At times I'm certain he's some sort of hell spawn with a cute smile."
"NTA the dad in the OP has issues." – Saysaywhat91
"Why respect the dad for this frankly weird and nonsensical rule? Wild stab in the dark, but I'm guessing the dad may have had a nickname at school or home which upset him, and he's taking it out on his own family."
"Op, do you have uncles/aunts/grandparents on your dad's side that you can ask? But again, no respect for making his children upset over something so petty." – Fattydog
"Your dad is a controlling AH. My mom gave me a name that only really has one possible nickname, Laurie, and she hated the nickname Laurie, so I have never gone by it. However, there was a older couple who lived near my grandparents when I was little, and they doted on me as they didn't have their own grandchild."
"They were like second grandparents to me when I was very small. They called me Laurie, and I told my mom I didn't like it, and I know she hated the name Laurie, too. BUT, she told me, 'Bob and Sandra are older people and they don't have a little grandchild of their own, and they're so nice to you and let you play in their home and give you cookies and treats. It would be really kind, polite, and generous if you let them call you Laurie, because they love you very much and do a lot of very kind things for you.'"
"My mom understood that you can't always control what people will call your kids, or what they'll call themselves, and that a nickname isn't a hill to die on - and she taught me that, too." – boudicas_shield
"NTA. This is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. You gotta find out why!"
"My grandma named all her kids what she wanted to call them, like my Aunt Becky is not Rebecca, and my uncle Bill is not William. But she's okay if people say 'Beck.' Strange." – Cautious-Damage7575
"NTA but it sounds like maybe your dad has some sort of past trauma regarding nicknames. That sucks... but he should be working on dealing with that and processing it if that's the case, not forcing everyone in his life to live by the rules of his traumas."
"At the very least he should explain to you all why and not just say 'because it's important to me' as if the nickname isn't important to you and your brother." – Sirealism55
"NTA. Kids, you and Pea, have an innate skill of honing in on what feels like the pettiest, most futile hill your parents want to die on and going against their wishes and as parents, they have to, they must, learn to respect you as individuals with your own preferences and give up silly grievances like this."
"There is nothing wrong with having pet names for your siblings. I am about 20 years older than you and my brother still calls me a pet name and I still use two for him."
"My kid hates frills. I am not inclined to wrap her in ruffles and lace either but if there is a rosette or a bow or a little gathering of fabric? Hard pass from her. Her favorite print is camo 🤣" – wildferalfun
Overall, Redditors supported the OP's using the nickname out of affection for his kid brother, and they continued criticizing his dad for being such a stickler for his specific family rule.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp