Romantic relationships are important, and it's perfectly normal for a couple in love to want to celebrate their special moments, like anniversaries.
This continues to be true, even when a family member wants something from the couple, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor Cargorrrrrrrrrr felt conflicted when his parents demanded that he watch his younger sister for a week while they traveled to visit a sick relative, even though it overlapped with his anniversary plans that he had made in advance.
When they ridiculed him for going against their wishes, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if he had been selfish.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for wanting to spend time with my wife, instead of babysitting my little sister?"
The OP had fun plans with his wife for their anniversary.
"I (24 Male) and my wife recently had our five-year anniversary. We have been friends since we were kids and started dating when we were both teenagers."
"We had planned to go to a nice restaurant, then ride in a hot air balloon, and then go to a lake and relax. I was going to buy her flowers and all."
But the OP's mother had other plans.
"Then out of the blue, just one day before my anniversary, I got a text from my mom, demanding me to babysit my sister for a week, while she and my dad go visit my aunt who recently got diagnosed with leukemia."
"Fortunately, my aunt Is NOT in critical condition, she is doing fine."
"She also lives far away, and it takes a couple of hours to get to her. (Three and a little more due to stops and other things, so it takes four to five hours probably.)"
The OP didn't think he could make it work.
"Now, I love my sister. We're 18 years apart but are still closer than ever. She has a bit of a mental challenge but otherwise is a pretty normal kid."
"I was debating whether to say yes, but I didn't want a kid in tow while I was having a date with my wife."
"Also, my wife and I would have to work for more than half of the days I was supposed to babysit."
"So I politely declined and said I wouldn't be home. I didn't get an answer, so I thought it was okay."
But the OP's parents did not want to take "no" for an answer.
"The next day, we were at the restaurant when my phone started buzzing like crazy. I checked it and it was filled with texts from my mom and dad."
"They were calling me all sorts of names and saying that they showed up at my house, only for it to be empty."
"They're now ignoring me. When I write to them, I haven't gotten an answer."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the parents were entitled for demanding the OP's time.
"OP politely declined and yet they still showed up at his house, and they're calling him all sorts of things?"
"To me, this is proof that they didn't want him to 'babysit' the sister. They were looking to dump the sister off, regardless of what measures they had to go to accomplish it."
"NTA by a long shot." - FloMoJoeBlow
"I love both my parents, and I would happily help them anytime. But if either of them told me I was doing something, now that I'm in my 30s, they'd each get a big f**k you in response. And it has happened."
"You're allowed to have your own life. For whatever reason, some people just don't understand that their lives, events, ideas, families, etc are more important than the 'we're family' mindset where you need to drop everything for your immediate family."
"I guess it's my upbringing, but I can't understand how some of these AITA posts absolutely have their family, friends, or SO's family walking right over them."
"My ex-wife's dad was eight inches taller, 150 pounds heavier of pure muscle, and hated me. He still got a f**k you when he tried dictating what I did. Yet I read about all of these pushovers that let their families, partners families, friends, etc walk all over them. It can't be a generation thing." - PokedDaBear90
"The fact that you're even asking if you're the AH combined with the above, suggests them ignoring your answers to them asking you for something probably isn't that new."
"I can see why they'd want to comfort your aunt, but you had plans, it was your anniversary, and no is a full sentence."
"NTA." - danimmbxx
"NTA. You set a boundary and your parents are pissed because they didn't get their way."
"In the future, 'Sorry, we're not available. Please make other arrangements' should suffice."
"Let them ignore you. You did nothing wrong." - ivylass
"NTA. Your parents are extremely presumptuous. They didn't ask and didn't even give you fair notice. They've now learned that you're not their on-call babysitter."
"Stop messaging them and let them come to you when they're done sulking." - RoyallyOakie
Others pointed out that the parents didn't think through the OP's sister's needs at all.
"NTA. It's not just any random night, it's your anniversary that had been planned. Your parents should've known it was your anniversary."
"Plus, your sister isn't your kid, they should've planned better or at least double-checked you were actually free on your anniversary." - RedHistoryTwin99
"Setting aside the already made plans, babysitting a six-year-old for a week on a single day's notice is a ridiculous request."
"You said you work full-time, and this kid is presumably in school, so how is that kid supposed to get to and from school? Who is going to watch the kid while you are working outside of school hours?"
"Zero logistics and just a drop-off at your house? Jesus f**king Ch**t, NTA." - minimally_abrasive
"I have kids, and when I had to leave them to attend my best friend's destination wedding, I drew maps, made plans, bought all my kids lunch stuff, and made their lunches (besides perishables) in advance."
"I made sure I had every type of kid's medicine that they could possibly need. I made lists of doctors, and other necessary numbers, and all of the info went into a binder that was left, with pictures of where things that the kids may want, would be."
"I want to make it as f**king easy as possible to watch my kids as that's a huge favor." - curlywurlies
"The friend (who said she'd be happy to have the little girl over the whole week) is a mom with kids the same age, which means she has a child-friendly home, knows what sort of meals work best, knows how to get six-year-olds to school/bed/clean, etc., and likely some safety precautions that the average early-20s, childless couple wouldn't have."
"Plus, the friend's kids are there to play with. That seems like a situation that would make the little girl feel more comfortable as well." - CarrieCat62
"NTA."
"Sure, the parents 'can' ask but they should be well aware of the anniversary, and in knowing that should already look for alternatives and not even ask! This is not an emergency."
"Also, why do both parents need to go and visit the aunt? They have a dependent child, and it's their son's wedding anniversary. Surely due the nature of this scenario, one should stay while the other visits."
"Furthermore, OP provided his reply, a decline, yet they ignored him and rocked up to his house regardless, then gave him grief for not being there? Over-ride people's wishes much?"
"There are so many ways around this that don't involve OP canceling his plans, important and somewhat time-bound plans. Mother could've visited aunt while father looked after their daughter. OP could've offered to go up to see the aunt with his father at a later date. Or variations thereof." - Perseus72
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few updates.
"My sister Is currently staying with a family friend who we've known all our lives. The friend has two kids who are very close to my sister. The family friend said she wouldn't mind keeping her for the week as she gets a break from her twins, and encouraged me to relax."
"I have gone over to the friend's house and gotten them food for the kind gesture."
"I can clearly see that my sister enjoys the twins' company, and the friend doesn't work, so I intend to keep her there. However, the friend informed me, that my parents were talking badly about me and my wife in their messages to her."
"She told me they were berating me for 'being a bad son' and that 'my wife probably convinced me to stay away from an important situation.'"
"I intend to speak to them about this once they come back. I don't want to intrude while they are visiting my aunt who has leukemia."
The subReddit could not stop shaking their head over this one, from the parents ridiculing their son and later cold-shouldering him, all over plans they probably could have saved for shortly after the OP's anniversary.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.