Anyone who has been in a relationship that went sour at the end can vouch for the hold that a partner can have over us.
Even when a romantic partner hurts us or cheats on us, they seem to get a strange thrill over the idea of us continuing to think about them or miss them, side-eyed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Both_Raspberry2916 had recently gone through a rough breakup, which his cheating girlfriend claimed was his fault, and he had reached the point where he was ready to move on.
But when his ex-girlfriend and some of her friends accused him of being selfish and absent-minded for donating a watch she wanted him to keep wearing, the Original Poster (OP) wondered why continuing to wear a watch from his ex would be so important to her.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for selling the gift my ex-girlfriend bought for me?"
The OP recently went through a terrible breakup.
"This is my (19 Male) first relationship ever, so I'm not sure if what I did is, you know, acceptable."
"At first, she (19 Female) and I had a very good relationship. She was the perfect girlfriend. But then she cheated on me."
"She had sex with someone else and said it was my fault since my penis was too small for her. One of our mutual friends also said to me, 'I warned you not to date someone way out of your league.'"
"I ended up blocking both of them but not our other mutual friend, 'Amy,' who supported me through the breakup."
The OP's first interaction with his ex was uncomfortable, to say the least.
"Yesterday was Amy's birthday. I went to her place where I saw my ex."
"My ex asked me why I wasn't wearing the watch she bought for me on my last birthday."
"I told her I sold it and donated the money to an animal shelter."
"They all stared at me. My ex then said I should have returned it to her."
The OP was conflicted.
"When I talked to another friend about it after, she said she understood why I did what I did but that the right thing to do would have been to return all gifts at the end of the relationship."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued that gifts should be given unconditionally, with no expectations to return.
"NTA."
"As soon as I gift something to someone, it is their property do to with what they want with and as they see fit. I have the right to be p**sed, angry, sad, or frustrated when they 'mistreat' my gift, but I have no say in this matter as it became THEIR property. It's not mine anymore."
"As for returning gifts at the end of a relationship, well, how about you, OP's ex, start this exchange yourself? Box up all OP's gifts to you, give them back, and then ask for your gifts back? A tacky move, in my opinion, but you do you."
"Or are you just salty that the 'thoughtful' gift isn't there anymore so OP will not automatically think of you every time he looks at or sees the watch? That op got rid of you? Showed you that you are not a part of his life anymore, and are just in the past? That he put YOUR cheating behind him?"
"OP, in my honest opinion, selling the watch and donating the money is a class A boss move I myself fully approve."
"Well done, OP, well done indeed." - Tessa_Kamodo
"Gifts never belong to the giver, that's nuts!"
"Let me get this straight... your ex and her friends think it would be better to return gifts at the end of a relationship, basically implying (or, worse still, saying to their face) that you can't even look at the stuff they gave to you because you don't want to think of them. Isn't that a hurtful move, even if it is true?"
"It's also super tacky of them. NTA." - EmShryke
"The ex said, 'The right thing to do would be to return all the gifts at the end of the relationship.'"
"I've never heard this one before. Did she return all your gifts?"
"I would only return a gift at the end of a relationship if it was a particularly sentimental item for them (like a family heirloom) or an engagement ring."
"A gift is a gift, you can't start trying to dictate what the person you gifted to does with it once you have given it to them." - patellanutella73
"NTA. No, you didn't have to return it to her. It was a gift to you and after the breakup, that she caused by the way, and you can do whatever you like with now. You own the watch and not her."
"The entitled is strong with this one considering she cheated on you and wants a gift back. Double no." - Mustng1966
"NTA. Most people throw things from their ex in the bin, or if it's their ex's clothes and they wore like it was their own anyway, they may still wear it."
"A gift is a gift so it's up to you what you do with it. I don't think you did anything wrong and you even donated the money. To a good cause. Definitely NTA." - Vempifa
"NTA. Classic early relationship stuff. Gifts are optional to return; if you want to, go ahead, if not, you're not obligated."
"I don't understand why it would be ok for you to still have it but not that you've sold it as in both cases, she doesn't have it. Did she want to tag you, to mark her territory with a watch? Weird."
"I hope you're moving on and she's not bothering you. Tell your friend that gifts are not loans, there isn't a moral obligation to return them." - ChrisHarpham
"NTA. A gift is a gift. You don't give something to someone and expect it to be returned after a relationship turns sour. You're also not obligated to be considerate of someone who you have a messy breakup with so all in all no one has a say except you." - lalullama
Others agreed and felt this was one more way the ex was trying to cause the OP pain.
"Everything she did was to cause him pain. Maybe his physiology didn't jive with her sexual preferences, but that is no reason to cheat."
"She could have respectfully ended the relationship before that, but she chose not to. She cheated on him to hurt him."
"She told him it was his fault to hurt him. She blamed it on the size of his penis, something that he is incapable of changing and that she knows many men have insecurities about, to hurt him."
"And then, to top it all off, she expects him to wear a reminder of her every day so that her memory can continue to hurt him. She is a vile human being."
"Meanwhile, OP is out here donating to animal shelters. Don't get it wrong, OP. She might be physically attractive, but she's not out of your league. You are out of hers." - nervelli
"NTA. Your ex is still trying to f**k with your mind."
"Tell her to look up the definition of a gift, and to f**k off from there." - No-Car803
"The penis comment, she may have been trying to hurt or embarrass him after she got caught being a bad girlfriend. It may not be the truth, or she gaslighted him into thinking it's the truth."
"But now she wants him to wear a watch to remember her by? No. Just no." - SpiritualAd5028
"NTA. She cheated. She isn't entitled to an opinion about your choices. And that reason she cited, it's absolute bulls**t."
"She could have simply ended things and then found someone else, so I wouldn't believe her about anything she mentioned. She clearly wanted to hurt you, and that was a cheap shot."
"The watch is just more of the same. Don't spend another second thinking about it." - FlatConclusion8847
"NTA. Your choice to return it to her, if you wished to, but also entirely your choice to sell it, and fair play of you to donate the money."
"Also, it's not 'your fault' that the size of your manhood isn't what she wants and she cheated. She would have cheated even if it hung past your knees. Good riddance, mate." - OcculticD
"She said that to make him feel bad so she wouldn't have to feel bad about herself. Putting OP down to build herself up."
"Even if it were true, which I doubt, no evolved human being would say that to another human being. Jeez."
"OP, you dodged a bullet with this one. Be grateful you're out of that relationship and free to move on."
"That watch was yours to do with what you wanted. Her asking about it was another low-class move on her part."
"Best of luck, from an older, wiser lady in Virginia." - TGIIR
"NTA. Once you are given a gift, it's yours to do with as you want. If the ex cared to have it back, she could have asked for it back, but you'd still be under no real or moral obligation to say yes."
"Cheaters forfeit the consideration of who they betrayed. But she didn't actually hope to get it back; she expected you to still be wearing it. So her reaction is dishonest."
"Also, don't accept criticism from anyone you wouldn't ask advice from. Clearly, both she and the male former friend have skewed views of what is 'right.'"
"Her body-shaming you and saying her cheating is your fault reveals a s**t-poor, toxic character, and is no different than guys who blame a girl's weight/breast size/etc. for their bad behavior." - IndependentBoost5479
Not only did the subReddit not think that the OP's ex-girlfriend deserved the watch back, but they also hoped that the OP stopped letting his ex pull her mind tricks on him. From cheating, to her reasons for cheating, to expecting him to continue wearing a watch that would remind him of her, she clearly was interested in hurting him.
By donating to the animal shelter, the OP had done a good thing.
He didn't need to give the watch, or his ex, another thought.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.