When a family member needs moderate financial aid, most people would be willing to help out where they can.
But one guy who took issue with how his wife was helping her sister supplement her income during a challenging time really rubbed him the wrong way.
Drama ensued when he confronted the issue, and in the aftermath, he sought the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, the anonymous Redditor asked:
"AITA for telling her to stop spending $45 on burgers weekly?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (M[ale] 42) SIL (33) recently started selling burgers on Saturdays."
"She works a 9-5 Mon-Fri office job with a good salary, but she recently discovered she is pregnant with her ex's baby, he is no longer in the picture, so she is selling burgers for extra income."
"Now, every Saturday my wife (40) buys burgers for our family (3 kids, 12, 10 and 8). My issue is that my SIL sells every burger for $9. So 5 burgers is $45."
"The burgers are tasty, don't get me wrong, but she is using my MIL recipe, that my wife also knows, so I don't see why we should spend $45 weekly on burgers when my wife can make identical ones at home and we would spend less money on ingredients."
The OP continued:
"To be clear, technically we can afford SIL's burger comfortably, I just don't see why we should when there are cheaper options."
"I tried to talk about it with my wife, and she said she mostly buys because she wants to support her sister. I told her it's not our job to support her sister, beside as I said the burgers are tasty and every weekend they are sold out in a couple of hours, so I don't think losing our 5 burgers would put a dent in her business."
"Yesterday I told my wife again we shouldn't buy burgers, and she asked me why I cared if she was buying them from her money, not our money (we have each an account, and one joint account)."
"I told her it's not about that, I just don't think it's sensible to spend $45 every weekend on burgers when she already knows the recipe."
A unilateral decision was made.
"She said she will be spending $36 then, because she won't be buying mine anymore if it bothered me so much."
"That's exactly what she did; she bought burgers for our kids and her and didn't buy one for me, which was okay, I got a big Mac for cheaper. So I thought we were okay, but she has been acting as if she is mad at me since yesterday."
"I fail to see why she is mad, AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors judged "You're the a**hole" (YTA) here.
"YTA."
"I was going to say NTA until I got to the part where you say that you guys have separate accounts and a joint account, and she is buying the burgers from her own money."
" 'We' aren't buying the burgers. She is. From her separate money. Does she micromanage how you spend your money? What if she instead just gave her sister $45 a week from her own money, in exchange for no burgers, what business is that of yours?" – HudsonsBlink
"Call me a dick but even if it's a joint account the fact that OP said they can comfortably afford them and that they have no pre-existing beef with the SIL... Then just buy them man."
"It's a sweet thing to do, wife doesn't need to cook or clean up and you can help out SIL without it seeming like charity like damn." –JeansInMyKidneys
"There's just a lot of people in the world, sadly, who are just 'me, me, me.' " They don't comprehend that you are actually supposed to care about people outside of your nuclear family."
"Just because you move out of your parents' house and get married, that doesn't mean that your parents, grandparents, siblings, etc just become completely unimportant NPCs in life. OP's one of those people." – IronclayFarm
"The part that got me is 'it's not our job to support her'. That's EXACTLY what family is for. The woman hasn't done anything wrong."
"They can afford it. It's out of the wife's account. The second my husband says that to me is the second he's out the door. I'd do the same for his sister too. Family takes care of family. He's a huge AH." – LJ_in_NY
"Yes! He wasn't offering to cook, he just thought she could. What an A-hole!!! Self serving mofo. Just another dude who thinks his opinion is the only one that counts and that women exist to serve his needs."
"And god forbid she ever has a negative reaction or gets grumpy with him- I mean, why does she get to have any emotions at all. Poor him, why oh why is his help causing him so much trouble. YTA!!!!" – Sokotokodo
"i'd say community takes care of community. she didn't ask for a handout. she got a side hustle to support her children. ppl can't have it both ways. ANYONE can become a single mom!"
"it's not always poor choices. Sometimes it's untimely death. Most ppl are just a paycheck away from being on the street. it's hard out here and she's found a way to supplement her income without just asking for money."
"OP you and ppl like you are jerks!" – No_Ordinary944
"I feel like there's no better way to support family than supporting their business. SIL isn't asking for handouts. A good burger for $9 or a sh**ty $6 burger from McDonald's? I'll pay the extra money for something that doesn't give me a raging stomachache." – TranslatorWaste7011
"Seems like he doesn't even care much about his nuclear family. His wife wants to buy them. His wife benefits from not having to cook (I don't see anywhere where he is offering to cook instead). He doesn't give a sh*t what his wife wants." – not-a-creative-id
"OP also misses the point when his wife says they are supporting her sister, she doesn't mean financially, she means emotionally supporting her and believing in her and her product. It's not about the money, it's about the community. He doesn't get it so yeah he is TA." – Sheepherdernerder
"I love the bit where he bought a big Mac anyway because he does actually want a burger, and feels like he's proved some sort of point by doing so."
"His preferred option: wife makes burgers for 'free' (as you say this is effort for the wife). No effort from OP and he thinks it's 'cheap' to make fancy burgers from scratch with no economy of scale."
"His option two: buy a sh**ty big mac for himself because it's cheaper. OP make your own damn burger at home, it's so cheap!"
"His absolute no go option: the SIL who makes tasty burgers and needs a little support." – SorbertNo7877
"This! Just because she knows how to make them doesn't mean she wants to cook them and clean up after, because I'm willing to bet OP doesn't help with either part."
"But also, I'd personally much rather spend more money supporting someone I care about in an endeavor they are working hard at when I can afford it rather than get cheaper, nastier food for less just because I could." – Dapper_Highlighter7
"Well, if it is going from the joint account, OP would've had some say or at least the right to question purchases which he isn't sure about. For example if wife is spending $200 a month on outside food they don't need, it is worth discussing it."
"Would the money from their joint account be better invested in their retirement or kids education? Would it be more fun if they could try a different cuisine/restaurant every week if that's their weekly takeout budget? Etc."
"But OP is definitely the AH (YTA!!) when it is coming from her money after all bills and stuff is taken care of. He is being a total ass here." – poochonmom
"To me, this was never in N T A territory, 100% TA through the entire thing. So WHAT if it's cheaper to make at home?! She's supporting her sister who is trying to step up during a tough time and his wife just wants to be there for her. And last time I checked, which was just now, a Big Mac is $7? So SIL charging only $9 for what I GUARANTEE is a MUCH better burger sounds like a steal."
"If you didn't get it OP, YTA x1000 and your wife and SIL both sound awesome." – Keni-b2211
"YTA. I'm a pretty ok cook. I make something we call Fopotle. It's just as good (spouse says better but Idk about that) as Chipotle. It's generally cheaper too."
"But you know what sometimes I want the damn thing without the work. It's hot there's lots of moving parts and I just want something delicious without all the dishes and counter wiping and children interrupting. So we get chipotle."
"Its not straining your finances."
"It's not your money."
"You have not offered to do the work yourself, as far as I can tell."
"and rather going to some evil multi billion dollar corporation the money goes to your sister in law who needs it."
"I genuinely do not see how you can have a problem with it other than just wanting to argue." – Level-Researcher5432
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was TA here and missed the point about supporting a family member in need.
They also said they would have helped contribute to the cause if they were in the OP's position because they believed that was the right thing to do.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp