Especially since #Hairtok blew up on TikTok, it seems like haircare is more complicated than ever, with hair types, hair tools, and haircare options to achieve different hairstyles.
Undoubtedly, some of us are going to experience some mishaps on our way to our ideal hairstyle and treatment, reasoned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Different_Plastic958 noticed that her daughter had switched to a haircare treatment that was different from the shampoo and condition routine that she was used to, and she was very uncomfortable with the smell of vinegar whenever her daughter showered.
With the smell of vinegar becoming increasingly overpowering, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should talk to her daughter about her new routine and if there was a way to do so without hurting her feelings.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTAH (Would I be the a**hole) if I tell my daughter to start washing her hair with shampoo and conditioner and that her haircare routine is weird?”
The OP wasn’t used to her daughter’s new haircare routine.
“My (48 Female) daughter (21 Female) has an unconventional haircare routine.”
“She just came home from college for the summer, and at some point this spring, she ditched her shampoo and conditioner for Castile soap and diluted apple cider vinegar.”
“The problem I have with it is that I have a pretty strong sense of smell, and her hair smells like vinegar while it’s wet.”
The OP considered discussing the issue with her daughter.
“I can’t stand the smell, and I want her to go back to using shampoo and conditioner.”
“Would it be wrong of me if I were to tell her to use shampoo and conditioner because the soap and vinegar are weird and smell bad?”
“WIBTAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to ask her daughter for her opinion and goals before giving advice.
“NAH. You can ASK her what she’s aiming to do.”
“But also, she’s a grown adult and can… wash? …or do whatever it is she’s doing… to her hair.” – jrm1102
“NTA. Even some adults need to be reminded or even taught basic hygiene self-care. Some people can take a hint or a talk. Others you need to be blunt, like ‘Go wash your a**, bro, you stink. And put on some deodorant, for f**k’s sake.’ In your daughter’s case, she probably just needs to hear that the smell is stronger to other people than she realizes, and it’s a little off-putting.” – Xayne813
“She needs to dilute just a small amount of vinegar in a cup of water. I used to use one tablespoon for shoulder-length hair or two tablespoons for long. The smell is probably from the vinegar being poured out in a steamy, enclosed bathroom.”
“The smell dissipates from hair once dry. Just avoid walking near the bathroom until she’s done, and maybe ask her to keep a distance from you in her room until her hair is fully dry, and open some windows.” – Relevant-Formal-9719
“I see nothing wrong with you telling her she smells terribly, and I actually think you would be doing her a favor. At the same time, if she wants to keep doing her routine, she is 21 and has the autonomy to be able to do so. So tell her, but don’t expect her to be receptive about it if she is super attached to this new routine.” – Kaigid5769
“Telling her that her hair smells like vinegar when it’s wet is fine. That’s just giving her information that she may not be fully aware of (since we frequently become habituated to scents after a couple of minutes, she might think that by the time she’s dressed and wandering around the house the scent is gone.)”
“Telling your adult child what their haircare routine should be, however, could veer into a-hole behavior depending on how good your overall communication is.”
“Since you’re asking for advice, I’m guessing it’s not great, and that you might not have a way to talk about it without causing a fight. So, you know, stick to the facts: when her hair is wet, you can smell the vinegar. Let her decide what to do with that information.” – HotspurJr
Fortunately, the OP listened to their advice and soon provided a promising update.
“I talked to my daughter about it.”
“Before I did, I found that the point of the vinegar is to cancel out the soap because the soap is alkaline, and the vinegar is acidic.”
“I also knew that she is particular about what kind of products she uses.”
“I also found a hair rinse that Dr. Bronner’s makes a hair rinse with lemon juice instead of vinegar.”
“I told her the smell of the vinegar was bothering me, and she told me she uses the vinegar because it’s readily available and relatively inexpensive.”
“I offered to buy her the rinse to use, and she agreed, so it’s a win-win.”
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP’s open-mindedness and then offered haircare advice.
“I love the update. The fact that you sat down, communicated and asked why she was doing it, got information on it, then did your own research to find a workable solution, then offered to pay for that solution and compromise so neither of you felt like you were being put upon during this.”
“Then the fact that she communicated to you and went with the solution for your sake, since it also met her needs, instead of dismissing it out of hand, was great.”
“You two have a good relationship, and seem to be able to communicate very well, and I think thats a testament to how well you did parenting.” – Dragon_Within
“The update is so sweet to see after what the usual posts are!” – netacad_uwu
“You’re an adult who can have an adult conversation with your adult daughter, but the scent is too strong for you. As a parent, you may also be able to offer a compromise by helping her search for hair care products that contain ACV or are more naturally derived if she is trying to be conscious about the products she’s using. NAH.” – jasperjamboree
“I use the same routine with the Dr Bronner’s soap and rinse. The rinse will last her six months if she dilutes appropriately. Too much will leave your hair greasy.”
“I have an old empty bottle that I use about one-fourth of the bottle of the rinse at a time, diluted with three-fourths of the bottle with water. Shake before each use. I then fill a plastic 20-ounce cup with water from the shower and add a splash of the mixture to the cup.”
“My hair is past my shoulders, and that is still PLENTY of the rinse. I use a bit of the Dr Bronner’s hair creme on flyaways. I have VERY dry hair, and it is so much healthier this way than it ever was with conventional soap and conditioner! It is also so much cheaper!” – georgiefromwisco
“NAH, but it isn’t a bad idea to dilute the vinegar. I’ve been making my own homemade shampoo for over 10 years (one-half calendula flowers tisane and one-half castile soap), and my vinegar rinse is two tablespoons to two cups of warm water and one teaspoon honey. The honey helps keep the hair moisturized and makes it softer.” – PatchworkGirl82
“I’m a hairstylist, and ACV is very pungent when wet, and most people use way too much. Your supposed to put like a one part ACV to four parts water, and you still condition. I don’t think you’re an AH, and I’m glad it worked out!” – vietnams666
“I have curly hair and do a routine like your daughter as it gives me lovely ringlets. You can buy apple cider shampoo and conditioner, which I use, which smells milder as it is formulated specifically for hair. It’s a really awesome clarifying shampoo and keeps my hair so nice. NTA.” – ZeepZoop
“I actually had this hair care routine for years before my texture changed with age, so I can tell you that 1., it can do wonders for your hair, and 2., if the wet hair smells like vinegar, she’s using too much.”
“I used two tablespoons of ACV for medium-length hair, diluted in about a cup and a half of warm water. Also, she should be rinsing it out after a couple of minutes.”
“You already came to a solution, I see, but I still wanted to add this info in case she went back to using ACV.” – fiberarchivist
“No, you wouldn’t be the a**hole for bringing up how the vinegar smell affects you as long as you approach it respectfully and without shaming her for her routine. It’s totally fair to set boundaries about strong smells in your shared space, especially if you have sensory sensitivities.”
“The way you handled it in the update was actually perfect, you researched her method, found an alternative that respects her values and addresses your concerns, and offered it without demanding she change. That’s not only not AH behavior, that’s mature, compassionate parenting.” – taltal99
“Wow, cool, the same thing semi-happened to me, but I was the daughter. I switched to a similar routine because of my curly hair (which my mom hates), and when she discovered I didn’t have shampoo and conditioner in my shower (we didn’t even live together), she kept nagging me about it.”
“She was really condescending and judgmental, and even when I tried to explain it, she was like, ‘What are you, poor?’ So for Christmas, she gifted me bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and was like, ‘Look, it’s a really expensive brand, you should use it, don’t waste it, it’s good for you,’ and I can still picture her smug smile.”
“Because I did end up switching to the gifted bottles out of guilt because she was so good at making me feel like s**t all the time. We are low-contact now.”
“Congrats on coming to a rational conclusion and a good compromise without sacrificing your relationship. I wish my mom were more like you…” – otherself
This conversation could have easily gone in a terrible direction, so it’s heartwarming to see that the OP and her daughter were able to discuss this like adults and come to a solution.
Now, the OP won’t be so uncomfortable every time her daughter showers, and her daughter will be able to use something she may not have otherwise been able to afford. Win-win!