After your parents divorce, there’s always the worry that if they re-marry, things won’t be the same as before. A worry that things will be worse.
Redditor throwaway_42947194 has come to terms with her own parents’ divorce, but her dad has remarried. The original poster (OP)’s new step-mother is causing some friction in the family.
OP doesn’t like some of the comments the new step-mom is making and has refused to see her dad because of it. But her grandparents think she’s overreacting, causing her to second-guess her decision.
She decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what’s been going on.
“AITA for refusing to see my dad because of my step-mother’s racist comments?”
Her relationship with her father hangs in the balance.
“Throwaway. I’m 16f and half-white/half-Chinese. My parents have been split up for awhile so I’m mostly over it. They’re a lot happier without each other, so while it sucked it’s fine.”
“It’s weird sometimes when I’m with my dad, people assume I’m adopted, but usually he’s good at correcting people. Except for my step-mom.”
“I really did try to like her in the beginning but she’s kind of racist. The first time I met her she wouldn’t stop touching and commenting on my hair and how I looked like a K-pop star. 🙄🙄🙄”
“It just got worse the longer they were together, she would do things like tell people she was my Tiger Mom (wtf) and make comments about my body type and plastic surgery and when she moved in she had my dad ask me to only speak English in the house and watch English shows because it made her uncomfortable if she couldn’t understand what was being said.”
“When they got married, she kinda sneakily left me out of the wedding photos and when I asked why she said she wanted a certain aesthetic, which I guess is a nice way of saying ‘white’.”
“I’ve talked to my dad about it a lot and he says he’ll talk to her but he never does and also that she just doesn’t have a lot of familiarity with asian people so I have to be patient with her because she’s learning.”
“My mom and step-dad were really angry about how she treats me but they can’t exactly do anything about my step-mom, so they just said that if I ever feel like I need to leave I can call either of them at any time and they’ll come get me.”
“It really hit the fan a couple of weeks ago. My step-mom is pregnant and had her baby shower and I heard her make a comment about how I don’t look very much like my dad so now he’ll also have a kid that resembles him and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I called my mom to come pick me up and left.”
“My dad called me a few hours later and I told him what his wife said and he said he would talk to her, but I told him he always says that and nothing changes so I’m not coming over to his house anymore and maybe he should just stick with his white family.”
“Step-mother texted me to apologize but I told her it wasn’t accepted and I don’t want to talk to her anymore.”
“My mom and step-dad and my grandparents on that side support me, but my dad is really upset and my grandparents on my dad’s side are really mad at me and people have been telling me that even if my step-mom is being a pill I shouldn’t write off my dad because he’s not the one doing it.”
“I love my dad, but I just don’t want to see his wife again and if that means I don’t see my dad too because he won’t stand up to her, maybe that’s how it needs to be.”
OP feels she’s endured more than enough of her dad’s new wife’s racist comments. But is it right that she cut her dad off too over this situation?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP’s decision to cut out her dad and step-mom by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The comments made by the step-mom are beyond racist. They’re painful and hurtful, and represent an incredibly backward mentality.
OP was very generous to let her dad try to sort things out, but at a certain point, there’s clearly no effort being put in.
The commenters all agreed that OP was NTA to cut them out of her life.
“NTA, cut racists from your life completely. If your father does nothing to stop the step mother, he condones it.” – einyv
“This! It’s not enough to not be racist but one needs to be anti-racist. OP’s dad not calling out his wife on her racist remarks is very telling.”
“And what’s up with a texted apology? If new wife was sincere, she would go ‘with hat in hand’ and apologize in person. Nothing says I really don’t mean it quite like a text apology.” – zippykaiyay
“NTA Every time your dad saw or heard or was told about your stepmother saying or doing something racist- especially involving his daughter- he had the opportunity to speak to her about it. First in private. But the more she did it, he should have been doing it in public.”
“And the fact that she kept doing it means that either he never said anything or that she felt that he didn’t really care about her comments.”
“Your father’s job was to protect you from your stepmother. He failed. He (and your stepmother) created this situation- you didn’t.” – rak1882
“NTA. Imagine it in 72 point font.”
“Your stepmom is a racist. Worse, she is an example of what I call ‘The banality of racism’.”
“She is not a white supremacist, I assume, and by that I mean she doesn’t go to rallies, burns crosses in black folks front yard, wears a hood for fun, or shouts Sieg Heil among friends.”
“That said, she is worse than most WS skinhead because her racism is assumed, ingrained and much more pervasive than that displayed at neonazi convention. It’s the type of racism many, if not most white folk accept without a second thought.”
“The kind of racism that is way more damaging than any Stormfront, blood and soil march can ever be.”
“Your dad is choosing his racist wife over you. He has made his choice. Now that she is pregnant it will be a lot harder for him to speak up and/or leave her.”
“I am afraid you lost your dad unless he grows a pair of balls and sits her down once and for all.”
“Unfortunately, with people like that, devoid of any empathy or self reflection, nothing your dad can say will work anyway.” – cconti
“NTA. OP has given her dad more than enough chances to stand up to her. Now it is too little too late, especially since step-mom is pregnant.”
“OP is also old enough to decide what kind of relationship she wants with her dad and it is more than reasonable that she choose a relationship that doesn’t involve his wife.”
“If he wants to be involved in his daughter’s life he can see her without the wife. They can meet somewhere public for dinner, or he can visit her, but OP should set the boundary that she is not to be around or discussed with her.”
“Ambushing or sending flying monkeys(Dad’s complaining family) will result in no contact.” – TogarSucks
“‘I shouldn’t write off my dad because he’s not the one doing it.’”
“Wrong, he might not be actively perpetrating it but he is enabling it which also makes him racist.”
“At the first instance of racism against you he should have had a very serious conversation with her about it. At the second, he should have dumped her a**. Instead, he decided to marry and procreate with her vileness.”
“You don’t deserve this and frankly, it’s disgusting. NTA.” – soundlikebutactually
“Your dad needs to stand up for you. If he won’t, you have to assume that he either agrees with his wife, or at minimum he isn’t willing to stand up to her. (Meaning she is more important to his life than you are).”
“That hurts, but that’s what is real. It doesn’t cost her ANYTHING to simply not make those comments. She is driving you out of his life on purpose. Some step parents do this regardless of race, but in your case, your appearance reminds her of her husband’s ex-wife.”
“It is 100% up to you at your age who you decide to be around. If your dad’s family wants you around, or wants you to be around him, they can support your reasoning instead of supporting a racist.”
“My prediction is, in the end, you will see your dad rarely, and mostly 1 on 1, and not in his home. Sorry.” – 1962Michael
OP has made her boundaries to protect herself, and her dad needs to respect them if he’s to continue being in her life.
But if what’s been happening with his new step-wife is any indication, that’s unlikely to happen.