After your parents divorce, there's always the worry that if they re-marry, things won't be the same as before. A worry that things will be worse.
Redditor throwaway_42947194 has come to terms with her own parents' divorce, but her dad has remarried. The original poster (OP)'s new step-mother is causing some friction in the family.
OP doesn't like some of the comments the new step-mom is making and has refused to see her dad because of it. But her grandparents think she's overreacting, causing her to second-guess her decision.
She decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about what's been going on.
"AITA for refusing to see my dad because of my step-mother's racist comments?"
Her relationship with her father hangs in the balance.
"Throwaway. I'm 16f and half-white/half-Chinese. My parents have been split up for awhile so I'm mostly over it. They're a lot happier without each other, so while it sucked it's fine."
"It's weird sometimes when I'm with my dad, people assume I'm adopted, but usually he's good at correcting people. Except for my step-mom."
"I really did try to like her in the beginning but she's kind of racist. The first time I met her she wouldn't stop touching and commenting on my hair and how I looked like a K-pop star. 🙄🙄🙄"
"It just got worse the longer they were together, she would do things like tell people she was my Tiger Mom (wtf) and make comments about my body type and plastic surgery and when she moved in she had my dad ask me to only speak English in the house and watch English shows because it made her uncomfortable if she couldn't understand what was being said."
"When they got married, she kinda sneakily left me out of the wedding photos and when I asked why she said she wanted a certain aesthetic, which I guess is a nice way of saying 'white'."
"I've talked to my dad about it a lot and he says he'll talk to her but he never does and also that she just doesn't have a lot of familiarity with asian people so I have to be patient with her because she's learning."
"My mom and step-dad were really angry about how she treats me but they can't exactly do anything about my step-mom, so they just said that if I ever feel like I need to leave I can call either of them at any time and they'll come get me."
"It really hit the fan a couple of weeks ago. My step-mom is pregnant and had her baby shower and I heard her make a comment about how I don't look very much like my dad so now he'll also have a kid that resembles him and I just couldn't take it anymore. I called my mom to come pick me up and left."
"My dad called me a few hours later and I told him what his wife said and he said he would talk to her, but I told him he always says that and nothing changes so I'm not coming over to his house anymore and maybe he should just stick with his white family."
"Step-mother texted me to apologize but I told her it wasn't accepted and I don't want to talk to her anymore."
"My mom and step-dad and my grandparents on that side support me, but my dad is really upset and my grandparents on my dad's side are really mad at me and people have been telling me that even if my step-mom is being a pill I shouldn't write off my dad because he's not the one doing it."
"I love my dad, but I just don't want to see his wife again and if that means I don't see my dad too because he won't stand up to her, maybe that's how it needs to be."
OP feels she's endured more than enough of her dad's new wife's racist comments. But is it right that she cut her dad off too over this situation?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP's decision to cut out her dad and step-mom by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The comments made by the step-mom are beyond racist. They're painful and hurtful, and represent an incredibly backward mentality.
OP was very generous to let her dad try to sort things out, but at a certain point, there's clearly no effort being put in.
The commenters all agreed that OP was NTA to cut them out of her life.
"NTA, cut racists from your life completely. If your father does nothing to stop the step mother, he condones it." - einyv
"This! It's not enough to not be racist but one needs to be anti-racist. OP's dad not calling out his wife on her racist remarks is very telling."
"And what's up with a texted apology? If new wife was sincere, she would go 'with hat in hand' and apologize in person. Nothing says I really don't mean it quite like a text apology." - zippykaiyay
"NTA Every time your dad saw or heard or was told about your stepmother saying or doing something racist- especially involving his daughter- he had the opportunity to speak to her about it. First in private. But the more she did it, he should have been doing it in public."
"And the fact that she kept doing it means that either he never said anything or that she felt that he didn't really care about her comments."
"Your father's job was to protect you from your stepmother. He failed. He (and your stepmother) created this situation- you didn't." - rak1882
"NTA. Imagine it in 72 point font."
"Your stepmom is a racist. Worse, she is an example of what I call 'The banality of racism'."
"She is not a white supremacist, I assume, and by that I mean she doesn't go to rallies, burns crosses in black folks front yard, wears a hood for fun, or shouts Sieg Heil among friends."
"That said, she is worse than most WS skinhead because her racism is assumed, ingrained and much more pervasive than that displayed at neonazi convention. It's the type of racism many, if not most white folk accept without a second thought."
"The kind of racism that is way more damaging than any Stormfront, blood and soil march can ever be."
"Your dad is choosing his racist wife over you. He has made his choice. Now that she is pregnant it will be a lot harder for him to speak up and/or leave her."
"I am afraid you lost your dad unless he grows a pair of balls and sits her down once and for all."
"Unfortunately, with people like that, devoid of any empathy or self reflection, nothing your dad can say will work anyway." - cconti
"NTA. OP has given her dad more than enough chances to stand up to her. Now it is too little too late, especially since step-mom is pregnant."
"OP is also old enough to decide what kind of relationship she wants with her dad and it is more than reasonable that she choose a relationship that doesn't involve his wife."
"If he wants to be involved in his daughter's life he can see her without the wife. They can meet somewhere public for dinner, or he can visit her, but OP should set the boundary that she is not to be around or discussed with her."
"Ambushing or sending flying monkeys(Dad's complaining family) will result in no contact." - TogarSucks
"'I shouldn't write off my dad because he's not the one doing it.'"
"Wrong, he might not be actively perpetrating it but he is enabling it which also makes him racist."
"At the first instance of racism against you he should have had a very serious conversation with her about it. At the second, he should have dumped her a**. Instead, he decided to marry and procreate with her vileness."
"You don't deserve this and frankly, it's disgusting. NTA." - soundlikebutactually
"NTA."
"Your dad needs to stand up for you. If he won't, you have to assume that he either agrees with his wife, or at minimum he isn't willing to stand up to her. (Meaning she is more important to his life than you are)."
"That hurts, but that's what is real. It doesn't cost her ANYTHING to simply not make those comments. She is driving you out of his life on purpose. Some step parents do this regardless of race, but in your case, your appearance reminds her of her husband's ex-wife."
"It is 100% up to you at your age who you decide to be around. If your dad's family wants you around, or wants you to be around him, they can support your reasoning instead of supporting a racist."
"My prediction is, in the end, you will see your dad rarely, and mostly 1 on 1, and not in his home. Sorry." - 1962Michael
OP has made her boundaries to protect herself, and her dad needs to respect them if he's to continue being in her life.
But if what's been happening with his new step-wife is any indication, that's unlikely to happen.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.