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Redditor Berated For Asking Cousin Who Doesn’t Knit To Give Them Heirloom Knitting Needles

older woman showing child how to knit
Halfpoint Images/Getty Images

A death in the family can bring everyone together to mourn. Or it can bring everyone together to squabble over who gets which of the deceased’s possessions.

A grandchild who wanted a specific item from their grandmother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after asking their cousin for it.

Littlecuriousfox asked:

“AITA for asking my cousin, who doesn’t knit, to give me our deceased grandmother’s knitting needles?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“My grandmother taught my cousins and I how to knit when we were old enough to follow instructions—usually around 8 to 9 years of age. Out of 20+ grandchildren, I was the only one to stick with it.”

“When my grandmother passed away, all of the grandchildren were all given an opportunity to request items from my grandmother’s possessions. I asked only for her knitting needle kit.”

“My other cousins asked for multiples of her jewellery, vintage perfume bottles, silver combs, etc…”

“My younger cousin, who doesn’t knit, not only requested some of above, but also the knitting needle kit. Through some debate, my mom and my aunt were arguing over who ‘deserved’ the needles.”

“My mom relented because she didn’t want to fight during a difficult time. My cousin ended up getting the knitting needles.”

“I got a signature perfume my grandmother loved wearing. My aunt swore they were the original glass bottles my grandmother insisted on keeping and refilling.”

“I knew they weren’t because the tops were plastic, not the beautiful frosted glass I remember growing up. Anyway, I was upset, but let it go.”

“I also received a small inheritance which I was grateful for. With it I bought a knitting set and yarn.”

“Fast forward, it’s Thanksgiving and my cousin brings up that she has been cleaning out her attic. She mentions she stumbled on some of our grandmother’s things, including said needles.”

“These SENTIMENTAL ITEMS are in her ATTIC.”

“Later on, I am helping her clean up. She’s wearing my grandmother’s wedding ring. I ask her if that was the other item she asked for.”

“She explains everything she ended up receiving, which was a much larger inheritance ($10k) and far more valuables (including the perfume bottles I supposedly got).”

“I ask her if she’s using the knitting needles. She says no, and I ask her if she would be open to the idea of letting me have them and use them.”

“She said she’d think about it, and the rest of the night went on.”

“At some point during the night, my cousin must have talked to my aunt. Who came out of left field when I was walking down the hallway and said how awful it was for me to ask my YOUNGER cousin who is only 4 years younger and over the age of 30, and bully her into giving up a sentimental item like that.”

“I’m sober by the way because I’m the DD. I’m stunned. I explain that I simply asked and that my cousin said she’d think about it.”

“My aunt starts raising her voice at me, to the point where my uncle comes out and asks what’s going on. He immediately takes the side of my aunt, but tries his best to deescalate.”

“I’m driving my parents home, and I ask my mom about what actually happened when they were dividing everything up from my grandmother’s estate. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it, and now I’m being awfully weird about it.”

“How embarrassing it was that I’d even think to ask about the knitting needles and how it was NONE of my business what my cousin got. Despite my cousin gleefully giving me details about all of it.”

“AITA?”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I asked my cousin for our deceased grandmother’s knitting needles at Thanksgiving. My reasoning was because she doesn’t knit and therefore wouldn’t be using them and the fact she was storing them in her attic.”

“However, I realized that talking about inheritance generally isn’t seen as polite, especially during a holiday like Thanksgiving. It can seem ungrateful. My parents also seemed disturbed by what I had asked.”

“Still, things feel rather unfair given the new information I have, and I have to wonder if I am, in fact, the a**hole here?”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA, but something fishy is going on. Possibly just your mum being a complete pushover on your behalf and now being embarrassed about it.”

“Possibly your mum letting your cousin screw you over in exchange for getting something other from her mother.”

“Who knows, but you deserve to know. Start by interrogating your parents when they’re sober.” ~ endor-pancakes

“NTA. Your mother’s lying to you about something. When your Aunt is sober, go ask her what your side of the family received because you think you were lied to, and you don’t want your cousin to suffer for that.” ~ KrofftSurvivor

“NTA. Sometimes oldest siblings , particularly those who were forced to raise other siblings , can’t stand up for themselves and will frequently put their siblings even above their own children.”

“That’s what’s probably happened here. Your mom could not stand up for you and get even the knitting needles.” ~ LifeAsksAITA

“NTA, but there’s a mystery to be solved in this story.” ~ incospicuous_echoes

The OP provided an update. 

“Talked to my cousin. Talked to my mom. Here are the facts I’ve been able to piece together:”

“My aunt resents my mom due to the close relationship she had with my grandfather. They were twin-brained and did everything together up until he died. My aunt never had that and holds that against her to this day.”

“My mom is the oldest. She practically raised the rest of her siblings.”

“From what I’ve heard from the aunts, my grandmother wasn’t very involved. She used to get angry at them a lot because they (as children) cost monies that made her and my grandfather ‘poor”.”

“I guess that’s what happens when you have seven mouths to feed. She ADORED all of the grandkids, though.”

“My mom was also the only one who received a college degree (my dad helped her pay for this) and went on to work.”

“My mom regrets not fighting harder for the knitting needles. She said she didn’t fight for equal $$$ because my aunt claimed my cousins needed the money for debts. She knew I didn’t care about the $$$ anyway and assumed it was fine. She was right.”

“Digging more into this with my mom as apparently there’s some issue with how an intestate estate is distributed and the story I’ve been told.”

“There apparently was a mutual agreement between my mom and all of her siblings to distribute more $$$ inheritance to my aunt’s kids due to financial issues. This was filed appropriately.”

“My mom also apologised for getting on my case in the car. She said she hadn’t realised how much the knitting needles meant and assumed I had just asked out of nowhere. It wasn’t out of nowhere. I gave her more context and she apologised for not asking.”

“Cousin believes my aunt has a personality disorder. She and my other cousins tolerate her. Thanksgiving was at cousin’s house because her mom lords it over her when it’s at their parent’s house.”

“Cousin had no idea she got more of an inheritance. She apologised for being so flippant about it, she thought we all got the same.”

“I told her not to worry. I wasn’t concerned about who got what. Just about the needles. We had a bit of a laugh over it because some of you are right. Things like this rip families apart and all I wanted was some damn knitting needles.”

“Cousin also said she had no idea I had asked for the knitting needles. She said my aunt claimed no one wanted them. Which was a lie.”

“Cousin agreed that I should have the knitting needles. We plan on getting lunch this week and talking more about the family drama.”

“Thank you to the folks who offered incredibly thoughtful insight into this. A few of you opened my eyes to the idea there was something more without making up really awful things about my family.”

OP later added:

“Last night, my dad texted me and said my mom and he would talk to me about everything this weekend. There’s things they purposely didn’t tell me.”

“It appears some of you were right. My mom was omitting the truth/lying about something. Wasn’t going to update, but figured this was worthwhile.”

Then over two weeks later, the OP added the final update.

“The update is a little too devastating and personal to share. The short of it is:”

“There was in fact a will. My mom and dad admitted to lying to protect me from the truth.”

“My perception of my grandmother has changed, for the worse. My parents warned me, but I chose to learn the truth over comfort.”

“Another aunt, the one closest in age to my mom, corroborated what I was told separately. I will be confirming with others in time.”

“I told my cousin to keep the knitting needles. I don’t want them anymore.”

“My grandmother was the doormat. She allowed my mom to suffer in childhood, and then due to how ‘complicated’ my mom supposedly made her life—she spites punished her via her will.”

“I got to see everything laid out. It’s awful, and I don’t want to go into details.”

“The aunt mentioned in the original story is still a monster, though. So nothing has changed on that front.”

It’s unfortunate that the OP lost their grandmother a second time.

This time not to death, but to the consequences of their grandmother’s actions.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.