No two people share the same standards of modesty.
Some people don't care what people see them wearing, or in many cases not wearing, proudly walking around their home in their underwear regardless of who's there.
While others make sure they always bring a bathrobe to the bathroom to avoid being caught in a towel.
Things can become particularly problematic when two people share a home but not the same standards of modesty.
Redditor Healthy-Border-4568 thought he was helping his girlfriend out by doing a load of laundry.
When his girlfriend came home, she was anything but appreciative towards the original poster (OP), namely owing to what he left out to dry on their clothesline.
Wondering if he had done anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for hanging my girlfriend's underwear out to dry?"
The OP explained how his efforts to be helpful around the house ended up backfiring on him:
"My girlfriend (21 F[emale]) and I (22 M[ale]) live together and take turns doing household chores."
"This includes washing dishes, vacuuming, and doing laundry."
"The other day, my gf was at work, and I decided to throw a load in the washer."
"I didn't have enough laundry to do a full one, so I added the clothes from her hamper."
"Our drier isn't working so when the cycle was done, I hung the stuff on the clothesline outside."
"It was a nice, windy day, so it was gonna dry quick."
"Later, I heard my gf's car pull in the driveway. I went downstairs to greet her, and as she was coming in, I saw that she had her laundry bundled in her arms."
"She looked upset and slammed the door behind her."
"I asked if something was wrong, and she said she was pissed that I hung her underwear out for everyone to see."
"I didn't really think about it but most of the stuff from the basket were her socks and panties."
"She's a little conservative, so her undies are basically granny panties (think white, cotton Hanes)."
"She chewed me out and said how embarrassed she was that all our neighbors now know what her undies look like."
"I told her that it's not a big deal and that everyone already assumed she wore underwear, but she's been pissed at me for a couple ofdays."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for hanging his girlfriend's underwear outside on the clothesline.
Most agreed that the OP did nothing wrong but could sympathize as to why his girlfriend was upset, feeling she had every right to be insecure when it came to her undergarments:
"NAH."
"I don't know where you live, but here, it's very normal to dry things on the clothesline when the weather is good, and most people have some underwear on there."
"I don't think you were to know she wouldn't like it."
"But I'm not gonna say she's necessarily in the wrong, it seems like it's just something she didn't like the idea of, and she got stressed about it."
"Everyone's different."- confused_overthink3r
"NAH."
"But you don't seem to be trying to understand her feelings here at all."
"You should also consider that there are a lot of creepy people out there."
"Regardless, it's pretty reasonable for a woman not to want her entire neighborhood to see her underwear."
"Why not just apologize?"- clowneryluvx
"You were trying to be helpful by washing her clothes, but it's only helpful if you do the entire process correctly."
"'Correctly' in this case is whatever her preference is because they are her clothes."
"She has every right to not want her clothes hung up outside."
"NAH …because you didn't know better, but don't invalidate her feelings about how her belongings are handled."- GoodWitchesOnly
"NAH."
"Because embarrassment was not intentional."
"If you hang her underwear on the outside line again, you WBTA."
"I highly recommend finding a different way to dry clothes, even if it's just her underwear, while the dryer is down."
"Maybe look into getting some folding laundry racks that can be used indoors since your GF is clearly uncomfortable with her skivvies blowing in the wind."- obnoxiousdrunk77
"NAH, but maybe ask her how she wants her clothing washed/hung up to avoid this in the future?"
"She's embarrassed now, but it should pass."
"Many women hang their 'delicates' up inside to hide them (and in some areas keep them from being stolen) and some hang them up inside of a pillowcase, folded towel, or folded sheet on the outside line."- Honest-Bug2729
Others, however, felt the OP was only being helpful, and his girlfriend shouldn't have been as angry at him as she was, even if some still understood where her anger was coming from:
"A couple of thoughts."
"I laughed out loud when I read your post."
"In a few years she will probably think this is funny, at least I hope so."
"If this is the worst thing you do, then you are a keeper!"
"Do you have any idea how many posts here are from women whose husbands wouldn't know dirty laundry if it bit them on their a**es?"
"Let alone think to take care of that chore."
"Who cares what kind of panties she wears?"
"If one of your neighbors has the temerity to say anything, you can tell them to f*ck right off."
"You are SO, SO, SO NTA."- Lex-tailonis
"YTA if you do it again knowing how much it bothers her."
"You're NTA for this incident."
"One day hopefully your girlfriend will learn that she's not the main character in other people's lives and other people do not think about her nearly as much as she imagines."- bad_bad_daughter
"NTA, but never hang woman's underwear outside."
"I got stolen my underwear by some creeps on many occasions."
"And it was targeted because only my nice pieces were stolen, old and high coverage pieces stayed on clothing line."- It_s_just_me
A few had more trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling he wasn't entirely respectful of her feelings and should have at least checked in with his girlfriend before hanging her underwear outdoors:
"It's nice you did the laundry."
"The dryer has been broken for a while."
"Have you seen her drying her underwear indoors?"
"If you have, you'd know that she, for some reason, wants that."
"Maybe the privacy, maybe sun damage, fragility of the garment, theft; who knows if you didn't ask."
"So, you should have done what she normally does or asked her at some point how to do it or why she does it."
"You say she's conservative."
"Probably reasonable to wonder if she wants people looking at her underwear."
"But, ok, you didn't know, you didn't ask, it happened."
"In the grand scheme of things, it isn't that serious."
"But if you didn't know and didn't ask, you should have at least apologized and not told she's wrong to have feelings."
"YTA for that."
"For the record, I'm 30 and not particularly conservative, but I'm not hanging my underwear outside if my neighbors can see it."
"Drying rack indoors."- Loose-Zebra435
"YTA."
"If she tells u something u did made her uncomfortable u don't get to decide it didn't."
"I'm sorry baby."
"I didn't think of it like that. I was trying to help."
"Next time I'll hang ur undies inside."
"Again I'm sorry."
"Would've gone a long way."- DraftPerfect4228
"YTA for this:"
"'I told her it wasn't a big deal'."
"That's really terrible."
"You might not understand why she's upset about her laundry being out there for anyone to see, but once you realized it, you basically told her that her feelings are stupid and what she thinks doesn't matter."
"That you know best how someone should feel about their underwear."
"I honestly can't believe all these NTAs."
"Yes, it was nice what you did."
"Kudos to you for seeing something needed doing and doing it."
"But can you really not see why she's upset?"
"She had no way of expecting that she'd come home to her private things hanging up for all the world to see."
"Do you know her at all?"
"If she's this private of a person, you really should have known it would bother her."
"At the very least, once you realized it bothered her, you should have apologized."
"Not laughed at her feelings."
"That was really hurtful."
"Most people have something they feel that's different than most people."
"Maybe you don't like pizza, maybe you are afraid of birds, maybe you love a niche band - whatever it is."
"Just because most people don't feel the same doesn't mean you are wrong for feeling how you feel."
"Again - it's not the mistake, it's the dismissal of her feelings afterwards."- SingleAlfredoFemale
Everyone, or at least most people, wears underclothes, so seeing them on a clothesline doesn't seem shocking. However, not everyone feels that way, including, it would appear, the OP's girlfriend.
This is an important lesson for the OP, should he ever feel inclined to do his girlfriend's laundry again. Something this experience hopefully hasn't dissuaded him from ever doing again.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp