You can't control who you're attracted to. But what you do about it is a choice.
A wife and mother questioned what to do about a family friend after he made some choices about the object of his affection: her husband.
Redditor ThrowRAhubbysprob posted:
"I don't know how to feel about my husband's best friend having feelings for him."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband went over to his friend [Steve's] house on Sunday to have a beer. When he came home he seemed off and like he was stressed."
"When I asked him what was wrong, he said his friend [Steve] just told him he's in love with him. I actually thought he was joking around and he insisted he was serious."
"I saw how bothered he was by this and I asked him how it all came out. So he said they were having a beer and watching TV."
"Another friend from our group was there but he ended up leaving early so it was just them. His friend said he had something to tell him and he admitted he's had these secret feelings for him for almost a whole decade."
"Basically since the beginning of their friendship when it was a small crush at first. And that he always had this secret wish that my husband would have feelings for him too and if there is even a slight chance my husband might want to be with him, he was willing to take that chance no matter what the consequences."
"His friend said he wants to see where their relationship can go if my husband is interested. Basically saying if my husband wanted to end our 8 year marriage [a couple for 11 years] and destroy our family's lives to be with him, he'd be absolutely okay with that."
"My husband said he was taken aback by what he said. Yes we have known that his best friend is bisexual."
"He told everyone years ago but neither of us ever thought he had feelings for my husband."
"My husband said he's very confused now because if he's harbored these feelings for so long even after we've gotten married and had our family then they likely won't go away for a while, which will make him feel very weird if they interact after this. Obviously he doesn't have feelings for his friend and he says he feels bad that this could very well change their friendship."
"I hate to say it but I, at the same time, feel a little insulted. Not about him having romantic feelings for my husband because I know sometimes we have no control over who we fall for, but that he put my husband in a tough spot and also that he would've been willing to hurt me if it meant getting to be with my husband."
"This is someone I considered family and has been in our lives and my kids lives for years. He knows something like this would devastate and hurt us deeply."
"I don't know, maybe it's selfish to feel this way, but I can't help it. He would be fine with splitting up our family."
"My husband agrees and he doesn't know why his friend felt this was the time to tell him when we've been married for years and have 2 kids, so obviously he would not have feelings for him."
"Neither of us know how to proceed with this new information, my husband feels a little uncomfortable and confused with all of this, also sad their friendship won't be like before."
Redditors were pretty unanimous in their belief the friendship was damaged beyond repair.
"That was an extremely selfish and disrespectful thing for his friend to do. Yes we can't control who we are attracted to, but when you get a crush on a friend and its not mutual you let those feelings go."
"Holding onto that for a decade is very unhealthy, and then acting on those feelings shows a severe lack of judgment, puts your husband in a terrible situation and is a complete insult to you, his wife."
"What his friend did was absolutely messed up. He was only thinking of himself, not your husband, not you, not your family."
"I would recommend a long break from this person in both your lives. And I would be very concerned about how long he's been stoking the fires of this unrequited love, that is a bit disturbing." ~ Material_Plum
"People are attracted to friends all the time. It's natural."
"But Steve crossed several lines by actively hoping your marriage would fail and your husband would return his feelings."
"Your husband should be uncomfortable because now he has to second guess every past and future interaction with Steve. You were friends with Steve because you liked him as a person, but can you still say that?"
"Steve basically said his friendship wasn't genuine—he had ulterior motives. Was he acting on them, even unconsciously? Did he give your husband bad advice? Did he try to sabotage your marriage?"
"I'd never trust him again and I can't be friends with someone I can't trust." ~ LakotaGrl
"Wow how utterly disrespectful of his friend. I totally understand why you are hurt."
"That is awful that he tried to tear your family apart."
"I think you should react the exact way you'd react if the friend in question was another woman. Which would probably be to yeet her out of your lives immediately." ~ Hazy-Hazel
"It is sad to think about but it would be for the best. The friend needs to move on from his feelings for your husband."
"It's next to impossible to do that if he remains a constant in your life."
"And I can understand exactly why you'd be uncomfortable having him continue in your life. He's just admitted that he wants to break your marriage up and has for a long time."
"That in itself raises the question about whether his involvement in your lives has been about friendship or if he's been hanging about waiting for your husband to suddenly 'see the light' and choose him over you."
"For his sake and the sake of your marriage it's time to let this 'frenemy' go." ~ MadamKitsune
"He said he was willing to take his chance no matter the consequences."
"Seems pretty clear that he knew that this would ruin the friendship if your husband didn't reciprocate ... so that's the consequence." ~ AgentUpright
"Gotta agree here. Being in love with someone secretly can happen, he took a huge gamble revealing that and he lost."
"He killed a friendship for the small chance of his dreams coming true, it didn't happen, now he has to accept the consequences."
"Honestly if I was in his situation, I wouldn't want to be around a person that I love for such a long time and knowing they will never reciprocate anyway." ~ OutlandishnessAdept
"Time to end the friendship." ~ Constant-Commercial9
Less than a day after posting the request for advice, the OP returned with an update:
"I know it's only been a few hours but I wanted to update on what's going on as of right now."
"My husband came home from work earlier and told me that Steve (best friend) had sent him a text in the morning asking If he wanted to grab lunch."
"According to Steve, he was worried he hadn't heard from my husband in days and wanted to know if they could meet up. So my husband decided to respond by telling him everything that he's been feeling."
"He told Steve what he said on Sunday has been bothering him a lot. My husband said while he can't imagine what Steve must've been feeling all those years keeping that bottled up, he didn't think it was right to tell him all this now and feels like he disrespected our marriage by suggesting he leaves me and our family to pursue a relationship with him."
"This was all too much thrown at him and he was confused as to why Steve thought he should tell him when he never gave him any indication that the feelings were mutual."
"My husband told him he thinks it's best if they keep a distance for a while until he decides if the friendship is salvageable at this point."
"No response yet from Steve. We did talk about this some more and my husband admitted he doesn't think he'll be comfortable continuing this friendship with him."
"He will always feel like he has to be careful around Steve and his feelings, and like some of you said, it will keep Steve from being able to properly move on if he's still in our lives."
"Nothing is set in stone yet. This is all still fresh and I haven't even decided if I want to talk to Steve at all about this or keep my distance from him."
"Everything else my husband told him is exactly how I was feeling so I don't know what else I can say."
"My husband seems to have made up his mind about not continuing this friendship even if he admits he feels guilty. We're still giving it some time."
"That's where we're at right now. Thank you everyone who's commented so far."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.