You can't control who you're attracted to. But what you do about it is a choice.
A wife and mother questioned what to do about a family friend after he made some choices about the object of his affection: her husband.
Redditor ThrowRAhubbysprob posted:
"I don't know how to feel about my husband's best friend having feelings for him."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband went over to his friend [Steve's] house on Sunday to have a beer. When he came home he seemed off and like he was stressed."
"When I asked him what was wrong, he said his friend [Steve] just told him he's in love with him. I actually thought he was joking around and he insisted he was serious."
"I saw how bothered he was by this and I asked him how it all came out. So he said they were having a beer and watching TV."
"Another friend from our group was there but he ended up leaving early so it was just them. His friend said he had something to tell him and he admitted he's had these secret feelings for him for almost a whole decade."
"Basically since the beginning of their friendship when it was a small crush at first. And that he always had this secret wish that my husband would have feelings for him too and if there is even a slight chance my husband might want to be with him, he was willing to take that chance no matter what the consequences."
"His friend said he wants to see where their relationship can go if my husband is interested. Basically saying if my husband wanted to end our 8 year marriage [a couple for 11 years] and destroy our family's lives to be with him, he'd be absolutely okay with that."
"My husband said he was taken aback by what he said. Yes we have known that his best friend is bisexual."
"He told everyone years ago but neither of us ever thought he had feelings for my husband."
"My husband said he's very confused now because if he's harbored these feelings for so long even after we've gotten married and had our family then they likely won't go away for a while, which will make him feel very weird if they interact after this. Obviously he doesn't have feelings for his friend and he says he feels bad that this could very well change their friendship."
"I hate to say it but I, at the same time, feel a little insulted. Not about him having romantic feelings for my husband because I know sometimes we have no control over who we fall for, but that he put my husband in a tough spot and also that he would've been willing to hurt me if it meant getting to be with my husband."
"This is someone I considered family and has been in our lives and my kids lives for years. He knows something like this would devastate and hurt us deeply."
"I don't know, maybe it's selfish to feel this way, but I can't help it. He would be fine with splitting up our family."
"My husband agrees and he doesn't know why his friend felt this was the time to tell him when we've been married for years and have 2 kids, so obviously he would not have feelings for him."
"Neither of us know how to proceed with this new information, my husband feels a little uncomfortable and confused with all of this, also sad their friendship won't be like before."
Redditors were pretty unanimous in their belief the friendship was damaged beyond repair.
"That was an extremely selfish and disrespectful thing for his friend to do. Yes we can't control who we are attracted to, but when you get a crush on a friend and its not mutual you let those feelings go."
"Holding onto that for a decade is very unhealthy, and then acting on those feelings shows a severe lack of judgment, puts your husband in a terrible situation and is a complete insult to you, his wife."
"What his friend did was absolutely messed up. He was only thinking of himself, not your husband, not you, not your family."
"I would recommend a long break from this person in both your lives. And I would be very concerned about how long he's been stoking the fires of this unrequited love, that is a bit disturbing." ~ Material_Plum
"People are attracted to friends all the time. It's natural."
"But Steve crossed several lines by actively hoping your marriage would fail and your husband would return his feelings."
"Your husband should be uncomfortable because now he has to second guess every past and future interaction with Steve. You were friends with Steve because you liked him as a person, but can you still say that?"
"Steve basically said his friendship wasn't genuine—he had ulterior motives. Was he acting on them, even unconsciously? Did he give your husband bad advice? Did he try to sabotage your marriage?"
"I'd never trust him again and I can't be friends with someone I can't trust." ~ LakotaGrl
"Wow how utterly disrespectful of his friend. I totally understand why you are hurt."
"That is awful that he tried to tear your family apart."
"I think you should react the exact way you'd react if the friend in question was another woman. Which would probably be to yeet her out of your lives immediately." ~ Hazy-Hazel
"It is sad to think about but it would be for the best. The friend needs to move on from his feelings for your husband."
"It's next to impossible to do that if he remains a constant in your life."
"And I can understand exactly why you'd be uncomfortable having him continue in your life. He's just admitted that he wants to break your marriage up and has for a long time."
"That in itself raises the question about whether his involvement in your lives has been about friendship or if he's been hanging about waiting for your husband to suddenly 'see the light' and choose him over you."
"For his sake and the sake of your marriage it's time to let this 'frenemy' go." ~ MadamKitsune
"He said he was willing to take his chance no matter the consequences."
"Seems pretty clear that he knew that this would ruin the friendship if your husband didn't reciprocate ... so that's the consequence." ~ AgentUpright
"Gotta agree here. Being in love with someone secretly can happen, he took a huge gamble revealing that and he lost."
"He killed a friendship for the small chance of his dreams coming true, it didn't happen, now he has to accept the consequences."
"Honestly if I was in his situation, I wouldn't want to be around a person that I love for such a long time and knowing they will never reciprocate anyway." ~ OutlandishnessAdept
"Time to end the friendship." ~ Constant-Commercial9
Less than a day after posting the request for advice, the OP returned with an update:
"I know it's only been a few hours but I wanted to update on what's going on as of right now."
"My husband came home from work earlier and told me that Steve (best friend) had sent him a text in the morning asking If he wanted to grab lunch."
"According to Steve, he was worried he hadn't heard from my husband in days and wanted to know if they could meet up. So my husband decided to respond by telling him everything that he's been feeling."
"He told Steve what he said on Sunday has been bothering him a lot. My husband said while he can't imagine what Steve must've been feeling all those years keeping that bottled up, he didn't think it was right to tell him all this now and feels like he disrespected our marriage by suggesting he leaves me and our family to pursue a relationship with him."
"This was all too much thrown at him and he was confused as to why Steve thought he should tell him when he never gave him any indication that the feelings were mutual."
"My husband told him he thinks it's best if they keep a distance for a while until he decides if the friendship is salvageable at this point."
"No response yet from Steve. We did talk about this some more and my husband admitted he doesn't think he'll be comfortable continuing this friendship with him."
"He will always feel like he has to be careful around Steve and his feelings, and like some of you said, it will keep Steve from being able to properly move on if he's still in our lives."
"Nothing is set in stone yet. This is all still fresh and I haven't even decided if I want to talk to Steve at all about this or keep my distance from him."
"Everything else my husband told him is exactly how I was feeling so I don't know what else I can say."
"My husband seems to have made up his mind about not continuing this friendship even if he admits he feels guilty. We're still giving it some time."
"That's where we're at right now. Thank you everyone who's commented so far."
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.