It's always nice when our loved ones make a kind gesture towards us.
Sometimes, however, their gestures don't exactly make us happy.
While there is clearly meaning and effort put in, they sometimes don't take into account our personal likes and preferences.
The husband of Redditor pinacoladanoumbrella had taken to performing a nice gesture with some regularity.
A gesture the original poster (OP) wanted to appreciate, but ultimately left her feeling less than grateful.
So underwhelmed was the OP with her husband that she was seriously contemplating telling him to let it go altogether.
Fearing she may be out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**Hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow redditors:
"WIBTA if I tell my husband to stop cooking me breakfast?"
The OP explained why she was a bit less than appreciative when her husband cooked her breakfast:
"I am a stay at home mom to a 1 year old child."
"I often end up having protein coffee and a protein bar for breakfast because I need something fast before my Velcro baby becomes little miss clingy."
"Occasionally when my husband has a remote day he will make us breakfast."
"But multiple times when he's make me eggs the eggs aren't fully cooked."
"I don't have an issue with a sunny side up egg with a running yolk but I'm talking omelet or scrambled eggs not fully cooked."
"I can't stomach it."
"I told him last time he made breakfast because I don't like wasting food but I can't manage to eat it."
"He did it again this morning and I'm staring down at a runny omelet."
"Would I be the a**hole to tell my husband that though I appreciate him trying to make sure I get food in my stomach, if he doesn't cook my eggs properly I'd just rather he not at all?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring;
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for wanting to ask her husband to stop cooking her breakfast.
Some didn't understand why the OP wasn't more direct and honest with her husband, who they felt was clearly trying to help and make her happy:
"YTA."
"You have not told him multiple times how you like your eggs, you've lied to him multiple times how you like your eggs and then expected him to immediately remember when you switched it up."
"You're making more work for yourself and him by trying to be 'chill' than just being honest."-Maleficent-Shop6024
While others felt the OP was more than valid, feeling undercooked eggs were not a matter of taste, but also a health and safety hazard:
"I'd suggest popping your plate in the microwave for 30 seconds or however long it takes to achieve the desired level of cook for you."
"And of course you're NTA."
"Everyone has a right to have their food made according to their preferences."- grannymath
"NTA."
"But don't 'tell' him to make them 'properly'."
"'Ask' him to make them 'the way you like them' and remind him what that is."
"Idk how y'all got this far into a relationship without being able to discuss food preferences though."-Usual-Role-9084
"NTA, but I would, and have, let my husband know how I like them."
"I like eggs the opposite, I like my scrambled eggs soft and custardy."
"My husband who never met a food he couldn't overcook, now makes my eggs exactly as I like them because I told him how I like them a few times."
"Same with burgers."
"He enjoys his gray meat, he cooks mine medium rare."
"You said your husband used to be a chef, he has to be used to people liking their eggs a certain way."- IHaveBoxerDogs
"Eggs are one of those things that should be cooked to preference, and it isn't difficult to cook scrambled eggs for an additional 30 seconds."
"This applies to you as well."
"It's totally silly, but you can just toss them back in the pan."
"NTA."- potato_soup76
"Tell him again as you put the eggs back in the frying pan and finish cooking them."
"It should only take a minute or 2."
"NTA."
"I don't like runny eggs either."- lizbaby42
"NTA."
"But you should tell him he's undercooking the eggs because he'll soon be cooking for baby!"-
thewhaler
"Can't you tell him when it's underdone in the moment so he can go fix it?"
"Hey honey eggs are still too undercooked for me, can you cook it a bit longer?"
"What's runny to you might be how he likes it and thinks they're done to."
"It would also help if he puts your plates in the oven to warm them, so if he puts them runny on the plate, the carryover heat finishes them."
"Personally I'm a soft scramble person, but I'm good on just heating up plates so you evade the rubbery texture of cooking too long on the skillet."
"You would NTA if you say stop cooking it if he's just unwilling to change how he cooks your eggs."
"Personally I like mine overmedium and my partner prefers his scrambled so I just do two batches."
"I'll do the same when I want some onions and peppers in a scramble, as he's plain jane nothing in his."
"Heck he could just blender some cottage cheese in with your eggs and just quick scramble yours to help you hit protein goals."
"If he can omelet he should be better at this."
"Hopefully this isn't him deciding how you SHOULD enjoy eggs and trying to force preference on you."- Ikfactor
"NTA!"
"I leaned how to cook for my husband...he likes his eggs over cooked and rubbery."
"I think it's gross...but I'm not the one eating it."
"NTA."- vulnerable_turtle
"NTA."
"But I think that the phrasing you used in your post is unnecessarily harsh."
"As others have said remind him again that you like your eggs cooked longer."
'You can state that even while chasing around a 1 year old."
"'Thanks for making breakfast, remember I like my eggs more well done'."
"Sometimes people forget stuff."
"If he's like "oh right sorry" then you're all good."
"If he's like 'it's not proper to eat overcooked sulphur eggs' just press a bit further explaining the more liquid ones gross you out."- PSAlearn2swim
"OMG, just ask nicely to have him cook the eggs more 'because you like your eggs more solid'"!
"It doesn't have to be a confrontation, just a simple request for the style of eggs he's making for you."
"NTA unless you ask in a confrontational or nasty tone; otherwise, yes, YTA."
"My wife asked that I cook her omelets a bit less than I was making, and I did."
"I like my omelets a tiny bit crispy, she doesn't."
"It wasn't a fight, it was a simple request and definition of her preference that I didn't know."- millebi
Then there were those who had trouble understanding why the OP wasn't more honest with her husband, and how the OP's husband failed to notice how dangerously undercooked the eggs he was serving the OP were:
"ESH."
"I cannot believe you two are married with a child and can't even communicate about eggs."
"Eggs!"
"Tell him you like your eggs cooked well when in an omelet."
"Maybe he cooks them that way because HE likes them runny."
"It doesn't sound like you have communicated your preference."
"If you can't get through this, you'll never survive as the baby grows."- Any-Interaction-5934
While a few didn't think that either the OP or her husband was at fault, and there was an easy solution to this problem:
"NAH but."
"The age old 'it's not what you said, it's how you said it' will be really important."
"He's doing an act of service to show his love for you!"
"Please acknowledge this!"
"Two suggestions: first, use the hamburger method to convey your feedback."
"Start with a compliment, slip in the feedback and end with another positive note."
"Example: Positive: Thank you so much for breakfast, you're so thoughtful to think of me and make my life easier."
"Feedback: can I make a request?"
"Could you cook my eggs a little longer? I am sensitive to textures."
"OR, I don't really like eggs for breakfast, but I really like my protein coffee and bar."
"The sweetness wakes me up if you'd be willing to get it ready for me."
"Positive: I appreciate having someone so caring as a husband willing to take care of me."
"Second suggestion: do this before he makes you breakfast the next time."
'Either in the evening, or just before he starts making breakfast."- holysmokesiminflames
It's not unreasonable for the OP to be put off by an undercooked egg.
It doesn't seem that her husband is serving her out of malice.
Indeed, if she did simply tell him, as clearly and kindly as possible, how she likes her eggs cooked, one imagines he'd be more than happy to make that adjustment.
If she would rather just have her coffee and a protein bar, one imagines her husband also wouldn't mind not cooking her eggs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp