Talking out loud about salaries can be awkward.
Some people are open and honest.
Other people like to keep it private.
This can be difficult to balance in a relationship.
When one partner discusses it freely and the other doesn’t, drama can ensue.
However, sometimes that drama maybe required.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my wife’s friends I make more money than her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I, 25 M[ale], am married to my wife, Sasha, 28 F[emale].”
“She comes from a pretty wealthy background while I decidedly do not.”
“My dad left before I was born and my mum died when I was 11.”
“I’ve mostly ‘gotten over it’, as much as one can, ‘get over’ something like that.”
“However I’m still sensitive to any so-called ‘jokes’ on that.”
“I graduated summa cum laude and went straight into investment banking.”
“I met my wife when I was 23, and fresh into it, but after 3 years I earn pretty well.”
“My wife is a lawyer.”
“Now I love my wife and she loves me (obviously) but her family hates me.”
“Like from the depths of their souls, hates me.”
“I’ve been called a gold-digger, a low-life, and a few more vague insults on my table manners.”
“I went to a ‘party’ with her the other day, one of those fancy schmancy things where everyone drinks cHaMpAgNe and complains about this that, and the other, talking about oh we spent sOoOOo much money on renovations, ‘gasp.'”
“And I got the usual mild comments from my wife’s family and close friends on where my wife ‘picked’ me up from.”
“Lacy, I don’t think, knew about my family history before.”
“We were talking about dads, don’t ask me why and I got a question on what my dad did, I said I didn’t know, never met the guy.”
“Lacy made this kind of exaggerated gasp and went ‘Oohh, well we all know why you’re with her [my wife] then don’t we?'”
“I acted all confused and she got flustered, and just kept going with ‘well… you know.'”
“My wife tried to move the conversation along but by this point, I wasn’t letting it go, I kept pushing, and pushing until Lacy finally said, ‘Well you two don’t exactly have the same… finances do you’ and then responded with, you’re right. I make quite some more.'”
“Lacy by this point was too embarrassed to keep going.”
“I’d kind of ruined the vibe, but the night continued.”
“This isn’t the kind of event you walk away from.”
“We went home, which was when s**t genuinely went down.”
“She told me it was crazy of me to keep pushing on that point and turn one comment into one of the most embarrassing moments of her life.”
“And now everyone in her circle must think she’s some kind of failure to earn so much less than her husband, and I’d ruined everything.”
“But it’s not like I lied.”
“I’m just tired of being treated like s**t in her circle.”
“My wife is upset though, and I do care about her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So I need to know, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Now everyone in her circle must think she’s some kind of failure to earn so much less than her husband.”
“But she was perfectly fine letting everyone in her life think you were a failure that lives off her.”
“She is also apparently perfectly fine letting them mock or insult you, the man she allegedly loves.”
“Why is her image more important than your dignity and the respect for your marriage?”
“A person can earn less than their wealthy partner and still be with them out of love, and she is allowing for that to be questioned.”
“NTA, both her and her circle sound vain, materialistic, and classist, and I’m afraid those traits are going to be hard to change.” ~ SneakyRaid
“‘A person can earn less than their wealthy partner and still be with them out of love’ – even worse was that she was happy being the person who earned less than their partner until it was mentioned in a public forum.”
“She was happy being the presumed wealthy person while he, who actually earns more and loves her, stayed quiet about it.”
“I feel like this is a taste of her own medicine.”
“She lets her friends and family railroad him but isn’t keen when the tables could potentially be turned.”
“It’s really so ridiculous.”
“She really needs to take a long look at her priorities in life.”
“NTA NTA NTA.” ~ chocolatedoclet
“She seems very shallow and content with her husband being mocked by her friends.”
“I wonder what she has told them behind OP’s back to lead them to think he is a gold-digging hanger-on.”
“Perhaps that’s why she is angry; her friends now know she is a liar.”
“OP, you are NTA but your wife and her friends… TAHs.” ~ curious-by-moon
“I get what you’re saying but the truth.”
“The real truth behind this is that if her family has money she stands to inherit that.”
“She almost definitely currently feeds off that as well as her salary.”
“This is why she’s embarrassed.”
“She understands that her salary isn’t her only money.”
“All her rich friends and family understand this too.”
“That’s why they are better than us.”
“The husband just made a huge faux pas in front of her social circle by making it about salary and not ‘wealth.'”
“I suspect that if he’s an investment banker her family knows this but it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t have ‘wealth’ he has a high ‘income.'”
“This woman’s family and friends still believe him to be a gold-digger because he will probably never attain the level of wealth that family is in.”
“They do believe him to be lesser.”
“These people are awful and OP should just get out.” ~ TheLostDestroyer
“You’ve summed up my thoughts as well. NTA.”
“Your wife should support you.”
“You’re part of a whole, any insult to you is an insult to her as well.”
“Shame on her for not seeing that.” ~ ClassicSalty-
“She could have been proud and said what a major catch her husband is – good-looking, smart, driven, self-made, successful – but instead she chose to silently let her circle make those vicious comments for ages.”
“And now she says she’s embarrassed and seen as a failure?!”
“This only shows she also doesn’t think highly of OP. So sad.” ~ kittywarhead
“This. The wife sounds terrible. NTA.” ~ OBoile
“NTA and agreed, the wife should have stepped in WAY before it got to this point.”
“She should have stopped all of her family and friends in their tracks the very first time they mocked (openly or snidely) her husband or made comments about his wealth, gold-digging, or background.”
“Why the hell didn’t she stand up for him?”
“She has absolutely no right to be upset about this when he finally snaps back (in a fairly mild way, to be honest).” ~ Own-Kangaroo6931
“NTA. First of all, your wife failed to stop this s**t and just expected you to take it?”
“She didn’t speak up and say ‘hey that’s out of line’… where you two could have just walked away.”
“She wanted you to overlook being looked down upon because she felt looked down upon.”
“She called that ‘the most embarrassing moments of her life’ because she feels like a failure since you make more, which is wild considering what she expected you to endure.” ~ Spare-Article-396
“Honestly you’re not (NTA) but your wife is.”
“If this is her ‘circle’ she should have stopped that Lacy immediately.”
“People think that you’re a gold digger because your wife lets them think about it.”
“She’s more worried about what people would think about her earnings than people talking bad about you.” ~ PurplePinkBlue76
“I grew up in a wealthy area, and the wealthiest guy of all used to drive a beater station wagon and wore flannel shirts everywhere.”
“At my parent’s parties, men would come up to him and brag about how wealthy they were and then patronizingly ask what he did.”
“He’d say, ‘I work in a factory.'”
“That was technically true, except he worked in a lot of factories.”
“That he owned (he was pretty hands-on).”
“Other people who knew were laughing at the braggart, who never got the joke.”
“I have told that story a couple of times at apt moments.”
“Or sometimes I say, ‘I was taught it’s rude to brag or ask about money.'”
“It usually doesn’t work.”
“Those people have their facts wrong, and you corrected the facts.”
“They are AH, who are embarrassed that they stepped on a rake.”
“You are NTA.”
“Why has your wife been putting up with this?”
“She should have long ago told her family the situation, and shut their s**t down fast.”
“Is she as insecure as her brother?” ~ hubertburnette
“I find it so weird that people would just brag about their wealth like that.”
“I grew up with some pretty wealthy people whose habits and living spaces speak for themselves.”
“I can’t imagine people actually telling others about everything they have in a braggy way.”
“It’s so… vulgar.” ~ Client_020
“Exactly. I have a friend who is legit part of the 1%.”
“I knew they were well off but I had no idea until I went to visit after college and stayed with her at her parent’s house which was a legit mansion in a harbor in one of the most expensive parts of the US.”
“And that’s just one of their properties.”
“She never brags about her wealth but she’ll say things that are natural to her and foreign to me.”
“Example: I was talking about having drainage issues in my yard and how hard it’s been to grow grass.”
“Her response: oh just have your landscape architect draw something up to fix it!”
“Girl I don’t have a landscaper or architect let alone one that specializes in both. NTA.” ~ MPBoomBoom22
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. You told the truth.
It’s sad that your wife is more angry about this than the disrespect people show you.
There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.
Good luck.